SPC-1981: RONALD REAGAN SHARKED UP WHILE TALKING
SPC-1981 is a home video recording of deceased Academy Award actor Ronald Reagan. Topics have included praise of Selachian entities, the consumption of raw fish, and communism.
NOTICE FROM THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE COORDINATION AND PROJECTS OPERATION COMMAND OFFICE
SPC-1981 is currently active. At all times, an agent is to watch SPC-1981 for insights on future Selachian Aggression Events. Information collected on these events is to be input into the GLACON unit present in the viewing room. All personnel assigned to watch SPC-1981 must possess a SRI of at least 14.0, in order to prevent excessive expenditure of Centre resources. Agents who have previously been assigned to watch SPC-1981 and reacted violently are not to be reassigned to SPC-1981 duty unless possessing an SRI of at least 25.0. Agents who have reacted violently upon repeated assignments are to be permanently reassigned from SPC-1981. The GLACON unit will notify attending personnel immediately if agents display physiological signs of agitation and relieve them of their shift.
In the event of the reappearance of entity ONYX POET, a priority BETA-RED report is to be made to the CICAPOCO immediately; If entity ONYX POET is confirmed to possess Selachian attributes, a priority OMEGA-BROWN report is to be made instead. Engagement with entity ONYX POET should be avoided in either case; if no Selachian attributes are present, personnel are to attempt to contact ONYX POET as it may provide useful intelligence.
Still frames from SPC-1981. Note the presence of ONYX POET
Project #: SPC-1981
Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: SPC-1981 possesses no direct capacity for direct combat with Selachian entities. Instead, it is used to predict the future appearance of Selachian Entities. Centre forces are to be mobilized to future Selachian Incursion Sites when applicable. In addition, the entity or entities contained in SPC-1981 have on occasion provided unorthodox yet effective SPC methods.
Project Components: SPC-1981 consists of a standard Telcan tape. "RONALD REGAN SHARKED UP WHILE TALKING" (sic) has been written on the adhesive sticker in felt tip pen. SPC-1981 also includes one unit of a prototype GLACON-class supercomputer equipped with an experimental historical and predictive AI package designed to coordinate proper responses to future events without breaking causality.
SPC-1981 appears to be a home video recording of deceased Academy Award actor Ronald Reagan delivering his acceptance speech for his 1964 film The Fishers to the Academy of Filmographic Arts and Sciences (AFAS), at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium, Santa Monica, CA, on 4/5/1965. However, at 1 minute and 10 seconds, the speech begins to deviate heavily, eventually resembling no known speech ever made by Reagan. Upon rewinding SPC-1981 and initiating playback, Reagan will deliver an entirely new speech, often radically different from the ones previously observed. Topics have included praise of Selachian entities, the consumption of raw fish, and communism.
The speeches delivered by Reagan are mostly incoherent, lacking any sort of underlying thematic structure and largely being composed of nonsensical anecdotes and parables. However, every speech includes at least one reference to a future event that Reagan could not possibly have known about, such as the 1975 New England Selachian Attacks, the result of the 2016 American election, or █████ ██████████. Roughly 90% of these references involve Selachian entities. For this reason, a prototype GLACON-class supercomputer has been allocated for analyzing the speeches produced by SPC-1981. At least one (1) human personnel must supervise playback of SPC-1981 and input data into the GLACON system.
Beginning at approximately 5 minutes, Selachian attributes begin to appear haphazardly upon Reagan. Attributes appear to vary between different playbacks of the tape. No known order has been established for the appearance of Selachian attributes. Fins, gills, teeth, and [REDACTED] have all been observed. Reagan also appears to suffer from bites out of his skin and bruises that appear to be the size of a human fist. Despite suffering from transformations that would render an ordinary person unable to speak, Reagan will continue to deliver his speech until the end of the the Telcan tape at 20:00. Personnel are to note that to date SPC-1981 has provided actionable intelligence on over ██████ incidents, and must resist the urge to engage in combat with Reagan despite his increasingly Selachian attributes.
Entity ONYX POET appears in roughly 1 out of 6 playbacks of SPC-1981, replacing a member of Academy Staff. ONYX POET appears to mime punching motions. Entity ONYX POET has not reappeared since the events of █/█/12.
Acquisition Summary: SPC-1981 was found in 1981 by a member ("Brother Asmodeus Ganja") of Great American Watchmen, an association of individuals dedicated to the preservation of fine arts and cultural purity, and immediately turned over to the Centre on basis of "moral turpitude". Further investigation of the GAW library revealed an additional Telcan tape containing the remainder of Reagan's speech; however, this tape displayed no Deviant effects. The membership of the Great American Watchmen, when questioned, refused to admit any involvement in the creation of SPC-1981 and could not describe how they came to be in possession of it. They were administered a Class-A amnestics and released.
Ronald Reagan, then directing his 1981 blockbuster Evil Empire, was questioned about his involvement in SPC-1981, but showed neither prescience of Selachian attacks nor any Selachian features. As such, there was no need to subject him to any amnestic regimen.
Unfortunately, no reliable methods of duplicating SPC-1981 have been found, and as such only 72 playbacks of SPC-1981 can be done in one day.
Deployment Record:
0:16:25: -Reagan: My mother always told me that it was perfectly alright to be a shark. One recent study by the International Institute of Cipangu concluded that the world is much more alright to eat raw fishies than in the past hundred years. Shark! Shark! America is an abomination that will not eat fish properly! Twelve. If I had been born a shark, this world would be fair. Two. Three. Sharknado. Now there you go again.
0:17:17: -Reagan: I like having lots and lots of teeth. Lots of teeth is the best foreign policy. If you want to punch a shark, the snout is the most sensitive place, but the tail works too. Sharks are the next stage of evolution. My secondary mutation is scaly skin. Hit me when I'm down, in the snout; if you do that, I won't hurt you as badly. That's not a threat.
0:17:50: I am a shark!
0:18:20: [Audience Laughs]
0:18:30: [Reagan is now almost completely Selachian]
0:18:45: -Reagan: The Papal City, April 2013. Seizing the means of production is a crime perpetrated by the basest of fish. A storm of sharks from the heavens! It will be glorious!
0:18:50: [Reagan starts making pinging noises. Later theorized to be a form of Selachian echolocation. Observers report a sense of unease; however, no cognitohazardous effects detected. Pinging continues until end of tape at 20:00]
Centre agents in and around Vatican City were put in high alert for two years, to account for temporal drift, starting in the March of 2012. However, on 4/█/2013, an unexpected supercell tornado appeared in the San Francisco Bay, picking up an undetected school of Baseline-Type Selachian Entities and scattering it throughout the city of San Francisco. Deployment to the area was limited and underestimated the threat at first, resulting in a minor UK-Class (Unpunched Selachian) Beach Event. Centre forces were quickly mobilized, but the distribution of Selachian Entities made comprehensive pugilism impossible. A Centre-sponsored disinformation campaign promoted the Beach Event as viral marketing for the recent film Sharknado.
The geographical confusion in the event was later determined to be related to the recent election of Pope Francis. The GLACON system had predicted an approximately 25% chance of the Beach Event taking place in San Francisco; however, decreasingly cryptic communications by the SPC-1981 entity or entities had led to increasingly literal interpretations of information.
0:17:33: -Reagan [singing]: Under the sea… under the sea! Life is a lark, when you're a shark, a shark like meeeeee! Up on the fields they labor away, we'll seize the means of production someday! While we be sharks, down where it's dark, under the sea!
[REDACTED FOR EXTREME OBSCENITY]
0:15:12 [Members of the Academy appear to have engaged in an elaborate dance number that involves punching.]
0:19:01: -Reagan: Under the sea…. under the sea! When this film comes out, the world will shout, they'll be like meeee! That is the way, we'll make people see, this is the the way, the world ought to be, we'll all be sharks, it'll be a lark, we'll all have fins, we'll all go swim, under the sea!
0:19:55: -Reagan: Now there we go again! Ba-da-bum!
Following this playback, Centre agents were dispatched to ██████ Studios in Hollywood, where they confiscated the film reels of ███ ██████ ███████, a film that depicted several Selachian entities behaving in a non-aggressive manner. No cognitohazardous effects were discovered in the incomplete reels. However, following the return and release of the reels, Centre personnel a number of police reports describing disruptions outside of several Hollywood movie studios suggested that the final reels, specifically the musical number █████ ███ ███, was indeed infected by an infohazard that caused audiences to believe that they were Deviant-Type Selachian Entities capable of terrestrial ambulation and melodic vocalization. Notably, this infohazard is not present in the playback of SPC-1981. The affected film reels were confiscated and purged of infohazard for widespread release, and the city of Hollywood showed no anomalous symptoms after being dosed with airborne Class A amnestics. This event led to the acquisition and augmentation of SPC-████.
0:15:36: -Reagan: When I was a boy I went down to Omaha Beach. My grandmother took me fishing in the meadows. And there I saw the Megalodon. It told me that Kitty Hawk is a great place at this time of year.
0:15:49: [Video surveillance logs note that Agent ███████, on duty at the time, has started pacing the room]
0:16:01: -Reagan: Megalodon. A harvest of seals there will be, at Kitty Hawk! Seals with blubber, so ready and fat, so ripe for the taking. A wonderful harvest of fatty fatty fatty seals. Now there you go again.
0:16:17: [Agent ███████ has stopped pacing and is now staring at the screen. Reagan is mostly Selachian.]
0:16:20: -Reagan: But the body of human fat doesn't taste as good as seals. Smells good, but tastes putrid, like poison. Sticks in the teeth, makes meals unappealing. Makes it harder to dodge the blows. Fat humans? Taste horrible! Fatty fish? Yum, yum! Now there you go again.
[At this point, Agent ███████ approaches the GLACON input console to take note of a possible Pugnatorial technique; however, before he can finish, Reagan speaks again]
0:16:39: -Reagan: And that's why I, personally, will not be going to Kitty Hawk next weekend.
[Video logs indicate Agent ███████ immediately punches the television repeatedly until it shatters, preventing the remainder of the playback from being recorded. Attending personnel enter the room and restrain Agent ███████]
When questioned, Agent ███████ claimed that SPC-1981 had "insulted his mother." Upon being pressed further, Agent ███████ admitted that his mother had recently complained that her doctor had classified her as slightly overweight, and that her Women's Association was going on a day trip to the Kitty Hawk Beach over the next weekend. Centre agents were summarily dispatched to Kitty Hawk where they encountered an abnormally high level of Selachian Entities, and they engaged in pugilism. No civilian casualties were noted from the incident, and Agent ███████'s mother's trip occurred without incident.
Since this incident, a statistically significant number of playbacks have predicted Selachian Incursion Events at locations where the close friends or family of observing agents, henceforth referred to as subjects, have future plans for recreation. Agents are advised that SPC-1981 has insulted the weights, heights, good tastes, and [REDACTED] of its subjects; however, foreknowledge of these events has allowed the Centre to increase its rate of direct Selachian pugilism. Furthermore, a statistically low rate of Selachian-Induced Injuries have affected subjects of SPC-1981 compared to the general population. While distressing to collect data from, agents are reminded that SPC-1981 has never resulted in lethal injury for its subjects.
0:00:00: [Long shot of podium as well as empty chairs normally occupied by Reagan and Academy Members.]
0:00:30 - [Camera zooms in on podium.]
0:02:55 - [Entity known as ONYX POET enters shot from left and stands at podium. Entity begins slowly moving hands, later determined to be using American Sign Language.]
0:03:10 - SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE FUCK
0:03:45 - I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP
0:04:02 - I HATE THE ABERRATION TOO, YOU KNOW
0:04:36 - YET YOU'VE TRIED TO PUNCH ME AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH
0:05:55 - SCREW YOU
0:06:13 - I'M OUT
0:06:23 - [Entity remains still for the remainder of the recording]
0:19:05 - [Telcan flashes to single frame intertitle with words "STOP PUNCHING SHARKS" colored in red. Holds for remainder of tape. Personnel watching recordings of this playback are advised to remain calm and remember that the entity has provided ██████ pieces of useful intelligence in previous recordings.]
Following this incident, Entity ONYX POET has not reappeared. Personnel are to immediately engage in diplomatic appeasement should it do so.
