| 1U14T/18UT8/L9V5S | |
|---|---|
| Client | The Foundation |
| Service Provided | Fact-Finding and Retrieval |
| Priority | Low |
| Date of Purchase | 7/20/24 |
| Deadline | 7/20/25 |
| Advance Fee | $20,000 USD |
| Cancelation Fee | $10,000 USD |
| Completion Fee | $60,000 USD |
| Status | Ongoing |
| Description | The client has comissioned a report on the full transaction history - and current wherabouts - of a sapient animated wooden puppet reported to have been traded between multiple anomalous organizations. |
| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | |
Service History
On 7/17/24, Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP received a formal request of service from Site-322 (a Foundation facility located in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:)
TO MC&D, LLP
This is Dr. Allison Coen, writing on behalf of Foundation Site-322. Recently our facility apprehended an anomalous actor connected to Greazeburger, Incorporated1, and on its person was a document seeming to imply that it had sold (or given) an item to Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting.
The Foundation still possesses no evidence that "Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting" exists, and the actor in question suffered myriad delusions that made parsing the truthfulness of its claims outright impossible. However, the fact that it knew the name "Herman Fuller," and at least believed itself to have sold something to him, is of concern.
Site-322 is willing to pay Marshall, Carter and Dark the order of $30,000 to conduct a fact-finding mission concerning any interactions between Greazeburger, Incorporated and an entity claiming to be Herman Fuller. If an anomaly has indeed been privately traded, Site-322 is willing to pay a further $70,000 for its retrieval.
I have attached the document concerning this trade. Let me know if you have any further questions.
- Dr. Allison Coen
COMPANY REPORT
MAY 4RD 2024
FOXLOT GReaze
O, MARTIN! MY SHINING PRINCE! MY GLARIOUS BESUITED ANGEL -
An entire HALF-YEAR has passed since my Company Assignment began, but I have finally FINALLY made a Sale-Value Trade! to a Priority Customer! See that I can become a GOOD CLONE, My dear Martin!
I came across a WOODEN CHILD, quality craft, big varnish, cool moves! I asked him how he lived despite his enwoodened form and he Protested me, and told me he was in fact a Real Boy! Just as I was prepared to believe his alibi, his nose SHOT FORTH with a velocity that PUNCTURED the THIN SKIN OF MY CORPORATE ARM.
SPONTANEOUS NASAL GENERATION UPON MISTRUTHS, MARTIN! IMAGINE THE APPLICATIONS!
His name, as he explained to me, was Piney Keyo. And the color of my blood, as he explained to me, was "red." FASCINATING! SO I took Piney under my STILL-BLEEDING wing, and told him of Oh the wonderful things we would do together! The BUSINESS we would make!
But the boy showed BLASPHEMY! CRUCIAL ERRORS, my dearest Martin! He claimed - as if such a truth could even TRUE - that he had no interest in my business! And to work, he simply was a TRAGESTY! he would WONDER AND WANDER AWAY during NINE TO FIVE BUSINESS HOURS like some sort of UNTAMED RUBE! He could not SIT and LISTEN and HOLD MEETINGS. Pathetic!
So, I sold him to a circusman by the name of Her-Man Fooler.
I can only be JEALOUS of my wooden son Mr. Keyo. The thrill of being VERY USEFUL to the MIGHTY NAME OF GREAZEBURGER evades me yet, but THAT sweet sap has tasted its sweet SAP! He has become PRODUCT! I HAVE DONE HIM A FAVOR!
I AM KEPT AWAKE AT NIGHT FOR UNRELATED REASONS
HUGS AND KISSES, WRITE BACK SOON,
FOXLOT GREAZE
Research and Recovery department chairwoman Ms. Carmela Geppetto took personal interest in this case and motioned for direct involvement. The terms of sale were finalized three days later. Transcripts of communications made to previous clients as part of this investigation have been attached below.
Call Transcript
Ms. Carmela Geppetto + Mr. Martin Greaze, 7/22/24
Greaze: Welcome to the 24/7 Greazeburger Hotline, where yesterday’s flesh is now suddenly fresh! How can I help you, pals?
Geppetto: Hello, Martin.
Greaze: Oh shit, it's you.
Rustling papers are heard on Mr. Greaze's end of the line.
Greaze: Um. Hold on. Okay - of Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP's current… fifty lawsuits against Greazeburger, Incorporated, which are you here to discuss today?
Geppetto: None.
Greaze: Shit. Look, you can't sue us anymore, alright? We've updated our policy - anyone who subscribes to a two-week trial of Greaze± now forgoes the right for Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP to file suit for any reason.
Geppetto: Relax, Martin. We're just trying to trace a purchase history.
Greaze: Oh.
Paper rustling stops.
Greaze: What purchase?
Geppetto: What can you tell me about the sale of a sapient marionette between Greazeburger and Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting?
Greaze: I don't know what any of those words mean.
Geppetto: Roughly two weeks ago, a representative of Greazeburger made a sale to Herman Fuller in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Extended pause.
Geppetto: The United States. Earth.
Greaze: …What? I never approved this.
Geppetto: The representative went by the name of Foxlot Greaze. F-O-X-L-O-T.
Greaze: Hang on.
The sound of a drawer opening is heard on Mr. Greaze's end of the line, followed by the sound of several wet pieces of paper being pulled out of a drawer and tossed onto a desk.
Greaze: That's not the name of a Greazeburger representative. Hell, that's not a name. That sounds like a random designation for a standby clone.
Ms. Geppetto sighs.
Geppetto: Don't tell me you have rogue clones now.
Greaze: Okay, I won't. That wouldn't even be possible. Their brains pop if they think about crossing the company; it's hilarious.
The sound of wet rustling paper stops.
Greaze: Here we go! F-O-X-L-O-T Greaze. Rejected and discarded two weeks ago for… volume control issues. Dumped under a bridge somewhere.
Geppetto: And was this clone aware that it was rejected by the company?
Greaze: I don't know, probably. I don't talk to them.
Geppetto: Is it possible that it continued conducting business on your behalf after it had been disposed of?
Greaze: Absolutely not. Its brain is made of tumors we pulled out of other brains.
Geppetto: Well, either it's caught the attention of one of our more affluent clients… or you have.
Greaze: …It was the clone's fault. Goodbye!
Call ends.
Call Transcript
Ms. Carmela Geppetto + Mr. Herman Fuller, 7/22/24
Fuller: Greetings, fair stranger! You've reached the number of Herman Fuller! The man himself speaking!
Geppetto: Hello, Herman.
Mr. Fuller laughs warmly.
Fuller: Ah, Madame Geppetto! A pleasure to hear your voice as always!
The sound of a chair creaking is heard on Mr. Fuller's end of the line.
Fuller: I know you prefer to dive straight into business, so I shan't dare to waste your time, no no! Now, I'm to understand that our humble circus owes your company venue fees amounting to… a medium-sized fortune. We have most of it by now, you have my word! Just let us finish this tour and we'll have it all!
Geppetto: Relax, Herman. That's not why I'm here.
Fuller: How's that?
Mr. Fuller's chair squeaks again.
Fuller: Well, excuse me, but you don't ever call just to talk.
Geppetto: I'm trying to trace a purchase history. Can you tell me whether you acquired a new performer from Greazeburger, Incorporated recently?
Fuller: Ah. …A rather mundane call for you to make, no? These kinds of questions I expect from weasels lower on the weasel ladder than you.
Geppetto: I would appreciate an answer.
Fuller: Right, right. Pinocchio! The wooden boy! We were touring somewhere in the Americas when I came across the most peculiar individual. "Foxlot," his name was. He had a tattered suit and a wooden son and very little else.
Geppetto: And you… bought… the boy.
Mr. Fuller coughs.
Fuller: I hired him, madame. And I'd be a fool not to! This "Foxlot" character was in no shape to take care of a child, and all he asked of me was a turkey sandwich. And besides, the boy! A living puppet with no strings! he could sing, he could dance, he had this trick with his nose… he was perfect!
Geppetto: Was?
Fuller: …Yes. Yes, the problems started showing in only a few days. Pinocchio, he's a good child, a sweet child, but, well… he's not quite real, is he?
The sound of fingernails tapping on a table is heard from Ms. Geppetto's end of the line.
Fuller: I suppose it's not his fault; one can't help being what they are. All my cast and crew know that firsthand. But poor Pinocchio, there was always just a puzzle piece missing in him. The strangest things would make him laugh or make him cry. He'd wander off during tours, or sometimes just… sit there in the middle of the stage, staring, even when it was someone else's turn to perform.
Geppetto: So, he was no circus act.
Fuller: Oh, he was unmanageable.
Geppetto: What did you do with him?
Fuller: What anyone would do with a broken toy. I sent him to the Doctor. He's in the caring hands of a specialist.
Geppetto: Is this "Doctor" who I think she is?
Fuller: The one and only.
Geppetto: Thank you, Herman. That's all I needed to hear.
Call ends.
Recovered Document
7/28/24
Excerpt from To the Circus Born: Herman Fuller's Menagerie of Freaks:
I saw it myself — the worst show in the history of Master Fuller's great circus, and all because of that poor wooden boy! I tried to warn him, of course. Between you and me, Master Fuller is no father and his stage is no place for a child. And you know what the boy did, when I warned him? He tried to throw a shoe at me! He could have killed me, and my wings were too damaged to play music that night! Not his fault of course, I was the one who startled him! Of course, of course!
Master Fuller threw him to the stage and commanded the boy to dance and sing. "You're playing double tonight, lad," he said, "the cricket choir can't perform because of you!" But the boy just didn't know what to do! The lights were too bright, the crowds were too loud, he had never been trained in the ways of the circus! But I don't think any of us expected him to scream.
I don't know if the boy has lungs, but oh, did he have lungs. He was louder than the crowd. There was something in that scream, and I think I saw it pierce Master Fuller. For just a second, I think I saw in his eyes that he understood how he made us feel. Not for long, of course. Of course. Master Fuller is a strong man.
And he is nothing if not a showman, and once the shock of the scream wore off, it was clear he knew it was time to improvise.
He asked, "do you know what happens to boys like these? Boys who disobey their fathers -" as he gestured to himself, of course "- and disappoint their crowds? Why, a mighty beast lurks in wait of boys like these! A beast that feeds on the unwanted of the unwanted, the strange of the strange!"
He made such a show of it, spinning the story of a beast he had apparently only heard of in hushed whispers. A beast he had so far been lucky to avoid himself - but a beast that, surely, would claim this boy for his misdeed, just as it may claim the rowdy boys and girls of the crowd. He tried his best, but his starting material was weak. It scared the boy into silence, yes - but the audience responded just as poorly.
The boy was never to perform again, of course. He was packed up and shipped away to the good Dr. Wondertainment, all the way out in the midst of the eighth sea, without even a note about it. I'm lucky my wings healed, or surely the same fate would have bestowed me. I do hope he's found a home out there, of course, of course. I do so hope he finds a place where he need neither scream nor lie to be heard.
Call Transcript
Ms. Carmela Geppetto + Dr. Isabel Helga Anastasia Parvati Wondertainment V, 8/1/24
Wondertainment: Hi hi hi, you've reached Dr. Wondertainment!
Geppetto: Hello, Isabel.
Wondertainment: Aw beans, not the Marshal, Carter and Dorks again. Jeremy, get me an aspirin.
A dog can be heard barking on Dr. Wondertainment's end of the line.
Wondertainment: Yes, with frosting! Good boy!
Geppetto: I don't like you any more than you like me. Let's make this quick, please.
Wondertainment: Couldn't agree more, Ms. Caramel Gelato! Whaddaya need?
Geppetto: I'm under the impression that you recently accepted a gift of sorts from Herman Fuller?
Wondertainment: I get a lot of gifts from - thank you, Jeremy, just leave it on table - a lot of people.
Geppetto: I'm under the impression you received, in particular, a sentient wooden boy named Pinocchio from Herman Fuller?
Wondertainment: Um, let's see… Pinochinoak. Pinpino. Pinny, pin pin… Oh! Pin! The wooden kid! From the circus!
Geppetto: …Yes.
Wondertainment: Yeah, he was delivered to Wondertainment Headquarters and Resort Island just a few weeks or months or maybe days ago! Wooden puppets make for terrible Jeremies. He was just no fun!
Geppetto: Is that so.
Wondertainment: I mean, what's the point of a puppet that can't play pretend? He would just sit down and clump dirt in his hands, over and over and over and over! This is a whole island made of toys and he'd rather play with dirt! He was like a housecat. And not even a cute silly orange housecat, but a sat frumpy mangly old grey grouchcat! Ew!
Geppetto: And what did you do with him?
Wondertainment: I'unno.
Ms. Geppetto imitates a sigh.
Geppetto: You don't know.
Wondertainment: We tried putting him to work, he couldn't do it. We tried putting him to play, he couldn't do it. He didn't fit in with the human-type people or with the Jeremies, or even with other puppets. And then one day he left.
Geppetto: He left… your island.
Wondertainment: Yeah! Wood floats, doesn't it? He probably floated away. Last I saw him, he was just putting a big ol' pile o' dirt into a baggie. He probably wanted to take it with him.
Geppetto: Thank you, Doctor, you've been… very helpful.
Wondertainment: Anything for a friend! Now stop calling me and tell your guys to stop calling me!
Geppetto: If you're talking about our supply chain calls, we're only trying to-
Call ends.
Current Status
As of August 2024, Marshall, Carter & Dark, LLP have been able to confirm the existence of "Pinocchio" as described by the client, but have been unable to track its current location. At least three corporate entities in active relations with MC&D, LLP have at some point possessed some form of ownership over the item. If no progress is made before Q4 2024, work is to be outsourced directly to Greazeburger, Incorporated, Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting, and Dr. Wondertainment Limited.
Despite this service's low priority in the eyes of the client, Carmela Geppetto has barred any employees assigned to it from transferring to other projects.