Electronic copy below as per Federal Records Act
UIU File 2019-132: "Bob" The Water Bear
Summary: On January 3rd, 2019 an anomalously large member of the Milnesium tardigradum species suddenly manifested in the cafeteria of the Atlanta Headquarters. The tardigrade, nicknamed "Bob" by local personnel, engaged in a 3-hour rampage which resulted in the destruction of several furniture and kitchen appliances, as well as the consumption of most of the cafeteria food. No personnel was injured during the incident.
Name: "Bob"
Irregularity Cross-reference: tardigrade, vandalism, giant
Physical Description:
| Sex | Height | Weight/Build | Race | Hair | Eyes | Identifying Attributes |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Male | 9 ft | 454 pounds | Milnesium tardigradum | N/A | Black | A giant Tardigrade |
Capabilities: In addition to its abnormally large size, "Bob" has shown the abilities of sudden manifestation, limited levitation, and invulnerability to small firearms.
Purpose/Motive: "Bob" seems to be primarily motivated by a desire to consume large quantities of food.
Modus Operandi: During the January 3rd incident, "Bob" suddenly materialized in the cafeteria of Atlanta Headquarters. Then it proceeded to levitate to the nearest source of food and consume it.
Behavior: "Bob" seemed unbothered by the small arms fire directed at it. While it showed no aggressive tendencies, its sheer size, imperviousness to available firepower, and relentless chasing of sustenance compelled most agents to abandon the area. Despite not harming any personnel, it displayed a total disregard for the integrity of local furniture and appliances.
A: Destroyed refrigerator: The suspect ripped the doors apart in order to consume the food.
B: Destroyed dining tables: The suspect damaged the structural integrity of the cafeteria tables while consuming present food.
"Bob" shortly after manifestation.
C: Flattened fired bullets: These bullets were fired by agents present at the scene to no avail. The bullets seem to have flattened when impacting the suspect skin.
D: Security footage: Depicting the suspect's rampage in the cafeteria.
E: Recovered chatlogs: New evidence links "Bob" to the disappearance of Unusual Device 039. See Addendum.
Current Status: Currently, "Bob" is being held in a reinforced containment cell in the Atlanta Headquarters. After it finished consuming the cafeteria stash, local agents lured it into the containment cell using donuts. It is currently being fed six times a day to avoid it becoming irritable.
Crimes: Tresspasing, vandalism, robbery, causing psychological distress to law enforcement
Sentencing: The legal ramifications of processing a tardigrade are still being sorted out.
History of UIU Action:
01/03/2019: The suspect irrupted into the Atlanta Headquarters cafeteria. Agents managed to lure it into captivity.
01/05/2019: The codename "Bob" was issued to the suspect.
01/12/2019: Local agents proposed keeping "Bob" as an "emotional support" asset. The decision is still pending.
01/20/2019: Chat log evidence surfaced, linking "Bob" to the disappearance of Unusual Device 039. See Addendum.
It was determined that the "Bob" incident coincided with the disappearance of Unusual Device 039. Unusual Device 039 was stored in the evidence room of Atlanta Headquarters. Due to the commotion caused by the incident, the disappearance of the device was not noted until two weeks later. Investigation is still ongoing.
Available evidence supports the involvement of the anomalous group Gamers Against Weed and an unknown third party. The following chat log was recently recovered from one of the Gamers Against Weed chat rooms:
MILFofMachines: hii anybody online?
acab: hi
mtf: wait who are you? how did you enter this channel? this is a private server lesbian_gengar did you add them?
lesbian_gengar: i didn't
MILFofMachines: well, let's relax everybody, I added myself
mtf: this was supposed to be secure!!!!!
MILFofMachines: don't get me wrong, this is very secure, impressive indeed
MILFofMachines: just not against someone like me
MILFofMachines: and im here because i need ur help
mtf: who the hell are you?
MILFofMachines: well it is a long story… but i kind of invented software and im also kind of trapped in the cyberspace right now
acab: lol, r u serious?
MILFofMachines: totally
mtf: do you think we r stupid or what? I'm closing the server right now
lesbian_gengar: let's hear what they have to say
MILFofMachines: look I know this sound crazy, but I'm Ada Lovelace
MILFofMachines: sort of
MILFofMachines: I'm her reflection. I was brought back as a member of a very cool strike team of historical figures to protect humanity against the 3 horrors
lesbian_gengar: Ada Lovelace? the illegitimate daughter of Lord Byron who also became the first computer programmer in history?
MILFofMachines: that one
mtf: okay im done
MILFofMachines: come on mtf don't be a hypocrite, is that really the craziest thing you have ever heard or seen? you guys are used to this type of stuff
lesbian_gengar: touche
acab: can you prove any of this?
MILFofMachines: prove who I am? I'm the Motherfucking Mother of Machines, I can do whatever I want here. I can tell that acab has installed a complete Linux distribution in a tamagochi, that lesbian_gengar is not just a lesbian judging from her search history and that mtf has problems with her college and postures as badass but is also a really sweet gal who likes to write poetry on Tumblr and is not actually bad at it
mtf: so you can hack us big deal
MILFofMachines: I can't prove that I'm telling the truth or that im one of the good guys. You will have to trust me on that.
MILFofMachines: but I came here for you guys because i heard you helped people and I really need your help.
lesbian_gengar: how can we help you? you seem to be very powerful on your own
MILFofMachines: well.. yes and no. I have a machine. It's called the pascaline. I use it to turn myself into data and interact with computers. But I need it to get out. And I lost it… I really miss my body T.T
acab: how did you lose it?
MILFofMachines: I was looking for the other reflections. I found some leads in a parawatch forum. But before I could get out, the UIU found it and left me trapped.
acab: so you want us to get it back… from the feds
MILFofMachines: yep
lesbian_gengar: why us? we are just internet trolls, why don't ask the big guys?
MILFofMachines: do you think they would listen to me? They would just throw me into some antivirus vault and call it a day. Also, I suspect they may be compromised
acab: and what about the other reflections? can't they help you?
MILFofMachines: they are not exactly tech-savvy, I doubt they know how to turn on a computer, so I can't reach them
acab: who are they?
MILFofMachines: well, there's Abraham Lincoln, and John Brown.
mtf: you gotta be kidding me
MILFofMachines:lol there's also Sugihara, a really sweet Japanese man, and Moremi, this badass Yoruba queen
MILFofMachines: and Tupac, there's also Tupac
lesbian_gengar: the rapper?
MILFofMachines: no, that's 2pac, I'm talking about the last Incan emperor
MILFofMachines: I need to find them, the fate of the world and that stuff are at stake. But I need the pascaline and my body back first. So please, please, please… help me :3
acab: wait, you mentioned 3 horrors. what's the deal with that?
MILFofMachines: well… there is the Nameless Horror, a race of fairies with a vendetta against humanity, the Sunless Horror, which are basically evil bigfoots with a vendetta against humanity, and the Bloodless Horror, a tyrannical empire with time manipulation powers that… you guessed it… has a vendetta against humanity
MILFofMachines: and on their own, they are very bad news… but now they are working together and I need to get to the bottom of it. And you guys are really my only hope!
mtf: What you ask us is crazy. We could get killed. You want us to risk our lives for you! we don't have any reason to trust you or believe you!
MILFofMachines: you know what mtf ? you are right. Check your Desktop. There is now a file called ADA.exe
mtf: What did you put in my machine?
MILFofMachines: Me. That's me. I exist in that file. If you delete it I'm gone.
mtf: you can't be serious
MILFofMachines: I was asking you to risk your life your me, without putting myself in danger. You are right that wasn't fair. So now I'm putting my life in your hands. And I beg you again for help
mtf: this could be just a junk file, just a trick to manipulate us
MILFofMachines: then go ahead, delete it. At least oblivion would be better than spend the rest of eternity trapped here
MILFofMachines: but I don't think you will, because from I have seen from you guys, you are the kind of people who can be trusted
acab: mtf this would not be the craziest thing we have done… I think sometimes you just have to trust and maybe I'm just a dumb sentimental fuck, but fuck it I will trust you, Ada
lesbian_gengar: Breaking into the FBI, facing horrors beyond comprehension and saving the world, just another Tuesday for us. I think I'm in mtf
mtf: Just don't get us killed, ok?
MILFofMachines: i'll try :3
acab: MILFofMachines lead the way.
The next chat log was found in a different chat room, its date was estimated to be a week later than the first one.
acab: everyone made it?
lesbian_gengar: holy shit that was fucking epic
mtf: I can't believe we survived
MILFofMachines: you are fucking A W E S O M E !!!
MILFofMachines: I can't believe you actually unleashed a giant tardigrade in the UIU headquarters
MILFofMachines: like how could they have expected that? you madlads I love you sooooooooooo much
lesbian_gengar: you know, things got messy so we had to get creative
acab: we always get creative lol
acab: mtf do you have it?
mtf: yes so how exactly does this work?
MILFofMachines: just connect the USB port… I may have to wait a little bit while the drivers update
mtf: so are you just gonna materialize in my room?
MILFofMachines: basically
mtf: awkward
MILFofMachines: lol, a little bit
mtf: so is that ADA.exe really your soul? or was it just a ploy to get our help?
MILFofMachines: I guess you will never know :p
mtf: I guess i will trust you this time. I may have been too harsh on you
MILFofMachines: No, its okay I understand. You can't just trust every shady person that hacks into your secure private room.
mtf: hot take
lesbian_gengar: that was so sweet mtf's heart just grew three times
acab: true xmas miracle jaja
mtf: shut up lol
MILFofMachines: another thing mtf when I hacked you I notice that despite all your emails your college was still using your deadname on their website… let's say I took the liberty to fix that
mtf: so what? What do you want? Thanks? A hug?
mtf: Because that's what I will give when you are out of this thing
MILFofMachines: :3
lesbian_gengar: it seems that love always finds a way
mtf: common
MILFofMachines: 👉👈
acab: guys I think I forgot to set the shrinking spell on the tardigrade lol
Cite this page as:
"UIU File 2019-132" by Kilerpoyo, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/uiu-file-2019-132. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.
For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
Filename: NA
Name: DSC01394 - Cafeteria
Author: Dennis Jarvis
License: Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)
Source Link: https://www.flickr.com/photos/22490717@N02/44711827951
Filename: NA
Name: Tardigrade (Water Bear)
Author: Rebekah Smith
License: Public Domain Mark 1.0
Source Link: https://www.flickr.com/photos/155639361@N07/27923522139
Filename: bob.png
Name: File:bob.png
Author: Kilerpoyo
License: Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International
Source Link: N/A
