UIU File: 1973-05

Electronic copy below as per Federal Records Act

UIU File 1973-05: Codename “Perfect Day”

Summary: A powdery substance that, when ingested or snorted, induces vivid hallucinations of an alternate reality lacking enforced normalcy.

Case File #	1973-05	Report Author	Agent Rory Cumhail	Date Filed	01/19/1973
Irregularity Cross‑reference	Paranarcotic, Addictive, Transdimensional Hotspots, Alternate Universe, Immigration, Wondertainment, Febris Pharmaceuticals, Emerald Cartel, Three Portlands.

Locale Summary (Pre-Event): A storage unit at Raven Self-Storage Facilities in Northampton, Massachusetts. Rented by persons Adam Babinsky, Brygida Dombroski, Greta Gaca, Florian Globensky, and Gerard Jackowski. Individuals were all close friends, who had emigrated from Poland in 1911, claiming to have been fleeing ”political persecution.” They purchased the unit together under a joint account on 11/16/1970. Each individual would later go missing throughout October of 1971, and with insufficient evidence, their cases would be closed.

Locale Summary (During Event): On 01/15/1972, the storage unit began to leak green and red fluids into the surrounding area. The owner of the facilities contacted 911, who, after assessing the problem as anomalous, turned the call over to UIU operators. Agents Jason Hart and Rory Cumhail were dispatched to the scene, who recommended the unit be transported to the Heinrich Achtenberg UIU Base in Boston.

Locale Summary (Post-Event): Once in Boston, the doors to the unit were pried open, and Hart and Cumhail carried out an investigation of the inside. The walls were coated in a congealed substance, 1973-05, resembling the liquids found pooled outside of the unit in Northampton. When inside the unit, agents began to experience vivid hallucinations, primarily visions of miniature dragons, sasquatches, and clowns. A large number of wooden cylindrical objects were found inside the unit, some of which had the same congealed substance smeared on the tips. Five bodies were arranged in the back of the unit, which the agents dragged out for further examination.

The decedents were naked, dehydrated, and had avian, insectile, and mammalian wings growing from their backs. The bodies were ID matched with the owners of the unit. Of note was the age of the corpses, which appeared to belong to young adults, when compared with the actual ages of the owners, the youngest of which, Florian Globensky, would have been 76.

Case File #	1973-05	Report Author	Agent Rory Cumhail	Date Filed	11/09/1973
Irregularity Cross‑reference	Paranarcotic, Addictive, Transdimensional Hotspots, Alternate Universe, Immigration, Wondertainment, Febris Pharmaceuticals, Emerald Cartel, Three Portlands.

Name: Felipe Delgado

Experience: “I woke up on metal. If I had to say, I was high up. I could feel a sharp wind cutting my face, and there was only the sky above me. I was out of my wits, but I felt a need to make sense of things. I concentrated and I managed to roll onto my side, to get a better look at things. That’s when I heard a clink. I had my arm again. No, not my arm, there was a prosthetic where it used to be. I was wondering if the same applied to my right leg. They must have super-charged the thing, because when I was flexing it, as soon as the bottom of my foot touched ground, the leg had reoriented itself, and I was standing upright."

"Now that I was up, I had the chance to examine my surroundings. Past the roof, I couldn’t see anything, not even clouds, just blue everywhere. Looked over the edge, blue still, all the way down. I was hit with the sensation that I was tipping over the edge, though I doubt my leg would have let me. So, in fear, I rushed back to the middle, and huddled there. But when I sat down, my, well, my butt didn't hit the floor. It hit something weird, some rounded surface protruding from the ground. I whirled around and there was a kind of metal orb, right under me, and it had a hole in the middle, something you might have stuck a cable into. I don’t suppose this was smart, but I tried to stick my metal bits into it."

"I was twisting my arm into the thing, when there was a sudden hum coming from it, well, I figured I must have had done something right, so I took a step back to let the sphere do its thing. The ground below me had lines that weren’t there before, glowing blue, all leading up to the orb. Then as fast as it had come, the humming had stopped , and the blue had gone away. I just stood there for a couple seconds, waiting to see what would happen, and the humming did come back, but louder than before. It was like I could feel it vibrating through me. My prosthetics felt like tuning forks. I looked around to find the source, and off into the distance, there was a little white dot. I waited for some time, the humming coming and going, until it was close enough to make out, it was a whale!"

"I stumbled backwards, not believing what I saw. I looked again, and not only was it real, it was getting closer. I crawled towards the ledge of the tower, I wanted to throw myself off, it seemed to be the only option, aside from being crushed by the whale. But I just couldn’t do it, I was a coward. I watched the whale getting closer and closer, until it seemed seconds away, but then it just stopped."

"I was still, even my heart was still, but then, I swear, it looked directly at me. I approached it, and it opened its mouth and its great pink tongue rolled out. I felt as if it wanted me to grab on to its tongue. When I did, it began to move its tongue slowly backwards. I held on for dear life, until I was safely tucked into its mouth."

"It was like a cavern in there, pink going everywhere. I was approached by these figures inside, I think they were… my children? They were so big, I didn’t recognize them at first. I pulled them in for a hug, weeping, but they were just confused. In my vision, we saw each other every day, they were just picking me up to go home… I believe Honduras was still my home. There would've been no reason to leave. As we embraced each other, the whale’s many other tongues came in, putting us to sleep, and I woke up back in your facility.”

Notes: In 1962, Delgado paid smugglers to take him from Honduras to the United States. Once here, he found a job in construction, hoping to raise enough money to pay for his children, a daughter and a son, to be smuggled to the U.S. On 09/23/1964, he admitted himself into medical care, citing extreme pain in the right side of his body. He had developed deadly infections in injuries from his childhood, reopened by recently contracted scurvy. After much deliberation, medical staff had to amputate his right limbs to prevent the infection from developing further. After his hospital stay, he was discovered to be an illegal immigrant, and was approached by the UIU. He is currently allowed to stay in the U.S., under the terms he is willing to be a test subject under the UIU, for minimal pay. His son and daughter remain in Honduras, and are both now adults.

Operational Proposal

Case File #	1973-05	Report Author	Deputy Director █████ Bowe	Date Filed	09/13/1975
Irregularity Cross‑reference	Paranarcotic, addictive, Transdimensional Hotspots, Alternate Universe, Immigration, Wondertainment, Febris Pharmaceuticals, Emerald Cartel, Three Portlands.

1. Background

I hope you’ll forgive the lack of formality present within this document, Director, but I found it entirely impossible to be impartial on this issue. It just spurs on my emotions.

In 1931, our precursors, the American Secure Containment Initiative, gone but not forgotten, began the Transdimensional Hotspots Program. Its function; to discover areas of high anomalous activity, and to then establish control over them. By the time of its dissolution in 1944, the Initiative had catalogued over 50 of these locations. And with the charge of protecting American citizens against the occult now falling upon the shoulders of the FBI, and its newly founded division, the UIU, so did the oversight of these Hotspots.

But the incumbent director, Matthew Dolby, not eager to see the mistakes the Initiative had made during the Seventh Occult War repeated, decided to take a hands-off approach to Hotspots. They were more or less allowed to govern themselves, provided they observed a vague sense of patriotism and did not break normalcy for the country at large.

And how has that been working out for us? Little Esterberg flies the Polish flag in place of the Stars and Stripes. Boozleton doesn’t worship Christ, they worship a god of jelly beans. Three Portlands has become a veritable Mecca for college-age radicals. Olive Hill has the highest juvenile mortality rate in the country, primarily because of a baby-eating witch that lives in their woods. Look what our bleeding hearts have given us, monsters, perverse to everything we hold dear. It’s high time to take the anomalous down a peg.

2. Operation

1973-05 is the lynchpin to this operation. It all at once provides us a mirror into a world where we fail, and gives us our method to succeed.

Its addictive and unusual properties have made it an interesting point among many of our allies. Febris and Sunny Care Pharmaceuticals are interested in using a form of the substance in future medications. Diluted so as to give the user the generic sensation of being “free”, rather than real visions. And our contacts in the underworld, be it from Spectre or the Emerald Cartel, believe those on the streets would be paying hand over fist for the real thing. Even Wondertainment is even taking a gander, something about their new line of magic confectionaries.

The fallout would be extraordinary. The whole anomalous world, be them rich or poor, would be hooked on our supply, and dangerous once we cut them off. They’d do anything to get it back, they’ll kill each other for it, for another good trip. They’ll probably find a way to reverse-engineer it given enough time, but the damage will be done. Those left in power in their communities will be scared.

The mayors and petty kings of these Hotspots will welcome us, so we can restore order. Our MOOTs will become their judges, and anyone we don’t want free, even if they were never on the substance in the first place, can be branded a criminal and stomped out. They will shove the keys to their kingdoms into our hands, sacrificing their autonomy for safety. Through chaos, the UIU will reestablish order.

What do you say, Director? Are you willing to do what it takes for America? What the UIU needs now is a great man, and I believe you are him. Don’t prove me wrong!

Verdict: Approved

[Agent Rory Cumhail, bound in rope, writhes on a dentist’s chair.]

Cumhail: I didn’t do it, sir. Someone must have framed me, believe me. It was someone else. I’ve only been loyal to the cause, sir… Sir?

Bowe: Rory, son, let me be perfectly clear. No matter what you say tonight, I am intent on killing you. There’s nothing you can do to make this situation any better or worse for yourself. Why not be honest?

Cumhail: [Hyperventilating.] Oh, god. Oh my god.

Bowe: Can you do that for me… friend?

[Cumhail tries briefly, in vain, to break free of his rope bindings. He sighs, and then nods.]

Bowe: Your partner, a Mr. Jason Hart, reported to your supervisor, a Ms. Daisy Stevens, that from 1975 to just about today, you have been leaking sensitive information related to the ongoings of Velvet Underground to the terrorist organization known as “The Serpent’s Hand”. Is this correct?

Cumhail: …yes.

Bowe: And why did you go and do something like that, son?

Cumhail: Are you… are you serious? Come on, have you read your own reports, we’re like comic book supervillains! I’ll say, the shit you write is some of the most pathetic lies I have ever had the misfortune of clapping eyes upon. They’re not serious, they’re the ramblings of a madman.

Bowe: Well, my friend, this is a country made by madmen for madmen. Do you think the Director wants sane; do you think he wants what's safe? No. He signs off on what makes him feel strong, what stirs the patriotism within him, what justifies his power. Immediate action is more enticing than moderation, and the Bowe family delivers. He doesn’t even need to hear my first name, the brand is enough.

Bowe: If you want my two cents, I don’t think he believes in anything I write either.

Cumhail: Then why would he sign his name under it?

Bowe: Paramax.

Cumhail: Excuse me?

Bowe: Everyone believes that the UIU built Paramax, but that’s not the truth, the UIU was built for Paramax. A black-box penitentiary located in another dimension, built to contain the biggest threat to this country since the British; magic. But it’s not just for containing, it’s for building. Building America.

Cumhail: If you're going to kill me, don't take time to proselytize before.

Bowe: You're not getting it. Do you think a nation this large could support itself solely on its free population? Without Paramax, our experts estimate the strain of our own economy would’ve destroyed us by 1959. In Paramax, there lies an unwilling workforce of thousands of criminals. With their anomalous physiologies, they far exceed the capabilities of any baseline humans we have in our employ. When a coastline city is ravaged by a Kaiju, the metallurgists among them can rebuild it in a day. When dissent among citizens becomes pronounced enough that revolution becomes a concern, our telepaths are there to correct them. Want to know why Johnson, Nixon, or Ford haven’t gone the way of the Kennedy? Because we have a team of tychokinetic inmates slaving around the clock to make sure they don’t. A sizable chunk of our country’s exports are produced by super-speedsters we have locked up, working day in and day out, (not that they have days in Paramax). We found them quite literally running drugs across the border.

Cumhail: I don’t get what this has to do with Velvet Underground.

Bowe: Just think about it.

Cumhail: With the pixie dust… you can make everyone anomalous a criminal. You can lock every last one of them into Paramax.

Bowe: Good to know radicalism hasn’t dulled your intuition. Well, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’m going to let you ask me some questions.

Cumhail: You’ll tell the truth?

Bowe: Not them whole truth, most likely, but I won’t lie.

Cumhail: Did The Serpent ever come to you?

Bowe: No, but I had the pleasure of killing those for whom it did. From what I heard, she seemed like an interesting reptile. Humanity's redemption in the eyes of the anomalous; quaint notion. I even used her “humanity reaps what it sows” line in my testimony. Did you notice that?

Cumhail: She’ll win, you know. Good succeeds in every story, she told me our hope makes it true.

Bowe: Hope is a commodity, not a truth, my friend. I should know, we sell it country-wide. Next question, please?

Cumhail: Are you even a Bowe?

Bowe: Maybe not by blood, no. But in spirit, I believe I am more than worthy of the title. Next!

Cumhail: What did you actually see, when you took “Perfect Day”?

Bowe: Nothing, darkness, can you believe it? That world had no need for someone like me. Do you know how it hurts to be rejected like that?

[Cumhail remains silent.]

Bowe: Anything more you’d like to ask?

Cumhail: No… I believe that’s it.

Bowe: Well, then.

[Bowe claps his hands twice. the door to the dungeon opens, and a stout man in scrubs enters. He brandishes a syringe filled with liquefied 1973-05. Bowe takes out a leaflet from his coat pocket.]

Bowe: This gentleman here is “Mister Doctor”. We got him as a gift during our dealings with Wondertainment. Part of a whole line of “Little Misters”. [He clears his throat.] “Can your child not shut up about heart transplants, colonoscopies, and the like? Do they attempt impromptu surgery on you while you’re asleep? We here at Wondertainment recognize your struggle, and have devised a solution we feel is perfect for you. Introducing Mister Doctor, your child’s soon-to-be best medical pal! He comes with an actual P.H.D., (we don’t even know how he got it), and the Hippocrazy oath, to do nothing boring! Wonder awaits! Order today!” [He puts the leaflet back in the pocket.] They don’t actually list a phone number, or any other Little Misters, we figure he must have been a prototype. But what a fine anomaly he is!

[Mister Doctor approaches the chair and then grabs on of Cumhail’s arms.]

Cumhail: Listen, you don’t have to do this, I'm on your side… is he making you do this?

[Mister Doctor pauses in contemplation for a moment.]

Mister Doctor: You’re my bestest buddy!

[He stabs into a vein with the syringe, much more of 1973-05 than a human body can handle. Cumhail seizes up and screams, but then falls limp.]

Cumhail: It's beautiful in the other world, Bowe. You should join us someday.

Bowe: I'll have to decline, son.

[He makes a final spasm and then expires. Bowe approaches the corpse, before Cumhail’s heart bursts out of his chest. It has four wings, all made out of wood. Bowe grimaces as the heart flies towards him. It stops before his face, fluttering. Bowe takes his pistol out of its holster and shoots the heart. It falls to the ground.]

‡ Licensing / Citation