What are you going to do when the chips are down?
Deer College Odyssey
The Buck Stops Here
| THREE PORTLANDS | FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2022 | POCKET ACES |
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE UNDERVEGAS GRAND PRIX
BUT WERE TOO AFRAID TO ASK
by Vyoma Vira (⁂ThatChirpingBird)
Many have wondered what their life would be like if they were a famous racecar driver. Growing up, karting was something that always captivated me. My brothers used to go with their friends all the time, and would always come home after a long day, covered in sweat and oil, to give me the play-by-play. There were triumphs, costly mistakes, and petty grudges that culminated in someone being pushed into a puddle after the race (which led to a lot of screaming when my mom chased them down with the hose before they were allowed inside.) I was thoroughly inspired, and I believed that my grubby little five-year-old self had the potential to be the next Schumacher or Prost, or any of the other great drivers my brothers pretended to be. The glory of piloting a car at blinding speeds at exotic tracks, standing atop podiums, clutching the trophy and getting bathed in champagne by your rivals. The idea of such freedom was intoxicating, and being called "World Champion" certainly had a nice ring to it.
Naturally, my first karting experience lasted barely three turns before I ran my kart into a wall, and broke my arm. This would be the first time the universe had other plans for me, the second being Halloween of 2018.1 So, like most beer-bellied fathers who "could have gone pro, if not for my knee," I decided to become a reporter, rather than participating myself; sometimes the drivers and the drama can be more interesting than the racing itself. At our small-town track, I clung to the chain-link fence with my notepad and squinted at each passing helmet to find my brothers. I asked for the past-race thoughts of mechanics and drivers, and even the bored teenage concession stand workers who used to bribe me with caramel corn to leave them alone.2
Although there isn't much drama to be found on a barely-paved track in Wisconsin, the stakes in professional racing are much higher. We need only look to Formula 1's "Silver War" of the 2013-2016 seasons between Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg.3 It wasn't just the truly stunning battling on track that drew the fans in, it was the erosion of the bond and lifelong friendship they had that made every turn and collision cut that much deeper.
That was definitely where I wanted to be.
So, when the Visit Undervegas! Racing Team reached out to the Odyssey for the opportunity for a special, behind-the-scenes look at the first ever Undervegas Grand Prix, how could I ever deny it? I'm heading to Hell already anyways; I might as well be sponsored.
WHAT IS FORMULA V?
For the people who spend their time more productively, Formula V or FV is a newly-created class of racing officially sanctioned by the FIA (think: people who make all the rules for Formula racing). Following the Impasse, and its subsequent effect on Formula Racing in what has been called "Glyphgate" (which would require a lot more pages than I've been allowed), there was a push by the FIA to create a series for the "anomalous" (yeah, that made me pause too) in order to "preserve the history and spirit of Formula 1 and other associated series" (whatever that means).
The FIA were… gracious enough to provide suggestions of sponsors, venues, and a list of drivers for the inaugural season. Due to this not being organized part way through the year, and to actually see if this venture was "worth the cost," the season included only five races. These go as follows:| Grand Prix Name | Location |
| Three Phrases Grand Prix | Hong Shing, China |
| Temple of Speed Grand Prix | Monza, Italy |
| Monte Carlo Grand Prix | Monte Carlo, Monaco |
| Boring Grand Prix | Portland, Oregon, United States |
| Undervegas Grand Prix | Las Vegas, Nevada, United States |
Unfortunately for the FIA, there was significant investment in future seasons. These seasons will see an increase to ten races, mixing familiar racing tracks with newly constructed venues in Nexuses and Freeports around the world.
Who is funding this, you might ask? The series and the licensing and the cars and the drivers and all these expansions into the future?
The answer, as it always is: Iris Dark, of Marshall, Carter & Dark fame. As one of the largest companies of, well, ever, Dark was of course the perfect partner for this little initiative. Since they have their gloved fingers in almost every pot, the company was able to source chassis from Dallara, engines from Toyota, and tyres from Yokohama. The teams were given three months' time to select (or create/summon) drivers and modify their vehicles.
Although the specifications laid out by the FIA were, frankly, esoteric and byzantine, here's the gist: this year, each of the teams are given the same chassis, a minimum weight, and a maximum horsepower. This is to ensure driver safety, and some measure of reliability so the cars don't explode once they hit seventh gear. Outside of that, the teams are still competing to create the best vehicle given their drivers. Though some of the drivers are able to find advantage in being able to pull more gs than others (robots and skeletons feel much less of that than us squishier folk), most teams stuck to traditional engine and aerodynamic upgrades. Thaumaturgy was not only prevalent, but encouraged, with the stability of team's glyphs often being the difference between the car being a rocketship (good) or the car being a rocketship (really really bad).
I was on the edge of my seat for every day of those three months, and words cannot describe how worth that wait was.
With all this in mind, I am finally happy to present to you what an FV racing weekend actually looks like.
PRELUDE TO THE UNDERVEGAS RACE WEEKEND
I arrived at my preview to eternal damnation one day early in case there were delays or other, particularly unsavory circumstances that might have befallen me — I'd never been to hell, so can you blame a girl for being a little cautious? I could have run into Reagan, or the mechanic who used to stare at me a little too long when I started dressing femme.4 Hell was, unsurprisingly, like any metro area; as long as you didn't respond to vendors, kept your head down and kept moving, you weren't going to get thrashed by the burly beasts of rival tour companies, or picked up by vicious winged creatures until you agreed to attend a timeshare presentation.
After an untroublesome time (besides when a prayer card my mom sneaked into my luggage fell out I was walking), I finally made it to my accommodation in the Bellagio. After the flight and the bus and the descent and my heist of pens, I wanted to do nothing more than shut my eyes — would it be wrong to say I slept like the dead?
Our venue for the weekend's events!
FV takes place on a two-day schedule, with a practice and qualifying session on Fridays, and two races on Saturdays, with plenty of time between events. With this time, you could go do some sightseeing in the surrounding area: gamble away years of your mortal life for a toiletry gift basket, practice your Elvis impersonation, or get married, all on the same block! Besides that, most fans of the weekend found themselves attending the special team events/venues, where you can pick up some (outrageously overpriced) merchandise for whichever driver or team you support.
Speaking of, there are currently ten teams on the grid, each with one driver. I have even compiled it into a handy table for you to refer back to later on.
| Driver Name | Constructor Team |
 Shirakawa Hana |
Visit Undervegas! |
 Nikolaus Huber |
MC&D-Mercedes |
 Pierre De Fontain |
Renault-Carter |
 Anselmo D'Agostino |
Scuderia Skitter Ferrari |
 Sister Svanhildr |
Valravn-Volkswagen |
 Conall Muldowney |
Radius Racing/Esterberg-Lotus5 |
| Toshiaki Izumi |
Hunter-Honda |
 Ayoub Nihad Anis |
Oneiroi-Audi |
 C4RP3T |
Mekhane Motorgroup |
 Ashton Dean |
Anderson Andretti6 Jaguar Racing |
Now, I would be sacrificing what little journalistic integrity I still had if I did not remind you that I was paid by one of these teams to be here. However, Shirakawa wasn't my first choice to win; placed third in the drivers' championship before the race, she would need to score within the top three in both races, with her competitors placing 6th or lower. Huber and De Fontain, given the resources of their and their past experience in other high-level racing series, were able to quickly get ahead in the season compared to the rest of the field. Shirakawa, after suffering some initial mechanical issues due to the inconsistent nature of her team's engine modifications, was able to recover after back-to-back wins in Monte Carlo, and one in Boring.
I have a bit of a soft spot for C4RP3T (pronounced 'car-pet'), truthfully; the Maxwellists knew what they were doing when they created an autonomous racecar with dog characteristics to represent their team.
But, of course, there is only so much time for me to fawn over a 550-horsepower autonomous vehicle. After hitting the spa to receive a rather thorough complimentary massage7 by a lust demon, who swore himself to be an enemy of my aches and sores, I was off to the Visit Undervegas! Team meet-up.
VISIT UNDERVEGAS! FANZONE
The Visit Undervegas! fanzone was a hop, skip, and jump (short 3-minute walk) from the Bellagio at the nearby Cosmopolitan. Unbeknownst to me, Undervegas has its own flourishing racing scene. Apart from drag racing being perfectly legal (which I discovered from nearly being pancaked by a Miata's sunroof discarded by an imp), rally racing is also prevalent. For the drivers who find themselves down here,8 there is still the chance to continue their careers long after their deaths.
Though not the main attraction, there was an exhibit highlighting the history of racing in Hell's mirror to Sin City. This involved uniforms, chassis (both pristine and char-broiled), and interactive experiences; to anyone who saw me struggling to lift up that simulated tyre, I'd like to see you perform while a succubus is trying to take your drink order.
Belonging to the Man Who Walked Out of Fire.
Outside of the exhibits, there was supposed to be a chance to speak with the team's driver, Shirakawa Hana, but she ultimately failed to show. Instead, we were treated to a speech by the team principal and CEO, Fausto Florio.
Now Fausto Florio is an interesting character himself: prior to becoming the team principal of the Visit Undervegas! team, Florio was Chief of Strategy for Ferrari (a position often regarded with little honor, I am looking at you 2010 Abu Dhabi Grand Prix), and worked closely with scouting new talent for the team. Although Florio's name was mentioned as part of Glyphgate, the amount of separation between him and the cars was deemed too far for consequence, and he was given a stern warning by the FIA. Florio left Ferrari shortly after, returning to Undervegas. Very few were surprised to discover that Ferrari had hired a pride demon.
To summarize a rather long and overly passionate speech, Florio spoke of his commitment to the series, the city of Undervegas, and saying that he had the "utmost confidence" in his driver to bring home the victory. God, it was almost emotional, and Florio himself stained a handkerchief yellow with sulfurous tears. After that, he told us the bars were free and open, and my notes from this point forward veer into the incomprehensible. At one point I had left in an attempt to make my war to the Renault-Carter fanzone at The Obelisk,9 but ended up instead at a table of demons in a 24-hour buffet making bets on how many king crab legs would be restocked next (I was closest at 23).
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Shoutout to Ignominy and Maybelle for making it sure I got back to my accommodations safely <3
THE PRACTICE
After peeling myself out of one of the most luxurious beds I think I've ever slept in (who knew fallen angel feathers were so comfortable?), and snatching two pieces of toast from the buffet, I made it to my scheduled time for the pre-practice paddock walk.
To maintain their competitive advantage, I was not allowed access to the Visit Undervegas! team's garage. However, like any good religious organization trying to get new followers, Mekhane Motorgroup's garage was wide open to the public. Outside of the pamphlets and the proselytizing, this was one of the highlights of this weekend.
Despite being a consciousness directly uploaded into the car, C4RP3T was incredibly animated, with its camera suite and ear-like antennae reacting jovially to the presence of fans.
"Spiritually canine." - One of my tour group members.
Depending on who you speak to, they might either hate practice sessions and use them as an excuse to sleep in later before qualifying, or they might find teams tweaking the technical aspects of their cars interesting. I in either camp, depending on how late I was out the previous night. Sometimes practice sessions come with their own drama, either in cars leaving the track and precariously getting close to the walls, drivers impeding each other on timed laps, or the occasional crash.
Thankfully, this free practice was mostly uneventful, with Huber topping the session followed by Shirakawa and De Fontain. Poor C4RP3T experienced a cascade of issues from calibration failures, to overheating, to being overwhelmed by the many advertisements and lights that turned the strip into the brightest of summer days. Finally, Svanhildr and Muldowney had a close moment towards the final few minutes, with Svanhildr pushing the Radius Racing car over the kerb in what looked like an attempt to smear the skeletal driver across the asphalt. This drew a cacophony of applause from the crowd, who were impatiently waiting for some Mad Max-esque wheel-to-wheel. Following an investigation, the Valravn team was reprimanded.
QUALIFYING
Still hungry from my lack of a breakfast, I decided to use one of my vouchers for food before qualifying began. There was a variety of selections: from pomegranate-based dishes (no), what could dubiously be described as meat, bowls, dessert trucks, and hundreds of other combinations made with the explicit goal of removing the mucus lining my mortal stomach to give me an ulcer. Faced with all these choices, and the probability I would most likely never be getting free food at a race again, I knew I had to pick well.
These sucked.
No ill will to the many-appendaged demoness working the truck; if I had to watch someone walk up and down the line of trucks multiple times and then be indecisive, I would also be quite irate. I did not expect the food to be nearly as angry. Charred impossible "chicken" tenders, "brimstone" fries that made it feel like my lungs were on fire, and Budweiser to wash it all down. And to think Ambrose is the official partner for the paddock club…
Thankfully, in the time it took for me to lament over my food woes to return to my seat, qualifying was starting. What a session that was.
Qualifying comprises a 30-minute period where each team attempts to complete the single fastest lap time to determine their position during the races. Although Shirakawa and Huber opened the stint with two monster times within .003s from one another, towards the middle of the session it was actually Toshiaki of the Hunter-Honda team that was leading the pack. This was followed by D'Agostino and De Fontain, pushing Shirakawa out of the top three. It was at this point that disaster struck for MC&D and Huber.
Formula cars often involve the concept of "downforce," which pushes the car closer to the track for more speed and grip. However, this also turns the bottom of the car into a giant, fast-moving vacuum that can suck objects upwards towards the vehicle's floor. This is fine for the occasional bit of debris or trash that happens onto the track. But this becomes an issue once that object has more mass.
On his final timed lap, while going fastest in the first two sectors of the race, a water drain pierced the floor of Huber's car, disabling it on the final straight, and causing the remainder of the session to be canceled. This led to De Fontain being named provisional pole sitter, followed by Shirakawa and D'Agostino. Despite the damage, Huber's previous time placed him in 4th position.
For those of you who care about numbers, here is the breakdown:
| Position | Driver | Time |
| 1 | Pierre De Fontain | 1:32.312 |
| 2 | Shirakawa Hana | 1:32.664 |
| 3 | Anselmo D'Agostino | 1:32.726 |
| 4 | Nikolaus Huber | 1:32.783 |
| 5 | Toshiaki Izumi | 1:33.525 |
| 6 | Conall Muldowney | 1:33.537 |
| 7 | Sister Svanhildr | 1:33.555 |
| 8 | Ashton Dean | 1:34.422 |
| 9 | Ayoub Nihad Anis | 1:34.550 |
| 10 | C4RP3T | 1:34.806 |
The atmosphere in the grandstands was suffocating — literally, we were packed like sardines almost. The collective inhale could have taken all the air from Undervegas, and I swear I started turning blue as his dead car was lifted off the track by a large, quadrupedal beast acting as the pall bearer.
Surprisingly, the damage was not extensive enough to threaten Huber's race day, though it was reported that MC&D's mechanics worked through the night to make sure everything was as pristine as possible. With a repaired car, and the track cleared of any other potential obstructions, many of us went to sleep that night ready for a tight battle the next day.
RACE DAY
After waking up in time to eat an actual breakfast (that didn't kill me), I was able to cash in a favor between journalists for a short interview with Ayoub Nihad Anis of Oneiroi-Audi racing!
It is an absolute honor to be speaking with you today, Anis. How do you feel about racing in Undervegas?
There was a lot more fire and brimstone than I was initially expecting, and then my manager told me we had not left Las Vegas yet. Things were a lot less extreme once we arrived here, thankfully.
It certainly does take some getting used to. What brought you to Formula V?
The opportunity, for sure. I was doing fairly well in the Formula Regional Asian Championship, but not well enough to wow anyone in particular. The sponsorship money was beginning to dry up as they left for younger, more talented racers. One day my manager called and told me about this series; I thought it was my second chance to make a name of myself. There is no way I could not take it.
Some of the other drivers who I came up with saw the call as a joke, though. Even now they tell me this series is nothing but a place for rejects and drivers well past their prime. I hope to prove them wrong.
I hope you do as well, Anis. Good luck in the races today. Do you think you will find yourself on the podium?
I appreciate it. I am going to need all the luck I can get with the Skeleton and Valkyrie in front of me. I will worry about points if I can make it out of Turn 1 with all my wheels.
Anis had to run to his garage for preparations, and I made my way up to the grandstand for the day's events. Some of the other spectators around me began to settle in, and before the race began, decided to light a blunt for the occasion. Although I did not partake myself,10 the potency of it did help to calm my nerves, though it did make me start thinking about snacks.
In no time at all, Race 1 began. There were, surprisingly, no casualties into Turn 1, though once more the sluggish C4RP3T was overtaken down Koval Lane. Shirakawa was able to crawl upwards through the field, her car specifically built to better vent the heat of the surrounding hellscape. While other teams had to focus on managing their tyre temperature on the hot asphalt, Shirakawa was able to deftly weave through the field, though she spent much of her time battling Toshiaki while trailing Huber. Going into lap 17 of 23, Muldowney's front wing pierced the tyre of Svanhildr, causing the Valkyrie to pull into the pit lane to retire. De Fontain, in an attempt to dodge the incident in front of him, braked too late, and found himself embraced by the shambling barricades shortly after.
One Down, One to Go.
Due to the damage to the barricades, and the race marshals needing to collect the stricken vehicle, the race ended under a safety car. This outcome saw Shirakawa overtake De Fontain in the Driver's Championship by a singular point, while still being 4 points away from Huber. To clinch the victory, she would need to win the race, with Huber placing lower than 4th, or place 2nd with Huber placing out of the points. Given the pace of the Mercedes, this seemed unlikely going into race 2.
The start of Race 2 was delayed, which did not help my nerves in the slightest. To pass the time, I decided to befriend the weed smoking demons and, after following their careful instructions, tried a hit.11 Never again. There was something evil in that strand, and I coughed and sputtered like a car with a damaged gearbox. I had to drink a Lake Mead's worth of water before I felt somewhat normal again.
Race 2 started 30 minutes late, so I was already halfway through my incredibly overpriced nachos12 before the race had even begun. Anis was able to get a fantastic start, overtaking three cars before Turn 1, and Toshiaki received a 5-second penalty for a false start. On lap 9, Huber forced D'Agostino wide into Turn 8, and began chasing Shirakawa for second. The pair began battling seven laps later, where Shirakawa was able to make a buffer by passing De Fontain down the strip. At lap 20, 3 laps before the end of the race, it looked as though Huber would pass Shirakawa for the lead. The two arrows streaked down the track, leaving behind thick trails of rubber and kicking up debris when one or the other went too wide. The shimmer of the advertisements and lights washed over the polished metal cabs, and it soon became clear that the race was simply over: MC&D was simply too dominant, and there was little else for Shirakawa and the Visit Undervegas! team to do.
And then, a crack of electricity, and the reeking smell of sulfur, followed by oil. Huber was slowing, his exhaust wheezing smoke as a wound opened on the vehicle's floor. God! I can only imagine what Shirakawa saw in her mirrors as Huber's car limped, bleeding down the final straight, before lurching to a stop and closing its eyes on the inaugural championship forever.
In the words of a former Foundation Director turned Undervegas High Roller: "The House Always Wins."
After a momentous season, Shirakawa Hana and the Visit Undervegas! Team was able to clinch victory at their home race, and the crowd was absolutely buzzing with activity. I don't know if it was the weed or the emotions, but I spent the majority of the remainder of the night in very satisfied tears.
The final classification of the results goes as follows:
| Position | Driver |
| 1 | Shirakawa Hana 🏆 |
| 2 | Pierre De Fontain |
| 3 | Ayoub Nihad Anis |
| 4 | Anselmo D'Agostino |
| 5 | Sister Svanhildr |
| 6 | Conall Muldowney |
| 7 | C4RP3T |
| 8 | Ashton Dean |
| 9 | Toshiaki Izumi |
| DNF13 | Nikolaus Huber |
On my way back to the school, I watched the post-race interviews with each of the podium finishers.14 Anis was more excited than the other two, De Fontain spoke only of letting go of what happened to look to the future, and Shirakawa — well, she didn't say much at all. She barely even reacted when the pair showered her with champagne after they received their trophies. She was visibly happy, relieved(?) at the results, but her team principal was wildly more emotional about everything. He promised that "this was only the beginning" for his team and his newly-crowned driver.
I wonder how the World Champion will spend her break time in Hell. I wonder if any of my emails about interviews will actually be read so I can learn how the infernal sausage is made, so to speak.
Speculation aside, I wanted to thank the Visit Undervegas! Team once again for their generosity in providing my tickets this weekend. This was truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and what a memorable experience this was. I hope, in a very long-winded way, I was able to share with you a fraction of the excitement I have for this racing series, and I hope you find yourself checking out more about it in the future. There is something here for everyone, and it is certainly not too late to pick it up; FV's story is waiting to unfold, and who knows where it might take us next.
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