The Lizard and I

On a recent escape attempt from Foundation custody, D-085 attempted to hide in the research labs of Dr ██████. Dr ██████ was in the progress of exploring a new theory of containment for SCP-682: that, through genetic mutation, certain individuals emitted a scent which, whilst undetectable to humans, would pacify SCP-682. Upon breaking into the labs, D-085 triggered the research equipment's stimuli, indicating he was in possession of said scent.

Upon discovery, D-085 was apprehended by site security and Dr ██████, the latter of whom explained his theory to D-085.

At this point, an unrelated anomalous phenomena occurred, resulting in dialogue and inner monologues being sung to the tune of popular musical numbers. The following is a recording from the incident:

[To be sung to the tune of "The Wizard and I", from the musical Wicked.]

[Dr ██████:]
Oh, D-085,
Many years I have researched
For a subject like you to appear
Why, I predict the Lizard could make you his
First reason to cheer!
My dear, my dear
I'll take you now to the Lizard
To give this theory a chance
With a scent like yours, dear
There is a definish chance
If this works as it should
You'll be making good

Did that really just happen?
Have I actually understood?
All these times I've tried
To escape or hide
showed my talent, I could
Go and tame the Lizard
If I make good
So I'll make good

When I meet the Lizard
Once I show my worth
And then I meet the Lizard
See the acid bath's great, great girth
And with all his Lizard wisdom
He'll say why he killed the farmers
Then we'll join forces and rise up
The Foundation will face karma! Yes!
He'll say to me, "Well, you're not that disgusting
So climb up on me and let's ride!"
And that's how we'll begin
The Lizard and I

Once I'm with the Lizard
My whole life will change
Cause once you're with the Lizard
You'll cause so much pain!
No researcher can bully you
You won't be cast into the flames
The whole world has to fear you
When by the Lizard, you're acclaimed
No longer trapped by
the O5 inside
Not blinking so that I don't die
When we are claw in hand
The Lizard and I

And one day, he'll say to me
"Eighty-five, human motives are so ulterior
Shouldn't a race with such red insides
Have a matching exterior?
And since off-site to an absurd degree
Seem fixated on the sun, for me
Would it be alright by you
If I, kill them all but you?"
"Well they want to terminate me
So hey, why not?" I'll reply
Oh, what a pair we'll be, The Lizard and I
Yes, what a pair we'll be, The Lizard and…

My future is unlimited
And I've just had a vision
It was memetic I think, I know
It sounds truly crazy
And amnestics make me hazy
But I swear, today there'll be
A containment breach across Earth
That's all been caused by me!

And I'll rampage with the Lizard
Feeling things I've never felt
Curse Clef and Kondraki
Our furious vengeance will be dealt!
And even if you drop a nuclear bomb
He'll regrow all his limbs and won't die
Oh what a devious scheme
When people see us, they will scream
We'll be the best uncontained team
The Lizard and I

Dr. ██████: Come on D-085, stop singing into that microphone and move it closer to it!

Personnel D-085: His throat's messed up man, look at it! He tried to match my Broadway vocals- (Gasps and screams)

SCP-682: (Appearing to assault D-085's body) …those lyrics were… disgusting…

Dr. ██████: (Retreats from the room)

<End Scene>

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