we budget in the dark so u can spend in the light
| From | Overwatch Command |
|---|---|
| Subject | Administrative Furlough |
| To | ALL@Foundation (All Foundation Personnel) |
Greetings,
As many of you may have heard, the Overseer Council has been performing our annual review of the Foundation's Strategic Budget. The Strategic Budget is the normal mechanism by which Sites and Departments are allocated funding, which is then distributed to individual programs and projects via Site or Departmental Operating Budgets. Unfortunately, we have been unable to reach a consensus on next year's Strategic Budget. We are still attempting to negotiate a solution, but if none is forthcoming, then at midnight tonight, most Foundation operations will be unfunded.
What does this mean?
First, a small number of projects are funded directly by Overwatch via special appropriations. These projects will continue unaffected. If you are part of a project funded via a special appropriation, you should have received an email notifying you of your status when funding was approved. If you are unsure of your funding status, please contact your Site Director or Overwatch Coordinator.
Second, outside of special appropriations projects, all non-essential activities not directly related to active containment efforts must cease immediately. This includes all testing, research, and training. Ongoing containment and monitoring operations shall continue without interruption. If you are engaged in affected activities which you reasonably believe are necessary to support essential containment operations, you may petition your Site Director or Overwatch Coordinator for a waiver to continue these activities.
Third, personnel with no duties related to active containment are likewise designated as non-essential, and will be placed on unpaid administrative leave beginning tomorrow. Personnel involved in active containment are deemed essential, and are expected to continue performing their duties without pay. Rest assured that this is only a temporary measure, and that all personnel will eventually be fully compensated for their time and effort to the extent deemed appropriate by the Overseer Council. You will know if you are considered essential personnel if your employment geas compels your attendance at work. Please note that attempts to circumvent your employment geas, such as by engaging in work stoppage or misuse of leave, will be considered treason and disciplined accordingly. Additionally, all non-sick leave for essential personnel has been canceled; sick leave may only be exercised at the discretion of your Site Director or Overwatch Coordinator.
Finally, the Site Directors Committee has been directed to conduct an all-Sites audit to identify wasteful expenditures and avoidable losses; the Department Directors Coordinating Committee has been asked to perform a similar audit for all independent Departments. Full compliance with these audits is expected; non-compliance will be grounds for discipline, up to and including potential termination of employment. The results of these audits will help us develop an acceptable Strategic Budget.
Secure. Contain. Protect.
The Overseer Council
DAY ONE
hot dog with extra catsup
Adrian Lopez, Craig Wilcox +5 others
John Xavier
Did y'all just see the email about furlough?
Linda Virgo
Yeah they sent it to everyone.
John Xavier
I didn't even know we had a budget tbh
Steve Sitz
did u think they just grew the money on trees???
John Xavier
Maybe! It's a legit possibility given where we work
Craig Wilcox
lmao this loser thinks we have a money tree in containment
3 😂
John Xavier
Shutup Craig.
John Xavier
Someone (else) tell me why they can't just use the the vending machine to print gold?
Craig Wilcox
have u heard of this thing called inflation?
Linda Virgo
Yea Craig's right, if we did that it would destroy the global economy.
John Xavier
Good to know that we're securing and protecting the value of the dollar.
Steve Sitz
more like Save Cash on Payroll
5 …..
John renamed the chat "Save Cash on Payroll"
Craig Wilcox
we budget in the dark so u can spend in the light
| From | Miami Ventura (Director, Site-157) |
|---|---|
| Subject | Health Insurance |
| To | Hannah Brown (Overwatch Coordinator, Rocky Mountain Region) |
Hannah,
I've been getting a lot of questions from my site staff about how the furlough will affect our health coverage. I'm hoping you might be able to shed some light on the matter. If this budget impasse lasts more than a month, are we going to have to worry about missed premiums?
Miami Ventura, MS, MLIS
Site Director, Site-157
Email: pcs.751etis|arutnev_a_imaim#pcs.751etis|arutnev_a_imaim
External: +1 (719) 555 0157, x101
Internal: 01-157-101
Cell: +1 (719) 555 1506
DAY TWO
| From | Maximus Carter (Commander, MTF Gamma-38 "Point Blanca Range") |
|---|---|
| Subject | Task Force Operations |
| To | Miami Ventura (Director, Site-157) |
Director Ventura,
Can you clarify whether Operation BLANK CANVAS is still authorized? It's not at all clear whether anti-GOI operations are considered essential containment activities, and we've gotten no guidance from Overwatch. My team has been preparing for this raid for months, and our window of opportunity will close within the next week.
COMMANDER MAXIMUS CARTER
MOBILE TASK FORCE Γ-38 - "POINT BLANCA RANGE"
PCS.FTM.83G|RETRAC_SUMIXAM#PCS.FTM.83G|RETRAC_SUMIXAM
1-713-555-4038-011 / 11-438-011
Sleepy Custodian Panel
Angelina Bove, Bob Lemmens, Jake Ripley
Bob Lemmens
I heard the budget crisis is actually the result of a Chaos Insurgency plot.
Angelina Bove
Oh lord, not again.
Jake Ripley
Man, you think everything is a CI plot. They aren't even real!
Angelina Bove
Yeah, everyone knows that Overwatch just uses them as a bogeyman. Task force killed in action? Chaos Insurgency did it. Skip breaches containment? Nobody fucked up, it was a CI plot. Breakroom coffee machine isn't working? Clearly the work of a Chaos Insurgent.
Bob Lemmens
They absolutely are real. My friend at Site-170 swears he saw them once.
Bob Lemmens
And for your information, there is no non-anomalous way that coffee machine could have ended up spread across five spatial dimensions. The Insurgency is clearly trying to sabotage our productivity, and this budget crisis is just the latest effort.
Jake Ripley
Do we even have a Site-170? Has anyone else met Bob's friend? Have we checked that he's not just a memetic effect?
| From | Miami Ventura (Director, Site-157) |
|---|---|
| Subject | Some questions for the Audit |
| To | Andromeda Danforth (Senior Researcher, Site-157) |
Andy,
I've been reviewing our expense reports, and I've noticed some unusual items from your division. Can you explain why we're spending several thousand dollars a month on bird seed? As far as I'm aware, we don't even have any avian entities in containment right now. I'm assuming that this is just a clerical error, and we're not actually going through multiple tons of bird seed a month.
Miami Ventura, MS, MLIS
Site Director, Site-157
Email: pcs.751etis|arutnev_a_imaim#pcs.751etis|arutnev_a_imaim
External: +1 (719) 555 0157, x101
Internal: 01-157-101
Cell: +1 (719) 555 1506
DAY THREE
USA-WEST Site Directors Social Group
Agatha Drummond (Site-56), Clive Pollock (Site-170), +27 others
Miami Ventura (Site-157)
Pietrykau asked me to help with the Independent Departments audit, I guess because they want a neutral perspective.
Miami Ventura (Site-157)
And I swear to God I've never heard of half of these before.
Miami Ventura (Site-157)
Department of Geosophy? Theonomics Department?
Randall House III (Site-666)
Theonomics is actually pretty important down here. We get a lot of prayer-energy trickling down from Vegas. It's gotta go somewhere.
Miami Ventura (Site-157)
Hercules Sanchez (Site-304)
"Xenooology" that's gotta be a typo, right?
Moses Feghoot (Site-169)
Nah, they study alien eggs. @Miami you've got some contained at 157, right?
Miami Ventura (Site-157)
Yeah, [AUTOMATICALLY REDACTED — CLASSIFIED LEVEL 4-WEFT WEAVER] since 2009.
Miami Ventura (Site-157)
Oh. Guess there's still budget for that.
Molly Goodwin (Site-421)
"Department of Dentistry". Do we really have that many anomalous teeth?
Hercules Sanchez (Site-304)
I think that's actually the employee dental provider
Edgar Holman (Site-64)
It's both. They rotate the dentists between Containment and Employee Health. Too much attrition otherwise.
Edgar Holman (Site-64)
Looking at the list now. What the hell is "Kataphysics"?
Randall House III (Site-666)
It's what's below physics.
Hercules Sanchez (Site-304)
So… Chemistry?
Moses Feghoot (Site-169)
"Theoretical Anatomy"? "Theobotany"? Why do we have a "Department of Massage Therapy"?
Randall House III (Site-666)
Oh, we work with Theobotany too.
Moses Feghoot (Site-169)
What do they do?
Randall House III (Site-666)
They study plants that are also gods. It involves a surprising amount of psychedelics. Ayahuasca and peyote and mushrooms. Lot of overlap with Psychonautics.
Miami Ventura (Site-157)
Wait, are mushrooms even botany? They're fungi.
Randall House III (Site-666)
Theomycology is a sub-department.
Molly Goodwin (Site-421)
OK, there is no way "Quantum Linguistics" is real.
| From | Lucas Monaco (External Acquisitions Manager) |
|---|---|
| Subject | Your Funding Problem |
| To | ALL@Foundation (All Foundation Personnel) |
Email Security Alert
This email originated from outside the Foundation. Do not click links or attachments unless you recognize the sender and know that the content is safe. Do not view images unless they have been scanned for cognitohazardous content. The Foundation will never ask for user ID information via email.
Salutations, good tidings, and all of those beautiful formalities I know you loathe in your emails.
Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd. has been made aware of your current deficit, and is offering to extend a hand to help you manage your current crisis. We understand that your organization considers us to be a pertinent and very impersonal threat, but fear not—there are many items in your possession we will pay handsomely for, including ones which you find troublesome—those are called Keter, yes? What a funny little classification. Why the fancy names and not something more mundane?
Oh well. Despite how much you’ve been a proper thorn in our side, you are the best at keeping the nastier bits of the universe in check (make sure they don’t get out, because you can’t afford the end-of-world bunkers we sell) so please consider our offer. Rest assured this is open to all, and will go straight into the bank accounts funding your operations. We are also willing to provide ample protection to anyone who steps forward—just for you, we will make sure this time that individualistic opportunists do not cannibalize your inventory just to become a millionaire, though we won’t mind a firebrand willing to relinquish their position for the betterment of the world. You have a plethora of departments all vying for funding regularly—I hope you give whoever steps up to the plate a medal instead of a termination of employment (or their life?) because we love to see go-getter leaders acknowledged.
Tata!
[EMAIL SIGNATURE REDACTED PER ORDER OF O5 COMMAND]
| From | Andromeda Danforth (Senior Researcher, Site-157) |
|---|---|
| Subject | The magpie problem |
| To | Miami Ventura (Director, Site-157) |
Director Ventura,
As instructed, we have stopped work on Project Parallel Murder. Unfortunately, we now have to contend with approximately 400 angry corvids who have been conditioned to expect food from Foundation personnel. They are now mobbing any staff members who leave the confines of the site, preferentially targeting staff members who are eating or carrying food.
Andy Danforth, PhD
They/Them/She/Her
Senior Researcher, Site-157
Atypical Containment Methods Division
+1 (719) 555-0157, x304
| From | Maximus Carter (Commander, MTF Gamma-38 "Point Blanca Range") |
|---|---|
| Subject | Containment Breach |
| To | Miami Ventura (Director, Site-157) |
Director Ventura,
During a routine anti-GOI operation (classified under BLANK CANVAS) we brought along SCP-3538 to justify the operation as an essential containment activity. Over the course of the raid on a suspected Serpent's Hand safehouse located within the Alamosa Pizza Hut, SCP-3538 disappeared from my belt. A thorough search of the scene did not reveal it, and I am forced to conclude that it was stolen by a Serpent's Hand member.
We are currently attempting to trace the exit vectors of the Serpent's Hand members who escaped the safehouse, but it is likely that SCP-3538 is permanently lost.
COMMANDER MAXIMUS CARTER
MOBILE TASK FORCE Γ-38 - "POINT BLANCA RANGE"
PCS.FTM.83G|RETRAC_SUMIXAM#PCS.FTM.83G|RETRAC_SUMIXAM
1-713-555-4038-011 / 11-438-011
DAY FOUR
| From | Andromeda Danforth (Senior Researcher, Site-157) |
|---|---|
| Subject | An even bigger magpie problem |
| To | Miami Ventura (Director, Site-157) |
Director Ventura,
While entering the site this morning, a magpie flew up to me and presented me with SCP-3538. Apparently, we were successful in teaching them to recognize anomalies, and now they are stealing anomalous objects from low-security storage in an attempt to get food from us. I don't know how they're getting into the mountain, but it is my urgent recommendation that we increase security across all containment wings.
Andy Danforth, PhD
They/Them/She/Her
Senior Researcher, Site-157
Atypical Containment Methods Division
+1 (719) 555-0157, x304
Save Cash on Payroll
Adrian Lopez, Craig Wilcox +5 others
John Xavier
Guys I'm pretty sure I just found an uncontained anomaly in my yard.
Linda Virgo
The squirrel that keeps getting into your bird feeder is not anomalous, it's just smarter than you.
John Xavier
No I'm serious. This thing just swore at me when I tried to chase it away from the feeder.
Craig Wilcox
what did it say
John Xavier
"Dickhead"
Linda Virgo
Lmao.
Craig Wilcox
u sure it wasnt just a squeak?
John Xavier
Listen
John Xavier
► |||||||||||||||||
2 😳
Adrian Lopez
Yeah, sounds like speech to me
Linda Virgo
Man, it really doesn't like you.
Craig Wilcox
still think it could b regular rodent noises.
John Xavier
Should i try to contain it?
Linda Virgo
Yeah, grab a butterfly net and they'll probably give you backpay for it.
Adrian Lopez
make sure to videotape your containment efforts. yknow, for documentation.
3 💯
2 🙏
Linda renamed the chat "Squirrel Containment Party"
Craig Wilcox
no way theyre giving u backpay for a freaking squirrel.
Craig Wilcox
but please share the video i want to see u fail
| From | RAISA |
|---|---|
| Subject | Yesterday's Phishing Test |
| To | ALL@Foundation (All Foundation Personnel) |
Good afternoon all,
Over the past twenty-four hours, RAISA has fielded several emails from concerned personnel regarding a recent email, allegedly from a representative of Marshall, Carter, and Dark. To those who alerted this issue to RAISA and their supervisors, congratulations.
That email was a mock phishing test sent out by our team, to see how personnel would react to an actual scenario like this, and the results have been very heartening. The overwhelming majority of personnel did not rise to the offer, but instead correctly concluded that the offer was in bad faith and represented a threat to the Foundation. This shows that Foundation staff are well-trained to respond to suspected breaches of organizational security, and do not falter in a crisis.
To those members of staff that responded to the test email, you will be shortly assigned mandatory eight-hour Personnel Internet Safety Training (PIST), going through the dos and don'ts of utilizing Foundation accounts, with training seminars to be held once the current budgetary negotiations have concluded.
We apologize for the disruption to your workflow. Have a pleasant rest of your day.
RAISA Staff
DAY FIVE
SLV Normalcy Cooperation
Faith Fairchild (UNGOC), Miami Ventura (SCPF), Nephi Smith (FBI-UIU)
Faith Fairchild (UNGOC)
Ventura, why are Foundation radio-tagged magpies attempting to steal small pieces of paratech from our UHEC maintenance bay?
Miami Ventura (SCPF)
I can explain.
| From | Miami Ventura (Director, Site-157) |
|---|---|
| Subject | The magpie problem just got bigger |
| To | Andromeda Danforth (Senior Researcher, Site-157) |
| CC | Maximus Carter (Commander, MTF Gamma-38 "Point Blanca Range") |
Andy,
I just got a very strongly worded complaint from my counterpart at Marstrand Station. Apparently the magpies have been trying to steal paratech from the UHEC hangar. We may not have fully considered the possible consequences of training them to indiscriminately find and collect anomalies. I'm provisionally classifying the magpie flock as an uncontained Thaumiel skip and ordering Gamma-38 to apprehend them. If we can't train them to avoid stealing from non-hostile GOIs, we may have to euthanize the entire flock.
P.S. How the hell can a bird tell whether a piece of technology is anomalous or not? I think we might need to examine them for ARad contamination, because I don't think we're dealing with fully mundane magpies anymore.
Miami Ventura, MS, MLIS
Site Director, Site-157
Email: pcs.751etis|arutnev_a_imaim#pcs.751etis|arutnev_a_imaim
External: +1 (719) 555 0157, x101
Internal: 01-157-101
Cell: +1 (719) 555 1506
DAY SIX
Stopping Corvid Pilferers
Miami Ventura, Max Carter, Andy Danforth
Max Carter
We've reached the site of the nest. No sign of any magpies.
Andy Danforth
Are you sure? Your GPS marker is directly ontop of the largest mass of radio tags.
Miami Venture
Don't tell me the damn things can turn invisible too.
Max Carter
No such luck, sir. I just found one of the radio tags on the ground.
Max Carter
There's a whole pile of them here.
Miami Ventura
Fuck.
Andy Danforth
They removed the trackers?
Max Carter
Yeah. Clever birds.
Max Carter
It looks like they left a note too.
Miami Ventura
You're kidding me.
Andy Danforth
What does it say?
Max Carter
"gIv bIRb sEEb."
Miami Ventura
O5-5 is gonna kill us.
| From | Miami Ventura (Director, Site-157) |
|---|---|
| Subject | URGENT: Imminent Containment Breach |
| To | Overseer 5 |
Overseer,
In an effort to reduce payroll costs for embedded agents, one of my research teams has been conducting experiments in training animals — primarily corvids — in identifying anomalies. To further reduce costs, we've been purchasing bird seed in bulk from the cheapest possible supplier.
Unfortunately, that supplier is a Factory front company.
To cut a very long story short (my full report is attached), the birds went rogue and escaped containment. We are now dealing with roughly 400 magpies (and 5 squirrels) with near-human intelligence, which are indiscriminately gathering anomalous objects and ransoming them for more bird seed. They have already stolen several pieces of paratech from the GOC's Marstrand Station, and there are concerns that they might breach containment here at Site-157.
My people here are overwhelmed — we don't have the staff to handle this, and even if I call everyone who's been furloughed back to service, morale is in the toilet. I know you don't want to hear this, but we need a budget ASAP.
Respectfully,
Miami Ventura, MS, MLIS
Site Director, Site-157
Email: pcs.751etis|arutnev_a_imaim#pcs.751etis|arutnev_a_imaim
External: +1 (719) 555 0157, x101
Internal: 01-157-101
Cell: +1 (719) 555 1506
DAY SEVEN
| From | Overwatch Command |
|---|---|
| Subject | Re:Administrative Furlough |
| To | ALL@Foundation (All Foundation Personnel) |
Greetings,
We have good news and bad news for you all. The bad news is that Overseer 13 has been exposed as a Chaos Insurgency doppelganger who killed and replaced the real Overseer 13 for the sole purpose of orchestrating the ongoing budget crisis. He has been summarily executed by MTF Alpha-1 ("Red Right Hand"), and we are currently in the process of selecting a replacement.
The good news is that we have voted to adopt last year's Strategic Budget as an interim measure. Beginning tomorrow, funding for all Sites and Departments will be restored to what it was last week. If these funding levels are insufficient for your current needs, please submit an appropriations request to your supervising Overseer. We will be reviewing these requests, as well as the results of Site and Departmental audits, in order to craft a new Strategic Budget, which we hope to pass within the next month.
We appreciate your patience this last week. It has been a trying time for all of us, and the dedication and valor shown by all personnel while working without pay is truly commendable. Overwatch Command is currently computing the amount of back pay that is owed, which will be dispensed with the next budget.
Secure. Contain. Protect.
The Overseer Council
Sleepy Custodian Panel
Angelina Bove, Bob Lemmens, Jake Ripley
Bob Lemmens
I FUCKING TOLD YOU GUYS!
Angelina Bove
No fucking way.
Jake Ripley
Holy shit, do you think he was right about the coffee machine too?
Stopping Corvid Pilferers
Miami Ventura, Max Carter, Andy Danforth
Max Carter
So what are we going to do about the birds?
Miami Ventura
🤷