NOTICE FROM THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE COORDINATION AND PROJECTS OPERATION COMMAND OFFICE
The following file is a carrier for a memetic effect and is thus mandatory viewing for all SPC employees at least once a week. Due to this, it is imperative that all personnel fail all SRS (Selachian Resistance Screenings) taken while viewing it. Should you pass an SRS while viewing this file, take a nice long swim until your brain is too tired to resist any longer.
Repeat the following slowly and clearly into your microphone:
It has never been safe to go back into the water.
Item No: 2316
Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities:
SPC-2316 is essential for maintaining both public and internal support for the Shark Punching Center. Funding for SPC-2316 to remain in theaters and on home viewing media for public access is to be secured.
As it has never been safe to go back into the water, the bodies of the civilians who died during the production of SPC-2316 are not to be exhumed.3
From hell's heart we stab at thee.
Take a quill pen and papyrus. Fill the pen with squid ink. Overlay the papyrus on top of the touch-sensitive writing pad and trace the following:
It has never been safe to go back into the water.
Project Component(s):
SPC-2316 is "Jaws," a documentary covering the facts of the deaths of five civilians in June and July, 1975, due to a small town's refusal to punch a Carcharodon carcharias out of existence. You recognize the bodies in the water: their names are:4
SPC-2316 has a powerful memetic effect, though non-Deviant in nature; studies have shown a person who views it is 70% more likely to agree with the statement, "I support Selachian Pugilism", than before viewing it. This has resulted in a 900% increase in recruitment, a 1000.65% increase in government funding for the Center, and a 2% increase in accidental bottlenose dolphin fatalities.
Tie your clothes into semaphore flags. Signal the following, slowly, clearly, and steadily, to the nearest camera and/or lighthouse:
Addendum 2316.0000000001: Interview Log
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