NOTICE FROM THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE COORDINATION AND PROJECTS OPERATION COMMAND OFFICE
The following article is outdated. Please refer to PROCEDURE: GET THE BASTARD BACK for further instructions on operations.
The following document is classified APHOTIC, any personnel reading this document without the proper clearance will be labeled as selachian collaborators and terminated via the strongest penalties imaginable: the strong right arm and fist of a patriot.
Search, Punch, Conquer.
SPC-7000.
Project #: SPC-7000
Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: SPC-7000 is to be deployed to the field as part of Marine Fighting Team Theta-7000 (“Unfortunate Suns”), where his deviant capabilities are to be put to use in the field against the Sharkicist menace.
Project Component(s): SPC-7000 is a Selachian Pugilism Deity (SPD) known as Mr. William Wettle. Despite his apparent ineptitude at selachian pugilism, William has consistently proven himself to be a valuable Centre asset ever since he was ethically sourced from his base reality by SPC-6269. Any selachian wretch he has come into contact with to date has been neutralized in a variety of explosive ways, leading the center to believe that he is a divine entity of selachian pugilism.
Experiment Report
1 September, 2022
Foreword: The experiment to recruit additional agents into our reality in order to further our prosecution of the war against all selachian entities currently at large was first tested at Arena-601 in Miami, Florida. As you can see below, it was a rousing success. Long live the Centre. Down with the Selachian menace.
[An empty space nearly 15 meters in diameter with grating as flooring, joined to metal struts with grounding materials at all joints. Arcs of electricity are clearly visible traveling between power nodes set into the floor and ceiling with power cables trailing off camera providing power. The bolts of electricity repeatedly crash together in impacts causing 165 dB of sound. A small group of agents sit in a protected observation deck above, shielded from the electricity and sound. The bolts increase in frequency until separate impacts cannot be discerned, causing reality within the center of the room to distort and then tear open showing a dark tunnel of concrete. A middle aged man, slightly overweight and disheveled in appearance runs down the concrete corridor and trips, flinging himself head long into the breach and passing through into our reality.]
Unknown man: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!
[The man falls a meter and a half to the grating, skins his knee and immediately starts cursing and hopping around on one leg. The breach closes and the electrical bolts cease arcing around the room.]
Unknown man: Son of bit–-
[The man stops hopping and looks around with a confused look on his face.]
Unknown man: What the fuck just happened?
[The fire alarm goes off and the sprinklers begin cascading stagnant water down onto the man.]
Unknown man: Typical.
Interview with the SPD
Foreword: This interview took place directly after arrival and before SPC-7000’s incredible abilities in selachian pugilism were discovered.
SPC-7000: Hey, you, where the hell am I?
Agent Delaneaux: You, sir, are in the belly the most advanced selachian pugilism organization known to mankind. We are the guardians of the land from the treacheries of all selachian entities, but especially Sharkicists.
SPC-7000 again. Glorious, isn’t he?
SPC-7000: Sela-whats?
Agent Delaneaux: Selachians.
SPC-7000: And what are those, exactly?
Agent Delaneaux: Long sleek swimming organisms, rows of teeth, often with a long high fin on their back. Gray slippery skin. No bones. Weak. But also dangerous. You know?
SPC-7000: No, I have no ide– wait, do you mean sharks?
[Agent Delaneaux begins vomiting on the floor. She gasps and chokes down some water.]
Agent Delaneaux: [coughing] Never say that word.
SPC-7000: Which word? Sha–
[Agent Delaneaux stuns the SPD with a judo chop to the neck. He loses consciousness.]
…Four Hours Later
[SPC-7000 is bound to the chair he is sitting on, he has a rubber ball gag in his mouth. As he is starting to come to, he blinks in surprise and tries to speak.]
SPC-7000: [unintelligible mumbling]
Agent Delaneaux: I apologize for the rough treatment, but we cannot allow anyone to say that word. You will be released when we trust you understand the gravity of this prohibition. Only a selachian sympathizer would say that word. Are you a selachian sympathizer?
[SPC-7000 shakes his head.]
Agent Delaneaux: Good. Before I knocked you out, you asked where you were. You are in Sechalian Pugilism Centre-106, in Miami, Florida, the United States.
SPC-7000: [groans]
Agent Delaneaux: If you promise to respect the 'no saying the s-word' rule I can let you out. Are you going to follow the rule?
[SPC-7000 nods animatedly.]
Agent Delaneaux: Alright, I am trusting you. The next time, I won’t be so nice.
[Agent Delaneaux loosens the gag.]
SPC-7000: Did you say SPC?
Agent Delaneaux: Yes.
SPC-7000: And what it is you do? Contain the… uh… selachians?
Agent Delaneaux: Contain? No. We don’t contain them. Why would we want to do that?
SPC-7000: To study them?
Agent Delaneaux: Disgusting.
SPC-7000: Alright, so what do you do to them?
Agent Delaneaux: We punch them.
SPC-7000: Jesus. Take a chill pill.
Agent Delaneaux: I ran out.
SPC-7000: Alright. Anyway… what is it you want with me? You don’t like need super strong sperm for super soldiers, do you?
Agent Delaneaux: No. Why would that make super soldiers?
SPC-7000: Too bad, you’re very pretty. Fine. Then what is it?
Agent Delaneaux: We witnessed your incredible abilities through SPC-6269 and we have decided to use your gifts.
SPC-7000: What gifts? I’m cursed!
Agent Delaneaux: We know, what an interesting ability! We are going to utilize your entropic relationship with probability against a vanguard of selachian entities moving towards the eastern seaboard.
SPC-7000: How do you intend to do that?
Agent Delaneaux: By dropping you from a plane like a bomb.
SPC-7000: Well… at least that’s original.
Operational Report
2 September, 2022
Foreword: SPC-7000 will be utilized through aerial bombardment to poison the approaching selachian horde with entropic probability.
[SPC-7000 is bound at the hands and feet, standing at an open cargo door of a SPC Airforce Chinook helicopter. Agent Delaneaux is secured to the floor with a safety harness and holding the release for a similar harness wrapped around SPC-7000.]
PA Announcement: Sixty seconds to target!
Agent Delaneaux: I would say it was a pleasure, but please know your sacrifice will be remembered.
SPC-7000: My anomaly doesn’t even work this way! I can’t explode anti-luck over anyone!
Agent Delaneaux: Our pugilism specialists think it will work. You’ll detonate into a blood geyser and your deviant ability will seep into the selachian horde. It really is good work you do today.
SPC-7000: Blood… geyser?
Agent Delaneaux: Yes!
PA Announcement: Drop zone achieved!
SPC-7000: Please. Don’t do this!
Agent Delaneaux: Good luck, Mr. Wettle!
[Agent Delaneaux triggers the release and SPC-7000 flies out of the cargo door screaming.]
SPC-7000: It’s doctorrrrrrrrrrrrr!
[External cameras follow the falling SPC object as he plunges down the three hundred meters to the surface of the ocean and the massive horde of selachian entities. On impact, a geyser of water nearly fifteen meters high is produced.]
Agent Delaneaux: [speaking into her radio] Circle around and bring us lower!
[The Chinook circles the impact site and reduces its elevation. External cameras register several smaller geysers of water as the aircraft lowers, followed by explosions of blood and viscera. As the Chinook hovers around ten meters above the surface of the water, the geysers of water cease and surface of the ocean is covered in floating bobs of selachian flesh and organs. SPC-7000 bursts from the water, coughing and covered in blood and viscera.]
SPC-7000: Get me out of here!
Afterword: Not one selachian entity survived the events described above. Despite all indicated likelihoods, SPC-7000 not only survived the impact but succeeded in neutralizing all selachian entities. Given his apparent lack of training in selachian pugilism, this will need to be tested. I am recommending against utilizing Mr. Wettle in this fashion any longer. We need to see if this event can be replicated. There were more than three dozen selachian entities in that horde, and he neutralized them in less than two minutes. Amazing.
- Agent Delaneaux
In the days following the above recorded events, Central Intelligence Coordination approved a series of tests gauging SPC-7000’s combat efficiency against selachian entities. Despite the evidence recorded by Agent Delaneaux's mission, Operational Command harbored skepticism as to SPC-7000’s abilities. Having observed the events centered around him in his baseline dimension, Command could not understand how he had survived let alone stood victorious against the selachian menace.
SPC-7000 Combat Efficacy Trial
4 September, 2022
[SPC-7000 stands on a platform suspended above an Olympic sized saltwater pool. Armed guards stand on the only egress from the platform, a raised walkway attached to the wall.]
SPC-7000: What is this?
PA Announcement: Good morning, Mr. Wettle!
SPC-7000: I’m a fucking doctor!
PA Announcement: Right, apologies. I’m adding a notation to the file. My name is Dr. Kendrick, I’m a Selachian Pugilism expert at the Center. Nice to meet you. So, have you recuperated from your last mission?
SPC-7000: When your agent dropped me a hundred meters from a helicopter into several dozen sh… selachians? That mission? Yes, I’ve 'recuperated.' [SPC-7000 made air quotes around the last word.]
PA Announcement: Terrific! We’re all really excited to see what you can do here today!
SPC-7000: Sorry, what’s happening?
[A gate in the wall opens under water, letting a large selachian entity into the main body of the pool.]
SPC-7000: No, seriously. What’s happening?!
[The platform SPC-7000 is standing on splits in two, opening up and allowing him to fall into the salt water. He screams. He is seen splashing around wildly and gasping for breath.]
[Underwater cameras are utilized to record the movements of the selachian and SPC-7000. The selachian swims towards him, mouth open to reveal eighteen rows of teeth, and the tentacles stretching from its rearmost section stretch out to catch hold of SPC-7000. Just as the first tentacle is about to wrap around SPC-7000’s arm, he whips his arm away screaming, tearing the appendage from its body. The selachian recoils in pain then swims in a circle slowly closing on SPC-7000. His arm flails about again, catching the selachian under the mouth, visibly cracking the jaw in two places and sending clouds of blood and teeth flying through the water.]
[The selachian stops circling and rushes SPC-7000, who kicks out in a panic. SPC-7000's left foot impacts the selachian directly behind its right eye, causing a catastrophic loss of cohesive structure to the skull.1 The resultant explosion of water from the impact reached over six meters in height from the surface of the water.]
[SPC-7000 begins moving to the edge of the pool by performing a sloppy dog paddle. He drags himself from the water and collapses on the concrete walkway surrounding the pool, coughing up water and some blood.]
SPC-7000: I. Want. To. Go. Home.
Afterword: Several more tests have been omitted for brevity from this record – although a full record can be reviewed upon request. SPC-7000 performed a similar feat in each of the other tests, eliminating a selachian without any injury to himself through seemingly flailing and awkward strikes. Testing on land against another humanoid opponent revealed almost zero combat training.
It seems SPC-7000 is one of those rare naturals at selachian pugilism – a deity level pugilist. When he strikes a selachian entity while in the water, his strikes have the combined force of over 9000 PSI. There is no explanation for this, other than his unique “anomaly” as he calls it. We think there must have been some interaction with the dimensional barrier when he was ethically sourced with SPC-6269. Either way, Command isn’t looking this gift seahorse in the mouth. It’s time to start utilizing him.
- Dr. Malcolm Kendrick, Selachian Pugilism Researcher
Second Interview with the SPD
4 September, 2022
[SPC-7000 is drying his hair with a towel and is wrapped in a terry cloth robe. He has apparently been unable to get both his arms through the sleeves and has just draped the rest of the robe over his lap in an attempt at modesty. This has failed and his boxers are still visible.]
Agent Delaneaux: Good morning, Mr. Wettle. That was pretty impressive selachian pugilism.
SPC-7000: It’s doc… oh forget it. What’s good about it?
Agent Delaneaux: You’ve just shown incredible aptitude for anti-selachian martial arts, William.
SPC-7000: The what now?
Agent Delaneaux: Art of fighting selachian entities underwater. We fight them with our fists, and our feet. Like you did.
SPC-7000: Yeah… um… What happened back in the pool actually?
Agent Delaneaux: You vanquished a selachian! And very quickly, I might add.
SPC-7000: I don’t understand what is happening here.
Agent Delaneaux: You’re being recruited!
SPC-7000: Is that a euphemism?
Agent Delaneaux: No. A euphemism for what?
SPC-7000: Kidnapping!
Agent Delaneaux: No, I definitely meant recruiting.
SPC-7000: Oh, good. Glad that was cleared up.
Agent Delaneaux: Me too.
[SPC-7000 stares at the agent for several minutes before finally clearing his throat, which leads to a lengthy coughing fit. He falls from his chair and the robe gets caught on the chair back, dropping him on his posterior and leaving him only clad in wet boxers. The agent helps him up and wraps him awkwardly in the robe again.]
SPC-7000: Sorry… so, what were you saying about recruitment?
Initial assessment from the Selachian Pugilism Research Division estimates that despite the near total selachian casualty rate of any SPC-7000 deployment, he also has a PPK ("Punches Per Kill") ratio of nearly 70 – which is dramatically higher than the most advanced pugilism on display by our most accomplished operatives and highly conductive to the Centre's mission.2
Operational Command approved the proposal to utilize SPC-7000’s surprising selachian pugilism capabilities along side the newly formed MFT Theta-7000 in support. The following is a record of the first operation involving the MFT and SPC-7000.
Mission Transcript Operation Θ-7000-1
6 September, 2022
Foreword: Underwater sonar drones in the Indian Ocean detected a selachian force approaching an SPC mobile fortress. SPC Kitezh3 is a reinforced battle barge, housing over six thousand personnel and over one hundred attack submersibles and aircraft, having been in service since 1967. The mobile fortress has been the primary defense point for the Indian Ocean since 2005, with the personnel being responsible for dozens of combat missions against the selachians. Operational Command ordered MFT Theta-7000 to mobilize and assist in the defense of the fortress.
Personnel Present:
- Fathom-Alpha (Commander)
- Fathom-Beta (Second in Command)
- Fathom-Gamma (weapons specialist)
- Fathom-Delta (pugilism specialist)
- SPC-7000
SPC Kitezh in an anti-selachian mission twelve miles off the coast of India, March 2009.
<Transcript begins.>
<Theta-7000 approach the operational zone in their modified Chinook helicopter. SPC Kitezh is visible on the cameras mounted to the underside of the helicopter, rocking slightly from the attacks below the waves. Numerous bodies of Centre personnel are floating on the surface of the water, surrounded by pools of blood. Automatic weapons are fired into the water from the weapons deck, and even as the helicopter begins to hover above the water, several teams of pugilists plunge into the water in their battle skin-suits4 armed with pugilism enhancement equipment such as sonic knuckles and reinforced arm guards. The automatic weapons stop as the pugilists enter the water to avoid friendly fire.>
F-Alpha: Listen up, idiots, this is the deal. You’ve been briefed, you know what’s at stake. We cannot let the mobile fortress fall to the selachian forces.
F-Gamma: Permission to man the guns on this bird, I can do more from the air.
F-Alpha: Granted.
<Alpha turns to Delta and Omega.>
F-Alpha: You two ready?
F-Delta: Yes, ma’am! Fortis et liber!
SPC-7000: Sorry, what are we doing?
<All four of the MFT agents turn to look at SPC-7000.>
SPC-7000: What?
F-Beta: You weren’t paying attention in the briefing?
SPC-7000: I was really trying but something about the way the commander’s voice droned on put me to sleep.
F-Alpha: I know you’re not usually on these sort of deployments—
SPC-7000: I don’t know, been happening a lot lately.
F-Alpha: But I won’t tolerate insubordination like that.
SPC-7000: I wasn’t being sarcastic! I got to the mention of the boat and I nodded off.
<Alpha sighs and rubs her eyes.>
F-Beta: Just get in the water and punch some selachians. Can you do that?
SPC-7000: Apparently, but I’m not really sure how it works. What if it’s just been a happy accident so far?
F-Alpha: Lot of experience with those?
SPC-7000: No.
F-Alpha: That’s what I thought. We going to have a problem here?
SPC-7000: All I’ve got is problems, last night I slipped on a–
<F-Alpha pushes SPC-7000 out the door, he screams all the way down the fifteen-meter drop to the water.>
SPC-7000: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
<SPC-7000 emerges from the water coughing. F-Alpha, Beta, and Delta splash down near him and point towards the mobile fortress. SPC-7000 shakes his head.>
F-Alpha: What’s the problem now?
SPC-7000: That’s the second time someone has dropped me out of an aircraft into the water since I got here. I am sick of it!
F-Beta: Just get out there and get punchi–
<Beta is dragged down into the water, screeching in pain. Blood fountains up around the remaining members of the team.>
SPC-7000: Shit! FUCK!
F-Alpha: Let’s go, no more lollygagging!
<Delta dives under the water, Alpha following him. SPC-7000 looks around him. Several Centre pugilists are balanced on an emergency floatation device, missing limbs, bleeding copiously, and moaning.>
SPC-7000: This is a nightmare! I’m asleep! That’s it, this is just a nightmare! Wake up, William. Wake up!
<A selachian entity rises from the water directly in front of SPC-7000, approximately two meters away. Tentacles ending in coral spears whip through the surface of the water and reach for SPC-7000.>
SPC-7000: Oh, come on!
<One of the tentacles rushes into towards SPC-7000’s face, which he deflects with flailing hands.5 SPC-7000 slaps with both hands, striking several tentacles and causing them to be caught up in a twisted knot and shattering three of the coral spears. SPC-7000 kicks out trying to create some distance between the selachian and himself, and his foot strikes the body of the selachian, crushing its ribs and causing blood to burst from its mouth.>
SPC-7000: Get away from me!
<SPC-7000 slaps down on the selachian’s head and causes the entity’s head to cave in between the eyes.>
<SPC-7000 waves his hands in the air, shaking loose most of the blood from the selachian.>
SPC-7000: Okay. Maybe there’s something to this.
SPC-7000 proceeded to eliminate twelve more selachian entities single-handedly, and proved to be the turning point in the engagement, managing three times the kills as the most senior pugilists and weapons specialists onsite.6
<SPC-7000 lays on his back at the edge of the vehicle platform at the top most layer of the ship, feet dangling off the side. His eyes are closed, and his breathing is labored. A shadow crosses over his face and torso. SPC-7000 does not open his eyes>
SPC-7000: What now?
F-Alpha: How did you do that?
SPC-7000: I climbed the ladder on the side of the ship and then laid down.
F-Alpha: What?
SPC-7000: What?
F-Alpha: Are you stupid?
SPC-7000: I have a PhD.
F-Alpha: Congratulations. Now answer my question.
SPC-7000: I am not stupid.
F-Alpha: Then why do you act stupid?
SPC-7000: It’s a long story. Where I come from it’s good to keep people away from me.
F-Alpha: Good for you? Or for them?
<SPC-7000 shrugs, squinting up at the MFT agent.>
SPC-7000: What’s your actual name?
F-Alpha: Maria Salazar, MFT Captain.
SPC-7000: Nice to meet you, Maria. My name’s William.
F-Alpha: So, how do you fight them like that?
SPC-7000: The sha– selachians? I don’t really know. I just do.
F-Alpha: Never seen anything like it. How many did you kill – ten?
SPC-7000: Twelve maybe, I’m not sure to be honest.
F-Alpha: Incredible. You were born to do this. You must be a great fighter in your home reality.
<SPC-7000 laughs hard, then chokes and starts coughing, almost falling off the ship. Alpha catches him and brings him more solidly onto the platform.>
F-Alpha: And apparently, also an accident waiting to happen.
<SPC-7000 starts laughing again.>
END OF LOG
In the months that followed this initial operation, SPC-7000 and his assigned MFT were mobilized on sixteen occasions, each time performing admirably. By December 2022, SPC-7000 had neutralized more selachian entities than any other single pugilist in the Center’s history – in the space of only three months.
Shortly after SPC-7000’s official recruitment to MFT Theta-7000 and placement on active combat rotation, several apparent assassination attempts were made on his person by selachian allied human cultists and several times by Sharkicist enhanced anomalies. Though all failed, Operational Command grew increasingly concerned by the pattern of attempts. Given the secretive nature of the Center’s forces at the MFT level, Command came to the understandable conclusion that selachian espionage was to blame. Security was tightened up, and SPC-7000 was treated as a VIP asset when not on active duty with several layers of defenses arrayed around him at all times.
Mission Transcript Operation Θ-7000-10
30 October, 2022
Situation: Attack on the North Pacific American Deepwell Defense Station7 by selachian forces seemingly mutated by SPC-2191, including a thick layer of chitin along the length of their bodies, making them extremely resistant to normal pugilism techniques.8
Intervention: SPC-7000 and the MFT forces repelled the main selachian force while the Station’s defense personnel were able to fight off the limited numbers of hostile entities not engaged in pugilistic confrontations in the water.
Outcome: The Station defenses held and the entire force of selachians were prevented from causing lasting damage. Only 10 personnel of the over three thousand permanently assigned to the Station were lost. The following is an accounting of selachian casualties:
- Crushed skulls (14)
- Asphyxiated9 using their own tentacles (3)
- Exsanguinated due to puncture wounds from pugilism related techniques by SPC-7000 (10)
- Killed by Defense Station weapon embankments (13)
- Enucleation by SPC-7000’s thumbs (4)
- Disembowelment by pugilism (6)
- Cardiac arrest (1)
SPC-7000 suffered minor injuries but accounted himself well and was returned to active duty within an hour of the close of hostilities.
Debriefing:
<Transcript begins.>
F-Alpha: Holy shit, Wettle. What’s your kill count now?
SPC-7000: No idea.
F-Alpha: Statistics is estimating over fifty selachians dead, with no escapees. Less than fifteen of those were from the Station’s weapon pods.
SPC-7000: Uh huh.
F-Alpha: Jesus, man, stop being modest, I only got like three of them out there and that last almost took off my leg.
<Alpha indicates the torn legging of her wetsuit and the tightly wound bandages on her thigh.>
SPC-7000: What are you, my hype man?
F-Alpha: Oh I see, it’s the reserved reluctant hero thing. I get it.
SPC-7000: No! Jesus, no. I just don’t know what to say. I’m not used to being noticed, let alone celebrated for my competence.
F-Alpha: Damn, sounds like home isn’t great.
SPC-7000: I’ve got friends… I guess. And my work is important.
F-Alpha: What did you do?
SPC-7000: Research.
F-Alpha: Combat techniques? I know you don’t have selachians, but you’ve got to have other shit that needs taking out. Oh, I got it, weapons tech, right? Bet you’d be good at that.
SPC-7000: Replication Studies.
F-Alpha: Sorry?
SPC-7000: Replication Studies!
F-Alpha: What the hell does that mean?
SPC-7000: I do the same thing over and over and I record the results. It’s proper science.
F-Alpha: The only proper science is the sweet science of selachian cartilage being crushed under the force of my knuckles.
<SPC-7000 smiles.>
SPC-7000: It is pretty fun.
END OF LOG
Assessment and Progress Report
12 December, 2022
Dr. Kendrick: December 22, 2022. 0800 hours. Operational progress report and quarterly evaluation of asset effectiveness. Operative: William Wettle. Reporting researcher, Malcom Kendrick, PhD.
Agent Delaneaux: Agent Zoë Delaneaux, observing.
Dr. Kendrick: Well, William, you’ve come along way since I first saw you.
SPC-7000: You’re a doctor, right? I seem to remember that.
Dr. Kendrick: That’s right, I’m happy you remember me.
SPC-7000: Then you could at least do me the favor of acknowledging my title.
Dr. Kendrick: You’re right. Let me start that over. Operative: William Wettle – SPC-7000.
SPC-7000: Great.
Dr. Kendrick: Glad to help! Okay. So how’s it been going, William?
SPC-7000: Oh, pretty good I guess, that exercise regimen you got me on has helped with the stamina.
Agent Delaneaux: If only that could stop you from falling on your face or causing car accidents.
<SPC-7000 flips off the agent. She smiles at him.>
Dr. Kendrick: Actually, that brings up an interesting question: How are you able to be so successful in the water against selachians, but retain this incredible unlucky streak in any other context?
<SPC-7000 shrugs.>
Dr. Kendrick: It’s not my specialty but I wonder if it has something to do with bringing you over from your reality. Some side effect of your anomaly mixing with the unnatural essence of the selachians.
SPC-7000: What did you say your doctorate was in?
Dr. Kendrick: Maritime Pugilism.
SPC-7000: Yeah, that’s not a thing.
Dr. Kendrick: I assure you, it is a thing and there’s no finer research subject than the extermination of the Sharkicist menace.
SPC-7000: Right, well, the Sharkicist menace doesn’t seem that menacing to me.
Dr. Kendrick: I know! It’s astounding. Don’t you think, Agent?
Agent Delaneaux: Mmm. And the assassination attempts, you’re not letting them get you down right?
SPC-7000: Well, the universe has been trying to kill me for decades, what’s a few more living people added to the list?
Dr. Kendrick: Wonderful! The Maritime Bushido masters would be proud.
SPC-7000: Okay, just gonna leave that one alone. Well, if you don’t have any more questions, I’d like to get back to work.
Dr. Kendrick: One more thing, Operational Command has seen fit to give you a battlefield commission. Your record so far is incredible.
<Kendrick hands SPC-7000 a small velvet hinged box. He opens the box and reveals two silver pins shaped like fists.>
Dr. Kendrick: Congratulations, Special Agent Wettle. This is the order of the Selachian Pugilism Deity, and only the bravest and most successful pugilists are invited into the fraternity.
Agent Delaneaux: Yes, congratulations.
SPC-7000: Thanks, I guess.
<SPC-7000 attaches the pins to the lapels of his uniform. He accidentally stabs his index finger, drawing several drops of blood.>
<Delaneaux rolls her eyes.>
Dr. Kendrick: Hold on, I think I have a bandage in here somewhere.
END OF LOG
Mission Transcript Operation Θ-7000-18
25 December, 2022
Situation: Vast horde of selachian entities, supported by mutated SPC-2191 entities, approaching the fortified state of Hawaii.10 Operations Command estimate over a thousand combat selachian entities form the main spear of the horde, targeting the Centre’s assets in the area. Never before have so many selachian hostiles been active in a single theater of war.
Intervention: MFT Theta-7000, along with Special Agent Wettle, mobilized to aid in the defense along with two full strength brigades of pugilists.
Outcome: The fortress island of Moloka’i underwent numerous waves of attack from the selachian horde, losing numerous personnel before the reinforcement of MFT Theta-7000 and accompanying pugilists could arrive. After the arrival of the reinforcements, Centre personnel were able to push back against the selachians.
After nearly three hours of fighting, over six hundred selachians were KIA and the rest retreated. Personnel casualties were significant, but the reinforcements and MFT Theta-7000 were key to preventing a bigger disaster. Agent Wettle, SPC-7000, was a significant force in the resistance, fending off numerous selachian attacks with little support and ultimately neutralizing over forty of the entities single-handedly.
Debriefing:
<Transcript begins.>
<Wettle is sitting on a rock at the beach, with his feet in the water, facing to the west. He is covered in gore, scratches and minor wounds – the wetsuit he is wearing is torn in half a dozen places. Commander Maria Salazar approaches carrying a small ice chest.>
Salazar: Thought you might be thirsty.
<Salazar tosses Wettle a can of Japanese beer.>
SPC-7000: Thanks.
Salazar: You look like shit, Wettle.
SPC-7000: Accurate.
<He opens the can and a fountain of foamed beer erupts out, drenching him. Salazar laughs.>
Salazar: Sorry, I shouldn’t have tossed it.
SPC-7000: S’okay, probably would have happened anyway.
<He raises the half empty can to Salazar in a toast gesture, while wiping off some of the beer and blood from his face and chest with a towel. He takes his time wiping the golden fists pinned on either side of the open collar to the wetsuit.>
Salazar: Really earned those today.
SPC-7000: What? I didn’t earn them before?
Salazar: Oh, you did, I’m just saying… how many today?
SPC-7000: Lost count after thirty.
<Salazar whistles.>
SPC-7000: Shut up, Maria.
<She laughs and sits down next to him.>
Salazar: You could use a shower.
<He looks down at his ruined wetsuit and bloodstained skin.>
SPC-7000: Merry Christmas to me.
<Salazar nudges the ice chest, causing the other cans to clink together audibly.>
SPC-7000: And to you! Generosity is a very festive personality trait, of course.
Salazar: Goddamn right. Nothing quite so good as a drink after a good fight.
<Both go silent, staring towards the horizon, and the advancing sunset.>
SPC-7000: How many operations have you been on?
Salazar: Today was my forty-first. I joined close to five years ago, right out of the Centre’s academy. Officer’s life for me.
SPC-7000: Is it always like this?
<Salaza slides closer on the rock and lowers her voice.>
Salazar: No, this was easily the worst day I’ve seen.
SPC-7000: You don’t get tired of it?
Salazar: Sure, I do. But what’re we gonna do, take a vacation? The Sharkicist menace is real, if we weren’t resisting their slimy approach to the mainland, who would?
<Salazar turns to look at Wettle.>
Salazar: Why? You looking to quit already, Mr. Selachian Pugilist Deity?
<Wettle reaches over and grabs another beer. It also explodes, but he manages to get very little of it on himself. He shakes his hand to spray the sand with beer.>
SPC-7000: Not at all. I just wondered if you were going anywhere.
Salazar: Well, Dr. Wettle, I’m touched.
SPC-7000: I’ve never been good at anything. Just a shit magnet and target of mockery. Here, I can make a difference. That’s really new for me. Anyway, I don’t have anything to go home to.
Salazar: Really making a girl feel wanted.
<Wettle looks at her, his eyes wide.>
Salazar: You should really go take a shower.
SPC-7000: I will.
Salazar: I don’t think it can wait.
SPC-7000: Huh? Why?
<Salazar looks at him and winks. She stands up, walks towards the water stripping off her wetsuit and steps into the surf.>
SPC-7000: Oooooh.
END OF LOG
After the defense of Moloka’I, Operational Command increased funding to MFT Theta-7000 and began making plans to utilize SPC-7000 in a series of tactical strikes at the center of selachian activity in the Pacific.
On 31 December, 2022, SPC-7000 answered a priority summons from Operational Command to the SPC-6269 facility. Twenty minutes later, an explosion damaged the main equipment chamber. Cleanup crews were unable to locate Special Agent Wettle and at first he was assumed killed or buried under rubble from the blast. But searching the onsite surveillance revealed the following log:
<Transcript begins.>
<SPC-7000 is bound in a chair, bleeding from a head wound and trying to pull himself free of the zip ties binding him to the chair. Above and behind him SPC-6269 is humming with electricity as it warms up.>
Agent Delaneaux: You can’t even be a victim correctly!
SPC-7000: What?
Agent Delaneaux: I brought you here to ruin the Centre’s war effort! But what do you do? You excel. You inspire! You murder hundreds of my shark brethren!
SPC-7000: I doubt I killed hundre–
Agent Delaneaux: Oh shut up, you imbecile!
SPC-7000: Wait, did you say shark? I thought you couldn’t say shark? If that was allowed all along, why did I have to learn how to spell selachian?
Agent Delaneaux: I was acting! I’m a mole, you moron.
SPC-7000: For who? The sharks? Come on…
Agent Delaneaux: Yes! I’ve bided my time within the ranks, always looking for a way to undermine the Centre’s efforts so as to allow my brothers and sisters to vanquish the age-old enemy. And I thought I had finally found it. Bring you over, let your anomaly infect the efforts and all the while our forces would launch the largest series of attacks in the history of this conflict. The Centre was supposed to be distracted and its efforts curtailed by your bumblings. BUT OH NO, YOU HAD TO BE A HERO!
SPC-7000: No reason to yell.
Agent Delaneaux: How could I have foreseen your anomaly would have the reverse effect in the water against us? It’s ridiculous! You fall over trying to tie your shoes! When you’re sitting down!
SPC-7000: Wait, are you saying you’re a shark? I’m confused, you look like a human to me. You’re not wearing some weird rubber mask over a shark face, right?
Agent Delaneaux: No, I am no— You know what? I’m done. No more trying to arrange your death. Nor more sending you to the most dangerous assignments. All that backfired. Time to go home!
SPC-7000: What? No! I don’t want to go home! I finally found something I was called to do. And I’m good at it! Also, I just started seeing someone.
Agent Delaneaux: Too bad, shark hater! Goodbye, Mr. Wettle.
<Agent Delaneaux activates SPC-6269 and lightning cracks above SPC-7000’s head.>
SPC-7000: How many times do I have to tell you people? I’m a doct–
<Reality splits along a thin line of sustained electricity hovering in the air and the crane arm grabs SPC-7000 and deposits him through the portal.>
Agent Delaneaux: Go be someone else’s problem!
END OF LOG
Roughly fifteen seconds after depositing SPC-7000 through the portal, the SPC-6269 chamber experienced an ontological feedback event, causing a significant explosion and seriously damaged the mechanism. Agent Delaneaux was not found at the facility, nor has she been seen since. Operational Command has issued an All-Points Bulletin for her capture or elimination.
At the time of writing, PROCEDURE: GET THE BASTARD BACK has been initiated. Any and all information that can lead to the return of SPC-7000 is to be forwarded to Operational Command.
We need him.