Doctors Clef and Kondraki, a devoted couple, are harassed by an anomaly that seems dead set on driving them apart. Will their love prove equal to this challenge? (Workplace Comedy)
Incident 1
“Now, you might think the procedure for taking down a reality bender has gotten easier in the past few years,” Clef said to a lecture hall full of trainees. “Reality Anchors are getting smaller. Some of them are almost passing for ‘portable’ now. You might have it in your head that you can lug one of those things around with you and count on that to save you from reality getting fucked.
“And, you know what? You just might get away with that. You see that anchor over there in the corner? It’s a lot smaller than they were back in my day. Small enough to put in a van. The thing works real nice, too. There could be a reality bender in here right now, and you wouldn’t even know it. They’d just be standing in this room with a constipated look on their face, trying to figure out why the world’s stopped doing everything they want like they’re a billionaire’s shithead kid.
“Now, I’m not going to pretend that machine isn’t useful. This site couldn’t function without it. All of you are going to have your lives saved by it sometime or another, and you’ll have them with you as much as you possibly can when you’re out in the field.
“There’s just one issue. See, unless the green you’re after has had every last bit of intellect spoiled out of them by the cosmos being their personal sugar daddy, and most of ‘em aren’t quite that far gone, they might have the presence of mind to do something like this.”
That was Kondraki’s queue. Suddenly, the esteemed doctor and Site Director, who’d been standing next to the machine, grabbed a sledgehammer that’d been stashed behind, raised it up in the air, and slammed it down on the machine. The first swing on its own was enough to dent the metallic plating around the machine, but Kondraki didn’t stop there. He wailed and wailed on it, breaking every plate and getting at some of the electronics underneath it.
It wasn’t a real reality anchor. O5-whichever had pulled Clef and Konni aside and made them switch to using a prop after the first time they’d done this demonstration. Getting the thing to look convincing wasn’t cheap, but it was cheaper than smashing a working SRA.
None of the agents moved to stop Kondraki from destroying the machine. They just stared, stunned.
“Oh no,” Clef said. “Someone seems to have smashed the absolute shit out of your reality anchor, something anyone, including the reality bender you’re hunting, can do with a goddamned hammer in less than a minute. But weren’t you just telling me how your entire plan for taking down your next reality bender was to rely on that thing? Well, guess what? You’re fucked now. That green who was looking all constipated just a second ago? He’s now the master of time, space, and matter in your general vicinity. He probably knows you’re trying to capture him, he’s mad, and now he’s going to do whatever he wants to you.”
Partway through Clef’s speech, Kondraki tossed the hammer on the ground and walked up to the front of the room, taking his place next to Clef.
“You can’t count on big fancy machines to do your job for you. When you’re sent after a reality bender, you are to incapacitate it before it has the slightest clue what’s going on, because if it’s awake and aware of you when your anchor fails, well, I’d tell you to use your imagination, but it won’t be your imagination that matters, now will it?”
Just as Clef finished speaking, there was a loud noise elsewhere in the room. A high-pitched dinging.
Clef looked around. Unlike the last bit of melodrama, this wasn’t part of the lecture. Clef looked around the room. A few dings in, Clef realized this was supposed to be music. A few dings later, a feminine voice began to sing.
♫ “IIIIIIIIII DON’T WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS” ♫
♫ “THEEEERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED” ♫
The singing was painfully loud. Quite a few of the trainees covered their ears. Everyone in the room, including Clef and Kondraki, frantically looked around the room. After a moment, Clef realized it was coming from above him.
♫ “I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS” ♫
♫ “UUUUNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE” ♫
It took him another moment to spot it. It was small, and the ceiling in the lecture hall was some thirty feet above them. Still, there it was, hanging from the ceiling. A mistletoe, vibrant red and green, directly above Clef and Kondraki.
♫ “IIIIIIIIIIII JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN” ♫
♫ “MOOORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOOOOOW” ♫
Could someone have put it there? Not easily. It was nowhere near the wall.
♫ “MAKE MY WISH COOOOOME TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUU’UUUUUUHUUUUUU” ♫
Despite the music, Clef could just barely hear a bit of laughter from the audience.
“Quiet!” Clef shouted.
The chuckle quieted in an instant.
♫ “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAS” ♫
♫ “IIIIIIIISSSSSSS YOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU yeah ” ♫
Now the crowd was just staring at him, seemingly surprised and alarmed by his sudden burst of anger. Only then did it occur to Clef that whoever’d just laughed probably thought Clef himself had orchestrated this. That thought calmed him down enough that he was able to use his words like a big boy.
“Who did this?” he asked, trying to stay calm, even though he still had to shout to be heard over the music. “Because it wasn’t me. Who the hell thinks they’re funny?”
If it was someone in the crowd, they weren’t eager to admit it. These recruits weren’t his prime suspects anyway. Out of everyone in the room, hell, the whole site, there was exactly one person who’d be most inclined to pull this stunt.
Clef glared at Kondraki, who stood next to him. His eyes were up on the ceiling, on the thing which was still blaring its music.
♫ “I DON’T WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS” ♫
♫ “THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED” ♫
♫ “AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII” ♫
♫ “DON’T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS” ♫
♫ “UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE” ♫
Kondraki looked back at him. He shook his head. There wasn’t the slightest hint of amusement on his face. He genuinely didn’t know what was going on, which meant he wasn’t behind it.
♫ “I DON’T NEED TO HANG MY STOCKING” ♫
♫ “THERE UPON THE FIREPLACE” ♫
♫ “SANTA CLAUS WON’T MAKE ME HAPPY” ♫
♫ “WITH A TOY ON CHRISTMAS DAY” ♫
Clef and Kondraki exchanged a look. This was a mistletoe. It had appeared above a committed couple, in December. Did this thing want them to kiss?
To even ask that question was to make far too many assumptions about a novel anomaly. Who’s to say it even had a mind that could want something?
Besides, if this thing was trying to badger them into kissing underneath it, that was the last thing they were going to do.
♫ “I JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN” ♫
♫ “MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW” ♫
♫ “MAKE MY WISH COME TRUUUE” ♫
♫ “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUUUUUUUU” ♫
They were a couple. They had been for years, now. They’d kissed countless times, and they’d have done it in front of this crowd with no shame. They might have even done it if this thing had asked nicely, though that probably would’ve been a mistake. Giving an unknown anomaly what it wants is usually a bad idea.
This thing hadn’t asked nicely, though. It’d decided to harass them with unbearably loud pop music, and that meant there was no chance they’d give it what it wanted. Neither of them had to say anything to know the other felt the same way.
♫ “YOUUUUUUU, BABY” ♫
“Class dismissed!” Clef shouted, during a lull in the music before the second verse started. Everyone, most definitely including Clef and Kondraki, filed out of the room.
Incident 2
“What the fuck was that?” Kondraki asked Clef as soon as they were out of the room. They could still hear the blasted music echoing down the hall as they returned to Ben’s office.
“You don’t know either, then?”
“No.”
Clef looked at Kondraki for a moment.
“C’mon!” Kondraki said. “I wouldn’t pick a song that annoying. I’m not a monster.”
“I can think of a few people who’d strongly disagree with that statement.”
“Okay, fair, but this time I really didn’t do it.”
There was a moment of silence.
“Think it was Draven?”
“No,” Kondraki said. “He’d do something that didn’t interfere with Foundation business. He’s upstanding like that.”
“True,” Clef admitted. “Who else doesn’t like us?”
“Someone we locked away?” Konni asked. “I mean, that room wasn’t actually anchored. Could be a reality bender was in there?”
“That would require me to have allowed site security to go completely and utterly to shit,” Clef said. “Plus, if a bender did infiltrate Site-17, they’d probably do something more impactful than a prank.”
“I suppose. Who does that leave, then? Another researcher?”
“Maybe,” Clef said. “Which one, though? Gears is too serious. Light is too busy. I don’t see any of the others brave enough to try—"
♫ “OH, I WON’T ASK FOR MUCH THIS CHRISTMAS” ♫
♫ “I WON’T EVEN WISH FOR SNOW” ♫
Both their gazes snapped upward. It was above them once again, in the middle of the hall they were walking down. Fortunately, the ceiling here was a lot lower than in the lecture hall. While that made the thing louder, it also allowed Clef to, after two tries, jump up and grab the damn thing off the ceiling and break it in half.
“We should try to contain—” Kondraki began, but by the time Clef had registered him and realized he was right, the thing was in two pieces, and the music had stopped.
They exchanged another look. “Sorry,” Clef said.
Kondraki took a deep breath. “At least that made it shut up,” he said.
Incident 3
Containment breach sirens blared throughout the site.
They’d come so close to making it through the rest of the day without another breach, but then one of the reality benders in B-Wing just had to make a break for it. He was running down the hall now. He wouldn’t be that dangerous so long as he was stuck in the parts of the site covered by the anchors, but if he made it to an unprotected area, things were going to get really bad.
Clef stood in the surveillance room, along with a dozen other high-ranking members of site staff. The door swung open, and Kondraki ran into the room. There was a subtle sloppiness to his movements. It wasn’t enough that the others in the room would spot it, but Clef could tell Konni had been making some poor decisions in his office, hoping he wouldn’t be needed for anything important this late in the day.
From the look on his face, the humanoid who’d dashed that hope was going to regret it later.
“Status?” Kondraki asked.
“Security’s inbound,” Clef said. “We’re going to try to pinch it from both sides of hallway seventy-one—”
♫ “AND IIIIII” ♫
♫ “I’M JUST GONNA KEEP ON WAITING” ♫
♫ “UNDERNEATH THE MISTLETOE” ♫
Several researchers covered their ears. Most of them were still scanning the room for the source of the sound when Clef ripped the thing off the ceiling. This time, he remembered that he was supposed to try to put it in a box, but a second later, he remembered that he wasn’t in the mood for this shit and broke the damn thing in half again.
Incident 4
Close to an hour later, the breach was resolved. The anomaly never made it out of the range of the anchors, thank fuck.
It was getting close to the end of the day, and Clef and Kondraki were now on their way back to their quarters. As they walked, Clef pulled the mistletoe—still snapped in two pieces—out of his pocket.
“It’s the same one as before,” Clef observed. “The old one vanished from my pocket around the time it appeared. Also, look here.”
Clef pointed to a single spot on the stick, a small ring of plant tissue that looked almost like a scar.
“That’s where you broke it?” Kondraki asked.
“That’s what I’m thinking,” Clef said. “This thing is repairing itself.”
“Okay then,” Kondraki said. “So, it repairs itself in then appears above us. That’s good to know, but it doesn’t tell us how to stop it.”
“I know,” Clef said. “I think one place to start would be—”
♫ “I WON’T MAKE A LIST AND SEND IT” ♫
♫ “TO THE NORTH POLE FOR SAINT NICK—”♫
The object had vanished from Clef’s hand, but he had it back in his grasp just a few seconds later. He made a point to break it in a different spot than the last two times, so he could check if there were two different scars.
There were.
“That’s going to get fucking annoying,” Kondraki said.
“At least that’s all it is,” Clef said. “So far, it’s not in the top one-thousand worst anomalies I’ve dealt with.”
“It’ll get worse,” Kondraki said, “especially if it stops us from sleeping.”
“Don’t give it ideas!”
Incident 5
♫ “I WON’T EVEN STAY AWAKE TO HEAR THOSE MAGIC RAINDEER CLICK” ♫
Clef’s eyes tore open.
Kondraki was on the bed next to him, having also just been awoken by that fucking stick. Clef sprang to his feet and grabbed the damn thing off the ceiling. He snapped it into two pieces and threw them in opposite directions as forcefully as possible.
Kondraki looked up at him. Clef sat down.
“I guess we know, now.” Kondraki said.
“Shut up,” Clef said.
“Interesting way of pronouncing ‘you were right, Ben. You’re always right, all the time. I should stop disagreeing with you.’”
In his right mind, Clef could’ve come up with an equally witty retort to that, but right now he was too tired. After a moment, Kondraki read the room, and changed the subject.
“Maybe we need to destroy it more thoroughly,” Kondraki suggested. “Furnace? Acid? Woodchipper, maybe?”
Clef didn’t reply, but he did get up from the bed and turn the light on. He gathered both pieces of the stick and set them in the ash tray on his bedside table. Next, he pulled some vodka out of the table next to his bed.
“Oh, thanks,” Kondraki said, “I could use…”
Clef pulled the cork off the bottle and poured some of the liquid on the mistletoe, then he pulled a lighter out of a drawer and set the thing ablaze. Kondraki started to speak again, almost certainly to ask if he could still have some. Clef handed the bottle to Kondraki, who took a large swig.
The mistletoe only took a few minutes to burn. It left behind a vaguely stick-shaped clump of ash, which Clef promptly stomped on, scattering the ashes around the floor. He climbed back into bed. “There,” he said. “Hopefully that’s enough to end it for good.”
“Hopefully,” Kondraki agreed, the next time he finished swallowing his drink.
Incident 6
♫ “‘CAUSE I JUST WANT YOU HERE TONIGHT” ♫
♫ “HOLDING ON TO ME SO TIGHT” ♫
Clef’s eyes popped open again. “God fucking damn it!”
Incident 12
Clef and Kondraki fought to drag their half-awake asses into the break room. Every step was a trial. They wanted, with everything they had, to lie back down, but they also knew there was no point. Just because it was daytime now didn’t mean that thing would suddenly start letting them sleep.
How much sleep had Clef gotten last night? He wasn’t sure. Maybe two hours, total? The branch had manifested over them every hour or so, seven times total throughout the course of the night.
Still, if the couple could pull themselves to the break room, they’d find something better than sleep: coffee, that sweet nectar of wakefulness that would make this unbearable fatigue tolerable.
As Clef rounded the corner and entered the break room, his eyes snapped straight to the coffee pot. Gears was there, holding it. A surge of anxiety hit Clef, but it was followed quickly by relief. The pot was nearly full. There would be plenty left for both of them after Gears filled his mug.
Gears replaced the pot in the machine as he turned around. He smiled politely once he noticed Clef. “Good morning, Alto.”
“Morning,” Clef said.
“Did you two get enough sleep?” Gears asked. “You don’t look well.”
Clef had to take a moment to steady himself. “We… didn’t have a great night’s sleep last night, no.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Gears said. “Is it anything I could assist you with?”
“No thanks,” Kondraki said.
Clef spent a minute deciding whether to elaborate. There was a chance Gears already knew about it. Its first few appearances had been in public, after all. However, that didn’t mean it was easy or comfortable for Clef to acknowledge that he’d tried and failed to deal with the anomaly.
“Very well,” Gears said before walking out of the room with his cup of coffee.
As soon as Gears was clear of the pot, Kondraki dashed over to it. He grabbed the largest mug in the cabinet—which didn’t belong to him or Clef—and filled it. Clef took the next largest, a yellow, almost spherical mug with a large smiley face on one side. Both of them started chugging the mouth-scalding liquid like it was a cold one at happy hour.
♫ “WHAT MORE CAN I DO?” ♫
♫ “OH BABY ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU” ♫
The sudden noise made Clef jump, falling backward and spilling the scalding hot liquid all over his shirt. The mug landed on top of him, without another drop of coffee in it.
Clef glanced up at the pot. That was the last of it. He’d have to wait for the pot to brew more.
“At least the mug didn’t bre—” Kondraki began.
Clef grabbed the mug and hurled it across the room. It shattered against the far wall.
Incident 42
Clef sat at a round table in one of the site’s meeting rooms, trying to remember which group of anomalous religious weirdos he was sitting across from. Were these sarkites? Clef hoped not, because he was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to call them ‘sarkites’ anymore, and he had completely forgotten what he was supposed to call them instead.
Kondraki was next to him, not doing much better. Thank fuck Light was there to do the talking.
If Clef was operating on a normal night’s sleep, he’d at least be able to force himself to pay attention to whatever the hell they were saying, but as things were, well, the best he’d gathered was that the religious types were begging the Foundation to renew some kind of non-aggression pact.
“We understand your concerns,” said the old woman representing whichever GoI it was. “Our organization has worked around the Veil for over a century. We’ve never not worked around it.”
“I’m aware,” Light said. “The degree to which you are able to police yourselves is certainly impressive. We particularly appreciate how adept you are at suppressing violent offshoots of your faith. However, we no longer feel that the current terms of our agreement adequately account for the fact that there’s significant overlap between your church’s membership and that of several more hostile organizations.”
Was it the broken god people? No, those guys usually had some kind of weird metal sticking out of them. The hytoth weirdos? Clef tried to get a glimpse at the lady’s hands. Were those scars? They looked like stars.
Part of Clef almost felt bad for them. It was a bit cruel to bring this woman here just so they could check a box saying they’d tried to negotiate. If the Foundation had any intention of leaving these people alone, it would have renewed whatever pact it had before without having a new meeting about it.
Then again, Light was here. If anyone could weave some magic church’s pathetic pleas for mercy into a working non-aggression pact, it was—
♫ “YOUUUUUU, BABY” ♫
♫ “OH OH” ♫
♫ “ALL THE LIGHTS ARE SHINING SO BRIGHTLY EVERYWHERE” ♫
In a single fluid motion, Clef tore his sidearm from its holster and fired three shots directly into the stick of mistletoe above them. Their guest jumped back and screamed at the top of her lungs. A second later, the thing fell onto the table in front of them in two pieces.
Clef holstered his gun as smoothly as he’d drawn it. “Don’t worry,” Clef said. “Just taking care of this.” He gestured at the mangled remains of the object. The old woman looked at the object, then at him, her face making it clear his words had done less than nothing to alleviate her confusion.
Incident 43
“Are you insane?” Light asked as soon as they were alone, after their guest had left the meeting room.
“My lawyers have advised me not to answer that question,” Clef said.
“Honestly, this thing probably is driving us insane,” Kondraki said.
“How long have you been dealing with that thing for?” Light asked. “I know it’s been at least a few days.”
“Coming up on five,” Kondraki said, “and that’s also roughly how many hours of sleep we’ve gotten since it first showed up.”
“Does it only appear when you’re together?” Light asked.
“So far,” Kondraki said.
“Why are you still sleeping together, then?”
“Are you suggesting we shouldn’t?” Kondraki asked.
“Yes. Yes, I am absolutely suggesting that.”
“Wow, Soph,” Kondraki said, “telling a gay couple they shouldn’t share quarters. You know, I could report you to HR for that.”
“As if our HR liaison doesn’t have a restraining order against you.”
That statement had Kondraki looking thoughtful for a moment. “Restraining order…” he repeated to himself, seemingly trying to remember who the HR liaison to this site was and whether Light was joking.
Clef couldn’t remember either.
“Look, I understand that an anomaly forcing you to sleep apart caries some emotional connotations,” Light said, “but with your ability to do your jobs on the line, you’re going to have to—”
“Nope,” Clef said. “We ain’t giving this thing the satisfaction of driving us apart.”
“Seriously?”
“Damn serious.”
“Do you have any idea how lucky you are that I was in the room when you did that? The Church of the Second Hytoth is on the cusp of throwing its lot in with the Serpent’s Hand—”
“Ha, it was them!” Clef said. “I knew it.”
Light let out a frustrated wail.
“Look,” Kondraki said, pulling a flask out of his coat, “we have nothing but the utmost respect for your talent as a negotiator, and deeply appreciate your assistance with the Church of the Sacking Whatever.” Kondraki put the flask to his lips.
“That’s not going to help you stay awake,” Light said.
“Nah, don’t worry,” Kondraki said. He tapped the flask. “Irish coffee.”
“You need to make this thing stop,” Light said.
“Oh, wow,” Clef said. “What a revelation. We should make it stop. We never would have thought of that on our own.”
“Why don’t you just try kissing?”
“Why would we do that?” Clef asked.
“This is a mistletoe. It started appearing at the beginning of December. It plays a romantic Christmas song.”
“None of that is actual evidence that us kissing will make it go away,” Kondraki said. “Even if it were, it might just come back after an hour, just like when we break it.”
“Is it not worth a try?” Light asked.
“No, it isn’t,” Clef said. “It’s not always a good idea to give an anomaly what it wants. Besides, it’s the principle of the thing. That overdressed stick and its shitty taste in pop music isn’t going to decide when and where we lock lips.”
“Ah, yes. The principle of the thing. I should have remembered. That’s an element of our core mission, after all. Secure. Contain. the Principle of the thing.”
“Good, so we’re in agreement.”
“I actually cannot believe you two.”
“Oh c’mon, Sophie,” Kondraki said. “You’re looking right at us.”
Light clenched her fist. “Fine. Be stubborn. Ignore both of the obvious solutions available to you. You still need to find a solution, because believe it or not, your jobs are important, and you’re already too drunk to do them half the time. We can’t have your brains fried from sleep deprivation for the rest.”
“I resent that,” Clef said. “Konni is the only one who’s drunk right now.”
At that, Kondraki smirked.
“Look,” Light said, “if there’s anything I can do to lighten your load so you can focus on making this thing go away without compromising your delicate little egos, tell me. You need to be on this full-time.”
“Uh, Soph,” Kondraki said, “I can’t help but notice a chain of command issue with what you just said. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to give you orders.”
“Call it whatever makes you feel better. Just figure out how to—”
♫ “SO BRIGHTLY BABY” ♫
Light raised her voice to be heard over the anomaly. “Figure out how to make this thing shut up!”
♫ “AND THE SOUND OF CHILDREN’S LAUGHTER FILLS THE AIR” ♫
Incident 44
“As much as I hate to admit it,” Kondraki said, “I think Light might have a point.”
“She didn’t say anything we didn’t already know. We wanted this thing gone as soon as it showed up. We didn’t need her to lecture us.”
They held hands. They glanced upward. The thing wasn’t there. Now, while they were fixing their resolve, they had the opportunity to share a kiss on their terms. Their lips closed in on each other. However, a millimeter before they met…
♫ “AND EVERYONE IS SINGING” ♫
♫ “I HEAR THOSE SLEIGH-BELLS RINGING” ♫
Their lips came apart, having never quite touched.
Kondraki grabbed a broom from a nearby closet, knocked the stupid thing off the ceiling, and stomped on it.
“We need to figure out if someone is doing this,” Kondraki said. “If they are, stopping them is probably the key to stopping it.”
Incident 55
“Hello, Site-17,” Kondraki said. “This is a message from your Site Director, informing you that there is a giant, and I mean giant Christmas bonus for anyone who is able to provide information leading to the discovery of the origins of the stupid fucking stick that has been stalking us for the last week and blasting shitty pop music in our ears at one-hundred-fifty decibels.”
“And an extremely fitting orange jumpsuit,” Clef added, “for anyone who turns out to be responsible for this bullshit unless they come forward RIGHT THE FUCK NOW and make it stop! We’ll put you on one of the nasty SCiPs, too. ‘Keter Duty’ won’t even begin to describe it. We’ll find the worst fucking hell dimension we have and throw you into it, you hear me? You’re going to be fucked in the ass with something red-hot and spikey for all eternity, and I’m going to slip whatever demon runs that place a twenty to make sure that goddamned song is blasted in your ears every second of every—”
♫ “SANTA, WON’T YOU BRING ME THE ONE I REALLY NEED?” ♫
Clef ripped the thing off the ceiling and broke it, but it was too late. The first few words had echoed through the entire site.
Incident 72
“Alright, listen here you cheeky little shit,” Clef said, standing over the table, across from which a member of Gamers Against Weed cowered. “You’re going to tell me which of you fuckers is responsible for this!”
“You… you’re going to have to be more specific.”
“You know what you did!” Clef said.
“I… I… I’ve done lots of things.”
“This thing has been harassing us for weeks, now!” Kondraki said. “Maybe it was a tiny bit funny the first time—”
“Konni!”
“But it’s long-since worn out its welcome. We know one of you did it. You’re going to tell us which one it was, and you’re going to help us make them stop.”
“I really don’t know which thing you’re talking about, okay? Can you at least describe it for me?”
Kondraki pulled the currently-snapped mistletoe out of his pocket and set it down on the table in front of the young reality bender. The youth looked at it, quizzically. He looked up at Clef and Kondraki.
“That… what’s that?”
“A prank someone has been pulling on us,” Clef said. “We both know who plays anomalous pranks, don’t we?”
“You guys communicate with each other,” Kondraki said. “Even if it wasn’t you who made it, there’s no way you didn’t hear about it from the one who did.”
“I swear, I don’t know anything about any anomalous mistletoe. What does the thing even do?”
“It plays a stupid joke is what it does,” Clef said. “That’s your parlance, isn’t it? You know any other group of reality-fucking chucklefucks who think they’re funny?”
“Any anartist could have made something like that!”
Clef stared into the young green’s eyes. For the sake of the interrogation, he did his best to come across like he was absolutely sure the boy was guilty. Secretly, though, he was trying to find some hint as to whether the boy was telling the truth.
Clef’s gaze was so intense that the kid averted his gaze.
He slammed his fist on the table. “Eyes on me, boy!”
The young anartist hesitantly returned his gaze to Clef.
This kid was shitting his pants.
In fact, he was shitting his pants so hard it made Clef suspect him less. He couldn’t help but think that, if he knew anything, he’d have spilled it.
Clef stood and took a deep breath.
“Do you… believe me?” the kid stammered.
Clef didn’t answer. He just kept staring into the kid’s eyes.
♫ “WON’T YOU PLEASE BRING MY BABY TO MEHEEHEE OHHHHHHHHH!” ♫
Kondraki grabbed the thing and broke it again in less than a second. Clef almost did the same, but, through the fog of sleep deprivation and simultaneous abuse of alcohol and caffeine, he just barely had the presence of mind to let Konni take care of it and keep his eyes on the kid.
The kid was covering his ears, staring up at the mistletoe in utter confusion. There wasn’t a hint of amusement or satisfaction on his face.
This kid genuinely had no idea what was going on. This wasn’t his work, and given how freely they communicate with each other, it’s probably no one else in Gamers Against Weed either.
Incident 96
“It’s almost Christmas,” Clef groaned. “How are we still at a loss about where this thing came from?”
“Maybe it’ll go away on its own once Christmas is over.” Kondraki said. The idea lingered in the air between them for a moment.
But there was no way in hell they’d be that lucky.
“We need to find a new approach,” Kondraki said. Clef didn’t respond for a moment. “Clef?” Kondraki said.
Clef forced his eyes open and his head up. He’d been nodding off at the table. He took another sip of coffee. “Sorry,” he said. “You’re right. We’ve been out of commission for too long already. We need to make this stop, and fast.”
♫ “OH, I DON’T WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS” ♫
♫ “THIS IS ALL I’M ASKING FOR” ♫
Through the fog of sleeplessness, it took a few seconds before Clef had the energy to stand and grab it from the ceiling.
♫ “I JUST WANNA SEE MY BABY” ♫
♫ “STANDING RIGHT OUTSIDE MY DOOR” ♫
Clef snapped it in half and dropped it on the table between them. They knew it was only momentary relief.
“Let’s take a second look at what it’s been doing,” Kondraki said. “Maybe we can find some kind of weakness.”
“Maybe. Is there any other pattern to where it shows up, other than that it’s on top of us?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Just spitballing. We need to find somewhere to start.”
“Alright.” Kondraki thinks for a moment. “Okay. I’ll get a map of the facility. Let’s try to remember everywhere it’s shown up.”
Incident 97
The two looked down at their map of the facility. The two had marked every location where they remembered the thing appearing. They’d probably missed a few, but that wasn’t a big deal. Even a modest sample could give meaningful data.
“Notice anything?” Clef asked.
“Not really,” Kondraki said. “It shows up in staff areas, but of course it does. That’s where we spend all our time.”
“Maybe…” Clef studied the item for a bit longer. “Has it ever shown up in a containment area, though?”
Both of them study the map. “No, I don’t think so,” Kondraki said.
“Because I’m noticing that it’s never appeared in range of the reality anchors. Not once.”
That got Kondraki studying the map again. “I think you’re right,” he said. “That could be a coincidence, though, just a function of the fact that we spend less time there.”
“This thing has appeared dozens of times,” Clef said, “and it’s not as though we’re never in those areas.”
“Aren’t you basically a living reality anchor anyway?”
“Not as strong as our machines, especially when something’s not trying to directly affect me.”
“Okay. So, maybe this thing can’t show up in the range of an anchor. How are we going to use that? We can’t get the whole site anchored. Too expensive.”
“Well, if anchors fuck with its teleporting one way, maybe they could the other way, too? Maybe we can use that to trap it.”
“Sure,” Kondraki said. “I’ll take it into light-containment. There’s an anchor covering that.” Kondraki reached into his coat pocket, searching for the stick. Over the following seconds, frustration gradually grew on his face. “Fuck.”
“What?”
“It’s gone. I think it heard us.”
“Damn it.”
“It’s okay. It’ll show back up eventually.”
“No doubt about that. Still, I get the feeling it’ll keep running away if we try to bring it in range of an anchor.”
“Maybe we have to be a little more clever, then? Maybe we can set a trap for it?”
“Maybe.” Kondraki thought for a moment. “Actually,” he said. “There is one thing we’ve done that seemed to make it appear.”
“There is?”
“Yes, remember? The time we tried to kiss while it wasn’t watching?”
“Right… and it showed up.”
“Exactly. Now, the last time this thing showed up was only half an hour ago. It’s not due to come back for another ten minutes, at least. If we try to kiss right now, and it shows up—”
“Then we probably have a way to make it show up where we want it to,” Clef said, “meaning we can turn off a reality anchor, kiss in its range, and turn the anchor back on when the thing shows up.”
“Exactly,” Kondraki said. “We can’t be certain it’ll be trapped, but it’s definitely worth a try.”
They glanced at each other for a moment. “Well then,” Clef said, “your breath presentable?”
“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Kondraki said. “It’s not like yours is any better.”
“It is, too,” Clef said. “It’s not good, but it is better.”
Kondraki sighed. “Whatever. Let’s just do it.”
After a moment, Clef nodded. The two of them leaned over the table, bringing their lips closer together. Just a moment before their lips met…
♫ “OOOOOH I JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN” ♫
♫ “MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW” ♫
♫ “MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE” ♫
♫ “OH BABY, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUUUUUUUUU” ♫
They sat back in their chairs, their lips having never quite touched. Those same lips were now curled into a pair of devious smiles.
Incident 99
“Absolutely not,” Light said. “That is not an acceptable security risk.”
“I’m going to be honest,” Kondraki said, “that’s a pretty bold thing to say to the Site Director.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s not my job to tell you when you have a stupid idea. We can’t just turn off one of the reality anchors. There’s a reason those machines all have a dozen fail safes and backup generators. They’re there because the things in their influence must never be allowed to bend reality, even for a moment.”
“Obviously we’ll move all the dangerous anomalies to another area of the site before disabling—”
“Not all of them can be moved easily. Not all of them can be moved at all. Which wing do you propose we empty of all anomalous items?”
“Northeast,” Kondraki said.
That took Light by surprise. She clearly hadn’t expected a real answer to her question.
Kondraki pulled out the map they’d used earlier and set it on the table. “There’s nothing but humanoids in that wing. All we have to do is move them to another area of the site for a few minutes. I don’t see any unacceptable risks in that.”
Light looked at the map for a moment. A complicated combination of irritation and relief spread across her face. “Okay, you’ve thought this through. I’ll give you that, but it’s still a risk, undertaken for the sake a problem that might have other, simpler solutions.”
“Like what?” Clef asked.
“We’ve had this discussion before.”
“And we’ve ruled out your proposals,” Kondraki said.
“The fact that you’re too stubborn to try something does not make it ‘ruled out.’”
“The unacceptability of a cost is always subjective,” Kondraki said. “I, for one, think moving a few dozen humanoids to another area of the site for an hour is a smaller risk than doing what this thing wants. For all we know, kissing underneath it is just what it needs to be able to create some kind of horrible disaster, or fuse our lips together, or turn us to stone. Much better to shuffle a bunch of well-understood humanoids around the site than take a big risk with one we don’t understand.”
Light took a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll grant you the possibility that kissing under this thing will activate some kind of trap, but moving a lot of prisoners at once can also go wrong in a lot of ways. It’s not a risk-free solu—”
♫ “ISSSSSSSSS YOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU” ♫
♫ “YOUUUUUU, BABYYYYYYYYY” ♫
“Fucking hell,” Light said. She reached up to try to pull the thing off the ceiling but was just a hair too short to reach it. Clef and Kondraki both could have, but, for once, they didn’t. They just stood there.
“You sure?” Clef asked, having to raise his voice to be audible over the music. “I’m starting to think it just might be worth the risk.”
♫ “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS” ♫
♫ “YOUUUUUU, BABYYYYYYYYY” ♫
“Fine!” Light said with a long, seething breath.
Incident 100
The couple stood in a containment chamber. At any other time, this cell belonged to some two-bit reality bender and was covered by a reality anchor. Right now, though, the usual occupant of this cell was off enjoying extra socialization time in another wing of the site, and the two doctors were sitting on its bed, waiting for Gears to give them the signal.
“Don’t worry,” Kondraki said. “This is going to work.”
“Who the hell said I was worried? Why would I be worried?”
Konni shrugged his shoulders.
Clef sighed. “I admit, I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep.”
“We’re ready,” Gears said from the site’s control room.
“Awesome,” Kondraki said. “Don’t wait for a signal. Do it as soon as the thing shows up.”
“I remember the plan, Benjamin.”
The two looked at each other. No time like the present. Slowly, so as to give the damn thing plenty of time to show up, they moved their lips together. Just before they met…
♫ “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS” ♫
♫ “YOUUUUUU, BABYYYYYYYYY” ♫
♫ “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS” ♫
♫ “YOUUUUUU, BA—” ♫
Gears turned the anchor back on. Instantly, mercifully, the music stopped, and the item fell to the ground without them needing to touch it.
The doctors looked at each other. They were both beaming, savoring the peaceful silence. They wrapped their arms around each other, and, for the first time in a month, kissed. Kondraki’s mouth tasted just as bad as Clef remembered, and he didn’t give a single fuck. Right now, it was his favorite taste in the world.
Incident 101
Clef and Kondraki sat next to each other the following Christmas Morning.
Okay, “morning” might have been a bit of a stretch. It was 6:37 PM. However, they’d only been up for half an hour or so, and that made it Christmas morning.
Normally, someone would get on their case for oversleeping that badly, but everyone in the site knew they hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in months, so it seemed none of them felt the need to chastise them for their laziness.
They sat in front of the small Christmas tree in their quarters. There were a handful of gifts under it, from various friends and family. Next, it was time for Kondraki’s kid.
Draven’s gift was in a large box, with a large, thick Christmas card on top of it. Kondraki pulled the card off of it. He ripped open the envelope and pulled the card out.
It was made of something plasticy rather than simple paper, and about twice as thick as a greeting card would normally be. There was no text on the outside, just a bright green, heart-shaped wreath on a red background. Honestly, it was a strange choice. Its vibe was more romantic than familial.
For a moment, Clef wondered why Draven had picked it. After a moment of thought, the answer dawned on him, just as Kondraki was about to open the card.
“Don’t open that!” Clef shouted, but it was too late. Kondraki held the now-open card in his hand. From a cheap, tiny speaker inside it, music rang out.
♫ “And IIIIIII” ♫
♫ “I’m just gonna keep on waiting” ♫
♫ “Underneath the mistletoe” ♫
Clef grabbed the card out of Kondraki’s hand and threw it across the room. Its music was much quieter than the anomalous mistletoe’s had been, but Clef didn’t care. “That little shit!”
Kondraki was laughing his ass of.
“After what we’ve been through for the past few days—”
“I know, right? I’m so proud.”
Clef looked over at Kondraki.
“Admit it,” Konni said, “if all of this had happened to Gears, we’d have sent the exact same card.”
Now that he heard the words spoken aloud, it was impossible for Clef to deny them. There was another ten seconds of laughter before Kondraki calmed down with a final, long exhale. Clef also took a deep breath. “We’re going to get him back, though, yeah?”
“Oh, absolutely,” Kondraki said. “I already have something in mind.”