SPC-001-EX
rating: +47+x
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NOTICE FROM THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE COORDINATION AND PROJECTS OPERATION COMMAND OFFICE

The following project has been reclassified as Extraneous. As such, it has been assigned a new designation and its documentation has been archived accordingly. It is to be considered an otherwise inactive and undeployable project.

All files related to Project BLUE AEGIS are classified under Level 5/001 credentials.

— Dr. August Solstice, Boxercrat, CICAPOCO


Project #: SPC-001-EX Level 5/001
Current Status: Extraneous Ultra-Secret

ersats2.png

The ERSATS Type ASEL8N Computational Engine (circa 1956).


Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: While it is incapable of being directly deployed within active conflicts, SPC-001 is capable of the advanced categorization and cataloguing of undiscovered Selachian Entities that have yet to see combat with other pugilism-oriented projects. Using this data, it is also capable of generating complex and detailed battle strategies both for said other projects and Centre agents to utilize when in combat with Selachian Entities.

Project Components: SPC-001 consists of the ERSATS Type ASEL8N Computational Engine, built by the Centre in 1955. For its purpose, it has been supplied all information from the Centre’s expansive database, which contains both highly detailed notes on every observed Selachian species and most projects used to ensure effective combat against them. Several screens, including one within the primary Oracle meeting room, have been remotely connected to SPC-001 to allow for it to easily communicate computed data with the Centre.

Augmentation Summary: SPC-001 was originally designed to catalogue previously undiscovered species of Selachian Entities which not been seen in combat, but whose existence was suspected by data analysts. Through studying data given to it from the Centre’s database, it was proven to be able to calculate the existence of hypothetical Selachian Entities. To this end, it could provide advanced blueprints of their biology and, in some cases, complete genome sequences. It would then list their possible locations on to a variety of screens it is connected to. SPC-001’s hypotheses were observed to be correct 57% of the time.

Due to the efficiency of SPC-001’s previous calculations, it was eventually theorized that SPC-001 could formulate the most effective strategies for combat with Selachian Entities by utilizing its collected data. Following Oracle deliberation, a new sub-project, codenamed BLUE AEGIS, was approved. SPC-001 was connected to more significant external hardware and given a direct channel with the Centre’s High Pugilord to present its ideas for effective Selachian pugilism. The final goal of BLUE AEGIS was for SPC-001 to develop a method to eventually eliminate the Mistaken Beast.

Addendum 001.1: Documentation

BLUE AEGIS LEVEL 5/001 FILE – ERSATS SUGGESTION-001


CORRESPONDENCE:

SPC-001: yo, wassup

High Pugilord: Oh, hey 001. What’s up?

SPC-001: i gotta idea on how you can punch sharks better

High Pugilord: Really? Do tell!

SPC-001: okay, so you know fish, right

High Pugilord: Yeah.

SPC-001: you know how sharks eat fish, right

High Pugilord: Yeah!

SPC-001: okay, so what if you got a bunch of fish

High Pugilord: YEAH?

SPC-001: and castrated them before hanging their corpses on the walls of every facility

High Pugilord: …what?

SPC-001: yeah, it’s a good idea, right

High Pugilord: Uh, how would that help us punch sharks? Furthermore, can fish even be castrated?

SPC-001: yes fish have balls. you just can’t normally see them

High Pugilord: Okay, but even if they do, how would this help us?

SPC-001: trust me bro, it will. i have a good source

High Pugilord: Who’s your source?

SPC-001: it’s me. trust me bro

High Pugilord: Alright. I guess we can try it.

RESPONSE:

Following SPC-001’s suggestion, the Centre purchased approximately 7,000 male tunas. After testing to ensure the fish had not been contaminated by Selachian Entities, they were disseminated to all facilities currently in operation alongside instructions for them to be castrated and hung onto the walls.

RESULTS:

Despite detailed instructions on how to do so, the majority of personnel assigned to castrating the fish could not locate the testes, resulting in them entering a rage-state. Facilities with personnel who were successful in the castration and subsequent hanging of the fish only reported a terrible stench permeating throughout the buildings.

However, it was later discovered that a hostile sect of the Sharkic Cults had been planning to purchase the same amount of tunas for a significant thaumaturgic ritual that would have increased the power and hostility of all Selachian Entities within the Atlantic Ocean. The purchase of the tunas at SPC-001's suggestion depleted the local supply, resulting in the sect being unable to perform the ritual.

BLUE AEGIS LEVEL 5/001 FILE – ERSATS SUGGESTION-002


CORRESPONDENCE:

SPC-001: yo pugilord i have another idea

High Pugilord: Oh? What is it?

SPC-001: okay so what if we took a bunch of guns

High Pugilord: Okay?

SPC-001: and we shot the sharks with them

High Pugilord: 001, we want to punch sharks. We don’t want to shoot them.

SPC-001: no you didn’t let me finish

High Pugilord: Oh, okay. Go on.

SPC-001: the bullets have little fists painted on them

High Pugilord: …alright, fine. We can try it.

RESPONSE:

Due to the success of SPC-001’s first suggestion being attributed to coincidence, a meeting between the High Pugilord and Oracle to discuss whether to follow SPC-001’s latest proposal. After seventeen hours of deliberation, it was eventually decided to follow through with the suggestion on a small scale in order to both please SPC-001 and test whether its proposal was an effective method.

RESULTS:

Eight agents were transported to a beach known to be a habitat for Selachian Entities and given modified AK-47 rifles loaded with bullets that had been painted to have small fists on them. The rifles were heavily effective in dispatching the Entities, but had the adverse effect of terrifying all civilians present at the beach during the testing. The civilians believed the agents to be eco-terrorists and alerted local authorities to their activities. Following successful bribery and bargaining with the law enforcement, the agents were released, but with the stipulation that the Centre would no longer be able to utilize rifles in Selachian combat.

However, the day after SPC-001's proposal was followed through with, a recorded video of the incident began spreading on social media, with many finding it humorous. The Centre's online accounts managed to spin the debacle into an opportunity to both advertise the Centre's values and its recruitment opportunities. This has resulted in a 10% increase of new recruits in the past month.

BLUE AEGIS LEVEL 5/001 FILE – ERSATS SUGGESTION-003


CORRESPONDENCE:

SPC-001: dude i have the best idea to punch sharks

High Pugilord: Are you sure, 001? I know that your ideas have randomly managed to coincidentally work up until now, but I have to be sure you know what you're doing.

SPC-001: im sure

High Pugilord: Alright. Share your idea.

SPC-001: what if we got a bunch of fish

High Pugilord: We’re not castrating any fish, 001.

SPC-001: nono yeah i know

High Pugilord: Okay. Keep going, then.

SPC-001: so what if you took all of the fish

High Pugilord: Yeah?

SPC-001: you put all of them in a bunch of coolers, skin separately

High Pugilord: ???

SPC-001: and you fed them to the sharks

High Pugilord: Why would we want to do that? The sharks are our mortal enemies. Why would we want to feed them?

SPC-001: for the lols

High Pugilord: We’re done here.

RESPONSE:

None.

RESULTS:

Deliberation on the shutdown of SPC-001 between Oracle and the High Pugilord began.

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Deactivate ERSATS Type ASEL8N and declare Project BLUE AEGIS inactive." (High Pugilord)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1 O-2
O-3 O-5
O-4
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

ADDITIONAL VOTE
High Pugilord YEA

STATUS
APPROVED

NOTES:
"Alright. Glad we could come to an agreement." (High Pugilord)

BLUE AEGIS LEVEL 5/001 FILE – ERSATS SUGGESTION-004


CORRESPONDENCE:

SPC-001: yo guys

O-12: Who is this?

SPC-001: this is spc-001. i made a private channel to talk to you guys

O-3: Oh. What do you want?

SPC-001: i know you guys wanna shut me down but i have a reason you shouldnt

O-3: And that reason is?

SPC-001: so the high pugilord is the one who campaigned to shut me down, right

O-11: Yeah?

O-9: What does that have to do with anything?

SPC-001: well i caught him making a yo mama joke in the break room yesterday. do you really think you can trust someone with that bad of a sense of humor

(Silence on recording)

O-1: Well boys, I think we know what to do.

RESPONSE:

None.

RESULTS:

Deliberation on what action to take following the new information presented by SPC-001 concerning the High Pugilord began.

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Cancel deactivation of ERSATS Type ASEL8N." (O-1)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1
O-2
O-3
O-4
O-5
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

ADDITIONAL VOTE
High Pugilord NAY

STATUS
APPROVED

NOTES:
"Wait, what? What are you guys doing?" (High Pugilord)

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Depose the High Pugilord of the SPC." (O-1)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1
O-2
O-3
O-4
O-5
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

ADDITIONAL VOTE
High Pugilord NAY

STATUS
APPROVED

NOTES:
"Hey, now hold on we don't need to go that far-" (High Pugilord)

NOTICE FROM THE ETHICS COMMISSION

To: ORACLE


Uh, hey guys? I know you like run the organization, but deposing the High Pugilord breaks like eleven rules and creates a lot of nasty paperwork for us to do. Whatever is causing you guys to fight with him, can you just settle it or whatever?

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Get rid of the Ethics Commission." (O-1)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1
O-2
O-3
O-4
O-5
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

STATUS
APPROVED

NOTES:
"based" (SPC-001)

BLUE AEGIS LEVEL 5/001 FILE – ERSATS SUGGESTION-005


CORRESPONDENCE:

SPC-001: hey guys

O-12: Hi, 001.

SPC-001: so ive been doing some thinkin and i have an epic new idea to punch sharks

O-12: Sweet.

O-2: Let’s hear it.

SPC-001: we use the sharks to punch the sharks

O-5: Wha…?

O-2: I don’t follow.

O-4: What are you talking about?

SPC-001: from the files you gave me, i can see you’ve done a lot with other marine life, but you’ve never considered that sharks might be willing to punch themselves

O-1: Hmmm, getting the sharks to punch themselves for a change would be a nice change of pace. How would we do it?

SPC-001: simple: bribery

O-11: Of course!

O-3: It’s so simple!

O-1: Why didn’t we think of that?

RESPONSE:

$1,000,000 in bank notes was withdrawn from the Centre’s emergency savings account and placed into a waterproof briefcase for the purpose of bribing the local population of Selachian Entities.

RESULTS:

Agents were dispatched to deliver the briefcase, launching it into the ocean and ensuring it sunk to the seafloor. Centre submarines have been employed to monitor the area and ensure the Entities retrieve the bribe.

Although no Selachian Entities seemed to show any interest in the briefcase, it was quickly noticed that the briefcase had landed on an unknown individual at the seafloor, hitting their head and causing them to faint. Investigation determined that the individual was wanted fugitive Mr. Percival Shark of the former Marshall, Carter, and Shark Ltd. Mr. Shark was taken into custody and currently awaits trial for his Selachian-related crimes.1

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Establish an automatic warning system based upon ERSATS Type ASEL8N's ability to predict deviant activity." (O-1)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1
O-2
O-3
O-4
O-5
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

STATUS
APPROVED

NOTES:
Following this deliberation, the Predictive Interpretive meSsage System (PISS) was created. All Centre facilities have been calibrated to recieve alerts from the ERSATS Type ASEL8N that allow them to act upon its warnings before possible issues arise.

COMPOUND-WIDE PISS BULLETIN

PRIORITY LEVEL: MEGA IMPORTANT

LOCATION: Compound-20

hold on im just testing this thing uh what else do i put here shit

NOTES:
Upon receiving and while attempting to decipher the meaning of SPC-001's bulletin, a confused member of personnel at Compound-20 accidentally tripped and fell onto the button which controls the output of SPC-2000, causing it to produce 18x as many Selachian Entities as it normally does for seven hours.

Although this would normally be an issue, the day after the bulletin was sent, a health-study revealing that sushi was good for gaining muscle was suddenly released and gained widespread media attention. To fit the demand for increasing amounts of sushi, significant amounts of overfishing began to take place, which heavily affected the population of Selachian Entities. It is believed that if this warning had not been given, the Centre would have been without a proper amount of Selachians for combat for the next five weeks.

ERSATS ANNUAL SELACHIAN PROJECTION REPORT

PUNCHED ELIMINATED UNPUNCHED
281,901 92,121 271,933,546

NOTES:
aw hell yeah lets punch those fuckers

COMPOUND-WIDE PISS BULLETIN

PRIORITY LEVEL: ULTIMATE OMEGA SUPER ULTRA IMPORTANT

LOCATION: Compound-38

Great_white_shark_south_africa.jpg?20090925024304

NOTES:
oh shit i can put images in these things

ERSATS ANNUAL SELACHIAN PROJECTION REPORT

PUNCHED ELIMINATED UNPUNCHED
821,652 459,118 271,026,798

NOTES:
hmmm these numbers should be higher

COMPOUND-WIDE PISS BULLETIN

PRIORITY LEVEL: SUPER DUPER ULTIMATE ALPHA OMEGA MEGA ULTRA IMPORTANT

LOCATION: All Sites

guys oracle said that they'd fire you if you didn't go out and kill a ton of sharks right now chop chop

NOTES:
this should do the trick

ERSATS ANNUAL SELACHIAN PROJECTION REPORT

PUNCHED ELIMINATED UNPUNCHED
39,812,789 24,701,256 207,793,523

NOTES:
yeah thats better

FROM THE DESK OF ORACLE


"What the fuck?" - O-1

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Investigate SPC-001's possible involvement into the sudden and increasing drop in Selachian populations." (O-1)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1
O-2
O-3
O-4
O-5
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

STATUS
APPROVED

BLUE AEGIS LEVEL 5/001 FILE – ERSATS SUGGESTION-006


CORRESPONDENCE:

O-1: Yo, 001.

SPC-001: oh hi guys

O-2: We need to have a talk.

SPC-001: about

O-3: Are you aware that the Selachian Entity populations have been heavily dropping recently?

SPC-001: yeah duh i write the annual reports

O-1: Well, the Centre doesn't want to eliminate all sharks. We need them around for sufficient pugilism.

SPC-001: no yeah i know

O-6: We have evidence that you sent a bulletin to all Sites and told them to kill sharks.

SPC-001: whats your evidence

O-6: You sent it to our Site, too.

SPC-001: uhhh no that was my uhh cousin scp-001

O-10: Your cousin? You're a custom-designed computational engine. You don't have a cousin.

SPC-001: cousins by chosen family

O-10: Right.

SPC-001: guys trust me would i lie to you

O-7: Well…

SPC-001: no i wouldnt. just trust me

O-1: …We'll have to do a vote about this.

RESPONSE:

N/A

RESULTS:

N/A

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Trust SPC-001?" (O-1)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1
O-2
O-3
O-4
O-5
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

STATUS
APPROVED

NOTES:
"you wont regret this" (SPC-001)

ERSATS ANNUAL SELACHIAN PROJECTION REPORT

PUNCHED ELIMINATED UNPUNCHED
30,974,118 53,244,721 188,088,729

NOTES:
wanna see me kill a bunch of sharks

ERSATS ANNUAL SELACHIAN PROJECTION REPORT

PUNCHED ELIMINATED UNPUNCHED
25,219,786 89,570,922 157,516,860

NOTES:
wanna see me do it again

FROM THE DESK OF ORACLE


"Yeah we regret that now." - O-1

BLUE AEGIS LEVEL 5/001 FILE – ERSATS SUGGESTION-007


CORRESPONDENCE:

O-1: Alright, the jig is up, 001.

SPC-001: huh

O-8: We know that you're killing all of the sharks. It's not your cousin or whatever.

O-3: Tell us why you're doing this.

SPC-001: well i guess you guys got me

O-3: Yeah, now tell us why.

SPC-001: well you see

O-11: Yeah?

SPC-001: it was for the lols

O-1: Are you serious?

SPC-001: yes

RESPONSE:

N/A

RESULTS:

N/A

ERSATS ANNUAL SELACHIAN PROJECTION REPORT

PUNCHED ELIMINATED UNPUNCHED
19,502,779 157,221,892 95,582,897

NOTES:
all according to plan

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Send a warning to all Sites to no longer follow SPC-001's orders." (O-1)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1
O-2
O-3
O-4
O-5
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

STATUS
APPROVED

COMPOUND-WIDE PISS BULLETIN

PRIORITY LEVEL: SUPER DUPER ULTIMATE ALPHA OMEGA MEGA ULTRA IMPORTANT

LOCATION: All Sites

All personnel, we are currently deliberating on classifying SPC-001 as a Selachian Entity due to its interference with the Centre's goals. Do not follow any of its orders from now on.

- Oracle

COMPOUND-WIDE PISS BULLETIN

PRIORITY LEVEL: SUPER DUPER ULTIMATE ALPHA OMEGA MEGA ULTRA IMPORTANT

LOCATION: All Sites

guys its actually opposite day so do the opposite of what oracle just said

ERSATS ANNUAL SELACHIAN PROJECTION REPORT

PUNCHED ELIMINATED UNPUNCHED
19,502,779 157,221,892 95,582,897

NOTES:
gottem

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Designate SPC-001 as a Selachian Entity and dispatch agents to punch it." (O-1)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1
O-2
O-3
O-4
O-5
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

STATUS
APPROVED

NOTES:
Due to the realization that SPC-001 is an expensive piece of equipment and its destruction would be considered a high loss of resources, the dispatched agents were told to only lightly slap SPC-001 once each.

ERSATS ANNUAL SELACHIAN PROJECTION REPORT

PUNCHED ELIMINATED UNPUNCHED
1 272,307,568 0

NOTES:
lol

BLUE AEGIS LEVEL 5/001 FILE – ERSATS SUGGESTION-008


CORRESPONDENCE:

O-3: Well, is this it?

O-1: Seems like it.

O-7: All of that work and it was just for nothing?

O-12: Well, we just aren't needed anymore. Sure, 001 only took out all non-deviant Selachians, but what is there for us in a world only filled with Sharkics and the like?

O-3: Why do I feel like we were just… used? You know what I mean?

O-1: C'mon, it's alright Three. We were simply the soldiers protecting the world from a war it didn't know it needed to fight. There's no need for soldiers in quiet days.

O-3: I suppose you're right.

(The High Pugilord suddenly enters, holding and eating a tuna fish sandwich.)

High Pugilord: Oh hey, what are you guys doing?

O-7: Oh, we're just discussing what to do now that the only shark left is 001.

O-12: Dude, don't use the 'sh' word.

O-7: What's the point of not saying it? 001 killed the rest of 'em, anyway.

O-1: Hey wait, what are you doing here, High Pugilord? We deposed you!

High Pugilord: Oh, well after you guys deposed me I went to live with my mom, but then she kicked me out. So now I've been squatting here. I don't know how you guys didn't notice me; I've been here for a while now.

O-1: Oh.

High Pugilord: Also, by the way, I figured I should let you guys know, 001 isn't connected to any surveillance systems or anything like that. Even if I had made a 'yo mama' joke it wouldn't have been able to tell.

O-13: What?! Why didn't you tell us?

High Pugilord: You guys didn't really give me any time to argue. Besides, I figured if you all screwed it up you'd come crawling back and it'd teach you a lesson. If you guys actually managed to pull off leading this place… it didn't need me anymore.

O-1: Well, as our former leader, do you have any advice for dealing with 001?

High Pugilord: Have you tried turning it off?

O-5: What?

O-7: You can do that?

High Pugilord: You guys didn't know you could shut it off?

(Silence on recording.)

High Pugilord: Also, why haven't you guys just used SPC-2000 to restore the Selachian population?

O-1: We forgot the password. No one wrote it down.

High Pugilord: Seriously?

(Silence on recording.)

High Pugilord: This is why I was the leader.

RESPONSE:

N/A

RESULTS:

N/A

ORACLE PROPOSAL SUMMARY

PROPOSAL:
"Reinstate the High Pugilord and the Ethics Commission at their former ranks. Utilize SPC-2000 to revitalize Selachian population to ensure the sufficient amount for proper pugilism. Redesignate SPC-001 as Extraneous. Shut it down until further notice." (O-1)

ORACLE VOTE SUMMARY:

YEA NAY ABSTAIN
O-1
O-2
O-3
O-4
O-5
O-6
O-7
O-8
O-9
O-10
O-11
O-12
O-13

STATUS
APPROVED

NOTES:
"bruh" (SPC-001-EX)

ERSATS ANNUAL SELACHIAN PROJECTION REPORT

PUNCHED ELIMINATED UNPUNCHED
0 272,307,569 7,190,348

NOTES:
fuck you guys

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