When a surrealist gets murdered, and you eliminate the probable, what better tool to help than the Art of Abduction?
by Ethagon
DeCIRO Catalogue Number
SC-26/04-43/51
Document Type
Step Compilation (Year/Step Number)
Dates Received
Today
Operation Status
Closed
Foreword
Whatever shore mankind reaches, she acts out the story of the hero. Each new frontier a stage for our most familiar of patterns. Should we then not remove the board? Slaughter all the players and truly fly away?
What a ridiculous notion. Do not stop the question, but keep to the red rope. It is your anchor. Even my eye cannot fully grasp what wrong truths are out there, but I know it will be masked as another Meeting with the Goddess, a darkest hour before triumphant return in an old new veneer.
Better to stay close to the shore than trust in masked fish. Better to realise there is no way we can stop making sense.
Hereafter, we of Delta Command document the Steps of the Plan as transcribed by the Engineer of the Chaos Insurgency.
1.STEP 26/04
Murder
The stage is set. The day is won. Let the actors begin their play, and to all a good night.
The Numerologist, the Actor, the Abductor, the General against Sense, and a horse walk into a bar.
Actor (Friend): What a day that was!
General against sense: Place clocktower until horribly wrong.
Abductor: Elementary, but I would prefer to actually end it now.
Actor (Friend): Personally, I'm just glad the Soiling Craft didn't show up today.
Numerologist: First 20, then 15 and now 5.
Actor (Friend): Ah, but don't forget, we thought we were twenty-five in between.
Numerologist: Right, so it's 20 15 25 5. I have 5 gunshot wounds, divided that makes 4 3 5 1.
Abductor: (aside to a waiter) Four coffees and some hay for the horse, please. I'll take mine with banana flavour.
Actor (Friend): Ah, finally a 1 in your equations. Must be worth something.
Numerologist: No, I think we might need to worry. It's a 1 at the end. 4 3 5 1.
Abductor: Can't this wait till tomorrow? I'd rather not stretch this day any longer.
Numerologist: It has to. Don't you see this is the key? 4 3 5 1. This proves the methodology.
Abductor: Oh, don't give me that.
Actor (Friend): Careful, you are sounding awfully certain there.
Numerologist: You will see soon enough. 4 is just the number.
Abductor: Numerologist, you are already wounded; this is not the state for this inquiry.
Numerologist: Then it stands that 3 is the colour.
General against sense: (closes one eye) Shield speed everywhere, tension to paradigm star.
Everyone but the numerologist goes into cover.
Numerologist: The third colour, blue. And 5 is b–, 5 is ba–!
Caught by its own gravity, the N leaves the grounds of logic. Countless numbers all the same, but meaning assigned per strict paradigm, convulse around the Numerologist. The N cannot breathe, so constricted by numbers.
Panic sets in too late, reaching for agnostics, but the N is slowed by gunwounds, and the revelation of numbers overtake the N completely. Now barely visible from the ground, the N completes its transformation.
All of what it reasons collapses in on itself. The N implodes. When the dust settles, all that is left is a distant star.
Actor (Mourner): Only a day I knew you, yet I always feared this day would come. Ah, if only I was protector and those gunshots meant for me, or I your agnostics overdose. Let your death serve as a lesson for the tragedy of the surrealist who flew too close to their own conclusion. Let others learn from your mistakes, so your death was not in vain.
Actor (Miner): Mighty find here, folks. Looks like a new gnostic mine to me, let's take it apart.
All surrealists gather around the dead numerologist to take the remains apart block by block.
The group finishes their meal, the horse wanders off to deliver mail, and the check is paid.
Actor (Miner): I reckon we bring these packages back to Site-⌘, but it'll have to be tomorrow, I don't work overtime.
Abductor: Not so fast, gentlehorses and other associates. I believe there is a murderer in our midst.
Actor (Accused): A murderer, what makes you think that?
Abductor: A simple conclusion to reach through the art of abduction. If someone is dead, there is bound to be a murderer who killed him.
Actor (Accused): And you say it is one of us?
Abductor: I didn't say that.
Actor (Accused?): Uh.
Abductor: But frankly, this is an open-bar mystery. Anything throughout the day could have caused this, so it will be a lot easier if I just consider the five of us as the possible perpetrators.
General against sense: (sighs) Act on Lucifer's principle.
Abductor: Yessir. It's just as my mom used to say: When you have eliminated the improbable, whatever remains is close enough to the truth that you can call it a day.
Horse: (neighs)
2.STEP 26/30
Clues
There are yet steps to be taken, but the conflict is already won. Let the actors play it out nevertheless. Agent Simmons shall observe and run interference wherever they stray too close.
Catalogue Number: FR-26/30-451
Document Type: Summary Report
Author: Agent Simmons
Location: First, the coffee shop they started in, then the library (just a local one, not the Wanderer's)
Summary: I respect this assignment as a way to broaden my horizons and to be given a mission that challenges my observational abilities, but I still want to note that I am inexperienced in relaying more surreal happenings. I will try my best.
The first clue was the gunshot wounds. Since the surrealists had already disassembled the corpse, they used the Actor to play out an autopsy. (The Actor did not manifest wounds or other anomalous behaviour, but the act was theatre-worthy.) Apparently, they concluded none of the wounds were anywhere near any organs, one almost missed entirely. The Actor dismissed them as "more annoying than anything".
The Abductor wanted to consult the book of medication for additional insight. As this would have constituted a Grade-3 Wider Scope Bad Neighbour-Interaction, I intervened by notifying the coffee shop owner that some guests were objecting to the horse, so the group had to leave.
On the way to the library, the Abductor followed his own chain of logic that I will try my best to reproduce here:
The Numerologist had gunshot wounds at the end of the day -> Those wounds were received during the day -> The Numerologist was shot during the war against sense & today we were the only party of the war -> The Numerologist was shot by a surrealist; however a general does not shoot their own soldiers -> The Numerologist was not shot by a surrealist -> (something about blue pancakes, I didn't quite catch the relevance) -> The Numerologist was shot by an Insurgency infiltrator.
Then they made their way to the library. To the group's frustration, the library had no books on Foundation-Insurgency conflicts. The Abductor interrogated the General against sense about Insurgency interactions with the Surrealist Department, to which the only response was "Spiders level different tracks".
The Actor only remarked on the fact that the library had blue curtains and the insignificance of this fact. The horse defecated.
I fear I must upgrade the Bad Neighbour Interaction to Grade 4, though it remains within scope: After some research in biology books and music theory, the Abductor concluded that the Numerologist's third number (5) referred to the average number of bananas in a stalk. The action was too subtle for me to notice in time.
The consequences are unknown to me, but I suspect the library did not always hold four corridors.
My observations must end here. The possibility that I will be found through more Bad Neighbour Interactions or inadvertent surrealist actions, which I cannot predict, is too high.
3.STEP 23/50
Interrogation
Only one element left to exit stage left, and all will be well. Let's see if the actor can improvise or requires stage directions.
Interrogator: Abductor
Interviewee: Actor (Numerologist)
Notes: The first person to interview should always be the murder victim, after all, who could have a better understanding of the case? Me, naturally.
Actor (Numerologist): Have you figured out the numbers yet?
Abductor: All but one.
Actor (Numerologist): Well, you need to figure out seven!
Abductor: No, one.
Actor (Numerologist): Really?
Abductor: Yes, 4 3 5 1.
Actor (Numerologist): Right, my bad.
Abductor: Do you know who shot you?
Actor (Numerologist): Well, they were a pretty bad shot, given how they missed everything. Oh! And I know they were an Insurgent thanks to your notes.
Abductor: Anything outside my notes that might help us?
Actor (Numerologist): Well, I am the Numerologist, so you should probably look at the numbers.
Abductor: But what do they mean?
Actor (Numerologist): You're the detective, you figure out that 1 stands for the book of medication.
Abductor: (sighs) I will. I don't know why I agreed to this. This is pointless.
Interrogator: Abductor
Interrogator: Actor (Abductor)
Notes: I implicitly do not trust the Actor, who knows what they might be hiding? But I will deal with that later, right now it is of utmost importance that I interrogate the one person who could hide behind the investigation and so far completely slipped the mantle of suspicion: The Abductor.
Actor (Abductor): Here we are.
Abductor: Here. we. are.
Actor (Abductor): What is your favourite music?
Abductor: The letter K. Yours?
Actor (Abductor): 12-tone music.
(pause)
Actor (Abductor): Very suspicious. Suspicious.
Abductor: Suspicious. Very suspicious.
Actor (Abductor): Suspicious, you would find me suspicious.
Abductor: Oh? Have you figured out anything in this investigation, or maybe nearly hindered it?
Actor (Abductor) I know the numbers correspond to 4 blue banana book of medication!
A slightly dramatic shake goes through the walls.
Abductor: (narrows eyes) How do you know about the book? Only the Numerologist and I should know.
Actor (Abductor): (raises eyebrow) I am the Abductor. It was I who conducted the interview.
Abductor: Evidently.
Actor (Abductor): I do not know why you keep focusing on the numbers. The numbers killed the Numerologist, and this is a complicated case; they are therefore a distraction.
Abductor: What should my focus be then?
Actor (Abductor): The infiltrator, of course. I know for a fact that you, Mr. Actor, have conversed with Insurgents before.
Abductor: How did you find– Hold on, you're the Actor.
Actor (Abductor): Right, sorry.
Abductor: It's okay, it happens.
Actor (Abductor): Actually, I'm not. For this was now a trap. How would you know I am the Actor and not you? You sound quite certain to me about it.
Abductor: I am not at risk of ascension.
Actor (Abductor): Really? Because I have seen my investigation, and it sounded downright sensible to me at times.
Abductor: That's not fair. I'm sensitive to agnostics. I can't take as much as you or however much the General has going under that skin.
Actor (Abductor): (scoffs) Why not just overdose and develop a resistance to it?
Abductor: I fear I'm too sensible for that. I'm sorry.
Actor (Abductor): I'm sorry too. I apologise that I hit you.
Abductor: I forgive you. And I shouldn't have pushed you down the slide.
Actor (Abductor): It's fine. Can we still be friends?
Abductor: Yes.
They both hug.
The Actor inspects the Abductor's hair and pulls out a butterfly.
Actor (Friend): You should really take more agnostics. You are probably closest to following our dear N.
Abductor: The art of abduction is not all I'm about. I do try to make it wrong when I can. Aren't you worried? You're as old as Sequitur by the Numerologist's counting. Is there no truth that compels you yet?
Actor (Friend): Oh, I could never. Imagine being a planet. Dreadful. Why would I ever stop flying?
Interrogator: Abductor
Interrogator: Actor (General agai
Interviewee: General against sense
Notes: It is never easy to speak to the general. How could it, when he thinks on such a different level? The entire division plays checkers, while he is out there winning Tic-Tac-Toe. You have to have respect for a man who can wring the blood out of you and use every last drop to flush you down the toilet. Not someone whose bad side you want to be on, if he has any sides to him at all.
Abductor: Reporting for interrogation, sir. Of you, that is.
General against sense: No.
Abductor: Thank you. I have to admit, you are my prime subject right now.
General against sense: Maybe.
Abductor: Don't worry, it won't affect your position. We are planning to mutiny tomorrow regardless.
General against sense: Designate Object Class: Instinctual.
Abductor: It's just who else could have shot N? Noone has as much sense of the battlefield as you.
General against sense: The cold will win the winter's summer unless we perform Remis.
Abductor: Sorry, not sense. I should probably take my next dose now, I do have trouble interpreting you at the best of times.
General against sense: Uno.
Abductor: Of course! We know that a Chaos Insurgent is responsible, but not what their motive is.
General against sense: I'm all out of instructions. Just follow my orders.
Abductor: I can follow this through: If we do not know what bad intentions the Chaos Insurgency had, that can only mean they wanted to help us.
General against sense: Hidden teeth.
Abductor: You can trust me, I will abandon this lead immediately.
Interrogator: Abductor
Interviewee: Librarian
Notes: For any crime, you can never discount the possibility of outside interference. Why are we in a library?
Librarian: What is this? I don't know this room.
Abductor: I am solving this case by applying the art of abduction. Accordingly, I have abducted you.
Librarian: (panicked) What case?
Abductor: This is yet your domain, don't worry. But it is not you I want to talk to.
Librarian: (slightly less panicked) We're still in the library?
Abductor: I am here for the book.
Librarian: The book?
Abductor: Of medication.
Dust falls from the ceiling.
Librarian: That book on the table?
Abductor: You are the librarian. Talk to it.
Librarian: I can look if we have it in the catalogue if you like, but I–
Abductor: Yes, do that.
Librarian: Just let me get my–
Abductor: There is no need. Simply imagining what you think it would say would suffice.
Librarian: Imagining it?
Abductor: Yes.
Librarian: I– I'm not–, I don't–
Abductor: (blinks) Oh, of course. Thank you, and I apologise for the inconvenience. That will be all.
The librarian leaves the room.
Abductor: I will now talk to the book of medication.
The book stays there.
Abductor: Alright, keep your secrets.
There are cracks in the wall.
Abductor: We've cracked the pattern, you know. 4 3 5 1. You are last.
Another earthquake passes the library quietly by.
Abductor: Might that be… four blue bananas? And the book of medication.
The librarian vanishes through the gaps in the floor.
Abductor: Maybe we do need all to see? Next time, I should bring four blue bananas first.
The earthquake waves goodbye.
Abductor: What a mess.
It is still.
Interrogator: Abductor
Interviewee: The horse
Notes: Two more interviews, unless I am forgetting someone.
Abductor: Okay, horse. This is your time to shine.
The horse stares.
Abductor: I know you defecated in the library, and listen, that is not very nice. It's too loud.
The horse stares.
Abductor: I've cracked this case wide open, and there is only one lead that I am willing to follow.
The horse turns around.
Abductor: What are you staring at? This interview isn't over. Eyes on me.
The horse turns around, questioningly.
Abductor: That's a good stare, have an apple.
The horse eats the apple.
Abductor: I know the war's been hard, but you deserve it.
The horse huffs appreciatively.
Abductor: Nothing to it, next I should try the blue bananas and–
The horse: Bloody hell, I can't take this anymore. Aren't you supposed to be the smart one?
Abductor: Why, what's the matter?
The horse: It's me. I'm the spy.
Abductor: (skeptical) Now what makes you say that?
The horse: What makes you– I am the only bad shot on the team. I AM A HORSE. All of you have better gun training.
Abductor: (stunned) Wait, but… huh.
The horse: Did none of you think about questioning why a horse is there? Aren't you supposed to question anything?
Abductor: Okay, but a horse is fairly standard business.
The horse: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I– no, I'm done. I already sent the gnostics per mail, I don't need to bother with this.
Abductor: Why reveal yourself now?
The horse: I'm not supposed to let you get your head screamed off. That was your last question. The time for talking is over.
The horse injects itself with RED SIGHT. Its red-shot eyes are focused on signs only it can see. It ignores the Abductor as it gallops out of the room.
4.STEP 43/51
Chase
Very well then. Here are your next lines, listen very closely.
Catalogue Number: CO-43/51-000
Document Type: Covert Operations
Author: The Engineer
Location: The stage
The Plan:
- 1. Step Kick the General out the window. Make a hasty escape to the staircase before the Abductor can catch up.
- 2. Step Trip on the stairs and take the lantern with you. Before the Actor (Helper) escorts you out of the library, throw your ignitable hay-stack at the exposed electronics.
- 4. Step Thank the Actor while galloping away at half-speed. There might be Bad Neighbour interference with the plan, so check that the library is actually burning.
- 3. Step Enter the library. Ignore the warning General. The book of medication will answer your potassium-related inquiries.
- 🍌. Step Abort Plan. Use your emergency TNT. Engineer to be knocked out. Abort–
The Actor, the Abductor, and a half-blown away General against sense walk into a bar.
Actor (Friend): What a day that was!