'Somatic Backups' (SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7)

SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Status	Selling
Demand	High
Value	3 500 000 GBP/4 500 000 USD per body, plus 154 000 GBP/200 000 USD annual storage fee
Availability	Unlimited
Identifier	Somatic Backups
Description	Our members know that neither death nor taxes are truly inevitable. No matter what vicissitudes should befall your mortal coil, you can rest easy knowing you have another one ready to go at a moment's notice. Our ontokinetic specialist will materialize a living yet souless body and ensure complete incarnation of your spirit. Spare bodies can be held in extradimensional stasis until needed for a minor fee. Disclaimer: Somatic customization, while possible, is ill-advised as the chances of side effects increase exponentially with each deviation from the spirit's original form. MC&D is not responsible for any side effects caused by requested customization.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Initial Report
Author	Doctor Neurosis	Date	The 3rd GumdayTM of SuperemberTM, 109th WonderyearTM
Interest	High	Identifier	Somatic Backups
Wowee, I can't believe I'm really here at MC&D! We heard a lot of spectacularly spooky stories about this place back at Wonder Tower, but I want you to know that I never believed them for a sizzling hot minute. Everyone here has been nothing but nice to me so far, even that demon who writes in all caps! Especially the demon, actually. Honestly, he's nicer than anything called a demon has any business being. Before I get to my project I just need to make it clear that Doctor Neurosis is not my real name, and I am currently incognito since I'm a wanted enemy of no less than three other anomalous organizations. That's just how life goes sometimes, but fourth time's the charm, right? Give or take? Anyway, my anonymity is part of my contract here, so anyone who may be privy to my actual identity is to keep it to themselves. Also, I'd like to thank Ms. Dark again for headhunting me so proactively. If it weren't for her, I'd be in a very very not-G rated place right now. Just thinking about what might have happened if she had shown up only a few minutes later makes me sick to my stomach and weak in the knees, I tell you. Out of all the deservedly horrible fates that could have befallen me, working for you is as wonderific as it is unjust! Now for my project! It's really unlike anything you've got right now, even those Anderson replicants. You see, I have this pocket-dimension kind of thing I call my Headspace. It's like the inside of your head, but outside of your head, and without having to crack your head open. Normally only imaginary things can exist inside of a Headspace, but I came up with a patented method to transform dreamy stuff into stuffy stuff! I go to my Headspace, dream up whatever I want, then make it real and bring it back with me! I mostly used this for rapid prototyping of inventions, and I'll still use it to make all sorts of wonderful products in the future that will help you compete with Wondertainment in the magic toy market, but my most miraculously wonderous creation was my own body! The body I'm in right now used to be imaginary, and my real one's dead! How amazing is that? I've also made a body for my girlfriend (who also used to be dead, as fate would have it) and I can make bodies for your clients too! Whether they're alive or dead, I just need them to step into my Headspace and I'll turn their imaginary body real! They can either have it right away or keep it in there until they need it, just like I did! There are some caveats, of course. As you all know, and I also know as long as I don't miss a dose of my meds, the real world isn't the same as our dreams. That's why things I make in my Headspace don't necessarily work outside of it. This is especially important when it comes to living bodies. I can't just make whatever body someone wants and then shove their soul into it and expect it to work. That's like, shoving a square peg into a round peg because you don't even know that pegs are supposed to go into holes. I can do some minor cosmetic or medical adjustments, sure, but any major changes are just asking for trouble. But let's not focus on everything that could go wrong. Everything's already gone wrong for me, so what else could happen, right? Let's have some fun!
File Opened Under:		SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7

Memo 01
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Sender	Ruprecht Carter	Recipient	Doctor Neurosis
Fresh off the boat, I see. We can work on you learning our corporate culture later, after you make me a new body. I'm no stranger to hopping bodies, I've been doing it since the turn of the last century. While all the bodies I've inhabited have been up to certain standards, none of them have been perfect. Sadly, the pool of donor bodies comes almost exclusively from the desperate and impoverished, and it's never quite sat right with me that my aristocratic soul should dwell in a body of common stock. I was absolutely tickled pink when I heard Iris had snatched up someone who can materialize entirely new bodies out of dream matter. I'll meet you in the London Office at 10 AM tomorrow, but I don't want a copy of my present body. We'll work out the specifics once I'm in your Headspace, but overall I expect you to make a idealized version of my original body. I hope you're up for the challenge. Your job depends on it.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Incident Report 01
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Author	Doctor Neurosis	Date	The 3rd WowdayTM of SuperemberTM, 109th WonderyearTM
Oh, jimminy gee golly this is bad. I should start at the beginning, I guess. That's what beginnings are for, after all. So, I took Mr. Carter into my Headspace and he took on the dreamform he wanted me to manifest. I tried to talk him into downgrading a bit, but he was insistent. Reluctantly, I set about manifesting the body. The first problem came about when he couldn't hold his ideal body long enough for me to manifest it. It takes a lot of concentration to hold a dreamform that's the absolute opposite of your true self, after all, and I got the impression that Mr. Carter doesn't have the strongest cognitive stamina to begin with. Halfway through the manifestation process, his dreamform lapsed into a projection of his… let's say avaricious nature. Who am I kidding, the thing was a monster. So there I am with a half-real, half-imaginary, half-human, half-monster and all angry Mr. Carter. He was demanding I do something, and I may have panicked a little, and I hit the eject button. That's supposed to throw all the real stuff back into our reality and all the imaginary stuff into the wider dreamspace. I got out no problem, but it seems that due to Mr. Carter's non-binary status in regards to being real or not at the time, he ended getting chucked into La La Land. Bottom line, Mr. Carter's body is still unconscious in my office, and his consciousness is adrift somewhere in the Oneiroi Collective. Hasn't found its way back yet. I reported all of this to Ms. Dark immediately of course, who took the news surprisingly well. She assured me she would handle it and told me to just write up an incident report, so here it is. I feel so bad. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 02
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Sender	Iris Dark	Recipient	Doctor Neurosis
Brian, we just tested the vacant bodies you provided us with. They do produce a bit of EVE, but nothing near what a person would. It's roughly on par with what we would expect from an equivalent biomass of single-celled organisms. They'll work as a source of EVE in a pinch, but their main use will likely be as organ donors for medical and research purposes. They could also come in handy if we ever find ourselves in need of decoy bodies. I don't know if it's come up yet, but when someone inevitably requests a vacant body for 'recreational purposes', that's to be denied. The main appeal of this product is eternal life, and I don't want any necrophiliacs sullying that appeal. Oh, and don't worry about Ruprecht. It was his own bloody fault anyway, and I have the situation well in hand. I texted a client of ours who visits the Oneiroi Collective regularly and she assured me she'll take a look for him the next time she's there.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

External Report 01
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Organisation	Oneiroi Collective	Acquired	The 3rd MelodayTM of SuperemberTM, 109th WonderyearTM
Method of Acquisition	Recovered from Oneiroi social media site
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 03
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Sender	Ruprecht Carter	Recipient	Doctor Neurosis, all executive contacts
For 165 years, I have been a senior partner in this company. I helped found it, I funded it out of my own pocket, I've been its public face and I am the only partner with the degree of charm and charisma necessary to land and keep big clients and investors, and when I go missing the entirety of the rescue attempt is an imaginary tweet sent by a dreaming Clown!? Sorry to disappoint so many of you, but I am back. Existing as an unmoored consciousness amidst the surreal chaos and liberal claptrap that is Oneiroi West was no walk in the park, but after what appears to have been two or three days I was able to make my way back to my body, which for some reason was still in Doctor Neurosis' office. No one could be bothered to take me to my penthouse? I am livid, do you people hear me? Livid! I want Neurosis fired, I want his assistant fired, I want his entire project shut down, if there's anything I can do to Iris for just letting me wallow in a literal nightmare world I want that done too, and I want the dates in this file changed to make some kind of sense!
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 04
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Sender	Hr'asm'Kal	Recipient	Ruprecht Carter
HELLO MR. CARTER UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE TO INFORM YOU THAT THE COMPANY IS UNABLE TO ACT UPON ANY OF YOUR REQUESTS FROM YOUR PREVIOUS E-MAIL. YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER DARK'S TECH TEAM, SO WE CAN'T FIRE ANYONE FROM THERE JUST ON YOUR SAY SO. BOTH OF THE MARSHALLS AND BOTH OF THE DARK(E)S WANT THIS PROJECT TO CONTINUE, SO I'M AFRAID YOU'RE OUTVOTED. PLUS, AS JUNIOR VP OF PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT, I CANNOT CONDONE SHUTTING DOWN SUCH A LUCRATIVE PROJECT SIMPLY BECAUSE OF A SINGLE UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT. NEUROSIS HAS ALREADY REDESIGNED THE EJECT FEATURE TO PREVENT SIMILAR MISHAPS FROM HAPPENING IN THE FUTURE, SO NO PROBLEMS THERE. NEUROSIS IS ALSO FREE TO USE THE WONDER WORLD CALENDAR SYSTEM, AS IT IS OFFICIALLY RECOGNIZED BY BOTH THE COUNCIL OF 108 AND THE WANDERER'S LIBRARY. SO LONG AS IT'S AN OFFICIAL, VALID SYSTEM THAT CAN BE CONVERTED TO THE COMMON CALENDAR, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM. THERE IS ALSO NO CAUSE TO DISCIPLINE MS. DARK. SHE VERY PROMPTLY ARRANGED FOR A REALITY BENDING DREAMWALKER TO LOCATE YOU, AND WE FEEL THAT WAS BOTH AN APPROPRIATE AND ADEQUATE RESPONSE. I APOLOGIZE IF YOU FEEL THE STAFF DID NOT REACT WITH SUFFICIENT URGENCY, BUT IN ALL FAIRNESS YOU WERE NOT IN ANY IMMEDIATE DANGER. ACCORDING TO ICKIS THE WAYWARDS'S TRAVELOGUE, ONEIROI WEST IS "A LOVELY REALM WITH A CHARMING AND WHIMSICAL POPULACE, WHO HAVE UNLEASHED THE FULL POTENTIAL OF THE IMAGINATION BY SHEPHERDING THE SURREAL INTO A PHANTASMAGORIA SURE TO DELIGHT, AMAZE AND PERPLEX EVEN THE MOST LEARNED AND COSMOPOLITAN OF WANDERERS". IF IT HELPS, THEY PROBABLY HATED HAVING YOU THERE AT LEAST AS MUCH AS YOU HATED BEING THERE.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

External Report 02
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Organisation	Oneiroi Collective	Acquired	The 4th HollerdayTM of SuperemberTM, 109th WonderyearTM
Method of Acquisition	Recovered from Oneiroi social media site
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 05
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Sender	Percival Darke	Recipient	Ruprecht Carter
Ruprecht, do you have any idea how hard won my contract with the Centaurial Dreamsmiths was? How vital their craft is to my work with Abstract Occultism? Know that I hold you solely responsible for this debacle. It matters not to me that Neurosis was technically at fault for your expulsion into the Dreamsphere, and I fully agree with Iris that your recovery hardly seemed to be an urgent priority. There is no excuse for a man of your age, no matter how narcissistic or epicurean, to devolve into a being of pure id like that. Had you ever bothered to study Planewalking, or lucid dreaming, or perhaps merely mindfulness meditation this could have been avoided. Ruprecht, you will do whatever is necessary to restore our relations with the Oneiroi. I've already told Iris to contact the Dreamwalker at the Circus of the Disquieting to see if she would be willing to parley on our behalf with the Collective. Your fate, Ruprecht, is now in the slumbering hands of a spasmodically saccharine Bozomorphoric confricatrice.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 06
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Sender	Iris Dark	Recipient	Ruprecht Carter, all executive contacts
The good news is that Lolly was able to get Oneiroi West to agree to send a representative to Neurosis's Headspace to negotiate terms of compensation. Ruprecht will be required to be present throughout the negotiations and issue a formal apology. I would like to make it clear that Ruprecht's participation in this is mandatory. Salvaging our relations with the Oneiroi is crucial, not only for economic reasons but also because we cannot afford to make enemies with a global incorporeal hivemind that can invade our dreams. Ruprecht will therefore require a proper dreamform that won't deteriorate into a mindless slime monster, so I'm authorizing Doctor Neurosis to design one on his behalf. Considering what happened last time, Ruprecht himself is not permitted any input on this dreamform, and its design will be entirely at Neurosis's discretion. So long as it is functional and aesthetically appropriate for its intended purpose, Neurosis is authorized and even encouraged to follow his whimsy. I would, however, like to request that the dreamform be one that Ruprecht would consider… humbling. If I especially like it, I may even grant Neurosis permission to materialize it so that Ruprecht can use it as his new body. That is after all how all of this started, and it would be unfair to Ruprecht to have to go through such an ordeal and come out empty handed.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 07
SOM64/B2DI5/3GYO7
Sender	Ruprecht Carter	Recipient	Iris Dark
… Dog's Bollocks.