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Project #: SPC-3871

Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities:

The SPC-3871 units are outfitted with several components that can greatly enhance the pugilation ability of Center agents. SPC-3871 is to be distributed among highly trained Center agents involved in direct military actions against sharks.

As of incident 95-7-ABDG-Blue-Kappa-Romeo-Omega, SPC-3871 is no longer usable. See the addendum.

Project Components: SPC-3871 refers to a series of 13 Sk. III Ultra-Cool Chondrichthyes Extermination Suits recovered from Site-38711. The SK3UCCES units originally consisted of a metallic outer chassis to protect the wearer from selachian assault along with a shoulder mounted Automated Fist Launcher, jet propulsion and built in oxygen tanks. They were later modified by Researcher Arnold (see below).

Discovery: SPC-3871 was first discovered when Center personnel noticed several MD&C2 minions rooting through the GCO's trash apparently looking for artifacts to sell. The Center agents proceeded to beat the shit out of them and deposited them in the dumpster. During this operation they discovered SPC-3871.

Upon noticing the potential for Selachian Pugilation inherent in the suits, the agents recovered the SPC-3871 instances and returned them to a SPC research facility. The suits were repaired by Researcher Arnold and were then tested by MFT Alpha-17 'Fist of God'.


DATE: 08/01/2013

NOTE: MFT Alph-17 was deployed via submersible craft to a location where a large contingent of sharks had gathered around an undersea cave apparently plotting to eat a bunch of little girls swimming at the beach. Agent Chelsea put on one of the SK3UCCEX units, left the submersible and was instructed to punch the nearest shark.

Agent Chelsea can be seen swimming over a flat oceanic shelf. She notices a lone shark swimming after a small school of brightly colored fish.

Agent Chelsea: Okay, I see a shark, I think it's time to test this baby out.

Agent Chelsea swims in the direction of the shark. The shark notices Chelsea and starts heading in her direction. Chelsea activates her SK3UCCEX unit's Automated Fist Launcher and launches a boxing glove projectile at the shark. The projectile strikes the shark in the face with enough force to knock it unconscious at which point it promptly explodes.

Agent Chelsea: Damn…

Following this incident, Dr. Arnold decided to attempt to bring the SK3UCCEX suits into full active deployment. He asked Agent Chelsea to come with him so that they could preform a live demonstration of the SK3UCCEX unit's capabilities to the Bodacious Assembly. Researcher Arnold and the Assembly members met on the [REDACTED] beach.


DATE: 08/13/2013

NOTE: After being debriefed on the SK3UCCEX units a three man delegation from the Assembly came to view Researcher Arnold's demonstration of the suits usage for selachian pugilation.

The three Assembly members can be seen sitting on towels placed over white sand under bright sunlight. Across from them Researcher Arnold and Agent Chelsea are standing next to each other under a blue beach umbrella stuck in the sand. Agent Chelsea is wearing an SK3UCCEX unit.

Researcher Arnold: Honored members of the Bodacious Assembly, today me and Agent Chelsea are going to demonstrate the…

B-7: Before we begin I have one question. So this stuff is like power armor right? Like what Iron Man has?

B-3: Except like underwater.

Researcher Arnold: Yes, precisely. These suits have several features which allow them to…

B-7: Hell yeah!

B-3: We should have designed some of this on our own!

Researcher Arnold: [muttering under his breath] One of these days I swear…

Researcher Arnold: Yes, these suits have several features such as…

B-11: Can I have one?

Researcher Arnold: …such as hydraulic systems to increase strength and thus pugilatory power.

To demonstrate the increased strength granted by the suit, Agent Chelsea picks up the umbrella and throws it with enough force to impale a shark that had been eavesdropping on the conversation.

Researcher Arnold: Jets for enhanced underwater manuevera…

B-3: It is like Iron Man!

B-7: Hell yes! We're in!

Researcher Arnold: That's it? You guys are just, going to accept?

B-11: Of course. It's power armor, what more could we possibly want?

Researcher Arnold: You guys… don't even want a demonstration?

B-3: Nah man, this is like, totally radical. Of course we are going to use this.

B-7: It looks like this is unanimous so we're gonna break now. Those sharks aren't gonna punch themselves.

B-7 jumps into the ocean and swims into the water in search of more sharks.

After this demonstration, the assembly requested that the SK3UCCEX's be put into active deployment effective immediately. The suits were distributed among appropriately ranked Center agents and were later used in over 213 successful operations against sharks. However, during the 214th operation involving a SK3UCCEX, the assigned Mobile Fist Team was ambushed by a large contingent of sharks along with allied squids and manta rays resulting in 100% casualties and the loss of the SK3UCCEX unit.

Realizing that the SK3UCCEXs were insufficient for the demands of modern selachian pugilism, Dr. Arnold decided to upgrade them himself using funds stolen from MD&C. He added the following modifications to the suits so as to increase their pugilation capacity.

  • Two additional underslung automated fist launchers.
  • OUCULUS sensor suite and VREITIS system capable of scanning for and detecting the evil energy that all sharks naturally produce.
  • Siren murderdoodle and slaughternoise generators capable of causing instant death in selachian organisms that so much as look at the SK3UCCEX.
  • 6 Megaton emergency self-destruct system so as to prevent capture by shark sympathizers.
  • Ultra-Massively-Hard-to-Damage-Because-its-Made-of-Titanium-Beryllium-Bronze-Telekill-Alloy-Outer-Shell (UMHtDBiMoTBBTAOS) to protect the suit against even the most powerful selachian assault.
  • Super-High-Voltage-Electric-Arc-Generator (SHVEAG) so as to increase the electrical conductivity of nearby sharks.


Incident 95-7-ABDG-Blue-Kappa-Romeo-Omega

Sometime after the SK3UCCEX units were modified, Dr. Arnold was reported missing. MFT agents were dispatched to locate him, but they were soon reported missing as well. A high ranking Center agent, Coach Steve, was sent to investigate using his own personal SK3UCCEX. However, Coach Steve never showed up to the investigation and, after 37 days, was also reported missing. Coach Bob was sent to find Coach Steve's SK3UCCEX unit and, if possible, Coach Steve himself.


DATE: 08/17/2016

NOTE: Coach Bob entered the barracks next to the Center gym that Coach Steve was previously employed at. He did not have a SK3UCCEX suit with him but did bring his personal pair of boxing gloves just in case.

Coach Bob can be seen standing in the hallway leading to Coach Steve's office. He carefully begins walking down it while subconsciously switching to a boxing stance.

Coach Bob: Okay, I'm recording this for posterity in case I don't make it. I have no clue what I could be facing in there. I hope it's nothing dangerous, but you can never be too careful.

Coach Bob walks up to a white door with a sign saying "Coach Steve" on it. Coach Bob takes a deep breath. A slight noise is audible from behind the door.

Coach Bob: Okay, here it goes. If this goes wrong tell my husband and 17 kids I love them.

Coach Bob: I was supposed to retire last week, but then I remembered how deaths among SPC agents tend to spike in the weeks right before their retirement. So I decided that instead I'll simply work at the Center for the rest of my life.

Coach Bob punches the door knob knocking it off.

Coach Bob: Okay, okay on three. One… two… THREE.

Coach Bob pushes the door open and looks inside. His ears then catch on fire, his eyeballs melt and, seconds later, his head explodes.3

Seventeen more SPC coaches were dispatched to recover Coach Bob and (presumably) Coach Steve's bodies. However, they all died in a similar matter to Coach Bob causing the hallway to be too crowded with corpses for the recovery operation to be performed successfully. With no other options, the Grand Pugilator ordered the SPC office building to be obliterated via a Fist of Triton strike. After the nuclear fallout cleared, a full investigation into the phenomenon was enacted. $1,793,000 USD was spent and 39 more personnel were lost before it was conclusively determined that the cause of the deaths were the SK3UCCEX units themselves, specifically the murderdoodles and slaughternoises they were covered in.

By order of the Grand Pugilator all operations involving SPC-3871 are cancelled until someone can think of a solution to the issue, but we aren't counting on that happening so it is likely no more operations with them will be possible. Dr. Arnold's fate is unknown but he is presumed dead and the reports of sightings of him at a Hawaiian resort are noted to likely be simply malicious rumors spread by the Church of the Gigantic Barnacle's propaganda branch.

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