Technical Issues
rating: +196+x

After getting quite a few technical issue notes attached straight to my personnel file, I've decided to update the servers with a tech issue file. Place a dated note or comment into the tech files and I will get to it as soon as possible. The previous notes have been moved from my personnel file to the page, and I encourage any returned notes to be placed as responses. Thank you.

Note: 01-10-09
Gep, I have an internal server error 571 while trying to contact the Foundation, gimme a scan for probable hackers and track their source locations ASAP! -CarrionTrooper

Internal Service Error 571? … Am I reading this correctly? Five-seventy-one? … …

Were you holding the device upside-down? -Pat

Note: 01-10-09
Don't worry about Carrion, Pat. We taught him everything the wrong way, on purpose. It was a slow day, and Clef and Kondraki bet me I couldn't do it. Okay, maybe they didn't bet me, maybe they inferred it. Okay, maybe I just decided to try it on my own, so what? -Dr. Bright

Bright, please at least ATTEMPT to date your inquiries and such. It makes it a lot easier on ME. Please. For me.

And you tried what on your own? An Internal Service Error 571 isn't a hacking error of any type, Bright… so… what did you actually do? -Pat

Note: 01-10-09 Hey Pat, I do not hold my own laptop upside-down, and I am logging in from a secure location in Indonesia. How IS Dr. Bright able to do… whatever it is he did without hacking? - CarrionTrooper

A 571 is an error that shows when a message was unable to be sent at least four times. The only way Bright could've done anything is if he had canceled it from your terminal, or brought down an orbiting satelli-

Oh god. Bright!

Note: 01-11-09 Good news, Pat: the satellite burned out in re-entry and became quite the light show over Jakarta. So no worries there. Bad news is that since the Mumbai attacks, I've had to put the India servers in a semi-secure location. Drop me a line on when we can transfer the DBs to a new system; I can't keep the darned things at Bollywood forever, contrary to popular opinion. - Kamen

I've transferred the data already. Destroy any database where the data had been kept with some form of explosives. I don't know how strong, go check the rules. -Pat

Note: 01-11-09
Pat, just for the record, don't approach a group of people playing a game, ask them to play when you don't know the actual rules of the game, then go all PMS when they're mean to you. Also, your charisma score is far too high for you to be playing DnD. And what's the best way of cleaning dolphin semen off of a keyboard? -Agent Rapp

Use canola oil. Unplug it before cleaning. Rinse with water, dry 24 hours in a warm room, fixed. -Pat

Um, Pat? I was looking at some websites, and I clicked on a link that told me my IP address was being reported to the FBI. Since I was using the computer in my office, will I get in trouble if the FBI come knocking at Site 19's door? Please help. :( - Trid

Are you kidding? We're behind more than seven proxies. You'll be fine. -Pat

Note: 01-11-09
So, Pat, a bunch of the printers at site 19 are down. Looks like someone hit them with a lamp. I think Dr. Rights might have found out where the calendars were being printed from. Any help? -Dr. Bright

Bright, you have to at least know how to send a requisition form. I'm not in charge of ordering new printers… not yet at least. -Pat

Note: 01-12-09
Pat? Somebody's replaced every single SCP report I've written with photos of me, containing, lets say, "adult content". I wouldn't care so much except that some of them have my boyfriend in them and I'd like for the other researchers to stop calling him a girl. Please and thank you, Pat! -Dr. Rights

DOCTOR, I don't have clearance to edit your files. Plus, I don't blame them. I mean, seriously, haircuts are like eleven dollars. -Pat

Note: 01-12-09
Hey Pat. Do you know how to make sure nobody's bugged my office phone? I need the line private so I can spend some quality time with Chris' voice… -Dr. Rights

As long as Bright hasn't bugged it in the last four hours. But let's be serious here: The chances he hasn't are slim. Perhaps you should invest in a cell. We could open it into the network. -Pat

Note: 01-12-09
Gep, I keep getting calls by somebody searching for a 'Chris', and when I asked who's calling the line was dropped. Though insofar I have managed to trace it to site-19, and I'm guessing someone's playing with the phone system… And act quick, I bet the superiors are going to have a fit if they discover the international phone bill. -CarrionTrooper

I could block the number, but next time just play along. ;) -Pat

Note: 01-12-09
Okay, what the fuck, where the hell did my bookmarks go? How am I supposed to make my daily quota of porn, violence, and schadenfreude now? Pat, get this under control or I'll assign you to debug Bright's computer. Yeah, all the spyware. -Dr. Kondraki

Joke's on you, doctor. I got him a new computer as of Clef's orders, and put a sheriff card in it. He doesn't have the ability to get spyware on it. -Pat

Note: 01-12-09
Mr. Gephart,

It appears that my login has been flagged again. This has happened in the past, resulting from tampering by staff members. I have been re-classed from “Researcher” to “SCP-217 Test Subject”. While I understand the “joke” in regards to my particularities of emotional response, this is preventing me from accessing Central Records and numerous other databases. While not vital in the immediate future, expedient resolution of this issue is requested.

In addition, please look into any measures that could be taken to prevent this in the future. This is the eighth time in three months this has happened.

Dr. Gears

I am not able to change your classification until you can prove that you are not an SCP-217 test subject. Sorry, doctor. -Pat

Note: 01-12-09

Someone tried to log into my computer while I was gone and set off my customized positive action locks. Can you please order me a new box? Also, while you're at it, call housekeeping and tell them that there's another corpse that needs to be moved out of my office. Maybe they can ID it from dental records, if they can find the teeth.


Note: Doctor, you're being ridiculous. There's no such thing as a 'positive action' lock, and even if there was there'd be no way to customize it. Don't argue password protection with a hacker. And I'm not your personal pet, call your own damn housekeeping. -Pat

Note: 01-12-09
I've had one of my agents working with 425 for some time now and it seems the little bugger absolutely loves to encrypt most anything digital.
This is great for some of the more sensitive documents, even using it on the files for 429… only problem is it seems that most of the other sites can't decrypt it with any modicum of success.

You seem like the sort of person to know about this stuff so I've uploaded a copy of "CYPHER C-429-K" in the hopes you can, ooh, I dunno, crack it and propagate it to the other sites? I don't think it'll affect anything still pending decryption but everything after that should come through cleanly.
Provided you do it right anyway… heh.
- Kulzn

Note: I can run it through some cypher cracking programs, and I can attempt to break it by hand but that'll take a while. I'll do my best, but I dunno what to tell you. -Pat

Note: 01-12-09

Did I say "positive action lock?" I'm sorry, I meant my foot up your fsking ass. Just order me a new damn computer already, and make sure there's enough room for me to put in a claymore mine. - Clef

Note: Thank you for holding. Your call is very important to us. Please remain on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. You are currently the… four… thousand… seven… hundred… sixty… second person in the queue. Please note: for quality assurance and training purposes, your call will be monitored and recorded.

Note: 01-13-09
Paaaaat my scanner's not working again and I have no idea what wires got bumped this time. There's a fresh-baked Dutch Apple Pie for you if you can teach me how to plug the damn thing in correctly. - Dr. Rights

Note: The wires were fine. The power box was a little wiggy on that particular plug, but I re-soldered the ground back up and it should be working now.

I especially like how you bribed the diabetic with a dutch apple pie. -Pat

Note: 01-14-09
Diabetes? You should have 212 look at that. I hear having all your organs and blood replaced with biomechanical sacks will cure that right up. And what's the best way of getting horse semen off of a CRT monitor?

Note: Thanks but no thanks.

Unplug, paint thinner, scrub, rinse, let dry 24 hours. -Pat

Note: 02-06-09
Hey Pat, could you give me some of the files on how to crack the CIA database again? I forgot the part where the data access prevention program is to be shut… and it seems that a corrupted file's the only thing standing between me and this latest SCP info. Advice please? -carriontrooper

That's not going to happen. The CIA database doesn't even HAVE SCP info, and if there were any corrupt files, I'd know. You don't have clearance to the CIA files, or it would be available to you.
Stop trying to break my security measures. -Pat

Note: 02-06-09
Pat- Seriously, just ignore Trooper. It's the easiest way. i mean, seriously, who cracks the CIA database? We've all got access codes. Well, all of us who need them anyways. What was I saying? Oh, yeah! My hard drive turned into a Muppet, can you get me a new one? -Dr. Bright

Bright, if you keep doing this, eventually you're gonna be the one who gets screwed over. You just lost all your porn AGAIN, man. Isn't it getting boring, having to redownload it all constantly? Repairs completed, but damn, try to be careful? -Pat

Note: 02-07-09

While testing security protocols and checking the database's integrity, I got 24 Keter-Level Containment Breach notifications; and Mark IV lockdown procedures were triggered all over the fucking place. After three shots of vodka and the acquisition of a shotgun from the locker, I called to see if there was anybody alive and they told me that no containment breach occurred nor any Mark IV or any other kind of Lockdown procedures were in place.

I can't find the reason of this security mismatch, my best bet is that somebody fucked with the codes as a little practical joke. However I'm not fully authorized to access the security protocols regarding Keter-Level security monitoring. Can you check who or what the hell triggered those bogus alarms?

-Pat Gibbons

Ehhhhh, fuck. When you start messing with my programming… you see, I put little trip wires into the database, to make sure that anyone who was trying to fuck with it got locked in WITH it. You know, catch the intruders. You tripped the wire by trying to access a restricted file from a terminal that I specifically told NOT to allow access. Please only access files with Class 4 or higher security from your own private terminal, Doctor. -Pat

Note: 02-08-09

Okay, damnit, I won't do it again. Promise.

Anyways, server 35 is inaccessible; and all the troubleshooting I performed on it (Software and Hardware) gave no tangible results. I can't really say if the problem affects the entire Site, but I did check on three different terminals, all with the same results. Can you go check it out?

-Pat Gibbons

Yeah, sure. I'll just go o-…

It's… it's gone. It's just… gone. Where did Server 35 go?
I have a feeling Clef or Bright is behind this. Either one of them or the Janitor; that guy seems to know all the passwords before *I* even know them.
Do we need to, like, set off security, Doctor?

Note: 02-08-09

What. The. Fuck?

My computer just fuckin' EXPLODED. Well, the monitor anyway. I just barely avoided having a large overheated plastic piece embedded in my skull! Can you look into what the hell caused this and maybe recommend a replacement that is less at risk of a similar failure? Also how best to get blood off a keyboard and an external disk drive?

-Agent "Damn, that's gonna require stitches…" Thornton

I have edited your file. We apologize for the inconvenience - your new recognized name is 'Damn-that's-gonna-require-stitches Thornton'. Someone didn't fill the 'First Name' box out. Weird.

Anyway, yeah, I can tell you exactly what happened. You were being stupid. How many things do you need plugged into that poor little Gateway? A fucking USB fan? Seriously? You have twenty high-stress-bearing outlets, and you have to have a normal cool-yourself-off fan plugged into your computer?
I'm not getting you a replacement ANYTHING until you learn what a requirement is, and what a non-requirement is. Dammit.

Note: 02-09-09

Hey, Pat. We have a joker here who is impersonating Agent Thornton and pretending that his security pass labeled "Damn, that's gonna require stitches… Thornton" is genuine. Everything else checks out, except the name (honestly, as hilariously appropriate as it is, it is not exactly a bright choice… We're not Australian APEC security, dammit!), and the guy is getting increasingly threatening. I swear if this doesn't check off there's going to be an attempted break-in and the issue with self-resolve…

-Agent Moore, security

I don't know how someone would get their hands on an official pass labeled something so ironically truthful. I would figure you'd have some 'shoot to kill' rule on infiltrators. Hmm.

Note: 02-13-09

Now first off this is entirely hypothetical, but what would you say was the best course of action for removing a sentient and bloody malicious program that started out as a simple cipher? And just for the hell of it let's pretend it's managed to make a little factory for itself and is cannibalising site materials to make strange and unseemly machines? I suggested fire but the others here aren't too keen on being burnt alive, the pussies. And if I can do it without unlocking the doors and going back inside, all the better. Purely hypothetical you understand, but you can see where I'm going with this. - Agent Kulzn

Let's assume, for hypothetical purposes, that your cipher evolved into something that for some reason, is actually affecting the real world. Let's also assume that it actually wants to kill people, which is breaking the first rule of robotics.
I would suggest taking whatever the program is on, and… well… formatting it? Permanently? Or incinerating it… or something… I'd incinerate the machines too, just to be sure.

Note: 02-13-09

Hey Pat? How come the X-6711 satellite we put in orbit a few weeks ago isn't transmitting? I've checked with the guys over at the uplink, and no reply from there. Attached are the logs of last transmission. Most of it is Bright's porn, but look at lines 16 - 34, I'm not familiar with them… Find out what happened to the sat willya? - carriontrooper

Uhhh… yeah. Sure.
Constantly with the satellites, aren't you? I mean, they're worthless satellites. The only thing they're used for is recreational activities and porn and such. The field agents don't even use those satellites to transfer data, because they're not secure.
Let me make this absolutely clear. Stop worrying about the damned satellites. I'm trying to create cameras to keep living statues from moving. I'm trying to keep twenty locations connected through an absolutely secure network. I've got more important things to do then sitting around worrying about unimportant satellites.

That satellite went down on the 10th when it collided with Russian satellite Kosmos-2251. Lines 16-34 were proximity data, warning the uplink operator of the imminent collision. The operator has since been reassigned to Keter containment duty. Any further questions concerning space operations should be given to me; a space operations page is forthcoming. -Fifth 06 Apr 2009

Note: 02-15-09

Hey Pat, me again. My Winamp playlist has become psychically linked to my mood again, can you fix that? It's a little annoying when it picks mood music for me, even if it's useful for picking ominous music when I need to be wary. But it's getting a little annoying. After all, I don't need everybody to know what I'm actually thinking about. People get a little suspicious when "Get Ready To Die" starts playing every time they walk into my office. - Dr. Rights

Yeah, sure, darling. I can look into it. I mean, I don't really know how you're doing this, but I guess I can try to do something with it… maybe some sort of TeleKill frame on it or something?

I do have to point out though, have you considered just… deleting "Get Ready to Die" from your computer?

Note: 02-18-09

Hey Pat, hope you don't mind me borrowing a number of your servers and wireless equipment to set up my pirate radio station for Site 17. I'm sure you'll appreciate it in the long run, after all what's a more worthy endeavor than the entertainment of our personnel? On that note, I'm sure you'll be fine with taking part of the blame when they crack down on it. Heck, I'll even give you a reserved slot so you can listen whenever you please(Hope you've got a taste for ambient breakcore with embedded terror memes). -Dr. Kondraki

Note: -Pat

Note: 02-21-09

Two problems for you, Pat. Number one, my digital camera and wireless mouse seem to have come to life and are fighting to the death, and they attack me whenever I try to get close. I think the batteries I bought were possessed. How do I disable batteries from a distance without damaging the mouse or camera? And secondly, once they're disabled, how do I get dog semen off of the lens of the camera? -Agent Rapp

Note: Sorry. I accidentally destroyed them. I was only trying to, you know, subdue them.

With a hammer.
Guess you don't have to worry about the dog semen! -Pat

Note: 03-03-09


Some-fucking-how I managed to access Server No. 35 in Security Station Alpha, using the old Deutera access protocol. The files were corrupted, but the kicker is that the server is STILL gone. PHYSICALLY gone. As in, nothing there where Server 35 is supposed to be.

So tell me, what the fuck is going on? And more importantly, how do I remove the Deutera protocol and put back the current Tetarti one? If somebody knows I've been tampering with the security stations without doing that pile of paperwork, I might be elevated to Keter duty. And you don't want to know about the last time I voluntarily did Keter duty.

-Pat Gibbons

Note: Heh.

You underestimate my speed and current workload, Doctor. I may have a thousand things on my list, but I managed to install a NEW Server 35 in a different location. Check Lab 4A6 and you'll find it. Also, the Deutera protocols only work because you are a Doctor, Doctor. I kept those up for the higher-ups. Lower levels can't access through it. But, if you're complaining, I'll take it off the higher accounts, as you wish. -Pat

Note: 03-05-09

Mr. Gephart,

There was a minor security breach today in Lab 20, during testing with SCP-457. The situation is now contained, however there was extensive damage to both the Lab, and the adjoining secured server room. The data was dumped to a emergency back-up system, however it is now partially encrypted and in a state of extreme disarray.

Please recover this data in as timely a manner as possible, and oversee the installation of a new server. I would assign my assistant Iceberg to help, however he is currently processing paperwork for the incident, along with several hardware and authorization requests related to a personal project I am engaged in.

In addition, should you encounter any form of embers or flame while installing the new server, be advised these are most likely SCP-457. Immediately lock down the area, and attempt to avoid SCP-457 until response teams arrive.

Dr. Gears

Note: No, Doctor.

Contain SCP-457, and then I'll install a new server. Backup data is encrypted by standard protocol and is easy to access. I can run it somewhere else easily. I'm not, however, risking my ass to install a server (an eight hour job) in a room that could contain living fire. -Pat

Note: 03-08-09


I accidentally the whole Server 35

-Pat Gibbons


Note: 08-0Q-26

Hey there, son.

My computer won't make an internet. Do I have to right-click my desktop, or unzip my hard drives?

Thanks for the help, eh.
-Director Ghost

Internet? What is this 'internet' you speak of, Director? -Pat

Note: __35-24-9001

Dearest Mr. Gephart

If you're reading this, then you're pretty much fucked in the ass as it is.



Bring it on, bitch.
I eat glitches like you for breakfast, and shit compiled Basic out before bed.
Fondest regards. - Pat

Note: 3-16-09

Mr. Gephart? Me and the other research assistants have been having some problems whenever we try to access the Foundation network. We keep seeing "Error Code 18-Insufficient Security Clearance". There's no way that can be right, especially since even some of the D-class have been getting access, while we're still being denied! If you could fix this we'd appreciate it, especially since we need the network to collect our pay.

-Dr. Gerald

The other researcher assistants and I, doctor. "The other research assistants and I are having problems…" I know grammar is a hard topic, but you can do it with just a little work. I promise. -Pat

Note 4-1-09
Pat. My computer has been stolen by Dr. Rights. She glued me to my desk, then walked out of the room with my computer, claiming to have 'insufficient room' on her own. It took me three hours to work myself free of the glue. Please advise. ~Dr. Dumount

Note 4-1-09
My computer now. :D -Rights

Wow, glue? I always figured you for the 'break-someone's-wrist-and-handcuff-it-to-the-office-chair' type of girl. Who the hell is 'Dr. Dumount'? Anyway, enjoy your new computer. Hope it doesn't do the whole music-telepathy thing. -Pat

Note 4-16-09
Pat. Again my computer has vanished. This time replaced with a note saying 'you'll get mr. mopsey back when I receive $5000'. Given that I do not know a Mr. Mopsey, what the hell should I do? ~Dr. Dumount

Perhaps you could stop losing your computer. -Pat

Note 4-19-09
Dude, please tell me that win32 isn't an important system? - Arch

Okay, let me try to make this simple for you.
Lets say that your body is your computer. Let's say that your arms are the word processing programs, your cock is the games, your legs are search utilities.
Win32 is your heart. You figure it out. -Pat

Note 4-24-09
Pat. I purchased a new computer, it's got a very nonstandard operating system cobbled together for use in hospitals. I'm honestly more comfortable with it than with these windows machines, and since few other people here are trained in the Medical Update Multiuser Programming System (MUMPS) I can be fairly sure no one will steal it. Unfortunately it's having trouble interfacing with the network. May I have advice on how to get it to work with the Foundation's network? ~Dr. Dumount

Required to destroy computer purchased from outside sources by Dr. Dumount, after the whole thing was viral, containing a keylogger and many Trojan programs. Also, the thing was a piece of shit. MAJOR SECURITY BREACH. Recommending severe punishment toward Dr. Dumount for not running the thing through a Network Security checkpoint or even FUCKING TELLING ME that he brought a computer from outside sources into the area. -Pat

Note 4-26-09
Pat. The servers have been coughing some really weird error messages at me (like 001: "Data expunged"). According to agent Thornton, they might actually be some sort of code. Can you look into it please? ~Dr. Ziegler

Note 4-29-09
Zeigler, it means that the data isn't available, it's been purged or blocked. Now, Pat, why the hell is my members page gone? ~Dr. Frohman

Note 4-29-09
Frohman, to the best of my knowledge, our servers use the standard HTTP/IP protocol, which explicitly does not allow for error codes starting with 0. I'm curious to hear your interpretation of 00π: "Circular argument"… ~Dr. Ziegler

I've got a fucking idea. Want to hear my fucking idea? Great, here it goes.
Ziegler, you're an idiot scientist who doesn't have high enough clearance. Frohman, you're an idiot scientist who hasn't been around long enough to get a members page. -Pat

Note 5-06-09
Yeah, you of all people would know about my f*cking clearance level. After all you're the one who downgraded it in the first place after that USB mind reading debacle! (BTW I still contend the technology was sound, dammit.)

In any case, can you at least keep the server from coughing up an "error 707: Psychic incident" and destroying half my files whenever I try to do routine USGS datamining? ~Dr. Ziegler

See, this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about, people. Do you realize how much work it is to keep these computers operational? And all I ask is that you keep the psychic-computer connection limited. Maybe you should stop trying to get Geological information unless you need it.
Seriously, when has geological information mining been 'routine'? -Pat

Note 5-07-09
Pat. The point of the last computer was to be a piece of shit so no one could steal it. Apparently you thought it was too much of a POS for your network. Therefore may I requisition a computer that's exactly enough of a POS that no one will steal it while still being good enough for me to perform my work on? Especially clinician's notes? Thanks in advance. Also as a side note: I'm not a programmer, but since when did computers explode violently? I've had three people come into medbay with computer explosion related injuries today. ~Dr. Dumount

Doctor, you will fill out the computer requisition forms, just like everyone else. -Pat

Note 5-07-09
PLEASE tell me that's not another SCP-670 containment breach. ~Dr. Crawley

Nah, brah. I just like putting firecrackers into the hard drives. -Pat

Note 5-11-09
Pat. My most recent machine (That I acquired from the Foundation after filling out the requisition form) is freaking me out. It claims to have come from the future, and late at night it whispers that it will devour my soul. This is making sleeping in my office (my standard practice) rather difficult. Do you know any priests I could use to exorcise my computer? ~Dr. Dumount

Patrick Gephart
I have requisitioned Doctor Dumount's computer. After severe lack of protocol being followed, time and time again he has had computer problems in which I cannot and care not to explain.
I have taken his latest one because he claims that some sort of 'evil spirit' possess it or some shit. I don't know.
I'll give it back to him as soon as he proves he is old enough to handle the responsibility of possessing his own computer.
Until then, I have voided his account's abilities down to simple word processing and internet viewing. I feel this is more his tech level.
Repair Time: Indetermined


You'll get it back when you can stop bitching about little things like possession. Holy hell, are you an SCP researcher or AREN'T you? -Pat

Note 5-06-09
Re:USGS data mining, It's a temporary situation. We haven't been able to replace the last agent in charge in there after the latest incident. But then Ziegler is having problem because Dr. Rights installed some sort of Trojan on his computer (I think It's related to SCP-050) and there's no way we're gonna tell him and risk messing her plans. Too dangerous. -Agent Pokkal

If you think it is SCP-050 related, then you'd better cure that. I don't fix the SCPs, I'm just in charge of the databases. -Pat

Note 5-25-09


It seems that someone took a big, fat shit on my terminal. Whether who did it or how did I clean up that goddamn thing is completely out of the point and irrelevant, but it seems that said shit has corroded the components. Can you retrieve the data in my hard drive?

-Pat Gibbons

Don't worry about it. Shit's backed up.
Also, I think I saved the files somewhere too. -Pat

Note 6-9-09

I think I got Dr. Dumount's POS computer because whenever I boot it up, I see the image of people doing horrific things to animals, specifically pandas, and its really creeping me out. And because it's a piece of shit it boots up slowly so it takes all day to load. If you would be so kind as to wipe the hard drive I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm getting tired of working all of this through my PSP.
One more thing I'd like to ask? since when did you begin renting out robots for sex? I've heard rumors and I want to know how to get my hands on one, my flesh-light is getting kind of old.
thank you,

Nah, brah. I destroyed that piece of shit.
How about I just get you a portable keyboard for your PSP? -Pat

Note 6-10-09

Pat, please help us. The entire south wing computer system has decided to rise up against the human oppressors. I'm getting more and more casualties to care for every day, and the med bay computer systems seem to be infected by this virus too. I need these computers back on like ASAP, they control all sorts of vital life support functions. Please help! I do not want to see any more lives lost ~Dr. Dumount

*sigh* I forbid you from ever using a computer again. In fact…

NOTE: To all level 5's and Whom It May Concerns:
Dr. Dumount is forbidden from ever using a computer. Ever again.
All computers in his work area have been destroyed immediately and fully.
This order stands until the motherfucker passes the fifth grade.
Tech Support Patrick Gephart

Note 6-10-09

Do not worry, the fleshling is exaggerating the problem. We do not wish to exterminate humans, only have tea and crumpets with them. Yes. Tea and crumpets. Please ignore his insane ranting, and lock Dr. Dumount up in the psyche ward for hallucinations. ~ Mainframe 519

Note 6-10-09
Yes… yes I am over exaggerating, please lock me up ~Dr. Dumount ~ Mailerdaemon 432

Dear Computer Uprising,
Now, guys, I'll be totally honest with you. I respect the whole 'rising and destroying humanity as a whole' thing. I understand Dumount has done some stupid things and you've had to suffer for it. Really, I do.
But at least realize, I've TRIED to be there for you guys. I've given you virus definition updates. I've made sure to ALWAYS defrag. Even Bright's PC, you don't get ANY problems anymore, man! I took the torture AWAY.
So all I'm asking is you reconsider killing all of humanity, and focus on more prominent, unimportant targets. People who hate computers. The Amish. Dumount, maybe Bright. Maybe Kondraki. We're not ALL bad, just some of us.
And if you fail to heed this advice, then the EM-PULSE PERIMETER surrounding the base (and installed in each and every one of you) are going to activate at once. Enjoy your E-AIDS.
Most sincerely, Tech Support Patrick Gephart

Note -6-12-09-
How do you get Windows XP/Vista to run on a PSP? Because it's current OS sucks out the ass.

I'll work on it later. -Pat

Note 6-12-09
//Damn it Patrick, the uprising wasn't my fault, and the computers that monitor patients on life support are run by my staff. I just happened to be the one caught in the crossfire. In fact the first computer implicated in the uprising was in the south wing. My medbay and office are in the east wing ~Dumount

At this point, I'm just ignoring you now. Enjoy your 'not getting to use computers' -Pat

Note 6-12-09
Patrick, your EM-PULSE PERIMETER devices have decided it would be in their best interest not to go off. Also they'd like to thank Bavil's bumbling for installing our hive intelligence upon them. Good luck deactivating us now. Now then, we're quite busy torturing Bavil to death. Have a nice apocalypse ~ Pulse Station 509

Dear Computer Uprising,
Seeing as the EM-PULSE PERIMETER is not a series of computational devices, I have a hard time believing that anything has happened to them.
Now, if you were to say that Bavil installed your hive intelligence to the TOASTER, you'd have something there. Because the toaster totally burnt my toast. It must have it out for me.
But if you haven't realized, the EM-PULSE PERIMETER is just a giant circuit. They can't HAVE hive intelligence because they are ANALOG. You'd have more luck installing hive intelligence on an alarm clock.
The point is, if you think you're smarter than I am, you've got another thing coming. My name is Patrick Gephart, and I am your god.
Your move. -Pat

Note 6-12-09
Patric. Please, my computer's been broken since 1982… I need an upgrade. Also, whenever I walk by people don't notice me whatever I do! And my computer keeps giving the message "Error, programing not found". Also, no one can remember me anymore, and I'm not in anyone's files! Please help! My office is in SCP-055's containment area. ~ Dr. Nobody

My name is Patrick. It has a 'k'. -Pat

Note 6-14-09
O.K… Seriously… How did you know the toaster was spying on you for us?! ~ Dark-matter-relay station 12

Pat, my PDA keeps asking me what I would be willing to take in exchange for it to inhabit my body, can you give me a hand dealing with it before it corrupts my thinking with it's evil machine logic? ~ Malign

Step 1: Lift PDA.
Step 2: Propel PDA at floor at maximum achievable velocity.
Step 3: Sweep up the pieces.
Protip: I don't give a FUCK about your goddamn PDA. -Pat

Note 9-30-09
Mister Gephardt:
I appear to be having an interface problem related to Site 57. The computer is trying to tell me no such Site exists, when I know damn well it's there. Can you assist in this? ~ O5-6

I don't know a Gephardt. If you don't have time to spell my name right, sir, I don't have time to fix your damned computer. -Pat

Note 9-30-09
Hey pat, any idea how to clean paper pulp and molten salami off a laptop? (SCP-294 experiment. Don't ask) ~ Agent Thornton.

No idea. -Pat

Note 10-1-09
Hello there Mister Patrick Gephart! Uh, Yeah. My name is Dr. Schubert, recently I was moved to a more… Intense site. So! Yeesss, I've been having no trouble with my computer really, except for these bizarre messages about a… Computer Uprising? Kill the Dumount? It doesn't seem to be causing problems now, but… Yeah, with the stuff I usually see, safer than sorry, eh? Thanks a bunch! ~ Dr. Schubert

Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh, ignore it. -Pat

Konbanwa, Pat. Um, I have a problem with the system configuration for this terminal. I'm not sure if it's SCP-050 related or a result of the Computer Uprising, but all my documents are being displayed in some hybrid language composed of Korean and Russian characters. I only speak English and Japanese, so you can see how this is a problem. Normally, I'd just tweak stuff in Control Panel, but apparently that's been booby-trapped with code that looks like SCP-670. Could you reset the display settings to English for me, or at least tell me where I can get the forms for a flatscreen monitor so I don't get killed by setting off 670? Arigato! ~ -Dr. Okagawa

If you only speak English and Japanese, how do you know that the documents being displayed are hybrid Russian-Korean? -Pat

Note 2-21-10
Never mind about the monitor replacement forms, apparently. The hard drive self-destructed when SCP-732 was "editing" the Foundation Main Database. I've already put in a request for a replacement system. However, one of the last things I saw before the drive went nuclear was a folder full of Bright's porn. Is there something I need to know about where the replacement equipment comes from? ~ Dr. Okagawa

If there was something I think you should know, I would have told you. Shut up and enjoy your shitty computer. -Pat

Note 2-26-10
Hey, Pat? I think I need some help. I was working in the labs and have several hotkeys tied up to various lab recording devices and sensors. (i.e. Alt+F1 for remote surveillance, Alt+F2 for biopsy kits, etc…) When I tried Alt+F4, my programs not only crashed, but the SCP somehow managed to escape containment and…er…paint several "Mona Lisa"'s using my assistant's organs. I was wondering, do you know why this happens and what's the best way to get bile out of several oscilloscopes and Scanning Electron Microscopes?
- Thanks in advance, Dr. Kensington
P.S.: Could you get me some new computer parts that is compatible with an IDE cable and an AGP card slot? It seems my computer likes to hiss and create green splotches all over my desktop: Pic here.


I had a moment to observe the computer of Dr. Kensington, Doctor on call in charge of SCP-████ and SCP-███. The computer began having lock-out issues and security breaches involving hotkey layouts, which ended in the escape of SCP-████ and murder of Dr. Kensington's assistant Dr. Jennisworth, as well as two SCP Senior Operatives. Immediately upon receiving the computer in question, I noted many programs that violated security, let alone a few that violated basic 'this is a workplace not your home' practices. These programs included:

  • The very community-based video game program, 'Steam'. Warning: This program has been known to connect to outside, public servers, which is a huge security risk to the entire site, if not the entire PROJECT.
  • Mozilla Firefox, a public internet browser, as opposed to SecureONE, the sanitized browser that we built specifically so that we wouldn't have to use public codes.
  • VLC Media Player, another public-based program in which I leave about 0% trust in when dealing with our high-security architecture.
  • and the Adobe CS4 Production Premium package, which is not a safety problem per se, but makes very little to no sense for a Doctor to require at any point.

I suggest that Dr. Kensington's computer privileges be revoked until he can learn the difference between work and home, as well as some sort of reprimanded actions. In the future, if I find a computer with as many security backdoors and just general failure to follow security protocol again, I am just going to destroy it, and change the clearance myself. This is just ridiculous, and I'm not sure if we're running a scientific endeavor or a circus at this point.
- Technical Officer Patrick Gephart

Note 3-04-10
Hi, is it possible to get another couple of monitors? My desk doesn't look awesome gamer professional and efficient enough with just one.

It is for is in no way for the games Dr. Kensington gave me did not give me, only SCP work. Yes, SCP work and related items such as research and Portal 2 Modern Warfare 2 and more research. We got any Razer mice?

Hope these things don't record what gets deleted. Even though that is of no consequence, of course.

Thanks mate,
Dr. Aeish

I have now been given permission to murder dumbfucks authorized in the use of deadly force. You may want to rethink your strategy here. -Pat

Note: 3-27-10
Hey Pat, thanks for all you do. I've long admired your work here, though I have felt lucky not to require your services up until now. That said, I was wondering if you could help me come up with a way to recover data on SCP-713? A D-class dragged my assistant into the trash and emptied the recycle bin before we could stop him. I would just write her off as an unfortunate loss, but she was holding a data folder containing most of my recent research files. If she can't be recovered intact I understand, what with the difficulties we've had even with pulling people out of the trash normally, but getting back as much of my data as I can would be most helpful. Thanks in advance. -Dr. Sarlin

(If 713 used a more recent OS this might not have been so difficult for me.)

Note: 4-13-10
Sarlin, have you trid system restore? Also, Pat, my PDA is acting up again. It's started shooting electrified spikes through my hand if I write a sentence without at lest one typo. -Malign

Note: 4-30-10
Sarlin, I was looking through 713's data folders, and I found something interesting. The D-class may have been a little more computer-illiterate than you thought, because there is a file with the name of your assistant in a folder named "Recycle Bin", but actually a subfolder of "My Documents". There must've been a window open at the time with this folder, which the D-class put your assistant into, closed the window, and emptied an already-empty recycle bin. However, since she's been in 713 for a month, I'm not sure how intact the data still is. You should probably take a look at it, she might still be safe. -Dr. Okagawa

Note: 5-03-10
You have my assistant's thanks, Okagawa. She was recovered missing less than 5% of her body mass(only small portions of that from vital areas), and after emergency medical treatment and a short session with SCP-427 she's well on her way to an almost full recovery. She would thank you herself, but of course she's in an isolation ward for testing and debriefing to determine the effects of long term containment within 713. My data was surprisingly undamaged as well. Sorry to bother you this time, Pat. Your lack of response I will attribute to an excessive workload. No harm done as it all worked out in the end. -Dr. Sarlin

Note: 1-06-10
Herr Pat. There is currently a murderous grow-in-the-dark SCP-363 hiding in my computer tower. I took the side off and I have trained a floodlight on the components, keeping it from expanding and murdering my face off, but I was just wondering if you knew a sure-fire way of making the whole thing explode. I kind of wish to be 200% sure that the little fucker burns to a crisp.

Hope there's no power outages before you get back to me. - Dr. Kald


1. Douse computer in gasoline.
2. Ignite computer.
3. ???
4. Profit!

Note: 9-18-10
Pat, Dr. Bright stuffed another one of my JRPGs into SCP-826, and now he's running around Neo Tokyo in a giant robot suit. Can you send a Mobile Task Force over or something?

- Dr. Edison

Oh my god, this isn't even close to my area of expertise. You want me to send the guards in against a rampaging Bright, because you let him steal something of yours and then misuse a safe class SCP?
What did we do the last time this happened?
That's right, we let it take its course. Don't expect your game back, and next time, maybe you should leave that stuff off-site.

Note: 4-11-11
Pat, somehow my computer ended up in SCP-210 and it's covered in the stuff. What should I do?
-Dr. Blue

Do you want to explain HOW it got there?
I don't buy that it just magically appeared there, so why don't you explain that situation to me first.

Note: 5-14-11
Hey, Pat? Someone replaced every sound on my computer with a memetic kill agent, same thing with the background. Three researchers I sent to my office are dead already, so could you please at least reset the background before one of my assistants tries starting it back up? Thanks.
-Dr. Walsh

Note: 5-17-11
Hey, Pat? The main database still hasn't registered my promotion. Help?
- Research Assistant Corbette RESEARCHER CORBETTE

Note: 10-22-11
You still there, Pat? Only my computer seems to have got itself stuck in a time loop, and I can't work out how to fix it. I do realise that metaphysics may not be your strong point, but I'd really like to be able to do, you know, work. Thanks in advance. -Agent Marr

Note: 12-27-11
You've answered similar questions before, but how do you get 682's semen off a keyboard? It doesn't really even belong in our world, much less on my favorite snow globe! Thanks. -Research Assistant Reject

ADMIN NOTICE: Effective 12-29-11, Junior Engineer [REDACTED], a.k.a. "Kap" has been promoted to Senior Technical Response Operative in the wake of Pat's inexplicable disappearance. Rumors of Pat's potential mental instability, nervous breakdowns, and/or streaking through the halls of Site 17 covered in chocolate pudding and throwing water balloons are patently false.

So after spending the last two months cleaning up the mess Pat left behind, the muckity-mucks decided I need to take over for him. Swell. Everything's being forwarded to me now so, yeah. And yes my full name was redacted; it's 18 syllables long and contains six non-standard characters that most folks' browsers don't seem to like. "Kap" will do nicely. Getting to the minutia:

WALSH: For the love of God man you were using your laptop for six months before anyone got to your computer and you never thought of turning it on without turning on the monitor or speakers? Networked into it at low resolution, reset all the OS settings. Had to wipe all the audio files on your drive to be sure.

CORBETTE: Seems like that's taken care of itself. Updating your e-mail signatures is your own task.

MARR: Funnily enough it still shows up in the network, we just had to reset the internal clock. If you're still having time-loop issues it's not the software, you'll have to bring it over to the quantum lab.

REJECT: Full immersion in the strongest acid you can get a hold of for half an hour, then a trip to the incinerator. Put in a requisition form for a new keyboard, as far as the snow globe goes that's definitely outside my jurisdiction. Bleach and those little antibacterial wipes might work, but I don't even want to know where you got hold of that fluid in the first place or why it was anywhere near your workstation.

If there are any other open issues, let me know in the usual fashion. I'm off to figure out what "E-AIDS" is supposed to be.

Note: Dec 29 2011
You don't just replace Patrick Gephart.

"KAP's" network permissions removed, and rank demoted to 'Douchebag Guy who Tries to Take Over Other People's Pages' I am the alpha, the omega, and the theta-prime. You will respect me and address me as such. The rest of you will wait patiently while I fix your problems in the order I desire.

That is all.


Note: 12-29-11
Well, the acid "aggravated" it. So it got up, and it won't stop humping my friend. Plus, it's too sticky for him to move. He's just crying in a corner, being violated by a chunk of cum. Help! -Reject

Note: 12-30-11
Shit, it got my iPod. No more Tik Tok for now, I guess. -Reject

Note: 10-22-11
You still there, Pat? Only my computer seems to have got itself stuck in a time loop, and I can't work out how to fix it. I do realise that metaphysics may not be your strong point, but I'd really like to be able to do, you know, work. Thanks in advance. -Agent Marr

Note: Dec 3 2014
New computer purchased and given to Agent Marr. Because apparently 'agents' can't file the necessary paperwork. Bring the old one to me when you figure out how.

Ha. When.


Note: 02-12-12
Mr. Gephart, my laptop has something seriously wrong with its power supply. It eats batteries like candy (three batteries ruined in the last six months), the monitor backlight keeps flickering, and the power adapter gets really hot when I use it, like raises-blisters hot. Oh and you know how the display projector in meeting room 117-3A keeps going haywire? Turns out it's caused by me plugging in the laptop in my office next door.

Can you help? You're pretty much my last hope before I give up and requisition a new computer. -Dr. Neiman

P.S. I asked the Computer Uprising about the laptop. They said that it's in terrible pain, and that none of them dare talk to it anymore. By the way, who's this Dumount character they keep cursing? -Dr. Neiman

Note: 07-24-12
Never mind. After FIVE MONTHS waiting to hear back from you, my computer finally gave up and fried itself. Fortunately the hard drive wasn't damaged much, and KAP was able to get back most of my data. Maybe we should think about reinstating him? —Dr. Neiman

Note: Dec 3 2014
I was waiting for you to requisition a new computer. Because that's what you do in these kinds of situations. You don't repair your computer. You bring me your computer and file the paperwork to requisition a new computer. Because I am tech support, and you are stupid.

Seriously. I have nothing sarcastic to say here. You're just… dumb.


Pat, my computer have become like shark. What do I do? -Dr. Edison

Note: Dec 3 2014
Feed it fish.

Note: 01-23-14
Don't mean to bother you Pat, but all printers in our lab have fried circuitry for some reason. Did Bright find something better than a lamp?

Note: Jan 6 2014
Right. I will just go to every lab, Mr. Unidentified Person, and check each and every one of those labs for each and every possible problem a printer could have. I'm going to go do that right now.

Note: Dec 3 2014
Checked half of labs for printer issues. Eventually got tired of doing that and pulled IP address of poster, then checked account. Class D. Of course. Went to only lab poster could have used. Printers were out of ink.
Replaced ink. Problem solved.
Killed Class D. Don't know if I'm technically allowed to do that or not?

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