Vikander Kneed Worldwide News Network

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The camera pans down to a sound stage, with a wide metal desk, bearing the letters "VK" in yellow. A man and a woman are seated behind the desk, both in suits and holding sheets of paper in front of them. A box of bagels and two coffee cups can be seen on the desk in between them. The background can be identified to be a half-circular map of the world.

Christopher: Hello folks! This is Christopher Dephnar.

Samantha: And this is Samantha Rosati.

Christopher and Samantha: And we are the Vikander-Kneed Worldwide News Network!

The camera zooms in on Samantha's face.

Samantha: Well, all of you at home are probably scared and worried about the Veil dropping, and what it means for you! Then again, I don’t know why you’d be worried now, you barely paid attention to world events before! Why start now?.

The camera switched to Christopher.

Christopher: In case you've been hiding under a rock, magic exists! Always has. Yes, I am serious. No Bob, I’m not kidding. Shut up, Bob. [coughs] Where was I? Oh right, so after the "SCP" Foundation fell and liquidized into the new Vanguard, all the magic in the world has come to light. We at VKTM know the Foundation well; they're what's been keeping us from the public eye. And we think it’s high time that stopped, so this here news network is here to stay! And fuck, do we have a show for you! Isn’t that right, Sam?

The camera once again switches to Samantha.

Samantha: We sure do Chris! First up, we have the weather with Bill Denhum, then at 1 we'll be interviewing the Foundation's former Site-120 Director, Daniel Asheworth in Poland. He better have some seriously good answers for us, or I think we’ll crucify him. [tense laughter] We'll also be hearing from Philip at "Tech Corn-

Christopher: Speaking of the weather… Bill, can you hear us?

Samantha looks over at Christopher, while faking a smile.

The camera switches from the soundstage to a man in a long-sleeve, light blue, and white striped button-up collared shirt, with a red tie. He has frizzled red hair and square wireframe glasses. He is standing in front of a green screen, that is showing a map of the United States.

Bill: HE— Hello, Christopher. I can hear ya.

Christopher (VO)

Christopher: Now, what do we see in the forecast today?

Bill: So today in Florida, we can see a large F5 category storm brewing on the southern coast. From what we know, there is a possibility of lighting balls coming from it. We are not sure if it will fully form and move north, but we are also not sure if it'll disperse. So stay cautious. If you get a weather alert on your phone, go down to your basement or head on over to a secure building. Preferably with no windows.

Bill: Now-

The map behind Bill zooms in on the state of Wisconsin.

Bill: In Wisconsin, we have something a little strange. Light showers of milk rain have been coming from the sky! The FDA para-foods branch has actually discovered that this milk is food safe, and can be used like any old cow milk! So Wisconsinites, leave jugs out in your yard to fill up if you don't feel like paying for milk.

Bill: And further east…

The map scrolls to Greece.

Bill: In Greece, the king god Zeus has recently reawoken from his 3 millennia slumber, and is quite angry about the state of the modern world. Sources say he emerged from an underground chamber room made of stone, it's not known why he would rest himself on Earth for that long. The lord's rage may very well affect the weather, be it storms, wind, or lighting. Stay tuned for that in the future. Back to you Chris.

The camera switches back to Christopher.

Christopher: Thank you for the overview, Bill. Hey Sa-man-tha (He says her name in a sing-songy voice), want to say a bit about our next guest?

The camera switches to Samantha. Samantha gives off tense, abrupt laughter.

Samantha: Sure, Chris. Dr. Daniel Asheworth is the former director of the Foundation's Site-120 near Esterberg, Poland. Even in the Foundation, Asheworth's site was quite unorthodox.

The camera switches two men in an office, sitting at a wooden desk. The man on the left has messy black hair, wearing a white lab coat over a grey long-sleeve collared shirt with a black tie. The man on the right has black hair that had been quickly combed over, black circular glasses, a pencil-thin mustache, and a goatee. He's wearing a lab coat over a light blue, long-sleeved buttoned-up shirt with a white t-shirt underneath.

Samantha (VO)

Samantha: Hello Daniel, how are you?

The man on the left speaks.

D. Asheworth: Just fine, Samantha. Thank you.

Samantha: And who else do we have over here?

The man on the right speaks.

C. Thereven: Dr. Cole Thereven, Daniel's partner. Pleasure to meet you.

Samantha: Is it a pleasure, Cole? Honestly, I’m amazed you have the balls to sit there and talk to us after the 50 years of oppressing our first amendment rights. And look, there’s two of you, trying to gang up on us?

C. Thereven: But, there’s two of you as we–

Samantha: That’s fascinating! Ok, so Daniel, before the Veil fell, your Site was different than the others right?

D. Asheworth: You see, the Foundation wasn't a very… kind organization. The majority weren't very open to working hand in hand with anomalies. Site-120 works to collaborate with anomalies so a more mutual relationship can be formed, instead of containment.

Samantha: I see— Could you tell me a little bit more about Esterberg?

D. Asheworth: Of course. Esterberg is a city that people such as the Fae, Yeren, and regular people can call home. When the Veil was still up, Esterberg was a place where all kinds could live in harmony, without having to worry about hiding themselves.

Samantha: In harmony, but not free right?

D. Asheworth: Im sorry?

Samantha: You were still containing them, right? Those anomalous fae people, they weren’t allowed in the Polish elections, right? Not even allowed to run a fucking gas station. You were still secret world police and all, imprisoning anomalies against their will.

D. Asheworth: Um…

Samantha: And you said you work with Vanguard now. Can you inform our viewers about what you set out to do?

D. Asheworth: Well, Vanguard wants to work toward normalizing the anomalous. Cole, I think you can explain.

C. Thereven: Vanguard has partnered us two together because of our experience with these kinds of things.

C. Thereven: Our usual routine for this is tracking the anomaly, and then offering them protection under Vanguard. Most of the time, they're peaceful and reasonable. But sometimes, they'll have a grudge against the Foundation. We don't blame them at all. But if it continues to escalate, and they use lethal force, we may have to sedate them and resolve it later. Most times it's just a case of them not knowing that the Foundation is gone.

Samantha: I see. Well, is there anything else you would like to add?

D. Asheworth: There is. You see, a lot of people are hesitant to accept magic into their everyday lives because they've come this far without it. To those people, I say that this will benefit you so much and might even make your life whole. And whatever you do, please don't shun the recently outed anomalous citizens of your community. In fact, invite them over!

Samantha: You, Thereven?

C. Thereven: Well, actually-

Samantha: Well there you have it, folks. If at once you don’t succeed, try try and try again. Just our two guests, they’ve been failing to fit in at their old digs but they kept trying, and they supported the oppressive Foundation regime until it was time to switch sides. Why not trust them? They’ve clearly had an excellent track record!

Asheworth's and Thereven exchange looks of confusion, and the video feed cuts out, the camera returning to Samantha.

Samantha: Make sure to contact Vanguard if someone you know is struggling with revealing their true selves. Back to you Chris.

The camera switches to Christopher.

Christopher: Next, Vikander Kneed's Worldwide News will bring you "Tech Corner" with Brian James. But first, a message from the sponsor of today's broadcast.


Shot of David.

The feed cuts to black, and fades to a portrait shot of a man.

VO: Hey. I'm David, David Hassifer. I'm about 200 years old, and like many, I'm a victim of the SCP Foundation's containment. I'd say I was in containment for about… 50 years? It was horrible, and I saw some horrible things that cross my mind, still today.

VO: You see, I’m different than most folks. It’s not just the age, it’s the fact I can’t die and anyone who touches me dies. I don’t like to throw around the “immortal” term, but it applies. Life was already a disaster before the Foundation, and even worse after. I was referred to as a number, and only that number for years on end.


Shot of David.

VO: So many died because of the Foundation's trials on me- and that kept me up at night, knowing that those D-Class died due to… what I was.

VO: Then the Foundation crumbled. I was set free. Soon after, that feeling of relief was overcome with dread and emptiness. I didn't know what to do with myself. I soon turned to alcohol to try and forget about what happened during those years in a cell.

VO: But there was hope for me, still. I called a support hotline and Retwell's Containment Recovery Therapy responded. They helped me to find a job and they helped me to suppress my malignant ability! And most importantly… they helped me find myself again. These days, I don’t let my containment by the Foundation define me. I may not be like everyone else, but I can have a life just like them.


Shot of David.

VO (2): If you, like David, are struggling with issues after your containment inside the Foundation, call us at Retwell's. Our number is 654-113-576. 654-113-576. Our therapists are standing by with open arms. Now a proud sponsor of Vikander-Kneed Worldwide News Network.

The scene fades out, then fades back to Christopher. Christopher is eating Balut, a traditional Asian dish with a chicken fetus, boiled in its shell. Christopher has the egg cracked, and is dangling the fetus in midair with a fork. He also has a napkin tucked into his shirt.

Christopher notices the camera.

Christopher: Andrew. Andrew! Yeah, you. What is this shit? You were supposed to tell me when we came back on air.

He looks behind the camera, intently listening to what the microphone can't pick up.

Christopher: Fuck off, Andrew. I was eating lunch.

He looks behind the camera again.

Christopher: Well come here and get my shit so I can keep things running.

A tree-like arm stretches across the desk, and splits into two different hand-shaped appendages, wrapping around Christopher's napkin and his Balut, and pulls in back off-screen.

Christopher: Thanks.

Christopher throws the fork behind his head, along with the fetus. It slaps wetly against the world map projected against the blue screen behind him. The stain is visibly noticeable for the rest of the broadcast.

Christopher: Welcome back. And now I introduce to you: Philip Hadwriggle, in "Tech Corner". Phil, what do you have for us today?

The camera switches to a black background. A 3D animated green laser appears on screen, and quickly engraves the title "TECH CORNER" in all caps, apparently engraved in metal with a neon green backlighting.


Philip, adjusting his webcam.

Philip: Thanks Chris! One sec folks, let me just adjust my webcam.

Philip reaches forward, and straightens the camera.

Philip: There we are! Hello, and welcome to "Tech Corner!" Today's segment will be focused on the dangers of "Memetic Hazards". If they're not the funny images of Kermit the Frog drinking tea or cats playing the piano on the internet, then what are they?

Philip: Well- memetic hazards are images encrypted with dangerous properties that trigger parts of your mind. What this means is that a memetic image could get you to do as little as sneeze— or as much as causing total brain death.

Philip: But do not fret! This can be solved simply by downloading an AI. We here at Vikander Kneed Worldwide News Network highly recommend an established memetic hazard detection AI— such as the one off, or I personally use the AI from, seeing as they have an entire religion around technology.

Philip: Now! To ensure that this AI works properly, I'll show it to you in action. I've gotten someone to send me a memetic image enclosed in an email. The AI will detect the image- and will hopefully blank it out before I open the email. Here goes nothing!

He faces away from the webcam, and clicks his mouse multiple times.

His entire face suddenly loosens.

Philip: Oh goh…. bib I whot acivate va hayy hii? Uhhh… Chis…. pease cut owwwff—

The camera feed quickly blacks out and switches back to Chris. Chris is staring at the camera, aghast before speaking.

Christopher: Thanks, Phil! That was super informative! I’m sure the folks at home got a lot out of it! Isn’t that right, Sammie?

The camera cuts to Samantha. She quickly lowers her hand below the desk and attempts to hide that she had been holding up her middle finger at Chris.

Samantha: Oops, don’t want the FCC coming after us. Oh wait— [she bursts into an abrupt laughter] we don’t give a shit. Well, that is all for today's broadcast. Tune in tomorrow for the announcement of Ambrose's new restaurant locations, and an interview with the world's leading parapsychologists that are attempting to get Dr. Clef to shut his— and I quote— "little bitch ass mouth." Thank you for watching!

The camera switches to a wide landscape view of the sound stage, where Christopher and Samantha have stood up, apparently in an argument. Their feed is muted as this goes on for a minute longer.

The camera blacks out, ending the broadcast.

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