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Those Twisted Pines



A nobody stood under an awning in a largely deserted street in Portland. Occasionally a car would pass. The headlights illuminated the puddles that had collected from the ongoing rain. She pulled her heavy jacket close, and took a drag on a cigarette before looking over a few collected notes.

While Sloth's Pit is one of the more animated Nexuses in the United States, greatly distorting the Anomaly Occurrence Value of the entire Midwest, Wisconsin is only the second-most anomalous state. Thanks to the existence of Roadkill County in Oregon, the Pacific Northwest is, from a purely quantitative standpoint, the most anomalous area of the United States.

Dr. Philip Verhoten
The Crossroads: A Study of Urban Anomalous Nexuses in the United States.

Good morning, everyone.

We have a lot of ground to cover today with all the orientations so I'm going to keep this brief. I'm Director Edgar Holman. Welcome to Site-64.

For those of you who are just starting out with the Foundation, glad we could be your first. Site-64 is large enough that things don't stay stagnant here, while small enough we avoid the logistical and staffing problems of the larger sites, like 19. It's a good place to get your feet wet. A lot of you will be working with contacts within the FBI's Unusual Incident's Unit. Some of you will be interacting with members of the local anart crowd. Others of you will be chasing robots.

Notice I said interacting with, and not 'containing.' That's because the Veil Protocol is enacted a little differently here. Three Portlands is, in a loose sense of the term, a massive containment cell. We keep the whole place quiet, sure, but we aren't about to storm the city. We'd only be making our job harder than it needs to be.

And let's be honest, this job doesn't need to be any harder. We still see our fair share of ghosts, goblins, monsters, and whatever else it is that goes bump in the night. But hey, at least we aren't under a goddamn lake.

Anyway, we're about to do our first set of breakout sessions. Welcome aboard, everyone. Godspeed.

Director Edgar Holman
Site-64 New Employee Orientation, May 2nd, 2012

Some of you have been with the Unit for a while. You've all seen some pretty weird shit, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Maybe you've done a stint in the Backdoor and think you've got a handle on this kind of thing. Well, you've never seen anything like Three Ports. I can guarantee it.

This city is fucking weird.

The City of Three Portlands is the largest paranormal enclave in the United States — or within our jurisdiction, at least. I'm still not super clear on the semantics of this multiverse stuff. But what that means is that you're going to see things you've never seen before — things you never thought possible before. Anartists and wizards are just the tip of the iceberg. We've got cyborgs, talking dogs, demigods, ghosts, psychics, shapeshifters, faeries, and gods know what else in this town. Most of them are human, or humanish. Some of them aren't. So try to keep an open mind. We're the outsiders here.

Three Portlands is also autonomous. Independent. A self-sufficient city-state with its own city council and mayor — although nobody's ever seen the latter. We're not on US soil here. Our authority and jurisdiction only come from the Hoover Mandate — that is, because we say so. That said, we don't have the manpower or the firepower to fight the entire city, and we aren't gonna be winning any popularity contests here, so play nice — city police handle most local crime, and you should always try to deescalate back to them if you can. They've got riot golems, after all.

Our job is to keep a lid on all this weirdness. Keep it contained, if you want to use the skippers' term. There's no Doorman here, and there are more Ways in and out than you can count. Trust me, I've tried. This place is a haven for paracrime — smuggling and trafficking are near the top of the list, but I've seen everything from conceptual arson to temporal trading fraud. Like I said, this city is weird. Don't be surprised if some goon running demonarcotics for the Lighthouse Mafia pulls a Soviet plasma projector on you, because that'll get you killed. Surprise is a luxury we can't afford.

The good news is that we've got some weirdness of our own. Most of our irregular agents are assigned here; odds are good you'll be partnered with at least one of them — listen to them, they know this world better than you. If you need to call in the big guns, the amount of Ways mean that MOOT can be here in minutes. And if things go really wrong, the Foundation's always looking for an excuse to get involved. Try not to give them that excuse if you can avoid it, skippers always manage to fuck things up for us.

When in doubt, act like a Boy Scout: helpful, courteous, and prepared for the end of the world.

Special Agent Kenneth Spencer
Orientation for Incoming Agents of the UIU's Three Portlands Field Office, 2016

Do you dream of experiencing what Three Portlands has to offer? Are you just too milquetoast to grab destiny by the horns and force adventure into existence? Try these all-new tourism opportunities!

The Arts:
Come on down to Stein Plaza SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY to see renowned sculptor Auguste Menard battle her inner demons in a no-holds-barred cagematch! She has no combat experience whatsoever. Wrestling fanatics with paramedic training are encouraged to attend.

Luxury Goods and Services:
Have you ever had a great idea for a story, product, or genetically modified animal that you just didn't know how to bring into the world? Brainstorm no longer with Oneiroi Incorporated's patented Retrideal Therapy! Experience a relaxing neural surgery as our technicians excise that pesky thought from your grey matter with cutting-edge Invasive+ Technology™. Save up to 10% or more by pairing the procedure with a cleansing lobe polish!

Behind the Portlands:
Discover the reality behind the legend on a guided tour through the pocket universe in which Jimmy Hoffa's body is suspended in an aqueous solution. Rest assured, the natural aphrodisiac properties of Jimmy-Gel are not exaggerated. Just don't hoff your free sample until you get home.

Yasmine Rahman
Three Portlands Tourism Pamphlet, Summer 2018

Honestly? Moving our HQ and main production facility to Three Portlands was the best decision Vincent ever made.

Three Ports gave us the freedom to work unhindered, minus what the city felt it was due. We were able to tap into a talented base of former Prometheus Labs employees, thaumatologists, and Maxwellists. All of that, and we were still only a few Ways away from Oregon, the UK, Maine, and contacts in the Library. Anderson Robotics would have failed a lot sooner anywhere else.

Perhaps that's why it was so shocking when it all came crashing down. We were set. We had it all. We were unstoppable.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss those days.

Isaac Dillard,
Money, Magic, and Machines

To Twenty-One Hundred Eyes Uplifted Under Scorching Skies,

It's not surprising you'd ask about expanding your influence into Three Portlands. The Three City is a well-known hotbed for people like us, and every young goddx like yourself wants a slice of the hot young hipster demographic to be the face of their following. My pacts with various other cosmological heresiarchs dictate that I save the juiciest marketing strategies for deities omnipotent enough to conjure me more than a single tonne of gold a month; nonetheless, I do still have advice (almost certainly not befitting for somegod of your stature).

I would advise you branch out to some of the more libertine groups within the city. I'm aware that the Madmen have a certain degree of influence there, and their more anarchist tendencies certainly align with many of the tenets of your belief-body. Certainly, any number of wandering artists might be inspired to take you on as a muse, though do ask for a background check before you shake any hands. Portlands has a history of harbouring the kinds of artists who turn their rivals into Impressionist works.

But it doesn't take me to forecast your specific powers might be more applicable in service to Oneiroi Incorporated, the architects behind most of the memory palaces in the Prime Plane. Their memetic engineering, your slightly distressing habit of telepathically inflicting sand-based erotic fantasies on innocent bysleepers; a recipe for a collaboration with a juicy cut in it for both you and your faithful advisor.

Afraid you're not paying me enough to say more, so that's all the advice I'll give you this equinox — though feel free to drop me another tonne of precious metal if you're in a real pickle that happens to fall within my hours of operation.

Yours in nocturnal apotheosis,
Saturn Deer & Fellow Degenerates Financial

Three Portlands?

Yeah I knows the place. We had one of our biggest joints down there this side o' the Mississippi. Don't matter how much magic you got in ya, there's some things only booze can take care of - and booze is something the Spirit had plenty of. We had all sorts tryna come in and get a piece of that rum cake, you know what I'm saying. Snakes, leadheads, all those magic bimbos. Actin' real tough, tryna threaten us and run us out of town with their fancy tricks and lightshows.

I tell you though, magic don't mean squat when you're staring down the barrel of a Thompson.

Roland MacDell
Former Chicago Spirit, Foundation Deliberations, September 26th, 1972

Sure, we've always had the place in Kenosha, but that's more of a place to get your head together. Three Portlands is a little different. It's like a safe haven, untouched by Janitors and those weird Tank-Fuckers. I mean, G-d knows they're here, but it's muted. You feel like you can be who you wanna be here. G-d, that's corny, isn't it? But trust me, I got about six ex-girlfriends here, and about a half of them are Gamers Against Weed. It's a safe place for us, all things aside.

But I mean, you'd think this Twin Peaks bullshit would be beyond me, but I was born around here. And I can't stay away for long. It doesn't get greener than this anywhere else in the world, if you ask me. There's something primal here, and that's why it's so special. I kinda sound like this Wiccan I used to date. She still lives around here. But trust me, you'll be okay.

Esther Kogan
“lesbian_gengar”, co-founder of GAW


Boring, Oregon is home to some of the craziest, most wonderful animals this side of the Pacific and Atlantic Ocean, and for lively wildlife we require lively wildlife specialists! come see the newest, spangliest shiniest new institution of pest control and injured animal rehabilitation!
Dinner and dessert will be provided — — including vegetrian, vegan, and gluten free options of pasta, salads, and burgers. Feel free to bring any food you so wish to, potluck community all-you-can-eat style! Get to know the people who will be keeping our streets clean and our forests lush!

Our brande new building is way past the Not So Boring Bar & Grill on SE Wally Rd., on the right. Big and green, can't miss it!


Tim Wilson
Invitation to Wilson's Wildlife Solutions Opening Party, November 29th, 1997

She gingerly placed the notes back in her pocket and flicked the cigarette butt into the night. Letting out a final plume of smoke, she turned and walked towards a wooden door in the brick wall behind her.

"Strange things are done in the Northwest Rains," she whispered.

The lock clicked open and soon she had vanished beyond the threshold, closing the door behind her.

As another car passed by, the door slowly faded and then disappeared.


The following are presented in roughly chronological order. Articles in Bold are part of the Anderson Robotics tale arc. Articles with an Underline are part of the Sasha Merlo tale arc. Articles in Italics are part of the Beatrice Ross tale arc.


Strange things are done in the Pacific Northwest, and the fine folks at Site-64 are there to keep them contained. Nestled between the doorstep of a massive extradimensional city-state, a large anomalous art community, the world headquarters of Anderson Robotics, and the natural habitat of a bizarre array of wildlife, the SCP Foundation certainly needs all hands on deck in this region.

Set among this colorful backdrop "Those Twisted Pines" is a diverse canon exploring a variety of themes. So far this has included:

  • What conflict exists between an MTF agent's duty/ambition, and their family?
  • Why does the Foundation intentionally create anomalies on occasion?
  • To what lengths will the Foundation go to accommodate the families of employees?
  • Is it acceptable to allow smaller anomalies to remain uncontained if it means more effective maintenance of the Veil?
  • When is the Foundation willing to allow a Group of Interest to remain in control of an anomaly?
  • To what degree do sapient anomalies struggle for individualism and self-affirmation?

Site-64 and Three Portlands are always changing, however, and there is plenty of room for you to leave your mark on the Pacific Northwest.

Contributor Guide:

The Pacific Northwest is a geographic region consisting of the province of British Columbia and the states of Washington, Oregon, and Idaho. With the exception of a few articles and tales that overlap with The Gulf canon, or take place at Site-19, most pieces in "Those Twisted Pines" take place in this region, specifically at Site-64 or within Three Portlands. A more detailed look into both of these locations can be found in their respective hubs:

Within "Those Twisted Pines" the SCP Foundation and its operatives are often pragmatic in their approach to containment. Anartists and Thaumatologists are on the payroll to help make containment of these phenomena easier. Foundation operatives have an option to bring their families onto their side of the veil through the "Family Disclosure Protocol." Staff dormitories are available in Site-64, but the staff is also allowed to live in the nearby Portland Metro Area. While the Foundation is still quite a cold place to work, in this canon they have taken just a tinier step further away from cruel.

Numerous GoIs are major players in "Those Twisted Pines" as well:

  • The Unusual Incidents Unit is a major law enforcement agency in Three Portlands. The SCP Foundation often work in conjunction with, or through them, in their operations in Three Portlands.
  • The Chaos Insurgency, Prometheus Labs, Chicago Spirit, AWCY? and Maxwellist Church all operate or have operated to various degrees within the Three Portlands and the surrounding regions.
  • Through a special set of accords with the SCP Foundation, Wilson's Wildlife Solutions often handle anomalous wildlife in the region.
  • Anderson Robotics used the Pacific Northwest as the base for building its paratech empire.

There is plenty of room left for these factions to clash or collaborate with one another. They just need you to write the articles and tales.

Additional Reading:

The following have been major influences on numerous factors within "Those Twisted Pines" and as such overlap with this canon in many places. It is encouraged, but not mandatory, that those wishing to contribute to the canon be somewhat familiar with them:

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