rating: +8+x

Project #: SPC-377

Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: The physical and reality-altering enhancements granted by SPC-377 to SPC personnel will prove to be invaluable in our search for optimal shark-punching methods. While the benefits of SPC-377 do not extend to any defensive capabilities, the previously-mentioned offensive abilities should prove to be sufficient, as it is unlikely that the shark would be able to withstand such damage until it is able to counterattack.

Project Component: SPC-377 is an entity resembling American professional wrestling commentator Sean Coulthard. The only significant biological difference between SPC-377 and a standard human is the addition of gill-like structures adorning the side of the entity1. All other physical components of SPC-377 are identical to the real Sean Coulthard.

SPC-377’s anomalous effects demonstrate themselves when the entity is within an 8-meter radius of any SPC personnel currently engaged in fisticuffs with a shark. SPC-377 will begin commentating on the fight, and this oration seems to grant SPC personnel increased confidence, as well as extreme physical capabilities, such as:

  • An increased maximum jumping height of 7 meters
  • Improved strength for the purpose of punching sharks
  • The ability to touch sharks who inhabit incorporeal forms

Addendum 377-A: Acquisition

SPC-377 was discovered on 3/19/17, in the town of Portland, Maine. SPC personnel located within the town were currently engaged with previously undocumented deviant sharks, but were unable to deal noticeable damage to the Selachian menaces due to their non-physical forms. SPC-377 encountered SPC personnel after they were found in a state of emotional distress due to sharks repeatedly labeling them “little bitch boys.” SPC-377 proceeded to offer words of encouragement and began commentating on the fight between the newly-inspired personnel and those shark bastards. Inexplicably, personnel were now suddenly capable of making contact with the incorporeal sharks, and began incorporating flashier maneuvers into their beatdown, such as one personnel tossing a shark into the hands of another personnel, who proceeded to perform a double-arm suplex on the shark, with SPC-377 being reported as saying “WATCH OUT WATCH OUT WATCH OUT OHHHHHH MY GOD!”

Following the punch-filled demise of the sharks, SPC-377 acquainted himself with SPC personnel, agreeing to return to their main facility for documentation and research.

Addendum 377-B: Interview

The following is a follow-up correspondence from junior researcher Theodore Cranston following his encounter with the effects of SPC-377:

Interviewed: Theodore Cranston, junior researcher for the Shark Punching Centre

Interviewer: Felipe Barnes, ethereal Selachian specialist

<Begin Log>

Barnes: So, we’ve received word of your encounter with SPC-377, and we feel like it is best to have a personal account of its effects. Would you care to begin?

Cranston: Yeah. I felt like the fucking man. He came up to us and kept yelling about it being Slam Time or something. Looking back, it’s incomprehensible, but at the time I felt like every word was picking me up by the shirt collar and saying “go kick some fishy ass, you gagglefuck.”

Barnes: So did you feel any side effects?

Cranston: Nah. Afterwards everybody was high-fiving each other and bumping heads. It felt really great.

Barnes: So what did you talk about at the facility?

Cranston: We basically just asked him about his background. We didn’t even notice the gills until he took his shirt off to flex his triceps. By god, they were massive.

Barnes: That’s sick, but hardly relevant. But, overall, would you say that having SPC-377 around as a long-term tool for shark punching would be beneficial to the Shark Punching Centre?

Cranston: Definitely. Even now, I wanna go out and punch more sharks harder than I ever have. Come to think of it, you look kinda fishy yourself.

Barnes: What the fuck are you talking ab- HEY WOAH WOAH WHAT THE FUCK HE-

Cranston proceeds to grab Barnes and perform a double-arm suplex. Cranston is temporarily detained, and Barnes approves further research into possible cognitive effects of SPC-377.

<End Log>

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License