Deer College young alumni panel.
Very Professional, Everybody! by mxsinister
For the rest of my work, visit mxsinister's corner office.
Deer College Odyssey
The Buck Stops Here
| THREE PORTLANDS | FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 2019 | 1 OZ DRYER LINT |
VERY PROFESSIONAL, EVERYBODY!
ALUMNI PANEL DISSOLVES INTO ARGUMENT, ANARCHY
"I only came because I heard Dr. Wondertainment was catering, and I thought, 'Hey, free food,'" Hallie Hawkins '22 said. "I figured the event itself would be pretty boring. Mildly insightful, at best. But man, if I'd skipped this, I'd have missed one hell of a show."
A panel of four Deer College young alumni, all of whom were born and raised in Three Portlands, gathered in Fallow Hall on Thursday evening for 'Exploring the Paraprofessional', an event held by the Department of Career and Professional Development (CPD) to illuminate what possibilities await our graduates.
The panelists discussed their college experience, careers and insights about the city … at least, they were supposed to.
MEET THE PANELISTS
Klemens Żywicki '16 graduated with degrees in Computer Science and Philosophy and is now an Ethicist at Anderson Robotics, whatever that means. Supposedly, he advises on technological policy, codes of conduct, and adherence to moral standards across all the corporation's operations.
"People think that being a liberal arts program means Deer offers a sub-par STEM education, but they couldn't be more wrong," said Żywicki. "Being in Three Portlands means you have access to opportunities unlike anywhere else in the worlds … Fate and a few blood sacrifices scored me an Anderson internship as a junior, and I've been on that particular corporate ladder ever since. Couldn't have done that at Reed."
Piper Elison '17 became a Public Relations Associate at Dr. Wondertainment after earning degrees in Art and Memetics. Though Elison refused to confirm or deny anything, I'd be remiss to ignore the rumors that she served time as one of those elusive editors of Thee Alchymyst prior to throwing in her lot with the world's most whimsical corporation.
Having lived in WonderWorld!™ for the past two years, Elison said she was honored to have been invited home, remarking that it was "always a shock and delight to come back and see what's changed."
Samira Swandew '14 graduated with a degree in Sociology and Pataphysics and four years of student activism under their belt. Now, they are an independent journalist,1 committed community organizer, member of the Association of Mabian Journalists (AMJ), and author of Driving Uphill: Three Portlands' Forlorn Fight Against Gentrification.
"I think we're past 'keeping ThreePorts weird,'" Swandew said. "But it's still up to all of us to keep it real, to keep it in perspective. Writing is vital to that, I think."
Ai Zhi Argentdrake '14 served xir time studying Chemistry and Ontokinetics with a concentration in Alchemy. Xe worked at Balcony Books & Bakery for almost two years before its bankruptcy, then took xir skills to the Ambrose Soda Bar as a beverage alchemist.
"If I have to give you kids any advice, it's to work hard and network harder," Argentdrake said. "With the right connections, you too could make your big break as a fabulously glorified barista."
FROM BAD TO WORSE
Before the event even began, the panelists were seen bickering quietly amongst themselves. Nonetheless, when the clock struck 6:30 p.m., all four played professional. Each introduced themselves, as recorded above, and briefly illustrated their background and expertise before handing the discussion over to the audience for questions.
Ironically, the invitation for the event contained the following disclaimer: Harassment and heckling of the panelists will not be tolerated. If you engage in any such hostile behavior during this event, you will be asked to leave.
Turns out, it was not the students the CPD needed to worry about.
The downward spiral began when a student posed an innocuous question about how the panelists have fared in paying off their student loans. This was answered by a deafening silence from three of the four panelists.
"Oh, apparently I'm the only one that can answer this," Elison said, looking around at the others before leaning into the microphone. "Full transparency: I graduated with my fair share of debt, all of which I expect to finish paying off by the end of this year. I promised the moderators I wouldn't try to recruit any of you until after the panel, but what can I say? Wondertainment's been super fantastic about it."
Before anyone could pose another question, Argentdrake scoffed: "Didn't know you could pay off your loans in Monopoly money."
Elison acknowledged xir only by cheerily informing the audience that: "She's only saying that because she knows how stable the Wondermark is."
In an affable manner, she asked Argentdrake when WonderWorld!™ could expect an Ambrose establishment. Argentdrake sneered: "Whenever your lot can afford one."
Elison appeared far more amused than offended. After a brief pause, she leaned toward the audience and stage-whispered into the microphone: "Between us, I'm the only one here whose bosses are paying me to be here."2
Żywicki expressed disbelief that Elison was being compensated for her attendance, even when she informed him that this event definitely counted as public relations.
"You act like that's a real job," Żywicki grumbled. Though he said this away from the mic, it still fully amplified his words. A shocked silence grasped the room—readers, I tell you, I actually heard a pin drop.
Elison looked to her left at Żywicki, then turned back to face the audience before observing with blithe, deliberate enunciation: "Guys, I think an ethicist at Anderson Robotics just told me I don't have a real job."3
Equal parts gasps and laughter swept through the audience and panelists alike, which lasted for several moments before Swandew brought the room back on topic.
"It's easy to get swept up in your paycheck," Swandew declared empathetically. "But remember: You're all good, talented students. Your job, no matter what it ends up being, will take care of you."
To which Argentdrake remarked: "Spoken like a true champagne socialist."
To say Swandew was indignant would not do them justice.
"If these kids are interested in doing meaningful work, they shouldn't run away just because there aren't as many zeroes tacked onto the end of their salary compared to someone else's," Swandew said.
"Come on, Samira," Żywicki replied. "This is ThreePorts; they can't run away. They're going to have to drive."
This was taken to be a gibe at Swandew's published research and personal sentiments surrounding Three Portlands' rapid transformation into an automotive city since the 1980s. They are an active and outspoken critic of the city's gentrification and residential displacement, which has been driven largely by investment into private transportation infrastructure.
Elison remarked wistfully that she "actually rather miss[ed] cars", as WonderWorld!™ is a carfree city.4 Swandew called her a sellout, to which she frowned and said, "Well, that's not very nice."
While Elison looked to move on and take more questions, Argentdrake and Żywicki proceeded to join forces in deliberately baiting Swandew into a discourse on injustice and corporate greed. This predominantly included Swandew reminding Argentdrake and the audience how dragonlings had contributed to Three Portlands' expansion and continual entrenchment of social and economic hierarchies.
Argentdrake congratulated Swandew on winning the 'holier-than-thou award' and asked if they wanted a trophy.
At this point, the moderators decided they ought to attempt their job. Associate Director of CPD Glenda Cross '98 approached the table of panelists and said something inaudible, presumably telling them to knock it off.
Żywicki apologized and asked the audience to please proceed with their questions.
Before Cross could even return to her place on the sidelines, Swandew told Żywicki they didn't know "how you can answer questions at all with [Marshall, Carter and Dark]'s dick in your mouth."5
"All three?" Argentdrake clarified. "Logistically speaking, that's impressive."
Elison contributed that there were "actually six now."
Żywicki claimed that Dr. Wondertainment profited just as much from their business with MC&D as Anderson or anyone else.6 Elison did not acknowledge him.
"You realize that if you trace back any of our checks far enough, we've probably all been on MC&D's payroll, right?" Argentdrake pointed out. "If you kids really want to know what to expect in the post-grad job market, there you have it."
"That's assuming an android hasn't taken your job already," Żywicki added. "Or won't within the next five years."
"And don't even think about research if you're not willing to sell out for funding," Argentdrake said.
Swandew argued that these were all harmful impressions to give to students, and that perpetuating a defeatist mindset was part of the problem.
Argentdrake taunted Swandew by telling them their worldviews were only possible on account of their trust fund, and asked how they could "possibly be the most blindly optimistic person at this table when we have a fucking Wondertainer here?"
"It is the easiest thing in the world to be a pessimist," Elison declared. "Anyone can whine about a situation until it gets worse … Whimsy, on the other hand, requires will."
Yet, no one could say the panelists lacked strong wills. Within a minute, both Swandew and Argentdrake were out of their seats, shouting back and forth.
Elison watched the altercation unfold while contentedly snacking from a bag of White Cheddar Snap-Crackle-Popcorn!® from Dr. Wondertainment; no witnesses are certain when or from where she obtained this.
Żywicki scooted his chair a safe distance away, and even had the audacity to make an exasperated gesture toward the moderators. Although they did not step in, no one could really blame them for not wanting to get in the middle of a fae and a dragonling who we were all beginning to suspect might have some unresolved personal stuff that really ought to have been worked out prior to this event.
As one might expect, several students began quietly discussing amongst themselves which of them would win in a fight, going so far as to place bets.7 Though it was difficult to pick up clearly over the shouting, Żywicki leaned over and proposed the same wager to Elison, who appeared to briefly consider it before shaking her head.
The conflict peaked when Swandew sprouted vines of poison ivy from their palm and wheeled back to slap Argentdrake, who in turn transmuted the wooden table into solid iron. Fortunately, most of the security spells integrated into Fallow Hall's infrastructure had already activated, safeguarding the student body from collateral damage.
After appearing to have finished her popcorn, Elison tapped the microphone and entreated: "Please, guys, you're scaring the children."
To which Argentdrake immediately replied: "Can it, Strawberry Shortcake."
Over in the corner, the staff members present from the CPD drew straws. After selecting the short stick, Cross approached the pair and firmly told them to either shut up or take it outside. The color drained completely from their faces. Cross would not comment on what she did to provoke this reaction.8
Soon after, all the panelists returned to their seats. Argentdrake and Swandew sat at opposite ends of the table this time, apparently catatonic. Elison and Żywicki delivered very, very brief closing remarks, but stayed around after to speak with students. The event ended forty minutes before it was scheduled to.
"Today's performance goes to show that highly professional individuals can lose all professionalism amidst the wrong blend of personalities," Cross said. "Nonetheless, we hope students were able to take away some sense of the world waiting for them beyond Deer."
Personally, I would say my number one takeaway is that I ought to consider graduate school.