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This target is currently ALL HANDS ON DECK status. Any and all suggestions for pugilating this Selectable Pugilism Casualty will be taken under consideration.

Next time please for the love of Cod make sure we have spacepunch capabilities *before* taunting space-selachians.

—Dr. August Solstice, Boxercrat, CICAPOCO


SPC-1548. If you can't tell which one it is, you're not a real pugilist.

Selected Pugilism Casulaty: SPC-1548

Species: SPC-1548 is PSR B0531+21, a selachian-shaped optical pulsar in the Crab Nebula.

Powers: The pugnātorial potential of the star was not known until 1968, when Pugilist M███████1, began observations via radio telescope. Pugilist Michaels issued the following threat to SPC-1548 in Morse Code: "FUCK/YOU/SELACHIAN" to entice the selachian into pugilistic range. Radio observations revealed that the star was, in fact, accelerating towards the Solar System.

Over the course of the next ten years, SPC-1548 was observed to accelerate to approximately 0.85c (2.55x10^8 m/s). During this period, the Centre began to transmit increasingly threatening messages, with common phrases being "SELACHIANS CANNOT HIDE" and "ONLY DEATH TO SELACHIANS"2. Having reached its apparent maximum velocity by deviant means in late 1978, the Centre's messages were updated to be significantly more specific in their threats.

Messages began to take on a personal tone, threatening the star with fists of various sizes and pugilistic maneuvers with cosmic power. The star, in turn, began threatening the Centre with "prompty [sic] devouring into [its] tummy." Messages sent while telescopes are recording automatically, without human involvement, are normally general threats against selachians as a whole. The means by which SPC-1548 apparently predicts the future in order to time the reception of its pulses is unknown, but to be honest, who the fuck cares, it's a sharkselachian entitySHARK345.

Considerations: SPC-1548 is to be observed by astronomical personnel at Research Unit-█6. Three small-scale radio telescopes are currently in use to allow for 24-hour message reception. All sent messages are to be transcribed and transmitted to the SPC-1548 database at Site-█7. MFT Gamma-5 is currently assigned the task of spreading messages received from SPC-1548 and increasing Centre morale.

Considerations 1548-A: On a date, (currently unknown as it was blackboxed), C-12, on medical leave from Centre duties, accidentally directed a small optical telescope in the general direction of the Crab Nebula, which prompted a response from the star. The Center's telescopes recorded the following:
"I just remembered this: the coordinates of all Centre locations and the names and addresses of all Cowabunga Council members."

Following this transmission, the star responded at a pulse rate of over 1khz, necessitating the use of high-speed cameras to record the message. Over the next eight hours, SPC-1548 transmitted a shit ton of data, totaling more than a gigabyte of information. This was the longest continual message to date.

Considerations 1548-B: SPC-1548 is reclassified as a Megalodon-Level threat to the Centre by order of C-12.

I don't care if it gets here in 5,700 years. This thing needs to taste a knuckle sandwich yesterday. - C-12

Considerations 1548-C: After the major solar flare on 11/4/2003, the Centre received a brief message stating "FUCK SHARK PUNCHERS". Comparable messages have been received after every significant solar event since that date. The Centre has responded by terraforming the moon into a cosmic pugnātorial anti-selachian weapon.

Considerations 1548-D: Centre poindexters have pointed out that due to how light travels, SPC-1548 actually started moving towards the Earth 6,500 years ago faster than light (outrunning its light emissions thus we only see it accelerating now). Anyways who even understands them nerds, the important thing here is, pugilists - apparently the little shit is going to arrive sometime in the next few centuries. All Centre efforts have been refocused onto combatting its arrival.



SPC-1548 is currently ongoing.

We will be ready for full deployment before I retire.

Search, Punch, Conquer.

—Dr. August Solstice, Boxercrat, CICAPOCO

Project #: SPC-1548

Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: SPC-1548 will deliver the punch to end all punches. When completed, it will deliver a 1000 Megalaton89 blow to SPC-1548 (The selachian entity not the project, can someone please update our terminology? (No.)), serving as a galactic warning to all extraterrestrial selachians. Furthermore, the removal of the primary component of SPC-1548 from earth orbit will disrupt the tides, ruining the tidal calendar rituals of the Sharkic Empires.

Specific Project Components: The Tyson Ontic Pugnator was originally developed to provide a means of Selachian Pugilism against SPECTRUM NETHER threats. Further developments in the field of Ontic Pugilism have led to personnel dimensional breaching. This has culminated in the Tyson Pugnatic Distortion Drive: While early forms of Tyson Ontic Pugilism were gross and inefficient ways of breaching holes directly into adjacent universe, modern TOP techniques allow the fine-tuned manipulation of the fabric of spacetime. The Tyson Pugnatic Distortion Drive allows personnel to warp space and accelerate bodies of large mass to superluminal speeds via the ritual performance of pugilistic kata.

50% of Standard Centre Rebreather and environmental equipment has been reserved for SPC-1548 to assist with dangerous environment terraforming. The Primary Component, as of now, is philosophically unsuitable for pugilistic purposes. Centre frogmen10are currently engaged in the restructuring of the Primary Component to be of suitable design and structure to qualify as pugilism, as well as containing life-support systems to be self-sustaining for indefinitely long interstellar journeys.


What defines a "punch"?

There has been war upon Earth since the dawn of time. If you believe the teachings of the Botswains of the Cog of God, all sentient life was once one— but then God offered us a Choice, to board the boat of the knowledge of Good and Evil, or to wallow in the evils of the abyssal depths forever.

Those who took the offer became humanity. Those who refused, and followed instead the teachings of Grand Sharkcist Ion, became the Sharkics.

Ever since then, the world has been set against itself in an unstable stalemate. Generations of our ancestors fought against the Sharkics and their selachian allies fruitlessly. Spears and bows lost momentum underwater. Black powder failed to ignite. Electrical arc weapon could not distinguish friend from foe. Even above land, our ancestors met with inexplicable failure after inexplicable failure.

Only the purest of weapons, the fist, succeeded.

It is as close to a rule of the universe as any. Even beneath the waves, even in the upper atmosphere, even in the depths of space, the closed hand remains the mightiest weapon of them all.

And so we come to SPC-154811. Slinging a rock at a selachian entity is stupid and doomed to failure. It is a slingshot, a catapult, a cannon — instruments that have failed a hundred thousand types before.

But shape that rock, massage its craters and crevices into knuckles and phalanges, and make it seem to clench — and you have created the ultimate weapon.

The primary component of SPC-1548 is the natural satellite of Earth, Luna12the Moon. LunaThe Moon is currently undergoing extensive lunaforming procedures to shape it to be more suitable for pugilism. Currently, Luna the Moon is a sphere, and is therefore unsuitable for pugilism. SPC-1548 will reshape Luna the Moon into a fist as well as imbuing it with superluminal capabilities. When completed, SPC-1548 will be capable of spending generations in interstellar space hunting and punching interstellar Selachians.

Projected Deployment Parameters: SPC-1548 will be ready for launch within 20 years. We will strike SPC-1548 (the target, not the weapon) with SPC-1548 (the weapon, not the target) before it gets within even one light-century of Earth. The Centre has increased its recruiting for the Stellar Pugilism Corps, in accordance with GLORIOUS BEACON protocols, to ensure full capacity at launch time.

The expected effects on Earth's biosphere include:

  • Significantly normalized sea levels (good, as it will expose current Sharkic territories to easier access for pugilism)
  • Change of earth's axial tilt and increasingly unpredictable seasons + weather (neutral)
  • Diminished tides and smaller waves (bad; loss of surfing potential.)

To mitigate these changes, the Centre is continuing to research the gravitational applications of Tyson Ontic Pugilism in order to artificially replicate the gravitational effect of Luna the moon via enhancement of pre-existing WORLD IRIS infrastructure.

The loss of the big wave at high tide will be regrettable, but we must not let the losses of the short-term stop us. We can clench the future in our fists. We will replace the moon with our own artificial gravity, so we might summon the waves wherever we so please. But for a brief moment, there might be a single future generation that will not know the triumph of cresting a wave at high tide and plunging into the depths to land a solid right hook on a selachian snout.

But our descendants will forever see in the heavens our greatest glory.

Godspeed, pugilists. Godspeed, heroes.

Search. Punch. Conquer.

Grand Master Joseph Marlin, Artisan Workers' Cohort of Yerevan, C-13

Deployment Log:


Resounding Success.

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