My own author-insert!
rating: +33+x

This is an essay on how to establish your own author insert on the site. A special thanks to VSauce for voicing this episode.

Hello, my dear skippers. Please, have a seat.

Did you catch it? Your lesson has already begun.

You see, I am not Calibri BoldCalibri Bold, as some of you may believe. I am actually Dr. Calvin Bold, the author insert of Calibri Bold. It's a little technique I like to call "movie magic".

Let's talk about deserts. Or rather, dunes. J Dune, to be precise. Or his beautiful insert, Doctor Dune? Have I ever talked about how handsome he is? But that's a conversation for another time.

You see, some of you may consider yourselves to be experts on author inserts. Bright, Clef, Kondraki, all those folks. But they're not cool, not as cool as someone like Gekkoguy. But what does it mean to be an author insert?

Well, an author insert is you. It's what you are in the world of SCP. But unlike you, because you suck, your author avatar is cool and can be whatever you want it to be, and by extension, makes you cooler. For instance, your author insert could be a slim, fashionable, talented super-spy, who recently engaged in sexual intercourse with your bully's mother, while you are a 14-year-old hoping that nobody on a creative writing website finds out you're too young to be here. But in the realm of fiction, you become the sexy super-spy.

But that's silly, right? I mean, it's not like writing a character named after you actually makes you cooler.

Or does it?

Let's go back to Dune. Studies have shown that J Dune, a brilliant author and a fine contest judge, is well known for his incredible handsomeness and brilliant intellect. But what if I told you that this is only the beginning? That by making himself an author insert, J Dune has in fact become cooler?

That would be silly, of course. J Dune can't be improved upon. He's like Gekkoguy (absolute genius, by the way), or Varaxous (handsome devil, I should mention, and a terrific artist). There's just no way to improve on perfection.

But can we even reach perfection?

No, of course not. We're not inordinately talented and tasteful contest judges. But within the realm of author inserts, we can always create our perfect selves. For instance, I, Dr. Calvin Bold, am actually immortal and have SCP-682's powers. Why is this the case? Because it's been established in canon. This canon, in fact. The one you're reading. Now it's true, and of course, I'm so much cooler for it. I am an incredibly sexy and handsome individual (thought not as sexy or handsome as our dear contest runners), so much so that I was once hired to play Calibri Bold, an individual well-known for being sexy and handsome. Now, with this power, my beauty only grows, as does my power. Already I've made myself unkillable with a popular SCP's superpowers.

You see, I can control the universe from here. Though I'll never be as sexy as someone like Varaxous, I can still pull the strings. And now I'll pull the strings for you as well.

Any statement made regarding your own author insert in this page's discussion is now canon.

Thank you for coming.

Class dismissed.

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