| SPC-500 |
|---|
| By: |
| Published on 27 Sep 2026 15:55 |
What if being a selachian is just… scurvy. (≈2.3k)
NOTICE FROM THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE COORDINATION AND PROJECTS OPERATION COMMAND OFFICE
IVORY TABLET is currently ACTIVE. Production quotas continue to be met ahead of schedule, and distribution to Marine Fighting Teams proceeds per standard rotation. Personnel are reminded that inquiries regarding secondary applications of IVORY TABLET are to be directed to the appropriate CICAPOCO liaison, and are not to be raised on the punching floor.
Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: IVORY TABLET does not possess any pugilistic abilities against selachian entities. It is instead used to assist Marine Fighting Teams during selachian pugilism missions as IVORY TABLET grants impressive regenerative abilities against injuries which allows longer sustained pugilism.
Project Component(s): SPC-500 instances are small plastic cans which at the time of writing are stored at Round-19 with ≈1250 IVORY TABLET pills in existence. One IVORY TABLET pill, taken orally, cures all diagnosable and deviant medical conditions present in the subject within approximately two hours, timing dependent on condition severity. This has proven effective at minimizing recovery downtime for Marine Fighting Team personnel between engagements. Synthetization has been successfully replicated at scale due to Subproject "THE GREAT REPLENISHMENT".
Note From Dr. Ozean:
SPC Personnel below Level 2 are no longer authorized to requisition IVORY TABLET outside of selachian engagements. This includes recreational fistfights with other personnel, giving it to selachians to see if "being a selachian is an ailment," and punching the vending machine because it ate your dollar. IVORY TABLET is not a tool for violence. It is a tool for violence against selachians specifically. Get bitten by an actual selachian and then ask permission.
Request 500-1774-k
Dr. Poisson has requested one (1) IVORY TABLET pill for testing with SPC-038. Request has been approved.
Request 500-1862-b
Dr. Bass has requested one (1) IVORY TABLET pill for testing with SPC-914. Request has been approved.
Request 500-2354-f
Dr. Chondra has requested one (1) IVORY TABLET pill for testing on selachian entities, on the stated grounds of "whether those little fuckers can be cured or not." Request has been denied. CICAPOCO notes that IVORY TABLET allocation is reserved for personnel injury recovery per Directive 500-C, and that selachian status does not appear on any recognized list of diagnosable conditions.
Request 500-5667-e
Dr. Chondra has requested one (1) IVORY TABLET pill for testing on selachian entities for the same reason as above. Request denied once again.
Addendum 500-1:
Interviewed: Dr. Chondra
Interviewer: Agent Reyes, CICAPOCO Internal Standards
Foreword: Following Request 500-2354-f, Dr. Chondra was summoned for a standard consultation regarding proper IVORY TABLET allocation procedure.
<Begin Log>
Reyes: You understand IVORY TABLET is not authorized for use outside personnel injury recovery, yes?
Chondra: I understand that's the policy. I also understand that policy was written by a guy whose entire personality is "punch," so forgive me if I don't treat it as scripture.
Reyes: That's Director Voss you're referring to.
Chondra: Yes, I'm aware.
Reyes: Moving on. Your request cited "curing" selachian entities. Can you elaborate on what that means, clinically?
Chondra: Sure. We've got a pill that no-questions-asked deletes disease from a body. Any disease. I've seen the files, Reyes, I've seen what it did to Agent Okafor's compound fracture, I've seen the guy who came in with scurvy, actual pirate-brain scurvy, and walked out twenty minutes later demanding a salad. And in twelve hundred cans of that, we've decided the best use of our time is so our guys can punch fish slightly longer before they need a nap?
Reyes: That is the organization's mandate, yes.
Chondra: What if being a selachian is just… scurvy. What if it's scurvy we haven't diagnosed yet because nobody's ever bothered checking if a selachian counts as a patient?
Reyes: Selachians are not patients.
Chondra: Says who!
Reyes: Says fifteen thousand years of them trying to eat us.
Chondra: That's a symptom, Reyes! Nobody's ever treated it as a symptom!
Reyes: I'm going to write down that you compared apex predation to scurvy.
Chondra: Write down whatever you want, I'm still right.
Reyes: And if it doesn't work? If you dose one and nothing happens?
[There is a long pause in the room.]
Chondra: It'll work, I'm SURE it'll work!
Reyes: That's not an answer.
Chondra: Tell that to my father who got killed by those cone faced little shits.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: No policy violation was found. Dr. Chondra was reminded of Directive 500-C and released to standard duty. Agent Reyes recommends continued monitoring of Dr. Chondra's research proposals going forward, and additionally recommends Dr. Chondra be barred from further use of the word "scurvy" in official correspondence.
