SPC-2935-J "O, Fin"
Author: S D Locke
Sharky, shark shark
Other works by S D Locke!
| SCPs | |
|---|---|
| S. D. Locke's Proposal | Rating: 2656 |
| SCP-5999 - This is Where I Died | Rating: 1734 |
| SCP-3280 | Rating: 672 |
| SCP-783 | Rating: 597 |
| SCP-2193 | Rating: 541 |
| SCP-3980 | Rating: 529 |
| SCP-1661 | Rating: 285 |
| SCP-2923 | Rating: 249 |
| SCP-2385 | Rating: 242 |
| SCP-4910 | Rating: 230 |
| SCP-3963 | Rating: 230 |
| SCP-8246 | Rating: 176 |
| SCPs | |
|---|---|
| Ihp/Locke Proposal | Rating: 574 |
| SCP-7676 | Rating: 453 |
| SCP-012-EX | Rating: 209 |
| SCP-7427 | Rating: 161 |
| SCP-6430 | Rating: 157 |
| SCP-5311 | Rating: 139 |
| SCP-7932 | Rating: 109 |
| SCP-6110 | Rating: 90 |
| Tales | |
|---|---|
| Not Fade Away | Rating: 359 |
| Reap What You Sew | Rating: 107 |
| Paradigm Shift | Rating: 88 |
| A Reason To Die | Rating: 47 |
| And Then I Died IV - Series 2 | Rating: 33 |
| Tales | |
|---|---|
| Heart and Sol | Rating: 220 |
| Slothcon | Rating: 91 |
| From Above | Rating: 35 |
| GOI Formats | |
|---|---|
| SPC-173 | Rating: 305 |
| LTE-2712-Bosch | Rating: 157 |
| SPC-2935 | Rating: 155 |
| P'rantortiz the Vile | Rating: 140 |
| GOI Formats |
|---|
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From the office of the Athletic Coordinator.
Ladies and gentlemen of the Centre. When we founded this organization, we had a simple mission statement: Sock. Pummel. Combat. From our humble beginnings following the consolidation of several covert anti-shark organizations1, right on through till today, this has been our promise to the world. We have had to make some tough choices over this time, as the personnel currently performing Procedure 110-Monshark2 are aware. You may have had to raise your fist against your friends, your loved ones, all in the pursuit of our mission.
You may have heard of Project Ahab. You may have wondered if such a thing could be justified. You may fret over the possibility of non-sharks being caught in the crossfire, of innocent civilians being punched into oblivion. "It's too much," the detractors say, "surely we don't need to resort to WMP's".
SPC-2935 represents the single greatest threat to our continued existence. This file is hereby declassified to all levels of the Centre. What you are about to read is incredibly disturbing, but it must be made known. We cannot, will not falter. We will not concede defeat. And when you gaze into the abyss, ladies and gentlemen…
…punch the shit out of it.
*Note: The administration is aware that this particular format does not adhere to the Standard, but you have to admit it looks sick as fuck.
SPC-2935.
Description: SPC-2935 is the term for an alternate Earth, accessible via an heretofore undocumented cave system in New Mexico.
SPC-2935 is for all intents and purposes identical to baseline Earth, excluding the fact that organic life - as well as advanced AI and sentient anomalies - became entirely selachian-based on July 17, 2017.
SPC-2935 was discovered on July 19th, after pugilists at Arena-81 picked up a distorted emergency broadcast. A search of the area of its supposed origin led to the discovery of a cave which accessed the aforementioned alternate Earth. Upon entry, the broadcast was able to be deciphered:
Citizens, beware! Selachian threats may be loose in the immediate area. Please remain indoors, and report any fishy activity to your local Centre representative. Stay tuned in for further updates.
All subsequent information on SPC-2935 was gathered by Mobile Task Fist Betta-12 ("Bare-Knuckle Trawlers"), and relayed to Centre Command during a reconnaissance mission.
Exploration Logs SPC-2935
Mission Rules: To explore the newly-discovered anomaly. Report back with findings.
In the red corner: Four members of Mobile Task Fist Betta-12. Coach observing from Area-31.
In the blue corner: The enigmatic SPC-2935. Probably some sharks.
<Round One>
Coach: Team. Do you see anything yet?
Russell: Nothing yet.
Adrian: Yea. Just seems to be an ordinary cave th—
Maggie: What's that?
Segal: 'Er's a light up ahead.
Adrian: More like a tunnel then, looks like its leading us back out to the road.
Maggie: Then where's that distress call coming from?
Segal: Maybe there's sharks that learned how t' operate radios, an' they're luring us into a trap.
Adrian: No way!
Segal: Maybe they're ghosts. Those screw with electronics, right?
Adrian: That…that's terrifying. Stop it!
Russell: Seriously, kid?
Adrian: You…you can't punch a ghost.
Maggie: Five bucks says Segal—
Coach: Ahem.
Russell: Right. We're coming out now. Looks like…damn.
[The team emerges from the cave and into a sparsely-wooded location identical to that surrounding the entrance to SPC-2935, although trees within the area feature gross deformities.]
Russel: We're back where we started.
Coach: Negative team. There's no sign of you over here.
Russell: Alternate reality. Gotcha.
Maggie: You sound a little too certain of that.
Adrian: Yea, what if it's just a pocket dimension?
Maggie: We could be in a facsimile of Earth aboard an alien mothership.
Adrian: What if we're all dreaming?
Maggie: What if we're already dead!
Segal: Maybe ghost sharks?
Adrian: I said stop!!!
Russell: Hold it! Do you hear that?
Maggie: Hear what?
Segal: 'S a little too quiet.
Russell: Exactly.
Maggie: We should be able to hear traffic on the main road. Hell, I don't even hear any birds.
Adrian: That's not a good sign, you guys.
Coach: Lead. What's going on with those trees along the ridge?
Segal: Damn, would you look at that?
[Team moves closer to investigate.]
Russell: The limbs - they're bent and twisted…in the shape of fins?
Adrian: They're shaped like sharks!
Maggie: Spooky.
Segal: [cracks knuckles] Should I punch it?
Coach: Negative, team. Have your drone collect a sample of the bark. You keep going. Get up to the road and see what you can see.
Russell: Copy that. Let's move.
[Team ascends the hillside. At the midway point, Adrian looses his footing and falls forward.]
Adrian: Ah shit!
Segal: Ye' alright boy?
Adrian: Yea. I'm…I'm alright. Oh hell, my nose is bleeding.
Maggie: Looks like you need to learn how to walk.
Adrian: Very funny miss—Ow! Ow! Shit, help!
[The grass around Adrian animates and points in his direction, while the closest blades bend and touch their tips against his body. Adrian can be seen pulling several from his hand prior to punching the ground in retaliation.]
Segal: Th' hell's goin' on?
Adrian: It's biting me! The fuckin'-ow-grass is biting me!
Maggie: The grass is sharks! Run!
[Segal grabs Adrian and throws him over his shoulder. The team punches their way up the hill.]
Russell: [panting] Is everyone alright? Adrian?
Adrian: Yea. All good.
Russell: Alright. Let's keep it moving, then.
[The four travel along the road along the road for a few uneventful minutes, idly chatting. No sharks are punched, ergo this portion has been omitted from the record for brevity.]
Segal: …then I says, 'I meant with THESE!'! [Grabs his pelvic region, remaining members laugh.]
Russell: Hold it, guys. Coach, we've got a house here. Lights are on - looks like someone might be home.
Coach: You're clear to enter. Be careful team. Punch anything that moves.
[Russell takes point and opens the front door, which is unlocked.]
Russell: [sniffs] Aw, that's foul.
Adrian: [retches]
Coach: What's going on? Report.
Maggie: [pinching her nose] Snells 'ike raw fish 'nd death.
Segal: Smells like 's time to kick some arse. [cracks knuckles]
[Team moves through the house; Russell and Segal clear the first floor, while Maggie and Adrian search the second. Russell detects noises emanating from the basement, the squad rendezvous in the kitchen.]
Maggie: What's going on, we found something?
Russell: Think so. Listen…
[The squad pauses. From the basement; several long, drawn-out, high-pitched vocalizations can be heard. It seems to be coming from multiple sources.]
Adrian: Spooky.
Segal: Aye. Sounds…off.
Maggie: Sounds like someone's in pain.
[Russell opens the door. The sound is clearer.]
Unidentified Voice 1: [whispering] Shhhyyyaaaaarrrrrk…
[Team members look at one another in hesitation.]
Adrian: Nose goes!
Segal: Kid, we're pros. Aint no way we're—
[All present quickly touch an index finger to their nose.]
Segal: [sighs] A'right. Le's do this. [cracks knuckles]
[Segal charges down the stairs, turns the corner and then immediately recoils in shock.]
Russell: What is it? Talk to me, big guy.
Unidentified Voice 1: Shhhyyy…
Unidentified Voice 2: Shyyark! Sharkk! Shyark!
Unidentified Voice 1: …aaarrrrk.
[Segal doesn't respond, and presses further back against the wall. The remaining members make their way downstairs.]
Russell: What..
Maggie: The literal…
Adrian: Fuck?
[Three adult humanoid entities with shark-like features flop about the area. A fourth, smaller instance flops around in a nearby playpen. They're wearing torn and tattered clothing. The instances notice the MTF members. They excitedly repeat 'shark', and snap at them, but do not seem capable of directing their movement.]
Segal: 'S probably the mos' fucked thing I've seen, and I've fought in the Sharkic wars.
Russell: [Does the sign of the cross.] This is…Coach, are you seeing this?
Coach: Wish I weren't.
Adrian: Do we…do we punch them?
[The instance closest to the squad attempts to bring itself to a standing position, bracing itself on a nearby table for support. Its slips during this attempt, and falls on its face.]
Selachian entity: Shyark! [Believed to be used as an expletive due to the intonation.]
Coach: Just put them out of their misery, already. I can't watch this anymore.
Segal: Y' head on upstairs, now. [crack knuckles] I'll handle this.
Coach: That works. Scour the rest of the house, see if we can't figure out what's going on here.
[Team moves upstairs, excluding Segal, and fans out.]
Adrian: Hey, found something! It's a newspaper. "Albuquerque Herald. July 17, 2016." Headline reads: "Four dead after a deadly game of 'Leap Frog'. Residents shocked." That was two days ago.
Russell: Good find. Coach?
Coach: I've got Analytics bringing it up now and - yea, seems like it matches baseline.
Russell: Huh. Odd, you'd think —
Maggie: [From the living room.] Guys! Get in here!
[Maggie is in the living room in front of the television. It displays the set of 'Shark Tank'3.
Several shark-people can be seen flopping about the set, two of which seem to be attempting to climb into seats. A fifth shark-person lays opposite them, using a pointer to draw attention towards a large drawing aboard an easel. The drawing seems to be a schematic that would assist in bipedal locomotion for the shark-people. All instances are excitedly repeating the word 'shark', in an argumentative manner.]
Russell: …we're gonna need a bigger team.
Coach: Affirmative. We have another squad on standby. Hold your position.
| Recovered Material | |
| Samples of microbial lifeforms | All microbes observed displayed selachian traits. Three operatives had to be treated upon receiving glass splinters from sample slides in their knuckles. The Centre has begun the training of specialized bacteria to combat this threat; custom-made boxing gloves are being manufactured to wear on their flagella. |
| Grass blades | Under magnification, individual blades can be seen to posses what appears to be dorsal and pectoral fins, as well as tooth-lined 'mouths'. Specially-engineered threshers are currently being mass-produced to pummel the flora of SPC-2935. These machines are projected to clear SPC-2935 in its entirety sometime within the next few centuries. The Five-Finger Death Council has expressed satisfaction with this time-table. |
| An adult SPC-2935-sourced humanoid | Operatives were in agreement that the entity was an unholy blight upon this world, and humanely beat it to death. |
Mission Rules: To further explore the alternate dimension. MTF has been instructed to reach Arena-81, and search for surviving Centre personnel. Report back with findings.
In the red corner: Four members of Mobile Task Fist Betta-12. Four members of Mobile Task Fist Alfalfa-2 ("Heavyweight Sink-Bait")
In the blue corner: SPC-2935. Definitely some sharks.
<Round Two>
[Reinforcements meet MTF Betta-12 members and proceed to commandeer a pair of vehicles. Departure is delayed due to the fact that MTF members spend several hours constructing two massive fists out of scrap metal, which they affix to the front of their vehicles.4 The teams proceed to Arena-81, deliberately swerving to hit every shark along the way. They reach the Arena unscathed, and break up into two teams.
The first, led by Agent Russell, enters into the Arena proper via a freight elevator. The second, led by Agent Tyson, access Arena-81's offsite data storage bank.5 Due to the distance traveled, two-way communication is hampered, and agents are unable to receive commands from Centre Coaches.
Russell stands cross-armed in the corner of the elevator. Adrian paces back and forth nervously. Segal shadow-boxes across from Maggie, who is attempting to access the Arena's intranet on her tablet.]
Segal: Any luck, Mag?
Maggie: Not really. I'm having a harder time than I should. The Site's AI isn't responding to any of my requests - and I think it's actively working against me.
Adrian: Isn't that a typical breach response?
Maggie: It would be, if we didn't already possess the proper credentials.
Russell: Well, whatever happened here probably tripped every emergency countermeasure, so I wouldn't fault the paranoid android.
Adrian: You guys think… do you think it took care of all the sharks on-site?
Russell: The personnel? [scoffs] Definitely. Arena-81 has the highest ratio of spring-loaded-boxing-glove traps per square-foot out of every Arena in the Centre. They'd be tenderized before they knew what hit them!
Segal: I don't like th' sound of tha'.
Maggie: Why not? Makes our job easier. We'll just have to wade through some leftover shark guts.
Segal: Y' know wha' happens when you kill a buncha sharks in one location?
Russell: Bragging rights?
[Here, Segal leans in towards Adrian.]
Segal: [whispering] Ghost sharks.
Adrian: [shaken] Christ! What did I tell you about that?!
Maggie: Ah, quit hasslin' the kid.
Segal: Just passin' the time, s'all.
Maggie: Well, no need to; we're here.
[The elevator comes to a halt, and the doors slide open. The team moves into the front offices.]
Russell: Odd.
Adrian: Everything's so clean still.
Russell: Place should be shark-viscera city
Segal: Maybe this place was empty when whatever it was hit.
Russell: Maybe. Maggie, any luck getting in?
Maggie: Negative. Jarvis seems to be fighting me still.
Adrian: We could try this terminal here; see if we can't talk some sense into him.
Russell: Good idea. You try to get in touch with him. Let him know that we're here, everything's going to be fine. Poor fuck's probably traumatized after having to turn on staff.
Adrian: Right.
Russell: Segal, stay here with Adrian. Maggie, on me. I'd like to check out the boxing ring. I spent practically the whole day there on the 16th.
[The pair departs while Adrian attempts to contact Jarvis]
Segal: This won't take long, will it?
Adrian: Not at all. In fact…[pause] Yea, I might just have it. [leans in towards microphone] Jarvis? Hey, Jar-Jar! You in there?
[Russell and Maggie stroll down the hall towards the boxing ring. It is noted that none of the Arena's defenses have been triggered.]
Maggie: That's some morbid curiosity you've got there, trying to catch a glimpse of the sharked-out you.
Russell: It's… it's not that.
Maggie: Ah. Then what, you wanna go put it out of its misery?
Russell: Not quite.
Maggie: Than what the hell are we doing taking a detour?
Russell: Don't worry about it. Just follow my lead.
[Russell opens up the door to the boxing ring. A loud, fleshy slapping noise can be heard.]
Russell: Let's get this over with.
[The slapping noise continues, it is coming from behind the ring. Maggie and Russell slip on their knuckledusters.]
Unidentified Selachian Entity: Shyark, shyark?
[slapping intensifies]
Unidentified Selachian Entity: Shhhaaarrk?
[The agents come around the corner, and discover the transfigured form of Shark-Russell.]
Maggie: Oh, damn.
Russell: It's… so pathetic.
Russell Shark: Shhh… Shyark.
Maggie: You alright? You need me to take care of it?
[Russell nods. Maggie proceeds to trounce the instance. After several moments, it is confirmed deceased. Maggie hits it a few more times just to be sure, as is standard-practice.]
Maggie: [panting] …there… one dead… shark.
Russell: Thanks.
Maggie: So, what was this about, anyways?
[Russell bends over, and begins rummaging through the pockets of his sharklegänger. He withdraws a fat wad of cash. He waves it triumphantly in Maggie's face.]
Maggie: You fu— Did you really have us come here so you could rob yourself?
Russell: You're just mad you didn't think to do this first. Anyways, let's get —
[Maggie's tablet produces a high-pitched "meep!", distracting the Agents.]
Maggie: [Removes the tablet from her belt, begins typing.] Hey! Adrian must have gotten us in. Let's see…huh. This is odd.
Russell: What's that?
Maggie: It appears that, well, none of the emergency countermeasures were triggered.
Russell: Damn. There's something in the ballpark of three thousand people working here. If they're all still active, we're going to need to be really careful not to -
[Klaxon alarms throughout the site begin to sound off. Emergency lights activate, pulsing red light through the facility. The sound of screaming can be heard over the racket. Adrian appears, running full-speed from the main offices, through the room, and towards D-Wing.]
Adrian: Run! Run for your lives!
Russell: Hey —
Maggie: Wait!
[Segal comes running as well, and follows Adrian.]
Segal: Go, go, go!
[Maggie and Russell stare at each other in confusion for a moment. Hundreds of slow, metallic, clanking noises become audible and grow increasingly louder.]
Russell: Do you hear that?
[Now, the sound of dozens of nasally, high-pitched and excited voices can be heard. All are repeating the word "shyark" (sic). Russell peers out the door to get a look.
The hallway is seen to be filled to capacity with selachian-based personnel. Each one possesses a walker to assist in locomotion. They slowly hobble towards the agents.]
Russell: Hey, Mag. We need to —
[Russell turns around. Maggie is no longer present, however there is a smoky outline roughly in her shape. It appears to be waving.]
Russell: [sigh]
[Squad is running through the D-Wing halls. Shark-people alerted by the klaxons are exiting individual rooms lining either side of the hallway which the squad must avoid as they move. These sharks join the ever-growing crowd pursuing the team.
The squad comes to a T-junction, which hosts an elevator. Sharkmen are pouring into the hallways on either side of the squad - prohibiting movement. The team slows to a halt: Maggie surveys the situation, Segal takes a pugilatory position, Adrian doubles over and hyperventilates, Russell's momentum carries him right into the elevator doors. Russell begins pressing the 'Call' button repeatedly. It does not respond. Segal proceeds to pound his fists into the metal, causing it to explode from its frame and topple into the empty shaft.]
Russell: Alright, we're in!
[Each member leaps into the shaft, and begin sliding down the cables moments before the sharkmen reach their position. Several floors down, the primary SPC Hold's access point is seen to have been torn apart from the inside. Team exits on this floor.
Though most of the lights have been damaged, with few still blinking, the Hold can be seen to be in ruins - large sections of concrete litter the floor, the remaining walls bear shark claw marks. Several doors leading to the holding cells of various selachian entities and countermeasures are found to be breached.]
Adrian: Oh jeez, oh fuck! Oh no, oh no, oh no.
Maggie: Comon', kid. Relax. Whatever caused all of this is long gone.
[The team slowly progresses down the hall in the dark - pausing to confirm the absence of several previously-held selachian entities.]
Maggie: Let's see… Oh! Hey, check that one out, down the hall.
Segal: Tha's a broom closet.
Adrian: It's seeping blood!
[The team exchanges glances.]
Russell: Mag, get up there and open it. Be prepared for anything.
Maggie: Right. You ready?
[Maggie counts down from three on her free hand, and pulls open the door. The corpse of an unidentified human in Centre tumbles out from within.]
Russell: God, that reeks.
Maggie: Odd. This one's not sharked-out like the rest.
[Adrian approaches the closet, retrieving a note that was attached to the back of the door. He studies its contents.]
Segal: 'e took one hell of a beating though.
Maggie: His fists… did he do this to himself?
Segal: Musta' knew 'e was turnin' - punched his own ticket. A basta'd after me own heart.
Russel: This man should be remembered for his heroism. I'll check his wallet for identification.
Maggie: Of course you will.
Russell: Hm… our mystery combatant is none other than… fuck! No. No way.
Adrian: Ooo! Do we know him?
Russell: Adrian it's… it's you.
Segal: Hell'd ye suppose happened?
Adrian: Nevermind that, you guys. How'd you think OUTLANDER's holding up?
Russel: SPC-682? Well, he was pretty shark-like to begin with, so I can't imagine how he'd be worse off.
Maggie: Well, he should be around the next corner and down a ways, I say we go pay him a visit.
[The team continues uneventfully for several minutes through the darkened corridors, ending at SPC-682's holding cell. Adrian punches in his access codes, and the door opens. A deafening buzz emanates from within the chamber.]
Russell: Oh…
[The entirety of the room's interior appears to be filled with monochromatic scenes of war-time reel footage, played at 1.5x speed. SPC-682 is seen hovering in the air several feet from the team amidst this backdrop. Its appearance is that of an disturbingly hyper-realistic cartoon goblin shark. It makes no movement, but appears to stare at the team intensely as a loud, grinding drone echoes within the chamber.]
Adrian: [weeps hysterically]
Segal: [high-pitched shriek]
Maggie: Its staring into my soul!
Russell: Fuuuuuuck!!!
[The squad retreats down the hall towards an emergency exit and leaves the Arena, screaming the entire way. The rest of the recording is filled with unintelligible screams and cries as they await MTF Alfalfa-2's return; at which point, they settle down. The decision is then made to travel to Arena-19 to determine its status.]
Mission Rules: Travel to Arena-19, to hopefully find pugilists or entities unmarred by selachian influence.
In the red corner: Four members of Mobile Task Fist Betta-12. Four members of Mobile Task Fist Alfalfa-2 ("Heavyweight Sink-Bait")
In the blue corner: SPC-2935
<Round Three>
[Presumably due to distance from baseline, video feeds from the team degrade to the point of uselessness - audio contact is lost with all but Adrian.]
Adrian: Are we there yet?
Adrian: How much longer?
Adrian: I need to pee.
[Comments such as this continue in ten-minute intervals for the next several hours - edited for sanity.]
Adrian: Right, I should be able to…there.
Adrian: Yea, it is pretty spooky down here.
Adrian: Open it? Yea, I can — hold on. Plaque says: 'SPC is a spectral selachian entit—' oh, screw you, Segal!
Adrian: Uhh, let's try this way.
Adrian: No, I think it's actually… yea. See? It's fine you guys, you can clench your fists.
Adrian: Yea. Give me a second. I'll catch up to you guys.
Adrian: No, it didn't say 'Armed', it said, um, 'Warmed'. When the propulsion system kicks in, it warms the whole Arena. Let's just keep looking around.
Adrian: Jesus, this too?
Adrian: [sobbing]
Adrian: There's too many of them!
Adrian: [screaming]
Adrian: Yea? Well maybe if you pulled over and just let me pee we wouldn't be in this mess!
Adrian: I think we lost them.
Adrian: Hold on…looks like Coach sent a drone. Comon'!
Adrian: This one should lead us out the back.
[At this point, the feed cuts out completely.]
Mission Rules: To assess the status of the exploration team.
In the red corner: One fist-equipped automated drone powered solely by selachian ichor.
In the blue corner: Just…all the fucking sharks, you guys.
<Round Four>
[The drone departs from baseline. From the air, the full extent of devastation can be seen. All flora and fauna in the area possess shark-like features. The streets are littered with car accidents, with drivers still flopping around all silly-like in their seats. To the east, several sharknados tear across the county.
The drone continues on for some time, occasionally engaging in pugilism against passing shawks, swarms of bumble sharks, and an unusually persistent shark paraglider. Eventually, the drone arrives at Arena-19, and pings the team.
At dusk, the team arrives. Most of the members spread out and talk among themselves. Adrian approaches the drone, inserts collected samples, and begins to speak into the camera.]
Adrian: Listen. I think I have everything figured out. There was this note that dead-me wrote before beating himself to death. It was a warning. He already went through this. He went into his own SPC-2935 from here and when he came back? Well, something stuck with him.
It's… I don't - I'm certain of it. No one here's going to believe me, and if we try to head back… I can't bear to let it happen. I've got little sluggers back home! I can't let this happen to them! Any one of us could carry this, this thing back - let it do to our world what it did here.
Or you know what? What if it's me? If other-me went into that cave and brought it here… then maybe I'm the vector? Maybe I'm Shark?
At any rate, this place is rigged to blow. I can't take any chances. I can't live in a world of Shark. This will be my final action for the Centre - if I do this, maybe it will fix everything.
Ah crap. It occurs to me… if you're going to retrieve this…
You're Shark, too.
Maggie: Hey! Who're you calling a shark?Russell: Not sure, but I heard him call himself a shark a minute ago…
Segal: [cracks knuckles]
Adrian: Guys? Stay back! Guys, please! Hey! No!
[Everyone proceeds to beat Adrian senseless until everything just fucking explodes. The end.]