Wilson's Wildlife's Annual Animal Olympics: Skateboarding Event
A Wilson's Wildlife Tale | Submitted for SPORTSCON in the "Dog Skateboarding" Category
Author's Note: This tale is also being recorded as a special bonus episode of our audio podcast, Secret World Society / Welcome To The Foundation. The recorded version will be available here!
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1: Like Father Like Daughter
Wilson’s Wildlife Solutions was not usually an organized place, and at this moment, it was somehow even worse. An office full of hand-painted banners, a pile of folding tables in the corner, three staff members with bags under their eyes, and at least two animals that should have been put back into their quarters an hour ago… it was a mess.
Every year, Wilson’s Wildlife Solutions hosts its Annual Animal Olympics: A day for enrichment, for fun, and for making friends with the animals.
This was not that day.
It was Monday.
The animal Olympics were in just under a week.
This was preparation week. And the weekend could not come soon enough.
At the heart of it all sat Tim Wilson, having just signed the hundredth waiver of the day. He had a clipboard in one hand, a smile on his face, and absolutely no awareness that he was standing within the blast radius of 15 years of unresolved family trauma.
Faeowynn Wilson had just entered through the front gate, and despite the fact that the Olympics were still a week away, the first game was about to begin.
Tim Wilson: Fae! You made it! Oh thank goodness. Great! That’s one thing going right today! You’re going to be so helpful, I promise, you’re really going to save us—
Faeowynn: …I have been here for six seconds.
Tim Wilson: Right. Sorry! No pressure. Welcome, finally, to Wilson’s Wildlife’s Annual Animal Olympics Preparation Week!
Faeowynn: Right… that’s a lot of words… you said you needed my help?
Tim Wilson: You’re absolutely right I do! We’re… uh… We’re slightly behind schedule.
Now THAT was an understatement. It was also a lie! At this very moment, at least two staff members were fitting the 1348 snakes with tiny helmets, another was building the stage that should have been done two months ago, and a final one was still finishing the lists of what events will occur for the big day—The big day that was this weekend.
Tim Wilson: Manageably behind schedule!
Faeowynn: Of course.
Tim Wilson: Uhhh… I know this probably isn’t what you expected for your first week here, but-
Faeowynn: Dad. You said you needed help with operations. How are these operations?
Tim Wilson: What do you mean? This IS our operations!
Faeowynn: Dad.
Tim Wilson: It’s- It’s our Annual Animal Olympics, this is part of operations. It’s a yearly enrichment event, and a huge part of the rehab for our critters! They learn to work together, to- to build a team, and to train towards a goal. It’s vitally important-
Faeowynn: Dad.
Tim Wilson: Got it, got it, I’ll get to the point…
Tim Wilson: We need someone on Animal Skateboarding.
Faeowynn: No.
Tim Wilson: You haven’t even heard the assignment yet!
Faeowynn: I heard “animal” and “skateboarding”.
Tim Wilson: But it’s one of our most important enrichment categories!
Faeowynn: For animals that famously crave skateboarding.
Tim Wilson: For animals that need to work on their balance, confidence building, handling crowds and-
Faeowynn: And skateboarding.
Tim Wilson: Exactly!
Faeowynn: I went to school for accounting.
Tim Wilson: And?
Faeowynn: And this isn’t exactly in my skillset.
Tim Wilson: No, I know. I know it’s not exactly what we talked about, but… Look, I need your help. I picked this one carefully.
Faeowynn: You picked this one?
Tim Wilson: Personally! For you!
Faeowynn: …
Tim Wilson: One of our animals… He needs someone who notices details. Can keep track of small changes, stay calm under pressure, and not get swept up in all the, uh-
From the chaos? The destruction? The explosion that just happened outside? The person shouting that the helmets are not eggs to the snakes?
Tim Wilson: … in the atmosphere.
Faeowynn: The atmosphere?
Tim Wilson: Yeah.
Faeowynn: Dad, I-
Tim Wilson: Faeowynn. My caterpillar. Please.
Faeowynn: [long sigh] Okay. Fine. What animal am I helping?
Tim Wilson: …It’s the goose.
Faeowynn: …what?
2: Faeowynn Meets ZARGOTH
If somebody in this hallway had brought a pin, you could have heard it drop. Or, well… not really, but it definitely felt that way with how Faeowynn was pointedly ignoring her father.
What you could actually hear were Tim’s and Faeowynn’s footsteps. Beyond the general chaos of being at Wilson’s, of course. But those footsteps echoed.
Wilson’s Wildlife Solutions wasn’t only a bit of a mess, it was a huge bit of a mess. The center sprawled for what felt like miles: winding hallways, pens for animals the size of buildings, a pen for an animal that WAS a building… And yet the offices were no more than a shared single room that doubled as storage and break area.
This hall was where the animals were preparing for their sports. On their left, in an enclosure with walls over 10 inches thick and a plaque that read “Dr. Spankoflex - Ear Protection Required” you could hear the faint echo of a “CACK”, and a staff member's muffled scream that followed.
On their right was a human-sized blue cube playing chess against a computer. It had no hands, no eyes, and no visible way to even move the pieces.
It was winning.
They even had to step over a cat lying on the floor that Faeowynn could have sworn was talking in its sleep. Tim didn’t even try to explain this, and Faeowynn didn’t ask.
It was then that they finally arrived in front of a large, wooden door.
Tim Wilson: And here we are! Welcome to the pen of-
Faeowynn: Zargoth… the destroyer? “DO NOT KNOCK”, “DO NOT BOW”, “DO NOT TRUST HIM”, “KEEP YOUR HANDS AND EYES COVERED.” Dad, what is this-
Tim Wilson: That last one is mostly for the volunteers. You might need these…
Faeowynn: Goggles?
Tim Wilson: And gloves!
Faeowynn: [sighs] Let’s get this over with.
Tim Wilson: Great! Remember: Calm voice and no sudden movements, got it? Let’s go-
ZARGOTH:FOOLISH MORTAL, HOW DARE YOU BREACH THE SANCTUM OF ZARGOTH, DESTROYER OF DIMENSIONS, HE WHO MAKES MORTAL BLOOD TREMBLE WITH-
SLAM
.
.
.
Faeowynn: …WHAT was that!?
Tim Wilson: That’s ZARGOTH!
Faeowynn: That’s not an answer! That… thing is hatred with a beak!
Tim Wilson: I mean, it is a goose…
Faeowynn: DAD
Tim Wilson: Right. Sorry. Okay. So, ZARGOTH is a snow goose.
Faeowynn: No. No no no that is not just a snow goose.
Tim Wilson: He is! He’s a snow goose with … personality. And sometimes the information around him gets a little… loud. But I promise you, he’s harmless!
Faeowynn: Harmless? What about the “always wear gloves” notice? What about him THREATENING us!?
Tim Wilson: That’s actually progress!
Faeowynn: PROGRESS?
Tim Wilson: Yeah! Usually he tries to bite when we first enter!
If words could describe the look that Faeowynn gave Tim, this script would win a Pulitzer.
Tim Wilson: Caterpillar, I know this looks bad-
Faeowynn: Looks bad!? What exactly is the plan? How do you expect me to teach this goose to skateboard!?
Tim Wilson: I mean… right now? I don’t.
Faeowynn: Huh!?
Tim Wilson: Not today at least.
Faeowynn: Then why exactly am I here?
Tim Wilson: I don’t need you to teach him tricks or anything. I need you to help him stand on the board.
Faeowynn: …That’s it?
Tim Wilson: That’s it. He wants to do it. I know it doesn’t look like it, but he does. We’ve seen him watching the other animals train from his pen. He even tries when he thinks no one is looking… and then he panics and starts yelling at the board as if it was attacking him.
Faeowynn: So, he’s scared?
Tim Wilson: Yeah… he’s scared.
Faeowynn: …dad, I don’t know if I’m the right person-
Tim Wilson: Five minutes. Please, just give it five minutes. If after five minutes, you still think this is impossible, I’ll reassign you.
Faeowynn: Reassign me to what?
Tim Wilson: Please don’t ask that until after the five minutes.
Faeowynn: Okay, five minutes. Hand me the goggles… If he bites me, I’m billing you, personally.
Tim Wilson: That’s fair.
There are moments in life when a person can choose peace.
This was not one of those moments.
Faeowynn Wilson put on the goggles and opened the door.
Faeowynn: Zargoth? You there, buddy?
ZARGOTH: LEAVE THIS PLACE, CATERPILLAR FOLLOWER OF THE DICTATOR.
Faeowynn: Nope, not happening.
ZARGOTH: THEN YOU SHALL BE DESTROYED.
Faeowynn: Also no.
ZARGOTH: AGH, BEARER OF THE WHEELED BEAST, HOW DARE YOU-
Faeowynn: Look, I’m here for 5 minutes. We’re going to talk for 5 minutes, and if you hate it, I’ll go.
ZARGOTH: ZARGOTH THE DESTROYER OF DIMENSIONS HATES IT ALREADY.
Faeowynn: Great. Then you’re ahead of schedule.
ZARGOTH, Destroyer of Dimensions, was crouched under a wooden bench. His wings were flared, his neck pulled back, and a tiny flame helmet covered one eye. Beside him sat a red, child-sized skateboard, flipped upside down.
Faeowynn: …Did you flip that over?
ZARGOTH: THE WHEELED BEAST HAS EXPOSED ITS SOFT UNDERBELLY.
Faeowynn: So… yes.
ZARGOTH: IT KNOWS FEAR. IT KNOWS WHAT IT DID.
Faeowynn may not have wanted to be here, but she was also not stupid. Her dad was watching with great excitement, and a moment later he was watching the door as Faeowynn shut it on him.
Faeowynn: Okay… We are not standing on it today.
ZARGOTH: SO YOU ADMIT IT, YOU ARE A COWARD.
Faeowynn: Absolutely. So, today, our goal is for you to turn it over.
ZARGOTH: YOU ASK ME TO AWAKEN IT AGAIN?
Faeowynn: Okay… Let’s not start there. Right now, I just want you to touch it.
ZARGOTH: [HISS]
Faeowynn: Hiss at me all you want, but this will end faster if you just touch it.
The air hung as if for hours. In reality, it was about 30 seconds. But those were 30 very long seconds.
Slowly, ZARGOTH reached out, and struck at a wheel. The wheel squeaked back at him.
ZARGOTH: THE BEAST HAS LET OUT ITS WAR CRY! IT SEEKS TO CLAIM OUR LIVES!
Faeowynn: Okay. So, that was the noise a wheel makes.
ZARGOTH: A WAR CRY FROM THE WHEEL.
Faeowynn: …then where is the war? Has it attacked you?
ZARGOTH: …
Faeowynn: Thought so. Let’s try that again. Unless you’re //scared //of it?
Silence.
Faeowynn had been in this room for exactly four minutes.
Then, in a moment of panic and bravery, ZARGOTH struck the board again. It flipped.
ZARGOTH: WRETCHED BEAST AND EVEN MORE WRETCHED HANDLER OF THE DICTATOR, I SHALL NOT BE BESTED BY MERE MORTALS.
If words could describe the look that Faeowynn gave ZARGOTH…
Faeowynn: There we go, you did it. Nothing attacked you.
ZARGOTH: YET.
Faeowynn: Nothing exploded.
ZARGOTH: YET!
Faeowynn: Good. Then we’re done for today.
ZARGOTH: …WHAT?
Faeowynn: Five minutes. You flipped it, and I haven't been bitten. That’s enough of a win for today.
ZARGOTH: THIS IS A PATHETIC VICTORY.
Faeowynn: Most are. Now, if you’ll excuse me…
With a triumphant motion, Faeowynn left the room. Not even a door to the face could hide Tim’s pride.
3: The Training Montage
By the end of the next day, ZARGOTH had stopped attacking the board, and transitioned to staring at it aggressively.
This was progress!
It was also, according to ZARGOTH, not progress.
ZARGOTH: ZARGOTH DOES NOT “PROGRESS”, ZARGOTH STUDIES HIS ENEMIES FOR WEAKNESSES.
Faeowynn: You stared at it for nine minutes.
ZARGOTH: AND IT REVEALED MUCH.
Faeowynn: …like that it has wheels?
ZARGOTH: FOUR OF THEM!
Faeowynn: Good counting.
ZARGOTH: DO NOT PRAISE ME, CATERPILLAR HANDLER.
By Wednesday, Faeowynn stopped using the word skateboard.
Once again, this was progress!
“Skateboard” made ZARGOTH angry.
“Board” in general made him hiss.
“Standing practice” was-
ZARGOTH: STANDING PRACTICE IS AN OFFENSIVE AFFRONT TO ALL OF GOOSE KIND AND-
Yeah. That.
But! “Putting a foot on the red thing and immediately getting peas”? That worked.
ZARGOTH: YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO BRIBE THE GREAT ZARGOTH! THIS IS TRIBUTE!
Faeowynn: Correct.
ZARGOTH: TRIBUTE THAT SO HAPPENS TO INVOLVE VICTORIOUSLY AND POWERFULLY PLACING ONE OF MY LIMBS ONTO THE RED BEAST.
Faeowynn: Whatever you say.
ZARGOTH: TRIBUTE THAT IS NOT RED, AND FROM A DEFEATED RIVAL.
Faeowynn: The defeated rival is frozen peas.
ZARGOTH: A WEALTHY RIVAL WHO IS FULL OF THE SOULS OF THE INNOCENT IN SPHERICAL FORM!
The following afternoon, ZARGOTH got on the red thing.
Of course, it was not because Faeowynn ordered him too, and totally not because Tim had been encouraging this from outside the door every day. And it was ABSOLUTELY not because he heard Dr. Spankoflex shout “WHEELFEET NON-EQUINE TRANSPORTATION OF CACK GLORY” in the hallway.
Whatever that meant, it DID get under ZARGOTH’s feathers. But it was definitely NOT why he got on the red thing.
He simply… got on the red thing because Faeowynn put it on the floor, set the tributary souls of the innocent on it, and said the most powerful phrase in childcare in animalcare:
Faeowynn: Don’t.
ZARGOTH: ZARGOTH DOES NOT OBEY THE WORDS OF THE CATERPILLAR GIRL!
Faeowynn: Okay, then don’t.
So he didn’t. And simply, one webbed foot touched the board.
The world didn’t end.
By Friday, ZARGOTH stayed on the skateboard for five whole seconds. Provided that there were no loud noises, cheering, spectators, eye contact, sudden movement, looks from Tim, or mentions of the word “skateboard.”
One of these was… more difficult than the others.
Faeowynn: Dad.
Tim Wilson: I’m not looking!
Faeowynn: You know how he feels when you watch! Leave him alone!
Tim Wilson: I’m just- I’m just so proud.
Faeowynn: Are you… crying?
Tim Wilson: No…
ZARGOTH: THE DICTATOR WEEPS BEFORE MY MIGHT! HIS TEARS WILL FILL MY GOBBLET WITH A VICTORIOUS BROTH.
Tim Wilson: Okay… maybe a little.
If words could describe…
But ZARGOTH was still standing on the board. That was progress.
Finally, at the end of the week, ZARGOTH was able to push the skateboard.
Sure, it was about six inches. But he pushed it.
ZARGOTH: BEHOLD, THE WHEELED RED THING BENDS TO MY WILL! IT HAS FALLEN BEFORE MY WINGED MIGHT AND BOWED ITS HEAD TO THE ALL-POWERFUL ZARGOTH, DESTROYER OF DIMENSIONS!
Faeowynn: You pushed it… about half a foot.
ZARGOTH: A HALF-FOOT OF CONQUEST! RECORD THIS VICTORY, CATERPILLAR GIRL!
Faeowynn: I am.
And she was! In the log, Faeowynn wrote “Pushed the board forward. Low speed, no hissing. Total of three attempts.”
Then, after a moment, she added “Good, confident response.”
ZARGOTH: TREMBLE BEFORE MY DOMAIN! MY AWESOME POWER SHALL OVERCOME YOU!
Faeowynn looked at the skateboard, at the 6 inches of floor it covered, and then back at ZARGOTH.
Faeowynn: You know what… sure.
ZARGOTH: HAH!
Faeowynn: And! I will write it down.
ZARGOTH: VICTORY! THE DAUGHTER OF THE DICTATOR TREMBLES BEFORE ME!
Tim Wilson read the log three times, trying not to cry. On the fourth read, he opened his mouth to speak.
Faeowynn: No.
Tim Wilson: I didn’t even say anything yet!
Faeowynn: You made the “proud” noise.
Tim Wilson: There’s a… proud noise?
Faeowynn: At least three, yes.
Tim Wilson: I just… you did amazingly. That was fantastic!
Faeowynn: It was six inches, dad.
Tim Wilson: From our most difficult animal, yes! It’s amazing, it’s-
Faeowynn: Please don’t make this a thing…
Tim Wilson: Too late!
And that was preparation week. One goose, one skateboard, five days, and zero tricks. That’s… a success!
The Annual Animal Olympics were tomorrow. This meant crowds, cheering, whistles, announcers, volunteers, banners, lots of peas, and competition. By Wilson’s Wildlife’s standards, they were nearly experts!
Which was, of course, not much of an achievement.
4: The Olympics Begin
Today was the big day! The sun rose high in the sky, a light breeze filled the air, and people were walking around with critter-themed treats, toys, and legally appropriate merchandise. The Wilson’s Wildlife’s Annual Animal Olympics had finally begun!
Of course, this meant that Wilson’s Wildlife Solutions’ chaos now had added spectators. The folding tables were out and surrounded by families enjoying hot dogs. The stage was occupied by announcers and musicians for the day's events. There were volunteers, staff members, the supervisors, and many many animals.
This was not the training pen. It was not five minutes, no eye contact, no cheering, and peas afterwards. This was public.
Hell, even the registration table had a corn crake attempting to enter the beginning skateboarding event.
Registration Volunteer: Doctor Spankoflex, you are not registered for Beginner Skateboarding.
Dr. Spankoflex: CACK! REGISTR-CACK-TION IS A BLUE LAW FICTION! WHEELFEET ANSWER ONLY TO JURISPRUDENCE!
Registration Volunteer: You cannot register under “Tony Cack.”
Dr. Spankoflex: TONY CACK IS LEGALLY DISTINCT.
This has been independently developed. Any perceived resemblances to real people are the failure of the listener.
He did, by the way, successfully register.
Then, it was ZARGOTH’s turn.
Registration Volunteer: Name?
Faeowynn: Faeowynn Wilson. Animal: ZARGOTH, THE DESTROYER OF DIMENSIONS. In all caps.
Registration Volunteer: Event?
Faeowynn: Beginner skateboarding.
Registration Volunteer: Great. You’re third in the running order. Next?
ZARGOTH: WHAT IS THIS “RUNNING ORDER” THE LOWLY SERVANT SPOKE OF?
Faeowynn: It just means you go third, likely after that bird and another competitor. They’ll call your name when it's your turn.
ZARGOTH: CALL MY NAME BEFORE THE MASSES?
That… probably wasn’t a good sign. But what do I know? I’m just the narrator who gets to tell you that this outdoor event was full of people enjoying the festivities while announcers detailed every single thing of every single event. Everywhere. Eating, drinking, talking, watching, cheering, listening, watching, shouting, playing, watching. It’s not like ZARGOTH had a thing about being watched, right?
ZARGOTH: WILL THEY BEHOLD ME AS I CONQUER THE RED THING?
Faeowynn: Yeah, that’s generally the idea.
ZARGOTH: THE CHRONICLER. WILL HE RECORD MY FALL?
Faeowynn: I mean… it’s just an event. He may say something, but no one will record you.
That was a really bad time for the click of a cellphone camera nearby.
If they had brought a pin, you could hear it drop…
ZARGOTH was frozen, or as much as a goose could be. The banners, the crowd, the starting line, the announcer, the skateboard under Faeowynn’s arm.
ZARGOTH: …NO.
Faeowynn: ZARGOTH?
ZARGOTH: NO WITNESS. NONE SHALL BEHOLD MY EPIC BATTLE. THE WHEELED BEAST CONSPIRES WITH THE CROWD. ITS TREACHERY, ITS TRICKERY, IT KNOWS NO MERCY, NO BOUNDS.
Faeowynn: Hey, are you-
ZARGOTH: IT IS TIME FOR A GLORIOUS STRATEGIC RETREAT!
And then ZARGOTH bolted.
Under the registration table, over the volunteers, and back through the door they had entered. Right past Tim Wilson.
5: Back To The Basics
Tim Wilson: Fae?
Faeowynn: Oh no.
Tim Wilson: Are you okay?
Faeowynn: This is exactly what I was worried about. This isn’t enrichment, or confidence building. He’s scared. He doesn’t like to be watched. Look at this crowd! The entire thing is just a performance!
Tim Wilson: Caterpillar-
Faeowynn: Don’t Caterpillar me! Look at him! It took a week to even get him on the board, and now he’s running off even more scared than ever! This isn’t good for the animals! There’s no team building, no training, it’s just having them play for money in front of-
Tim Wilson: Then he doesn’t need to race.
Faeowynn: …what?
Tim Wilson: If he doesn’t want to race, he doesn’t race. Simple.
Faeowynn: But… we spent all week—
Tim Wilson: Helping him. Managing his fears… Not chasing a result.
Faeowynn: What are you…?
Tim Wilson: This event is for the good of the animals. If they don’t want to participate, they don’t.
Faeowynn: …then what do I—
Tim Wilson: I think you should go talk to him.
Faeowynn: Me!? But- I’m not the handler, I just started working here. I don’t know what to do! Why should I—
Tim Wilson: Because… he let you call it the “red thing”.
Faeowynn: That’s your reason?
Tim Wilson: And he let you write down his victory.
Faeowynn: Dad—
Tim Wilson: He listens to you, Fae. Not always, but he listens.
Faeowynn: I… I don’t know what to say.
Tim Wilson: Then don’t say anything. Just be there. Go.
Faeowynn: …right.
And “go” she did. Finding ZARGOTH was not hard. He was back in his pen, crouched under a wooden bench. His wings were flared, his neck pulled back, and a tiny helmet covered one eye.
Where have we seen this before?
Faeowynn: ZARGOTH? You there, buddy?
ZARGOTH: LEAVE THIS PLACE-
Faeowynn: It’s not happening this time, either.
ZARGOTH: THIS FORTRESS HAS BEEN CLOSED. LEAVE YOUR TRIBUTE AND GO.
Faeowynn: No tribute this time. Sorry.
The next thirty seconds felt like hours.
Faeowynn: You don’t have to race…
ZARGOTH: …
Faeowynn: I mean it. We can just leave. No red thing. No crowd. No announcers. No recording. You’ve already had many victories this week.
ZARGOTH: ZARGOTH DOES NOT FEAR THE MASSES.
Faeowynn: I know.
ZARGOTH: ZARGOTH DOES NOT FEAR THE BEAST.
Faeowynn: I know.
ZARGOTH: ZARGOTH DOES NOT FEAR FAILURE.
Faeowynn: …I know.
That… was also a lie. And we know it.
ZARGOTH: IF ZARGOTH DOES NOT RACE… THE BEAST WINS.
Faeowynn: Maybe.
ZARGOTH: MAYBE?
Faeowynn: Or maybe… you just don’t race.
ZARGOTH: …THAT IS A PATHETIC VICTORY.
Faeowynn: Most are. But if you want to try… we do it the way we practiced.
ZARGOTH: NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.
Faeowynn: No sudden movements.
ZARGOTH: NO EYE CONTACT FROM THE DICTATOR.
Faeowynn: No eye contact from Dad. I’ll try.
ZARGOTH: SPHERICAL SOULS OF THE INNOCENTS FOLLOWING MY VICTORY.
Faeowynn: Peas after you win, yes.
ZARGOTH: AND NO ONE SAYS THE FORBIDDEN WORD.
Faeowynn: And no one says skateboard.
ZARGOTH: SPEAK NOT THE FORBIDDEN WORD!
Faeowynn: Right. Sorry. The red thing’s forbidden name.
The moment hung again. Faeowynn had been in this room for exactly four minutes.
ZARGOTH: THEN… ZARGOTH SHALL CONQUER THE RED THING.
And with that, ZARGOTH, the destroyer of dimensions, agreed to return.
6: Is Victory Possible?
Tim Wilson (ANNOUNCER): Next up is the Beginner Skateboarding section, please welcome Big Blue!
Big Blue Handler: Okay, Blue. Remember what we practiced. Gentle forward motion. No eating the equipment.
A strikingly familiar dog-sized blue cube was floating slightly above a skateboard. It had no hands, no eyes, and no visible way to push the board.
Tim Wilson (ANNOUNCER): BEGIN!
Big Blue Handler: Okay blue, just push the skateboard, you got this!
Big Blue remained perfectly still.
This lasted for all of three seconds… Which is two more than anyone else expected, to be fair.
CRUNCH.
Big Blue Handler: BLUE!?
Then Big Blue spat out a white chess knight at his handler.
Tim Wilson (ANNOUNCER): AND BIG BLUE RECEIVES FULL POINTS FOR ENTHUSIASM! And… zero points for performance. Next up, Miss Cassandra!
Hand-carried by her handler in a custom wicker basket was a small Maine Coon.
Miss Cassandra’s Handler: Okay, Miss Cassandra, ready?
Miss Cassandra: You know, this reminds me of a time-
Miss Cassandra’s Handler: Wonderful! Can we save it for after you ride? We have to go!
Miss Cassandra: [yawn] If we must.
Miss Cassandra took her time, humming a tune she had learned back in her pirate days, pretending that she was on her old ship. When she finally got to the finish line, she gracefully jumped off.
Tim Wilson (ANNOUNCER): AND MISS CASSANDRA HAS CROSSED THE FINISH LINE! SHE GETS HALF POINTS FOR PERFORMANCE, AND HALF FOR ENTHUSIASM!
Miss Cassandra’s Handler: Woo! You did it!
Miss Cassandra: Thank you, dear! Now, if I may continue-
Then, from across the yard came the sound of an ear-splitting-
Dr. Spankoflex: CACK! NO BRAKES! UNIMPEACHABLE! ONLY FAILIMENTAL VELOCITIES BEWILZERBUB!
One second later, Dr. Spankoflex, otherwise known as Tony Cack, the Corn Crake with a shouting volume of well beyond 90db—which we dimmed for your enjoyment, you’re welcome—flew past and crashed into the finish line.
Dr. Spankoflex: EUTHINIZE THE GOOSE! CACK ENVITES YOUR INDOLGENCE! VI-CACK-TORY!
Tim Wilson (ANNOUNCER): AND WITH A SUDDEN APPEARANCE WE HAVE TONY CACK WITH FULL POINTS FOR PERFORMANCE, FULL POINTS FOR ENTHUSIASM, AND NONE FOR TIMING!
And so, one consumed skateboard, one elegant cat, and one crashed corn cack, I mean crake, later, only one participant remained in the Beginner dog Animal Skateboarding event.
Tim Wilson (ANNOUNCER): AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, WE HAVE-
ZARGOTH approached the starting line.
Faeowynn gave her dad a look, and moved one finger to her lips. For once, he understood her exactly.
Tim Wilson (ANNOUNCER): Quietly entering the course, we have… ZARGOTH, DESTROYER OF DIMENSIONS.
The crowd fell silent. Somewhere, Dr. Spankoflex whispered “cack”, or as close to a whisper as he could. Three people shushed him at once.
ZARGOTH stared at the red thing.
Faeowynn: You don’t have to, you know.
ZARGOTH: ZARGOTH KNOWS. ZARGOTH SHALL CONQUER.
Faeowynn: Sure.
ZARGOTH placed one webbed foot on the board.
The world didn’t end.
ZARGOTH: …VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!
There were no loud noises, cheering, sudden movements, or even looks from Tim.
Then, the board rolled forward.
One inch.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
There were no tricks. There was no racing. But slowly, angrily, ZARGOTH moved forwards.
Halfway, the board wobbled.
ZARGOTH: TREACHERY!
Faeowynn: Wheel noise!
ZARGOTH: TREACHEROUS WHEEL NOISE!
ZARGOTH pushed again.
He crossed the finish line.
For one more second, it was silent. Then, Faeowynn dropped her finger.
Tim Wilson (ANNOUNCER): And ZARGOTH has crossed the finish line!
THEN the whole crowd applauded.
Quietly, of course.
ZARGOTH: BEHOLD! ZARGOTH HAS HUMILIATED THE RED THING BEFORE THE MASSES.
Faeowynn: Well done, ZARGOTH! You-
ZARGOTH: VICTORY!
Faeowynn: Well… Technically, you came in second. After Tony Cack.
Faeowynn: …yeah, that’s a victory.
ZARGOTH: WRITE IT DOWN, CATERPILLAR HELPER.
And so she did! At least, until Tim approached them both.
Tim Wilson: Faeowynn, you both did it!
Faeowynn: I didn’t do much…
Tim Wilson: You did it. Give yourself the credit! You’ve earned it.
For once, Tim didn’t fill the silence immediately.
Immediately.
Tim Wilson: …can I make the proud noise again?
Faeowynn: …sure.
Tim Wilson Yes!
Tim Wilson: …Caterpillar… Thank you.
Faeowynn: …for?
Tim Wilson: For giving me this. This space, with everything. The space to be weird. To be wacky. To be… Wilson.
Finally, they both laughed.
Faeowynn: That… might be the worst thing you have ever said to me.
Tim Wilson: Maybe. Now, let’s talk about getting you an actual accounting position-
ZARGOTH: WHERE ARE MY SPHERICAL SOULS OF THE INNOCENT?
Faeowynn: How about after we get him his peas?
Tim Wilson: Right, of course!
7: The Afterparty
"ZARGOTH THE DESTROYER OF DIMENSIONS PERFORMS A SICK KICKFLIP!"
Special Thanks
Huge thanks to DarkStuff, a creator of Wilson’s Wildlife Solutions, for building such a wonderful corner of the SCP universe and for supporting us in making this project!
Additional thanks to the members of our production team who helped with editing, feedback, voice work, and development for this bonus episode. Some contributors requested not to be individually credited, but their work and support were deeply appreciated. These are:
- Esme (wolfdragonthing) - For co-writing this article with me.
- Juliana Morewood (moonlitstorms) - For editing this article on short notice.
- Moss, Emily, and Noel - For encouraging us and helping with ideas.
- Téa (teafaz) - For deeply supporting me in this process.
- John, Eris, Peach, Moss, and Esme - For voice acting in the final podcast episode. (See the episode for full credits)
Note: I am Gaia (The Akashain) :D
