The Curator sits at his computer, ready to begin judging proposals for his galleria's next showing.
Title: "Fleeting Moments" by Marco Antuart
Material Requirements:
- One bean and cheese burrito with extra cheese and sour cream, prepared with green food-grade thaumic-reactive powder dye to be consumed by me
- One stool for sitting
Abstract: As soon as the gallery opens, I will eat the supplied burrito at a leisurely pace, as to not upset my stomach too much, while sitting on the supplied stool. Once the gas buildup in my guts reaches climax, I will pass gas, which, utilizing the green food-grade thaumic-reactive powder dye, will form a visible cloud behind me. Said cloud will then transform into the word "ART" before dissipating. I will repeat this process for as many times as my gut allows.
Intent: With this piece, I seek to show how art, like farts, are both fleeting moments; ethereal experiences, here one second, then gone the next.
Whether or not by forcing one makes shit, however, will be left up to audience debate.
The Curator clicks the red 'REJECT PROPOSAL' button.
"Is this what my life's work will be reduced to after I'm dead? Is this truly the future of art?" he asks himself dejectedly. "Surely, it can't be," he reassures himself, opening the next proposal. From the title alone, he can tell it was written by a seasoned artist.
Title: "Ion Tames The Scarlet Archon" by Zend Kivelä
Material Requirements:
- One ball gag (already in my possession)
- One whip (already in my possession)
- One carnomantic statue of Grand Karcist Ion, to be animated (already in my possession)
- One Scarlet effigy
- One unaltered (I.E. penis intact) male squid.
The Curator clicks the red 'REJECT PROPOSAL' button.
He didn't have to finish reading this proposal to know where it was headed.
Title: "Suck my dick"; or, "Institutional critique takes the form of the temporary or non-transferable approaches of painting and sculpture, architectural alterations and interventions, and performative gestures and language intended to disrupt the otherwise clear operation of galleries and museums, and the professionals who manage them"; or, "Fuck you, conservative"; or, "I can't believe you idiots don't put a limit on how many titles I can give to this fucking bullshit proposal"; or, "No, seriously, suck my dick"; or, "The Shittening." by Valeria Amador.
Material Requirements:
- A blank canvas
- Kerosene
- A lighter
- An ornate gold frame (already in my possession)
- Laxatives (already in my possession)
- The greasiest food you can find for me (must be provided 4 hours before the gallery opens)
Abstract: I'm going to take off my pants and I'm going to shit on the canvas. Then I'll set fire to the shit-covered canvas and sing the Macarena.
Because patrons of the arts are all idiots, this will be praised as a commentary on the state of something deeper than it really is, and I'll be showered with accolades.
Once the shit has burned off, I'll place what's left of the canvas in the gold frame and call it my masterpiece. Since it's in a golden frame, the latter cannot be denied. My burnt shit will be my masterpiece.
Bids for the purchase of this piece start at $50,000.
Intent: Go fuck yourselves, scumbags. This isn't nearly as disgusting as what Ruiz was allowed to do in his last show.
The Curator leans back in his chair.
Was this Stuckism? Was this dada? Either way, it didn't say anything new, so into the rejection pile it went.
The Curator stands, going for his cup of afternoon tea. He is waiting for the kettle to boil, milling the leaves when he is suddenly struck by inspiration.
He knows exactly what to display in his galleria next week.
LA LUCHA DE
LA PEQUEÑA HABANA
| LITTLE HAVANA | MONDAY 23 OF JULY | 50 cents |
CURATOR CRUSHES CREATORS
-To say that Little Havana's art scene is recently undergoing a bit of a gentrification crisis would be an understatement — the Foundation, UIU, and CMA continue to attempt to enter our home and influence us against our traditional way of life, something which the Curator of the Tourism District's Galleria has taken to crushing in his new Display, "The Madness Sets In Fast".
Viewers of the exhibit truly understand what it means to have these ideas, and get unique insights into the blind gentrification process themselves; not only do the guests believe that the proposal was their idea, they firmly believe that it is the best idea that has ever existed, and immediately begin to engage in the artistic method. In this way, we all become the aspiring auteurs, blinded by dream of being a part of something, unable to recognize the garbage we are parroting.
Continued on A13.
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