We Stopped Making Socks (But What If We Made Something Better?)

"We stopped making socks!"

"Sally? How'd you get into my house?!"

"Not important! We stopped making socks, Lenny! We… we…"

"Whoa there, calm down, take a breath. You alright?"

"Yes, yes, it's just…"

"Oh gosh, here here, gimme a hug."

"Thank you…"

"Now, tell me what happened, okay?"

"Yes, so… in the sock subdepartment, you know how I was telling you about the narwhal pattern? Well, I proposed it, and Nancy, that nincompoop—"

"Whoa! No need to use such profanity!"

"Hmph. Anyways, Nancy, that doughbrain, she was like 'but zebra print!' And I replied 'nobody likes zebra print, but everyone likes narwhals!' Then, guess what she did?"

"She… apologized?"

"No! She's too petty for that, she started crying! And everyone was trying to comfort her, even though she was clearly faking it. But I didn't back down. I fought against the zebra-print menace, and, and…"


"Dr. Cornelius Everett Wondertainment himself was visiting, and he said that us fighting was bad for production, so he paused sock production and said I had to change subdepartments! They fired me, Socky Sally! What am I supposed to do, Lenny!? Socks are in my name, I can't just… just change subdepartments! That's like telling a Builder Bully he has to think up new toy ideas!"

"Then just change to a different subdepartment. Don't you Cloth Moths have thousands of them?"

"Lenny… I can't! Just… I don't know what to do…"

"Well, I… I suppose I have something I can show you. Come over here."

"Your dresser? Why are there so many locks on it? Ohmigosh! Are you hiding non-picture books!?!?"

"No! Just— just lemme focus, I can't open this if you're being all distracting."


"Good. Now…"

Brzzz… click! Drrrrr shing! "Bop it! Twist it!" Clank.

"Ahaha! First try!"

"…what are these things? Fuzzy… pant legs?"

"They're, uh… well, just these things I really like… I collect 'em…"

"Ohhhhh, they're that kinda thing? Scandalous."

"No! I would never! Not before marriage, at least!"

"Lame. But you didn't answer my question."

"Right… do you know my full name?"


"It's Lenny… Legheat. They're legwarmers, passed down to me from Laura Legheat, who got them from Lendon Legheat, and he got them from— hey, what are you doing?!"

"Trying 'em on."

"You're doing it all wrong! Why'd you scrunch 'em all up on your thighs! Pull them down a bit more, and… good!"

"Hmmm… they're like socks… but without the feet cloth! I like 'em, really cozy."

"I know, right! I've always felt too nervous to show others, 'cause my mom said people would always look at her weird when she wore them, but—"

"Lenny. Do you think you could make these in narwhal print?"

"Well… I haven't tried making them before so—"

"Lenny. Could you make these in narwhal print?"


"Then let's get to it!"

"Lenny! You'll never believe what happened!"

"You broke into my house again?"

"Yep! You should really lock your windows."

"I live on the fifth story of this building, Sally. How did you even—"

"Unimportant! But lookit my legs. Gaze upon them. The magnificent narwhal print."

"Sally, I told you, not before marriage!"

"Ugh, you're such a stickler for tradition… anyways, I went down to the sock subdepartment with these showstoppers on, and guess what?"

"Everyone clapped, Dr. Wondertainment was there, now you're his heir to the Wondertainment name?"

"I wish. But it was still a victory about as good. Nancy saw them and started sputtering, she was all heated and I was bragging to everyone about how cool these things are. And people were very interested."


"Yeah! They asked where they could get their own. I said a friend made them for me. And it got me thinking, what if we made our own subdepartment? We have the customers, the appeal, the charm. Just think about it, Socky Sally and Lenny Legheat, taking the world by storm with their brand new product, legwarmers!"


"Now in narwhal print!"


"Much better than socks! Cooler designs!"


"I'm done."

"Alright… well, I've never really thought about making my own subdepartment. But if you really think it'd do good, then we totally could."

"I can't wait to see the look on Nancy's face…"

"Can you please not make this all about revenge?"

"No. No I can't."

"Lenny! Look at these new designs! So I was talkin' to the creatives, and they thought that since narwhal print was doing so well, they ought to make some of other horned animals too. So now we've got unicorns! They're so adorable, aren't they? And so soft too! C'mere and feel it, it's like what touching cotton candy should feel like."

"How many times do I have to tell you this? Not before marriage. But come in, I wanted to talk to you, actually."


"The, uh, sock subdepartment… they sent in a complaint saying that our legwarmers have been taking business from their subdepartment, and that they're not doing so hot because of it."

"Hmph. Tell 'em they'd be doing hotter if they were wearing these legwarmers. They gotta get with the times already…"

"Yeah… it's probably nothing to worry about.

"I bet Nancy made it."

"She did, actually."

"Heh. Predictable. Anything else?"

"Well… there is one small thing. Look at this."

"Are these… armwarmers?"




"I love you so fucking much."

"I'm not gonna say stuff like that until after marriage too…"

"Then marry me."

"…that doesn't sound half bad."

"I'll go down to the creatives. Maybe they can whip up a wedding ring design."

"Sure thing. Oh, and Sally?"


"Wear those same legwarmers tomorrow. I wanna feel how soft they are."

"Of course, Lenny. It'll be my pleasure."

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