UIU File: 2006-022

NOTICE FROM FBI Unusual Incidents Unit

By Order of UIU, most of the following part of the file is classified as 'Pure Nonsense'. Under no circumstances should you consider any of the following file true.

Initial Report

Electronic copy below as per Federal Records Act

UIU File 2006-022: Vending Machine

Summary:
Summary: On January 7, 2006, UIU agents responded to reports of localized electronic malfunctions and 'judgmental' auditory phenomena within an abandoned shopping arcade. Initial reports from local law enforcement indicated that nearby ATMs were dispensing currency in repeating, non-standard denominations. A joint investigation was conducted with Foundation personnel (Ref: Dr. Harlan Pike). The source was identified as a beige vending machine located in a maintenance hallway. The object exhibited minor reality distortion and temporal looping of physical assets. The situation was neutralized via standard deactivation (unplugging).

Suspect Description/Capabilities

Name: Unknown (Self-identified as "OUT OF ORDER")

Irregularity Cross-reference: Electronic, Sentient-Appliance, Utter nonsense.

Physical Description:

Sex	Height	Weight/Build	Race	Hair	Eyes	Identifying Attributes
N/A	~180 cm	~275 kg	N/A	N/A	2 Googly Eyes glued on by Agent Fall .PERFECT USE OF BUREAU MONEY!	Beige, dented exterior; flickering internal lights; handwritten warning sign.

Capabilities: The subject generates a localized reality distortion field that interferes with surrounding electronics (specifically ATMs and arcade machines). "It" possesses a 'Anomalous Manufacturing Loop,' allowing "it" to dispense identical items (same brand, lot number, and expiration date) indefinitely. "It" also emits a variable frequency hum described by witnesses as 'creepy' or 'musical,' suggesting a low-level empathetic or sentient response to its environment..FALL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WRITING!!?

Purpose/Motive: The subject appears to be attempting to fulfill its primary function (dispensing goods) despite internal mechanical failure. "It" exhibits a defensive or 'sensitive' psychological profile, specifically warning against verbal 'criticism.'

Modus Operandi: Manifests electronic interference in a 20-meter radius. "It" dispenses items when physically prompted (e.g., a kick) or when its humming reaches a specific resonance.

Behavior: Passive-aggressive. The subject remains stationary but uses auditory cues.IT MADE THE FAINTEST NOISE HOW DID FALL HEAR IT?!To.(^_^) express 'effort' or 'judgment' toward nearby individuals. "It" discourages interaction via a multi-exclusionary sign..It just needs a hug.

Evidence

A: Food: Four identical 'Hershy' chocolate bars. All units share the exact same timestamp and minor wrapper defect, suggesting a temporal duplication rather than standard stock.

B: Paper: One handwritten sign on notebook paper. Text reads: OUT OF ORDER. DOES NOT ACCEPT COINS. DOES NOT ACCEPT BILLS. DOES NOT ACCEPT CARDS. DOES NOT ACCEPT CRITICISM.

C: Audio: Audio recording (File 2006-022-AUDIO). Contains 3 minutes of the 'judgmental' hum recorded prior to deactivation.

Bureau Record

Current Status: Deactivated. The object remains on-site at the abandoned arcade, unplugged and marked as a 'low priority non-anomalous mechanical fault' per Foundation agreement to reduce paperwork. Currently SF office breakroom vending machine,

Crimes: Interference with federal banking currency (ATM manipulation); unauthorized reality distortion without a permit.

Sentencing: Indefinite deactivation and storage.

History of UIU Action:
01/03/2006: UIU alerted to ATM malfunctions at the shopping center.

01/07/2006 15:30: Agents Fall and Tillman arrive on site; Foundation Dr. Pike asserts secondary jurisdiction.

01/07/2006 16:15: Object located in maintenance hallway. Minimal reality distortion confirmed.

01/07/2006 16:21: Agent Fall attempted to buy a drink; The anomaly reportedly just ate the coin..I WANT MY COIN BACK!

01/07/2006 16:22: Agent Fall successfully neutralized the anomaly by disconnecting the power source.

01/07/2006 17:00: Joint report filed. Case closed as a 'minor inconvenience.'

01/05/2018: Anomaly was moved to break room at the SF office.

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"UIU File: 2006-022" by Floofs, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/uiu-file-2006-022. Licensed under CC BY-SA.

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