The Containment of Arsène Lupin
It wasn't often that Site-19 security guards were forced to exit the impenetrable fortress to check up on something outside its perimeter.
When they did, it usually turned out to be an animal, like a coyote or a hare that had wandered too close to the movement sensors. As such, it was always the rookie guard's duty to go outside and brave the heat of the Mojave. Today, such misfortune fell upon Maurice Lagrange, a guard fresh out of training and stationed at Site-19 only two weeks prior.
Lagrange took a few steps out of the gates of the Site, then looked up at the night sky. For the first time ever, he could see the stars shining above. He gawked in admiration for a moment before command bellowed the order in his earpiece to get moving. Sighing, he trudged ahead to take a look at the sector where the motion sensors had gone off.
He rounded the corner of the complex and—
THUNK!
"Lagrange? Come in, Lagrange! You've been sitting still for three minutes, what the hell are you doing out there?" command barked through the earpiece.
"Sorry. I tripped and my earpiece went flying," the man replied as he dusted himself off.
"Your earpiece's microphone must have broken too, you sound weird."
"It is very likely. Apologies."
"Whatever, we'll let tech figure that out. What's out there?"
"Nothing I could see. Probably just a coyote." Lagrange put on his helmet and continued onward.
"Just hurry up and get back."
"Yes, sir."
The earpiece went silent. He picked up the gun that lay on the ground, an overdesigned automatic rifle that miraculously hadn't gone off when it fell. He looked back a moment and smiled, then continued.
Lagrange entered Site-19 and looked around. There were a few guards idling about, their faces hidden by their helmets. He spotted the elevators in the distance and started toward them.
Suddenly, a voice behind him called his name.
"Lagrange! Where are you going?"
He turned around to spot the source of the voice: a large, barrel-chested man with thin legs and a beard that poked out from underneath the helmet.
"I was just heading to my quarters."
"Well, I guess you earned an early night by going out and dealing with the heat. Sorry for doing that to you, but you know how it is around here." The bearded guard nodded and walked off.
Once he was gone, Lagrange approached the elevators. He pressed his keycard to the reader, and a few minutes later, a cabin had come up. The doors opened to reveal a few scientists looking over their clipboards and speaking to one another. Lagrange allowed them to exit before getting in, alone.
He shot a glance to all the numbers on the control button panel and thought a moment. Lagrange would have stroked his chin had he not been carrying a weapon and wearing a helmet. Eventually, the elevator cab started moving again; someone on one of the lower floors had called it. Oh well. He had to go down anyway.
"I hate all these new stupid security measures," one of the scientists entering the elevator grumbled. He was gruff and old, wearing a grey beard and equally greying hair.
"Same," his companion, a thin, young man with blond hair agreed. "I can't believe they're making us use snail mail for intra-Site communications because of that damn thief."
Lagrange nodded. "At least us guards still have our earpieces. Can't take that away from us."
"Yeah? Lucky you. I have to deal with everyone's godawful handwriting. Do they no longer teach proper handwriting in schools?" the older one prattled. "Bunch of halfwits they've got me working with."
"I resent that, Doct—"
"Oh please. You of all people? After you fell for that thief Lupin's obvious phishing scam, telling him where SCP-268 is stored? You're lucky we literally cannot fire you."
Lagrange raised his hand quietly, clearing his throat. "Pardon me, gentlemen, but isn't SCP-268 the hat that allows one to vanish without a trace?"
Both researchers nodded.
"Well, I think there should be a guard stationed outside its chamber, just in case that Lupin fellow comes sneaking along." Lagrange shrugged. "After all, it is my job to make sure these things are looked after."
"If only some other people showed the same initiative this fine young man does." The older doctor shot his younger counterpart a nasty look. "Good thinking. Do you know where it is?"
Lagrange nodded. "Sublevel 43, room 3803-B."
The elder doctor shook his head. "Ah, no, the research team moved it after this idiot's 'accident.' It's on sublevel 55, room 1221-A now."
"I am not an idiot…" the younger doctor mumbled.
1219-A
1220-A
1221-A
Finally. He reached for the keycard at his hip, grinning as he pressed it to the scanner.
ACCESS DENIED.
"Darn." This was unexpected; he had anticipated that security guard clearance would get him wherever he needed to go. He turned around to spot a scientist rounding the corner of the hallway nearby.
"Excuse me," he called. "Care to open this door for me? My keycard seems to be malfunctioning."
"SCP-268's containment chamber? I didn't know it was scheduled for testing tonight," she replied, stopping beside Lagrange.
"Yes, well, you know how it is around here." Lagrange laughed, eyeing the lanyard around her neck which contained her keycard.
"I… what? No! Let me see your ID." She swatted his hand away and held out her own.
They were cut off by the Site-wide alarm system, which went off before Lagrange could open his mouth again.
WARNING. WARNING. THERE IS AN INFILTRATOR IN THE SITE. ALL PERSONNEL MUST REPORT TO THE SITE BUNKER WITH IDENTIFICATION HANDY.
"Ah, merde." he grumbled. "Looks like I ran out of time."
The woman began backing away slowly. The man followed.
"Who are you?!" she demanded.
"My name, mademoiselle, is Arsène Lupin…" He grinned, and in one fell swoop, his disguise fell away. The guard helmet was tossed aside to reveal a face with long sideburns, a thin mustache, and a monocle. The fatigues were dropped to reveal he was sharply dressed in a dark suit. Lupin laughed, dropping the gun he had acquired earlier, and held up the woman's keycard in his free hand. "… And you have just played your part in my latest heist."
She fumbled around her chest with her hands, searching for her keycard. A look of horror etched itself upon her face upon finding that it was missing.
Lupin took a few steps backwards and pressed the pilfered ID to the scanner.
ACCESS GRANTED. WELCOME, RESEARCHER FUJIKO.
The door slid open.
"Thank you, mademoiselle Fujiko!" Lupin laughed and dashed into the room, shutting the door behind him. He turned to investigate the room, glancing around the multiple cabinets and lockers that occupied it.
He stroked his chin. "Mon dieu," the thief grumbled as the Site alarm continued to sound. “It is so hard to concentrate with that blasted alarm going off…" He extended his left arm, and a fancy, golden cane with an equally elegant emerald topper emerged, sliding down his sleeve until it came to rest in the palm of his hand.
"Now where are we, SCP-268…" Lupin stroked his chin, curling at his mustache with a free finger. He glanced around the room, eventually spotting a locker labeled '268'. "Hmph. Silly Foundation. They make it so easy." The thief approached, noticing a lock on the door. It was too loud to pick it because of the alarm, so he would have to improvise.
He swung the cane against the lock, bashing it until it fell. "It's not that I don't appreciate a good lock; there is an art to the practice, but I simply have no time. Apologies, Foundation." Lupin sighed, pressing on the handle of the locker. It swung open to reveal a black top hat, at which he smiled.
"Très bien!" He picked up the hat. "And now, I wa—"
The door behind him exploded off its hinges and soared through the room, narrowly missing him and smashing straight into the opposite wall, leaving a sizeable hole. A floodlight brightly illuminated the room, obscuring the men who had knocked the door down.
"Well, well, well. You're a long way from your quarters, Maurice Lagrange." A voice emerged from the smoke that occupied the newly formed entrance.
"What can I say, this place is a labyrinth."
"I'm afraid so, Mr. Lagrange. Or should I say, Arsène Lupin?"
"Ah, I see you know of me." Lupin smiled.
"Of course I know of you, Mr. Lupin."
"Please. Monsieur will do just fine."
A man with a big beard and a guard uniform, sans helmet, entered the room: the very same man from before. He pointed his gun at the thief, the same gun Lupin had tossed aside earlier. Though it was hard to see through the floodlight behind him, Lupin could tell the guard was grinning, as widely as he was himself.
"Whatever you say, Monsieur Lupin. But I'm afraid this will be the last time you get what you want. Arrest him!"
A group of men rushed into the room, all of them holding beryllium bronze handcuffs and pistols. Lupin laughed briefly before making a run for it into the next room via the hole. He was followed by a hail of bullets and the floodlight's bright illumination. After he had escaped into the hallway, he could hear the guard roaring and stomping: "After him!"
Clutching his cane and newly pilfered hat, Lupin ran towards where he remembered the elevators were. He wasn't surprised to find that there were guards there, all of them with guns and more beryllium bronze handcuffs. The thief looked around him; the guards following still hadn't rounded the corner of the hallway and the ones by the elevator hadn't seen him yet. He doffed the top hat and put it on, immediately becoming narratively indistinguishable from a background character. Lupin then approached the elevators wearing a smile.
"ID please," one of the guards stopped him.
"But of course." The thief pulled out the ID he had previously stolen and showed it to the towering brute in front of him.
"… Researcher Fijuko Mine? You don't look like a Fujiko," the guard, faceless behind his helmet, grumbled at Lupin.
"Pray tell, what do I look like then?" he fired back.
"Oh, uh. Sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. Are you taking the elevator up to the shelter?"
"Indeed."
"Please, right this way."
The guard stepped aside and allowed for Lupin to pass. Just as he did so, the group of guards that had been chasing him from the containment chamber caught up and breathlessly yelled, "Where is Lupin?!" The men guarding the elevator collectively shrugged while Lupin slinked away into the elevator.
"I thought tracking him was your job," one of the elevator guards said.
"It's all our jobs!" the bearded guard roared, running up from behind. "Have you seen anyone else around here?!"
"Only that one researcher." The brutish guard thumbed backwards to the closing elevator.
Just before the doors of the elevator shut, Lupin removed the top hat and winked at the guards, whose jaws all hung agape. The doors shut, and Lupin leaned against the walls of the cabin. He adjusted his monocle with one hand, and with a flick of his other wrist, his cane disappeared.
"Well that was simply too easy. This won't do."
"What do you mean SCP-268 is 'public domain' now?" Detective Quinn Roscoe yelled over the Site alarm into his communicator. "Does that mean he actually stole it?"
"One of your AICs picked it up on a public domain dump site. And by the way, security confirms that Lupin is at large with SCP-268 and is currently somewhere in the Site."
The detective grumbled a curse, pressing the button to call the elevator.
"Well that's just great. What does it mean for an SCP object to be in the public domain anyway?"
"Knowing how we anomalies work, probably something Veil-breaking."
The elevator doors dinged and opened to reveal someone within, who stepped out and stopped directly in front of Roscoe.
The detective blinked.
"Bonsoir." Lupin smiled at him, holding the hat in his right hand.
"Who's there with you, Quinn?"
"Lupin." Roscoe stuffed the communicator into his coat pocket and pulled out his sidearm.
"It's Dupin. Come, you should know how to pronounce my name by n—"
"No, it's Lupin!"
"What?! Get him, Quinn!"
"Arsène Lupin, you are under arrest. Place SCP-268 on the ground."
"Yes, yes, as you say. I suppose I have been caught. I prefer to craft my own disguises myself, rather than rely on something else, anyway." The phantom thief set the object on the floor in front of him between both men.
"On your knees. Hands behind your back."
Lupin obliged.
Roscoe quickly got behind Lupin and handcuffed him, then spoke into his communicator again.
"Dupin, you still there?"
"Yeah. You got him?"
"Yes. Tell security to get up to Sublevel 20."
"On it." The communicator switched off.
"Aren't you going to read me my Letter of Rights?" Lupin asked.
"There will be no trial for you."
"That's good, because I have a bad habit of missing those."
Roscoe laughed.
Lupin grinned.
"Well, either way, I have something to say, monsieur. Let it be known that I, Arsène Lupin, plan on mounting the greatest heist the Foundation has ever seen! One month from now, you will come to know a loss so severe, you will simply be unable to continue as you were."
"You are a mile underground," the detective blinked, "and you'll be even deeper once we get you in containment. How do you intend on getting out of here?"
"I guess we shall have to wait and see, oui?"
"Either you have something planned or you are a fool, and I'm willing to bet it's the former. So I will make sure that you are locked up tighter than the lizard." Roscoe chuckled sensibly at the threat of Lupin attempting to breach the most secure fortress in the world. Though he had just infiltrated it today… Something for the containment engineers to think about when they drafted his conprocs.
"Before you take me to what will no doubt be the least attractively furnished room in existence, I have something to give you. Here, take this."
Lupin flicked his wrist as best he could while handcuffed, and produced a card. Roscoe took it, and flipped it over.
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