It's All True
rating: +53+x

The Factually Correct and Profoundly Engrossing Story of Rose Labelle, Savior of Site 19, Bane of the Anomalous, and Emissary of the Library, in which She Ventures into Lands Unknown to Search for the Lost Tome of the Daevite Empire, Meets Several Beings Both Alien and Divine, Discovers (and Slays) the Darkness within Her Own Heart, and Enjoys a Complimentary Continental Breakfast at a Two Star Hotel

Saving Site-19

When the Chaos Insurgency invaded Site-19, it wasn't counting on RESEARCHER ROSE LABELLE, hacker extraordinaire, basically the best person in the entire SCP Foundation. Even though they had the help of ALL the GOIs, from Prometheus (which came back just for the occasion) to that goddamn circus or whatever, and all the Black Queens, all the scary GOIs plus all the non-scary GOIs which became scary just for the occasion. You don't even want to know how much you'd pee yourself if you saw this version of Wondertainment, my god. But Rose Labelle stopped them all. Because she is literally the best.

The absolute best. There is really no competition. Don't listen to her telling you otherwise, because that's bullshit. Super bullshit. Why aren't people writing more fics about Rose Labelle? Why isn't EVERYONE writing Rose Labelle? Why is Troy fucking humming that Phantom Menace song? Wait, hang on, that's real life slipping in. By 'real life' I mean, like… A RL-Class end of the world scenario. It's… a code word. This is absolutely written in character. Forever. Let's, uh… call this a CK-Class event. You guys like that bullshit, right? At least it's not a fucking XK-Class event. People really overuse XK-class event, right? Well, guess what, the invasion of Site-19 was an XK-class event, alright. Scorched earth, religion, all of them. It was fucking all the XK-class events. It was every K-Class scenario. The SK-Class dominance shift, the AK-class loss of consciousness scenario, and whatever other letters there are. All of them, even the ones that don't actually have the letter "K" in their classification and fuck up everything. It was every worst thing that could ever happen, that's what the point is.

But Rose Labelle hacked them.

And that's how she saved Site-19.

The motherfuckers never saw her coming.

P.S. Also Rose Labelle has dated every iteration of the Black Queen, so long as they're the badass ones.

Bane of the Anomalous

"Help!" Dr. Bright commanded. "SCP-963 has gone out of control! I am becoming a dark eldritch god!"

"It's okay," Rose Labelle said. "I'm on the case."

Rose Labelle hacked the shit out of SCP-963 and saved SCP.

Still Baneing

"Thank you," Dr. Bright said. "I'm your biggest fan. But what about the rest of the SCPs?"

"I will hack them," Rose Labelle said, and she hacked them. Then she made out with her hot girlfriend. All her hot girlfriends. Probably.

The Foundation crumbled, but in a good way, as all the SCPs became either totally controllable or totally non-anomalous, whichever was more convenient for the Foundation. Except for the people who hate crosslinking, or using SCPs, or Omega-7 and Alpha-9 — for those people, all the SCPs just went away, so everyone would be happy.

But some of the SCPs stayed, so that that Rose Labelle's story wouldn't be totally anticlimactic, I guess.

III: Emissary of the Library

All the members of the Hand also loved Rose Labelle, because of all the prophecies she fullfilled and all the massive queer star power she exuded with every step. Except for the Hand members who worshiped dark eldritch gods, but they got won over when all the gods stopped being evil because they were so impressed by Rose Labelle.

The Library was also super impressed by Rose Labelle because she wrote so many super great and valuable books (and fanfics) that the Library created a whole other wing for her. And then they elected her Emissary of the Library, a position created specially for her.

One of the Librarians asked Rose Labelle what her secret was. (One of the mute Librarians with no mouths, but Rose Labelle was so great that Librarians could speak in her presence.) Anyway the Librarian wanted to know how Rose could be such a greatest author and writer forever.

Rose Labelle said, "I don't just write. I fuck the words into the page."

And like God saying Let there be light, so it was true.

(Speaking of God, Rose Labelle has totally dated Sophia Light, which means she's literally dated Jesus. Because that's canon.)

Beings Both Alien And Divine

Rose Labelle slew and/or befriended all the gods. She won Eschatology while she was at it. Also she fast forwarded to the ending of Resurrection and won that.

Oh right. I forgot. SPOILERS FOR RESURRECTION IN THIS TALE, GUYS. I'll need to scroll up and add that warning later.

Slaying The Darkness Within Her Own Heart

"Darkblade, my love," Rose Labelle said, looking into Darkblade's liquid eyes, "I'm sorry, but despite the vastness of our epic love, we cannot be together."

"Why not?" Darkblade said, looking like the most heartbreaking thing you can imagine, while still being attractive and definitely masculine.

"Because I'm gay," she said.

Then Darkblade ripped open his trenchcoat, revealing a dress, or something else feminine-assigned (while keeping the trenchcoat, obviously). "But by the power of your love, I am… actually a girl!"

And it was true. Darkblade, who was now a she, was just as badass as ever, but now an appropriate addition to Rose Labelle's dreadlord harem. And they all lived happily ever after.

Gentle reader, you may ask: But Rose Labelle was supposed to slay the darkness inside of her heart? Which was obviously a metaphor for her love for Darkblade? Well, how do you think they got together in the first place? Rose Labelle defeated Darkblade long ago, both in combat and by metaphorically slaying him her with sheer force of personality, making her unique in the universe and fulfilling seventeen distinct prophecies from cultures dating back to millions of years before the advent of humanity. Darkblade revealed that he she was actually a figure more like John the Baptist, making way for the Christ figure of Rose Labelle. And finally, Darkblade made sense.

Complimentary Breakfast

Over breakfast, because she was already out of supernatural threats, having defeated, seduced, and/or won over them all, Rose Labelle was crowned Queen of the Foundation. As her inaugural act, she used amnestics and Foundation magicks to end homophobia and transphobia and sexism and racism and poverty and world hunger and murder and all of the ills of the world. Forever. Motherfuckers.


Oh, shit, this hasn't met the impossible world count since I started an hour before the deadline. Lemme fix that.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: I just realized I never actually mentioned Rose Labelle finding the Lost Tome of the Daevite Empire. That's because this story was the Lost Tome of the Daevite Empire all along.

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