1. You should read Learning the Alphabet before considering reading this, at least to the end of the first act. (The content of this tale is probably the dream that occurs immediately prior to Boron Blisters, but there's no way to be sure.)
This was written waaaaay back when TwistedGears, the author of Learning the Alphabet, had only written the first tale, Anart Antics. In chat, he had been discussing his plans for the series - at least, how the first act was going to go down. The plan was for Aldon to sculpt herself a new body, with the intention of inhabiting it, but then for that to never occur because of Plot getting in the way.
Considering that the desire for a new body is why Aldon participates in the whole thing, I thought that was a bit of a disappointing way to end Act 1. And so, for the sake of closure, I recommended that, shortly after the terrible ordeal of Act 1 concludes, someone should just… run past and steal her penis, which would clearly solve all problems forever. (n.b. clearly not the case)
This was, of course, a very silly idea. It was worth referencing offhand in Cool War 2, my 2014 April Fools contribution. And then, foolishly, someone told me that it couldn't be written.
So I wrote it. Woops.
With that context, I hope you will understand that this tale is simply an exercise in absurdity, and I apologise sincerely for it even existing.
EDIT FROM 2019: Depending on who you ask, this is either one of the best or the worst things I have ever written, though most agree it is one of the stupidest. It made many people uncomfortable, and I responded to their criticisms flippantly whilst deep in the role of a Zany Boundary Pushing Artiste. This was dumb of me to do, and I'm sorry to those I hurt. On net, I think keeping this story around is preferable: even if only as a reminder to myself about my authorial fallibility, and not to write things like this again going forward.
3. Nobody should read this. It includes a penis swordfight.
One of the few things that Jakeob Aldon liked about having a penis was that she could urinate while standing up.
It was with a mix of confusion and astonishment, then, that she rose from her groggy, half-awake stupor to find the organ which accommodated said action missing. Aldon walked from the bathroom to the small parcel of chaos she tentatively called a "living room", then tapped her roommate on the shoulder.
"Oi, Finn."
Finnegan responded, not looking away from his computer monitor.
"Wuzzat?"
"Do you still have a penis?"
"Um. Last time I checked, yes."
"Check again."
Finnegan pushed his fingers between his skin and clothes, then raised his eyebrows. He pushed his hand down his boxers, checking where the flesh would normally be. Finnegan scrunched his face into a grimace, finally turning away from his computer screen.
"…I'm not sure what I was expecting."
"When was the last time you… checked?"
"It's not the sort of thing that I really need to investigate actively. Jesus, there's nothing there. It's like I'm a goddamn Barbie doll or something."
Aldon rubbed her palms against her head.
"I have no idea about how to solve this problem. I have no idea how to even begin."
"Have you checked the tapes?"
"Tapes?"
"Like, the security cameras."
"We have security cameras?"
Finnegan blinked twice.
"No. That was stupid. Forget I said that."
The pair of them went silent, entering into deep contemplation for half a minute.
This silence was then broken by a faint giggle from outside their window. The pair of them looked towards the noise, catching a flash of movement. They skittered towards the door, swinging it open to see a green gnome-like creature scuttling around the corner, cackling madly while holding a pair of fleshy lengths above its head. Aldon and Finnegan looked at each other, sharing a moment to relish the utter absurdity of the situation, before chasing after the thing. Finnegan shouted out to it:
"HEY! I WAS USING THAT!"
The pair turned the corner, sprinting down the sidewalk. Finnegan, used to sitting in front of a computer for hours on end, started to lag behind. Aldon, being much more athletic, kept pace with the rapidly moving creature. She put in more energy, slowly closing the gap between the two. The gnome glanced over its shoulder, giggling while its prizes wobbled around in its hands. This did, however, distract it from where it was going; it tripped slightly, losing its grip on one of the two. It turned to pick the organ up, but noticing Aldon closing, simply left it on the ground. Aldon slowed down as she passed the discarded member, deftly plucking it up from the ground.
It wasn't hers.
She blushed as she pushed it into her pocket; the thief was getting away. It ran carelessly through a set of traffic lights; Aldon weaved through speeding traffic to make her way across. It ran through holes in wooden fences; Aldon hurdled over the top of them. They ran to and fro across the town, chasing each other in a seemingly endless game of cat-and-mouse.
Eventually, the gnome made a wrong turn, sprinting down an alley with no exit. Aldon slowly approached the tiny humanoid, menacingly towering over it. The gnome stood defiant, holding its stolen dangalang as a makeshift sword. It shouted squeakily at its assailant:
"Have some honour! Fight me on an equal footing!"
Aldon sighed, taking out the member she had already recovered. She shook it to attention, then closed in, crossing blades with the thief.
Ms Doreen Stedtworth, an 81 year old lady who lived with seven cats, heard some kind of racket coming from outside her window. She decided that she would go take a look at what it was.
whap whap whap whap
"EN GUARDE, COCK GOBLIN!"
"THE PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD!"
Doreen would request a change in medication during her next doctor's appointment.
Aldon disarmed her opponent, holding her own armament menacingly to her opponent's throat. It gulped down a knot in its throat, falling to its knees.
"Fine, I yield, I yield! You have great skill with a blade, even though it is not your ow-"
"God, just shut up."
Aldon pocketed the pair of penises, then picked up the gnome by the scruff of its neck. She turned around, only then noticing Doreen Stedtworth staring at her. Aldon waved cheerily, then started to walk home.
"So… reattaching them?"
"Oh, they should just stick back on. Probably."
The gnome sat tied to a chair as its captors turned around, awkwardly fumbling beneath their pants. There was a collective moment of uncertainty, and then sighs of relief. Aldon whispered to Finnegan.
"So, we've got it. What do we do with it?"
"I dunno. Throw it at the men in black?"
"There's a line between just punishment and abject cruelty."
"It literally emasculated me."
"It's a tiny green dangalang thief, but it's not malicious, just mischievous."
"It literally emasculated me."
"We could probably keep it."
"It literally emasculated me."
Aldon turned around, putting her hand to her chin.
"I wonder how big a cage we'll need?"
"IT LITERALLY EMASCULATED ME."
The gnome sat and grinned at Finnegan, squeaking a response.
"You've gotta admit it was funny."
"No! No, I don't! You can't go stealing other people's body parts! Allie, we know nothing about it! This thing could steal our eyelids in our sleep! We could wake up without fingers! And most importantly, our rent contract says no pets!"
Aldon crouched down, looking at the gnome. It was, to some degree, adorable.
"What's your name, little guy?"
"Johnson. Johnson Theef."
Aldon looked up at Finnegan, struggling to keep a straight face. Finnegan put his palm to his forehead.
"Okay, whatever."
And that was how Jakeob Aldon got her first pet.
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