The SPC go to IKEA to Punch Sharks
rating: +41+x


About 40 kilometers from an IKEA, two selachian pugilists hide in a bush. One is looking at the IKEA using binoculars, the other looks like xey is willing to do anything but go there. On the dirt is a printed picture of a website advertising a sale for a selachian plushie.

"They sell selachians there, Al."

"Still no."

"We can use them as training equipment."

"I just went to IKEA. They don't have sharks on sale. Besides, are our laser robot sharks not enough for training?"

"That's because the sale literally popped up last minute on their website. The robot selachians also have a bad habit of mauling the fists of our trainees."

"It's how they learn, Karina.", Altair remarks. "We need them to develop better pugilist techniques and I don't think a soft plush toy will help them out here."

"Shut up and just let me observe the people."

As Karina zooms in on the entrance of the IKEA, she sees a bunch of people going out of it with carts full of the advertised selachian plushie. Remembering her selachiohazard training, she turns on her Selachian Pugilist's Censorship Engine Goggles1. Immediately the various selachian plushies are censored into a dark blue blur, protecting Karina from the influence of the Selachians.

"We have to investigate this IKEA, Al. They are definitely up to something."

"God, I don't know why they let the new pugilists choose their missions nowadays." Altair sighs. "When I was a new recruit I got assigned to take down 20 selachians in the mesopelagic zone."

"Hey, I'm not new! This is just my first mission on the field. C'mon, start walking — we might miss out on the sale!", Karina shouts as she runs towards the IKEA.

"Hey, I have an idea. Why don't I go in first, get the plushie for you, and then we get out of this blasted place?" Altair pants as xey try not to collapse on the parking lot."

"As your junior I am responsible for any injuries you might sustain from going inside this dangerous place. I shall be the fir—"

"Fine, fine. You go ahead, I'll just take a bathroom break."

As the cool air of the IKEA hit her face, she can't help but feel a tad bit out of place. Maybe it was the fact that Karina is wearing full Pugilist gear with an ASM-DT amphibious rifle, combat swimming boots, and anti-Selachian spray on her hips with her Selachian Pugilist's Censorship Engine Goggles firmly fitted on her face. Or maybe it was the fact that Altair comes back drinking a Definitely Not Starbucks triple latte with caramel on top while wearing some flip-flops, beach shorts, and a very thin T-shirt that was obviously taken from the bottom of the drawer. Whatever it was, Karina just stuffed it in and remembers her mission: get the hazard, buy the hazard, and figure out how it makes people predisposed to Selachian ideas.

"Um, excuse me sir. Where are the selachian deviants that you are keeping here."

The IKEA clerk blankly stares at the two people currently in front of him. It was almost lunchtime, he was getting hungrier due to the smell of IKEA meatballs wafting across the food court to the concierge, and he just wants to sleep right now without being accosted by the normal person and xyr partner that is currently roleplaying as a soldier that was just wandering around the IKEA looking like lost children.

"Uh, what she meant is that where are the shark plushies."

"Ah. They're in the toy aisle."

"Thank you."

Altair and Karina quickly walk away, Altair heavily blushing while walking quickly. Xey wanted to just sit around and sleep all day, but xey got assigned to the clerk that always stood around passing messages to the Centre from unsuspecting civillians. Maybe it was punishment for sleeping around the job, maybe it was another prank played by the motherfucking bitch Samson who can't even punch a shark even with all the augments and implants given to them but is somehow in a higher rank than xem, but now xey are stuck at an IKEA hauling around this newbie in full gear embarassing xem.

"Al? Al!" Karina shouts. "We're here, Al!"

Altair stops in xyr tracks. Finally, they have reached the area where the selachian menace are situated. Rows upon rows of selachian propaganda currently in front of them, taunting them with their numbers, cheap prices, and blank stares. Karina immediately turns on her Selachian Pugilist's Censorship Engine Goggles, while Altair continues to sip xyr drink.

"So… what now."

"Well", Karina said, with a huge grin on her face, "we take all the objects here and burn them in front of the IKEA to demonstrate to the selachians living here that we should not be messed with."

"No to that idea. One, we will get arrested by the police for arson, and two, we did not bring any lighters with us."

"I did bring a lighter!" Karina exclaims, however, after 10 minutes of searching her pockets, she did not find any lighter.

"Fine, we go to my Plan B instead — get one object and analyze it for any Deviant behavior"

"Sounds more of my plan. So, pick out the plushie you like".

Altair watches as Karina wanders around, stops in front of a blue pillar, and tries to pull it out.

"Wow, this selachiohazard sure is heavy, isn't it?"

"Right, your goggles. Let me pick up one instead, then."

Altair picks up a BLAHAJ2 with a novelty red bow on it.

"Oh hey, this one has a bow. How cute."

Karina turns around and looks at xem, horrified.

"Y-you are being affected by the selachiohazard! Don't worry, I shall save you!"

Karina brings out her Anti-Selchiohazard Gun and aims at Altair. Well, the blurry pixels that she thinks is Altair anyway. She shoots the tranquilizer and it hits something.

"Woo! I saved someone!"

"Oh come on, that was a perfectly good BLAHAJ. It even had a bowtie." Altair sighs. "Guess I'll have to find another one. Wait and guard this area for me please."

Karina throws out a salute. "Yes leader!"

Altair returns with two BLAHAJ, one with a red bow on its head, and one with a black bowtie around its neck, along with some other supplies.

"Alright, I'm done— what the fuck are you doing."

Karina is crouching on the floor, talking to a child while the mother is bothered by why this US Army soldier is talking to her child about "Selachian pugilism" and "Selachian propaganda" while showing child-friendly images of what looks like divers punching sharks. However, the child seems to really enjoy the suprisingly well-done animations, so now she's just waiting for the soldier to stop so she can go and do what mothers do.

"Karina. I'm done shopping. Let's go."

"Have you found the selachio—"

"Yes, yes, now lets go."

Altair grabs Karina's arms and despite having no implants, was able to drag her out of the BLAHAJ aisle.

"One final note kid, remember to pugilize any selachian you might see!" Karina yells at the kid.

"Okay miss!" the kid yells and waves back as they hold a small BLAHAJ in their arms.

If one were to visit a certain IKEA right now, they might be surprised at the scene that presents themselves when they enter it. A person who is currently wearing something that signals to the world that xey have little fucks to give about looking presentable dragging what looks like a US Army soldier by the arm.

Altair stops at the cashier while dragging Karina. When xey first entered the IKEA, xey were worried about how xey would look in front of a crowd, but now, all xey want to do right now is get back to the Centre, maybe chew out Samson for assigning xem to her, and sleep for 24 hours.

"Two 100 centimetre BLAHAJ, a MJOLKKLOCKA, a BRATTBY, a FORSEGLA, a SVAMPIG, and twenty SKARIG, right?" the clerk asked.


"Oh, huh, I forgot about this box under the cart that contains 30 more BLAHAJ."

"Wait what."

Altair turns to Karina, beaming with joy.

"Don't worry, I got almost all the selachiohazards I can get with my arms so we can analyze them further and use them for training." Karina whispers.

"Ugh fine." Altair turns back to the clerk. "Yes, we are ordering 32 BLAHAJ."

The clerk starts scanning and calculating the prices of each product. "So that should total around… 909.45 dollars."

"Thank god I brought 1000 dollars."

However, before Altair could give the perfectly good 1000 dollars to the clerk who clearly wanted to go to lunch now, Karina swoops in and hands over a credit card with a lot of noticeable swipes on the magnetic strip to the clerk.

"N-no, it's fine, it's fine. Let me pay for it." Altair stammers.

"As your junior, it is my duty to shoulder any costs that might occur in combat areas, so let me pay for this. It's fine, I have enough credit."

The clerk takes her card and swipes once. The machine beeps in disapproval to her statement.

"Ma'am, your credit is over the limit."

"C-can you try again? Maybe it just didn't pass through?"

After 3 tries, the clerk turns and glares at Karina.

"Ma'am please pay in cash or give me another credit card."

"Sure!" Karina exclaims as she pulls out another credit card. This, too, did not work.

"Ma'am, this card is blocked by the bank. Another card please."

"Um, don't worry, I have another one!" Karina says as she pulls out another one and hands it over. The machine beeps in seeming anger

"This isn't a credit card ma'am. This is your ID."

"Oh… uhhh… have another one?"

Altair watched as Karina pulls out a seemingly endless amount of credit cards from her pockets, clerk swiping through them, machine beeping in seething rage, all rejected.

30 minutes past lunchtime, with the last credit card being accepted by the machine and the clerk clearly irritated and seething behind the counter, said "Thank you for shopping."

After packing up the 30 BLAHAJ and placing them at the back of the car along with the other supplies, Altair places the two special BLAHAJ on the front seat.

"Hey, I thought I'm the one seating on the front seat?" Karina pouts.

"Sorry, gotta keep an eye on the selachians." Altair grins and winks.

"Fiiiine. But next time you go to IKEA I'm seating in the front seat, selachian or no."

The road home was quiet.

"Al…" Karina mumbled, as they approach the Centre.


"Did I do good today? Was the mission successful?"

"Well, you barged into enemy territory with full gear, protected me from selachiohazards, and managed to carry out proof of their nefarious deeds without flinching a bit."


"Yeah, you did good. I will be sure to give a favorable review for you."

Karina smiles. "T-thank you, Al."

"Can I have one of the plushies?"


Tonight, two BLAHAJs are hugged. One, with a cute little red bow by the head, is hugged by xem, and one with a cute little black bow around its neck, is hugged by her, satisfied at her first mission outside the Centre.

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