At one point, orange-belt Christine Cooke (age 8) punches Bobble in the snout. The force causes him to fly through a structural beam and load-bearing wall at Mach 1.5, levelling the building.
| SPC-993: BOBBLE THE CLOWN SHARK |
|---|
| By: |
| Published on 13 Mar 2019 03:17 |
NOTICE FROM THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE COORDINATION AND PROJECTS OPERATION COMMAND OFFICE
Centre personnel may visit the Arena-19 Recreation Wing if they wish to view old episodes of Bobble the Clown Shark to increase morale.
Thank you for your loyalty.
—Nathan Jones, Commissioner, CICAPOCO
Search, Punch, Conquer.
| PROJECT: SPC-993 [ARCHIVED] | STATUS: INACTIVE |
Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities [DEFUNCT]
SPC-993 is an anti-Selachian propaganda program that the Centre uses to indoctrinate children under the age of 10. It is responsible for teaching pugilism and Deviant martial arts to children and training them under the Centre's mission.
Viewers of SPC-993 over the age of 10 experience feelings of joy, amusement, and satisfaction. This is not believed to be a result of direct viewing: These are common side-effects of witnessing Selachian pugilism in action.
Specific Project Components
Still image from an episode of SPC-993: “Bobble Gets Berated Mercilessly by Lobsters and Other Such Crustaceans”.
SPC-993 consists of a single component: Bobble the Clown Shark, a children's animated television program produced originally by FINIMATION Studios starting in 1949.
SPC-993 features the titular character — a Sand Tiger Selachian (Carcharias taurus) with ambulatory tailfins — in his day-to-day activities as a stockbroker and moneylender. Episodes involve Bobble engaging, unsuccessfully, in insurance fraud and other business scams and becoming a victim of violence when discovered.
Because of Centre augmentation, Bobble does not react adversely to pressure and is seen grinning and laughing in most scenes. Bobble persists despite his injuries; all damage incurred to Bobble1 heals between episodes and scene transitions.2
Augmentation Summary
The Centre came to purchase FINIMATION Studios in 1953 and worked to alter the series to feature Bobble's humorous mistreatment by different humans and aquatic entities.
By use of metanarrative pugnātorial techniques, Centre pugilists were able to coerce Bobble under duress and convince him to co-operate. Between 1953 and 1969, 416 animated Bobble the Clown Shark shorts aired on numerous syndicated television stations. The show acted as an educational comedy that teaches children the proper ways to fight, build muscle, and engage in Selachian pugilism, often narrated by Bobble himself.
Deployment Record | Episode Log
| Episode Title | Contents |
|---|---|
| “Bobble Pretends To Be the IRS” | Episode takes place in a large call centre, where Bobble communicates with several people via telephone. He speaks with an elderly woman in an attempt to convince her to release credit card information. The woman punches him through the phone receiver, breaking several teeth. The office manager, noticing his scam attempt, convinces a mob of angry coworkers to beat him to a pulp while the Benny Hill Theme plays. |
| “Bobble Gets Beat up by Moby Dick While Captain Ahab Watches” | Episode takes place in the Wanderers' Library.3 Bobble steals the book Ponzi Schemes for Fuck-Knuckles and is apprehended immediately. The episode involves a Librarian gathering fictional pulp and comic-book characters from their original publications, after which they engage in corporal punishment against Bobble. This occurs for an ensuing three hours4 while Bobble laughs uncontrollably. |
| “I Burn Bobble's Toast Bread” | This episode (directed, produced by, and starring me) involves Bobble entering my kitchen while my owner is sleeping. After wasting a few minutes trying to break into my owner's security cash box, he loots their fridge and places two slices of whole-wheat bread into my slots. I burn his toast and force it down his throat. There was some kind of laugh track playing, I think? Next episode, I get plugged in and thrown into a bathtub while he washes up. Squirm, baby, squirm. |
| “Sensei Says: Punch Bobble!” | Episode takes place in an all-girls karate class. The class involves a warm-up, kata demonstration, and sparring session all narrated by Bobble, who acts as both the class sensei and punching bag. Throughout the class, the 23 attendees conspire against Bobble, leading to a 10-min showdown between him and the girls. At one point, orange-belt Christine Cooke (age 8) punches Bobble in the snout. The force causes him to fly through a structural beam and load-bearing wall at Mach 1.5, levelling the building. No children were harmed in the production of this episode. |
In 1969, all further airings of SPC-993 emitted a “squaloidhazard”5 produced by the character Bobble after years of torment. Viewers under the age of 10 affected by the hazard became enraged by the concept of Selachians and sought means to pummel them. To the Centre's luck, this compulsion ceased after the program ended — though, the feelings persisted.
Bobble the Clown Shark was taken off the air, and all copies of the show were burned. SPC-993's master copies remain in CICAPOCO Archives.
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Update
In February 2017, all episodes of SPC-993 were altered simultaneously, edited en masse to no longer include the titular character. The next day, Deviant television programme The Chappell Show — hosted by Richard Clavis Chappell, a critically-acclaimed Selachimorphic television entrepreneur and Mud City resident — broadcast a low-budget CGI reboot of Bobble the Clown Shark daily for 12 hr each day.
The reboot features Bobble advocating for activities Selachians can and should do on land, such as driving pick-up trucks, teaching interpretive dance classes, running for Congress, and [REDACTED — HEAVYWEIGHT PUGILISTS ONLY] hugging puppies. [/REDACTION]
…
ATTENTION: ALL CENTRE PUGILISTS
Bobble the Clown Shark is in COWABUNGA, DUDE!!!-Level Danger.
We need YOUR help to get him back from the Deviant menace. To do this, we need a hardened fighter with FISTS OF STEEL. To prove your worth, all you need to do is 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and 100 squats, and drink a peanut butter & banana chocolate protein shake. But you gotta be quick so that Bobble can get back on the air and teach these kids karate!
Once you have read this document, please report to your Fitness Centre. Long Island Iced Tea will be administered when you get there. HURRY!