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SPC-1545½ — Shark Punching Center Boxing Its Way Through the Anomalympics (Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Punch the Hell out of the Opponent, Shark or Not)
Co-written by
romrom and
TimothyYoung
Entry for the SPORTSCON
The opponent in a state of confusion from the plan's success.
Project #: SPC-1545½
Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: Not only is SPC-1545½ unsuitable for fighting sharks, but it is also deliberately designed to counter non-selachian entities. SPC-1545½ allows the extraordinary punching capacities of SPC agents to be extended toward other subjects, improving the Center's ability to fight against the Groups of Finterest that disrupt the Center's operation even though they are not sharks themselves. However, this may directly contradict the Center's ideology, which stipulates that it must exist only to punch sharks and nothing else. Therefore, the Department of Propunchaganda is to formulate an ethical and reasonable explanation for this operation before the Anomalympics end. Should the department fail at this task, all related documents are to be terminated after the closing ceremony.
Project Components: SPC-1545½ is a method that may be used when agents have lost their punching ability and will to fight, and need to restore their strength and vitality to full condition. To execute SPC-1545½, a shark costume is to be first prepared, and then the opponent is to be beaten down and restrained before forcibly making them wear the costume. The following tools may be used to prevent the costume from being taken off.
- Superglue
- Duct tape
- Sticky rice
The costume can be non-anomalous, with no particular restrictions, but the effect intensifies when the costume is easily identifiable as a shark and covers the entire body. The effect persists indefinitely as long as the costume remains on, but a longer execution may allow the subject to find a way to remove it or for the costume to wear out. Hence, it is recommended that SPC-1545½ be executed moments before the match, if possible.
SPC-1545½ was devised to resolve the issue of Center athletes performing worse than usual in the bare-knuckle boxing competition at the Anomalympics. Many rising stars of the Center faced much trouble, as they were not familiar with fighting against non-shark entities. Although they qualified past the preliminary rounds through database manipulation by the coaches, an alternative approach was required for the upcoming matches, as those would be held in a tournament rather than a round-robin format. As SPC-1545½ demonstrated a 100% success rate when tested on civilians passing by, it is expected to be a major help in allowing the center to win medals and let its splendor be known.
Contextual Information:
The last bare-knuckle champion, John L. Sullivan.
Sport Event: Paranormal Bare-Knuckle Boxing
Introduction: Bare-Knuckle boxing is a type of combat sport that was popular before modern boxing rules were established, disallowing any protective equipment on hand, especially on the knuckles.
Paranormal duel and the martial arts have developed in many ways and forms throughout the ages, with countless people pursuing the strength of the bare human body itself. To commemorate those histories, the first Anomalympics decided to host a Paranormal Bare-Knuckle Boxing event.
Rules: The match ends when one competitor cannot stand up for longer than 10 seconds after going down or when one side surrenders. Rest time is not provided, and athletes should remain inside the ring during the match.
Acts such as biting, head-butting, or eye gouging are forbidden. One cannot cover their own limbs with equipment such as gloves or brass knuckles, but it can be permitted if it is part of their body.
In addition, as long as the rules above are followed, it is possible to use anomalous abilities to augment one's physical ability, to weaken the opponent, or as a means of attack. Please bear in mind that, like any other Anomalympic events, any act that can harm the long-term career of the opponent is still forbidden. If you are unsure if an anomalous action abides by the rules or not, you are encouraged to contact one of the judges before the match begins. If an athlete is later found to have committed a rule violation, they may be disqualified.
Discarded Plan: Operation SHARKRAMBLE
The SPC agent wearing SHARKRAMBLE goggles.
SHARKRAMBLE goggle is a currently scrapped plan, led by the coaches before SPC-1545½. The equipment was made by modifying the goggles designed to combat SPC-096 and downloading SPC-079, 8-Bites.aic, SPC-001-EX, etc., onto it. The SHARKRAMBLE goggle intercepts the visual image before the wearer can perceive it, and the face recognition software detects and warps the image so that all humans in the wearer's sight appear to be sharks.
SHARKRAMBLE goggles can also make shark images appear more feeble or threatening, depending on the wearer's character, further stimulating the battle spirit. Other functions include secretly shooting poisonous darts, supplying yummy juice, and self-destruction.
Initially, SHARKRAMBLE goggles were considered the perfect solution to the problems encountered in the preliminary rounds, but two problems soon arose. Firstly, non-humanoid opponents disrupted the goggles' functionality, and making the goggles more sensitive ran the risk of mistakenly attacking other non-human objects. Secondly, the budget ran out while installing other functions before the mechanics could add a friend-or-foe identification feature. Therefore, the athlete may inadvertently mistake the spectators, the judge, the same team, or the coach for sharks and attack them.
The coaches eventually devised SPC-1545½ while thinking of a way to utilize the remaining budget.
Enhancement Summary: Operation Selachian-like Punchable Clothes
As the remaining money in the coaches' and the SPC sports team's bank accounts was about $20, the Center personnel were set to devise a method that could function universally with a limited budget. Victory in the Paranormal Bare-Knuckle Boxing was deemed to be a vital mission for the Center, as it could showcase the Center's stunning punching capabilities to the dirty rotten sharks. Therefore, the Oracle made a unanimous decision allowing the production of a device that will make a non-selachian appear as a shark.
Various items with the anomalous property of changing a non-shark human to a shark were cataloged to this end. One of the items that received more attention was SPC-1545. SPC-1545 is an anomalous two-person shark costume that makes any wearer believe they are "Shaggy the Shredding Shark," going around ruthlessly biting any individual near them. Personnel within SPC-1545 continue this behavior until they are removed from the costume. What happens when they are not pulled out of the costume is unknown, but in most cases, they are beaten to death by Center personnel.
SPC-1545 upon discovery. At the right is a Center personnel who disguised as a selachian to infiltrate the site.
The coaches continued researching day and night for three days, but were unfortunately unable to replicate the sharkification effect. However, it was revealed that assigning the identity of a selachian with such a tool can significantly boost the fighting spirit of the Center's personnel. The coaches purchased several non-anomalous shark costumes and put them on Dorsal Fin-Class Personnel before beating them up. Civilians passing by were also conscripted as the D-Class Personnel and beaten up to minimize sources of error. And thus, SPC-1545½ was born.
Below is a recording of the first main match of bare-knuckle boxing at the Anomalypics, where SPC-1545½ was utilized.
Three Portlands Anomalympics: Paranormal Bare-Knuckle Boxing 1st Main Match
SPC VS GCO
Color Commentator: Daeheon Yoon (GCO Physics Division)
Play-by-Play Announcer: Researcher Adamo Smalls (SCP Foundation?)
Location: Three Portlands MC&D Arena
Commentator: Good afternoon, everyone! This is the color commentator of the paranormal bare-knuckle boxing event of anomalous combat sports, Daeheon Yoon.
The camera transitions. The background contains nothing, except for Researcher Adamo Smalls, who is standing still. Researcher Smalls realizes he is in a plane of nothingness and stares at the screen.
Announcer: What? Where is this place? Who are you! I, I believe my existence itself should have been…
The screen changes. Researcher Smalls stands within the MC&D arena. Thousands of spectators burst into cheers. A boxing ring can be seen behind him.
Commentator: He's from… the SCP Foundation? Haven't heard of it, but it's Researcher Adamo Smalls from that organization.
Announcer: Oh god, I get it now. I wasn't deleted; it was just that the deletion itself became part of the work as well, and I ended up floating between the canons. I can feel the knowledge of this world entering my head. I get what I have to do. Hello everyone, this is Researcher Adamo Smalls from the SCP Foundation. I am within the stadium right now, ready to broadcast the gameplay.
Commentator: What an amazingly convenient explanation! Did someone write a script for you? (Laughter)
Announcer: Yes, that's exactly how my genre works. Anyhow, it appears that the athletes are entering right now. Mr. Yoon, please tell us about the competitors today.
(The camera shows a massive figure wearing spandex. He has shaved his head completely, has a muscular build, and wears two championship belts around his waist. The man walks into the arena, showing off his thick leg muscles.)
Commentator: Let us introduce the first competitor. Louis Dupont from the Global Cetacean Obliteraters! GCO aims to liquidate all cetacean creatures by kicking the hell out of them. What fabulous lower body muscles are those, befitting their goal.
Announcer: Wait, was kicking allowed in boxing?
Commentator: I used to think so too, but surprisingly, yes. In the older ages of bare-knuckle boxing, kicking was a common practice, and we are allowing it too.
(The camera pans to now show a man with a smaller body. His upper body has many shark bite marks, and he has a sturdy but swift physique. The man is only wearing a pair of jeans.)
Commentator: And his opponent on the other side is Nicola Domio from the Shark Punching Center. He's a newbie at the Center but is famous for starting to punch the selachians long before that. It's said that he brought 500 shark teeth to the Center for the interview, earning him the nickname "Domio the Dentist."
Announcer: Great. Now it's time to hear the two athletes' determinations for the match. Mr. Dupont?
Louis Dupont: Thank you, I don't have much to say, but I'll make sure to let you know how strong these legs can be. Those Center folks jabbing their forepaws will be no match.
(The crowd jeers. The personnel who seem to be from the Center throw lances made out of shark bones, but the GCO cheerleaders fend them off with their kicks.)
Announcer: How provocative! Mr. Domio, what would you like to say to that?
Nicola Domio: We do have plans for everything. Our friend right there will shiver like a tiny cookiecutter shark today.
(Two people run in from the entrance which Dupont used. The two are wearing SPC uniforms, dragging SPC-1545½ behind them. Domio flinches and steps back, but soon approaches them again. The two people jump onto Dupont, holding SPC-1545½'s head, forcibly making him wear it.)
Louis Dupont: Huh? Mmph! Mmmph! Mmmmmmmmphhh!
(Dupont struggles, but the two personnel restrain his legs and pour superglue into the mask. When the inside of the mask is completely filled with adhesives, the two cram the limbs into the rest of the costume's body parts. Domio stands still, watching this happen.)
Announcer: Oh my, what is happening? The athlete Dupont has caught a surprise attack before the round even started!
Commentator: I just received a message from the judge. It seems like the match has already begun! The Center appears to be putting on the newly designed performance-enhancing equipment! They received the judge's permission, too!
Announcer: Uh… shouldn't they put it on their own athlete if they want to enhance the performance?
Commentator: It works by forcing the opponent to wear it and drop their performance, and as a result, enhancing that of their own athlete.
Announcer: Aha!
Louis Dupont: Hey you!!! Don't just stand there, come here and help me! Some madmen are pouring superglue onto my- Mmph! Mmmmphh! Ack, aack!
Announcer: Sorry, but it's all part of an approved procedure.
(In a few minutes, the two personnel hold Dupont up, stuck in the costume, and throw him onto the ring. The duo flees the scene, and Dupont staggers his way up. Dupont gropes with his arm, attempting to take off SPC-1545½, but fails.)
Commentator: And let the game… begin!
Louis Dupont: N- no!
Nicola Domio: Yes!
(Domio enters a mounted position onto Dupont, who is still on the ground, and throws ruthless punches. Each and every punch surpasses the speed of sound. The sonic booms echo throughout the arena. The crowd on the SPC's side bursts into cheers. The attack continues, alternating between left and right hooks, and Dupont's body is shaken back and forth.)
Commentator: Indeed. Sharks, it's the sharks. Whenever the Center people see selachians, they instantly receive a massive power buff. What merciless punches they are, and the amazing speed!
Commentator: Furthermore, due to the rules of bare-knuckle boxing, you can't attack the opponent if your limbs are wrapped in clothes! That would be considered cheating!
Announcer: But Dupont is no easy opponent. Look at those legs!
(Dupont's legs twitch before they manage to withstand the bodyweight and slowly lift up Domio, still in the mounted position.)
Louis Dupont: Losing so easily like this… is not for me!
Announcer: He's trying to stand up using only his legs to get out of the hold. Oh, he's getting up, he gets up, look, look!
(Dupont lets out a roar as he stands up, flinging Domio outside the ring with the momentum and smacking him into the floor. The camera pans. Dupont stands within the ring, with the leg part of the SPC-1545½ ripped apart.)
Louis Dupont: Phew. I almost fell for a cheap trick.
Announcer: Oh! And he's free! Louis Dupont tore up the costume and stood up with only his lower body!
Louis Dupont: And now I'm free to beat you up with my bare feet.
(Domio leaps back into the ring. Dupont jumps onto Domio and pounds him, trampling him violently and beating him up.)
Louis Dupont: And this one! And this one, and this one, and this one is also for the Dolphins!
Commentator: Did the combat skill plummet just because the opponent's now only half a shark? I've never seen a Center agent get beaten this badly!
Nicola Domio: Gahhhhhh!
Announcer: I can't believe my eyeees!
(The two agents come running in once again, this time from the Center side's entrance. The two agents hold SHARKRAMBLE goggles.)
Nicola Domio: C- could it be!
Agent: Nicola! This is no time to care about the costs! Put on these goggles right now! It will make him look like a shark back again and power you up!
Louis Dupont: Stop with your cowardly tomfooleries! First the shark costume, and now this? Do you even have any sportsmanship?
(The two agents throw the goggles into the ring. Domio catches the goggles.)
Announcer: The goggles were sanctioned by the judge! The athlete is perfectly allowed to wear it! But why isn't Domio putting the goggles on yet?
Commentator: It seems that he is hesitating! Could securing a victory like this be truly considered a win?
(Domio holds Dupont's legs and throws him across the ring. Domio uses this chance to stand up, then looks at the goggles. He is bleeding from his nose, stumbling on the spot.)
Nicola Domio: Dammit. Dammit!
(Domio throws the goggles up into the air, shattering them with a punch.)
Commentator: What? He has smashed the goggles!
Nicola Domio: I am aware of it too! I know this is all just cowardly tricks! I have to win this match. I am the fighter from the Center! But I have to earn that win myself! That's why I'll be fighting fair and square!
Louis Dupond: Well said, my man.
(Dupond stands back up. The impact of the throw ignited the entire shark costume surrounding Louis, disappearing into ashes.)
Louis Dupond: But I'm not a shark anymore, you see. So what are you going to do now? Huh?
(Domio thinks for a moment, before making a nod as if he is determined and closing his eyes. He resumes the boxing step with his eyes still shut.)
Nicola Domio: No. The shark is still there.
Commentator: Wait! Is he closing his eyes? In this very combat where sight is essential? Domio made a bold decision to throw away the most vital of the five senses!
Louis Dupont: Seems like he went mad from all the pressure.
(A panting noise is heard from the spectator's seats. A golden retriever leaps into the battle zone. It is Professor Krakain Pathos Crow from the SPC.)
Prof. Crow: Allow me to explain!
Announcer: If it isn't the human body expert Professor Crow! But why is he here?
(The professor trots between the two athletes who paused fighting. The stadium's spotlight shines upon Professor Crow.)
Prof. Crow: A form of trade-off exists between the human senses. Such is the word of medical doctors. The paradoxical nature of the human body, where losing your hearing enhances your touch and sight, and losing one leg doubles the other leg's power in order to balance…!
Prof. Crow: In that case, won't the changes that will happen to Domio, who gave up his sight, won't the enhancement of his other senses be so intriguing? Why don't you see for yourself… his power of imagination!
Commentator: No way! Could it be…!
(Murmurs can be heard among the audience. Some complain about the fishy smell or the salty sea smell. Domio still has his eyes closed, continuing the boxing footwork. Suddenly, Dupont starts sweating all over his body while watching him.)
Louis Dupont: I can… feel my body getting wet! And this fishy smell must be!
Nicola Domio: There is no shark in this stadium. But in my head, there exists a completely nonexistent shark.
Commentator: He's imagining the shaarrk—!
(Domio throws a sudden jab with his right arm. Dupont fails to react and gets smacked in his face, dropping to the floor. Nicola stands in his place, continuing the boxing steps. Dupont lies still, staring at the ceiling blankly.)
Louis Dupont: I have lost.
Commentator: Why would he surrender!? Louis Dupont still seems strong enough to continue fighting!
Louis Dupont: I'm not even his opponent in the first place. He is fighting his own figment of imagination, the air shark. I'm a fighter of the GCO. A fighter must have someone to fight against. If I'm not even worthy of being considered an opponent, what else can I be but the defeated?
Louis Dupont: You have won, Nicola. And you deserve it.
Commentator: The shark's victory! It's a complete victory for Nicola Domio!
Announcer: Then let us finish the broadcast as Wilson's Wildlife Solutions arrives to collect the non-existent shark. Thank you all listeners!
Afterword: Shark Punching Center was able to move on to the second round, but the next opponent was a spectral entity and rendered SPC-1545½ useless, leading to the Center's defeat. The devisers of SPC-1545½ are currently held within the dungeons of Site-01, sentenced to a time of reflection in a hole with man-eating crabs.
Instead, a way to make the technique of fighting against the imaginary air shark with eyes closed available to all agents is currently under research.
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