SPC-3008
rating: +213+x
ITEM#: SPC-3008
LEVEL2
RESTRICTED
SHARK CLASS:
hammerhead
{$secondary-text}
{$secondary-class}
PUNCHABILITY CLASS:
firm
DEPTH CLASS:
sea-level
Item#: {$item-number}
Level2
Containment Class:
{$container-class}
Secondary Class:
{$secondary-class}
Disruption Class:
{$disruption-class}
Risk Class:
{$risk-class}

blahaj.png

SPC-3008, as marketed by IKEA (the fools).

Shark Punching Contingencies: Marine Fighting Teams Kappa-9, Gamma-6, and Omicron-5 (Vänster Krok, Övre Skära, and Slå Ut respectively) are to conduct regular patrols into all IKEA1 globally. Upon locating a shiver of SPC-3008 instances, they are to be punched repeatedly until the objects are thoroughly destroyed.

Should a staff member ask an agent to leave because they are "damaging the merchandise" and/or "being a nuisance to other customers," they are to discreetly incapacitate the employee and finish their mission as quickly as possible. If such attempts fail, resulting in operatives being forced off of the premises, MFT agents are to resist for as long as reasonably possible while attempting to (loudly) persuade other customers of the malevolent nature of the merciless SPC-3008 entities.

Description: SPC-3008 is a selachian plush toy sold by IKEA. The item is one meter in length and possesses a full set of felt teeth. SPC-3008 has many features common among plush toys, including a soft, fuzzy skin, an interior filled with cotton stuffing, and a tag on the tail displaying a bar code and the manufacturer. Despite its physical appearance, however, SPC-3008 is in fact a malevolent entity possessing dangerous mind-control abilities. Cult-like communities have spread online praising SPC-3008 as a sapient creature capable of performing extensive feats of reality-warping. Verification of these claims has proven impossible due to the need to eradicate all SPC-3008 instances on first contact to prevent civilian casualties2.

Addendum 3008.1 Recovered Evidence:
The following is a screenshot from a conversation between cult members noting different reality-warping abilities it possesses.

Post-optimus Prime
Today at 6:48 PM
I GOT HIM
blahaj_discord.png
lesbian_gengar
Today at 6:48 PM
Awesome. He started making you fly yet? lol
Post-optimus Prime
Today at 6:49 PM
Yup! Made my boobs get 2 cups bigger too.

Further investigation into these properties is ongoing.

Addendum 3008.2 Infiltration and Extermination Summary:
All three MFT teams were sent into the IKEA in Richmond, BC. K-93 carried out the destruction of SPC-3008, G-64 kept all employees and civilians out of the area, and O-55 interviewed persons found on the scene for any further information regarding the origins of SPC-3008.

<Begin Log>


[MFT breach the front entrance of the premises. G-6 head up the escalators and go backwards through the main pathway to the children's section with K-9 close behind.]

G6-5: Sorry everyone, the store is closing early due to the holidays!

Shopper: It's the 29th of July, what possible holiday is it!?

G6-5: Uhhh, national lasagna day!

Shopper: That sounds completely made up!

G6-5: It's a real thing I swear!

[G6-5 shows the civilian the Wikipedia entry for National Lasagna Day. All civilians reluctantly evacuate the area.]

G6-1: Kappa-9, you're free to engage.

[K9-1 through 7 begin assault on SPC-3008.]

O5-3: I'm here live on the scene as IKEA is closing for National Lasagna Day! Excuse me, ma'am, what are your thoughts on this special occasion?

Shopper: I don't want lasagna I want to buy the Stupparb for my cabinet!

O5-3: Heh, alright then!

[O5-3 quickly disengages and searches for an IKEA employee.]

O5-3: You've got such a lovely selection of items here at IKEA, I'm especially interested in the Blåhaj. Do you know where you obtain such items?

Employee: No? I'm just a cashier. Those toys are cute I guess though?

O5-3: What!? You think those murderous creatures are cute!?

Command: O5-3 is losing composure! O5-4 we need immediate extraction, go fill in.

O5-4: Ha ha, I'm sorry about my colleague here, we all urgh, love the Blåhaj. Do you have any info on its creation?

Employee: I don't know, it probably arrives here from the shipping warehouse.

Command: We got the data, O5-4 get out of there!

[Omicron-5 evacuates the building. The interviewed employee starts heading back up to the second floor.]

Employee: Umm, excuse me, folks. You're not allowed to damage the merchandise like that. Are you prepared to pay for all those stuffies?

[G6-2 takes down the employee with a chloroform rag, hiding her in one of the display tents.]

K9-1: All instances exterminated.

Command: We've got all the info we need. All agents still in the building get out as quickly and discreetly as possible.


<End Log>

Addendum 3008.3 Mission Log:
During the eradication of SPC-3008 throughout the Canadian IKEAs in BC, on-scene interviews of employees lead to the discovery of the hub of all SPC-3008 activity in the area, the Coquitlam IKEA Warehouse. MFT Gamma-6 ("Övre Skära") were sent to cut off SPC-3008 at its source.

<Begin Log>


G6-1: G6-1 check.

G6-2: G6-2 check.

G6-5: G6-5 check.

Command: Alright. Everything looks good on our end. Are you in breaching positions?

G6-1: Affirmative.

Command: You're clear to breach.

[All three agents bust open the door to the warehouse. Various workers are seen roaming the facility.]

G6-5: No SPC-3008 in sight sir!

G6-1: Dammit! Two, sweep the perimeter to the left. Five, you go right.

Command: There are too many civilians in there. Two, you are authorized to deploy measures to evacuate the facility.

G6-2: Got it. Deploying an industrial stink bomb now.

[Agents sweep the warehouse. In the northeast, a shiver of SPC-3008 is found. Estimated to be at least 200 instances.]

G6-5: Oh my god…

G6-1: Five! What is it man! Five!? Command, what's going on? I've lost contact with Five.

Command: We aren't sure either.

[Through G6-2's mic faint screaming is heard. The sound of a grenade going off can also be heard.]

G6-2: We've struck the motherlode sir. It's worse than we expected, they've gotten to Five…

[G6-5 can be seen laying on the ground, deceased by blast injury6.]

G6-1: They've killed Five. Explosives are a no-go.

Command: Exterminate all instances through pummelation.

G6-1: Copy.

[Over the next 2 hours, both agents slam, smack, and wallop all SPC-3008 instances.]

Command: Very good. I've been informed we'd like you to capture and take one back with you for interrogation.

G6-1: Alright. Almost ready for extraction.


<End Log>


An instance was captured and brought in for interrogation.

Addendum 3008.4 Interview Log:
Dr. Grant Lingham attempted to interrogate the captured SPC-3008 instance.

<Begin Log>


Dr. Lingham: Now, who is your creator?

SPC-3008: (No verbal communication)

Dr. Lingham: If you don't talk now, we will remove you from this tank and place you back into-

SPC-3008:

Dr. Lingham: Answer the question.

SPC-3008:

Dr. Lingham: Answer the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] question!

SPC-3008:

Dr. Lingham: Not talking, eh?

SPC-3008:

Dr. Lingham: Well, we have ways of making you talk.

[Dr. Lingham punches SPC-3008 in the face.]

Dr. Lingham: You like that!? Huh!?

SPC-3008:

[Dr. Lingham continues punching SPC-3008 repeatedly.]

Dr. Lingham: YOU! WILL! SPEAK! WHEN! SPOKEN TO!

[Silence for 5 seconds.]

SPC-3008:

Dr. Lingham: [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]


<End Log>


No further information was gleaned. Extermination of all SPC-3008 instances is ongoing.
rating: +213+x

Porridge


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