- Coconino National Forest in Arizona, America-
(An old lumberjack turns on a laptop inside his shed.)
Hello dear viewers! Thanks for tunin in to my 1 million subscriber special stream!
I never knew Filip's farm would grow as much as it did, and I'm so thankful for all of you.
You might ve noticed that I've turned off the chat's voice for this one, i assure you for good reason. After all, today i would like to share a very important piece of my life with you all, as thanks for all you've given me.
If you've been following me for a while now, you'd know my birth wasn't exactly smooth. I was born with an anomalous condition that made by body lack any EVE (that's magic for the nerds out there) or have a near non-existent amount at least, taking any chance at a normal life with it, but as you all can clearly see, my now old bones are still kickin. Why you ask? Well, i guess I should begin by introducing the sponsor of today's stream Hunter industries! They're a local weapons shop that recently came to my parta town. To be honest, i wasn't sure bout em at first, but after hearin the story of their founders, i couldn't help but relate. Their tech has been getting me through life as of late so im glad i can share that with you guys.
But enough of that, y'all wanna know how to prep a fairy right? Well, you can count on ol Filip to give ya all the know. Since i haven't had my medicine yet thought I'd show y'all a live demonstration, so lets begin!
First of all, yer gonna need somethin to wear. It's very important to wear something that's…very important to you! Trust me it keeps ya concealed for the most part. You won't get that kinda tip from any other hunter, I'll say, gatekeepers, am I right, chat? You could also just wear the "oni" camouflage gear by Hunter Industries now at a 25% discount! Anyway, now you're gonna need some tools, for this kinda job it's important to keep yerself clean, fast, and delicate like the flowers our game usually sits upon. So, what tools do you need? Well, I'd recommend some jars or bags to stuff you're treasure into, I tend to use the new "Anastasis" duffles by Hunter Industries, along with their "Coyote" getaway truck and "Fenrir" laptop I'm using for editing these streams into those short tikytaks y'all love so much.
As for weapons, you'll need something silent but also delicate, I'd suggest "Enenra" smoke bombs, "Rokita" pistols for efficiency, and some pliers and a knife for when you get back.
(Filip takes his camera with him to the fridge, pulling out a six-pack of beer.)
But a cold one right before a mission? More valuable than any weapon you'll get, especially when you're crackin open a "Midas" beer right outta Hunter's labs.
(Filip attaches a smaller camera to his chest, leaving the shed and out into his truck.)
But that's enough prep talk, let's do this!
(Filip silently drives the truck to a nearly patch of forest, stopping just out of sight of a cottage.)
(Whispering) I've gotta be quiet here, folks, so sit back and watch a master at his craft.
(A humanoid being walks out of the cottage, Filip rolls a smoke bomb near the entity, watching the cloud of dust expand. The entity panics and attempts to get back in the cottage, shouting at other beings inside. Filip twists the nozzle of a pistol and shoots, watching the being drop to the floor, carefully stuffing it into a duffle bag. Filip returns to the truck and drives off. Upon returning to the shed, Filip takes the being out of the duffle bag, gently laying the body upright on a pod bathed in smoke.)
Now then, I'm sure y'all have alot of questions, so I'll take my time answering.
First, don't let my expertise fool you, I was keepin track of this specimen for a while. I didn't snag the whole family to keep things simple. Now besides my new "Wonderland" perservastion pod, you'll notice that my personalized "Rokita" pistol hasn't left a single dent in this beautiful specimen; that's quite intentional, fairies are delicate creatures, and while this one is tall as a layman, I assure you these precautions are necessary. Our keen-eyed viewers should've also noticed that even though he tried to call for help, our specimen made not a single sound. Well, that would be the selling point of the "Enenra" smoke bombs, they won't let a single speck within the smoke make a single sound! They can even be modified to house iron dust if you're looking for a far less…refined method of dealing with a fairy .
Now we can finally get to the juicy stuff: how to prepare a real fairy!
(Filip walks over to the specimen and caresses their blonde hair.)
Now let's begin by examining our specimens' anatomy yea? As you can see, this one has silky blonde hair, fair skin, and six platinum eyes. We can gather alot from this alone, you're usually not gonna find a fairy so stereotypical round here, so it's just my luck! Six eyes suggest some form of authority as it's a sign of ascension or a born high-elf. It must've been quite the sorcerer (whispers), we'll get to that part later. FYI, he's not dead, fairies aren't perseverable, either producing water and disintegrating or losing their freshness fast, that's why I'm bathing it in the smoke first. Now, as for the wings? even more delicate, you'd think a common sprite would be harder to preserve than an actual fairy but trust me, all that mass can mess things up real quick. Plus I've already gotten some sprite dust on hand for our operation, so ya can't say I ain't prepared for this!
Speaking of operations, ya remember the pliers and knife I mentioned? It's high time we use em.
(Filip takes out pliers from his pocket, opening the specimen's pod and starting to clip its fingernails.)
Don't worry bout the thing wakin up by the way the smoke will keep it's mind busy for long enough. Now that we're done with the fingernails, we can start dissecting our fairy fully. I'll show you the rest step by step so you can follow along at home!
STEP 1: First, you wanna take yer knife and reach into the neck, popping the collarbone to the side, that's gonna get us to what i like to call the magic matrix! It's the biological production center of a fairies magic, its right above the neck to the left, you can see it riight here, yeah, you may of thought magic was just spiritual but for creatures like this, regulatory organs are common like the ones on electric eels, I would know. I aınt graduate from ISCUT for nothin!
Now for STEP 2: Yer gonna slowly take the matrix out, make sure to not hit around the walls juust like this. y'all followin at home? Great. Slowly place the matrix into some clean saltwater(preferably pre-blessed).
STEP 3: We wouldn't want any unwanted combustions so we can start poppin off the eyes. If yer specimen is a bit unripe or struggling ye might wanna get a small lighter to loosen up the tissue near em. Now you can put the eyes in a bowl, if you have a molcajete, use that, it makes the grindin easier when we get to it.
STEP 4: Here's the tricky part, not that it's particularly hard, but it might take a while if ya ain't know what to do. I like to start by tappin the lower jaw with the knife's blunt edge, mine has a small hammer attachment to make it simpler, but any blunt object you feel you can be gentle with can get the job done. Anyway, after you've popped off the jaw with as little collateral or jerkin as possible, you can place it on the counter and start plying out those leaf-chewers, slow and steady, no need to rush, act like a cogfucker givin yer grammy a prosthetic hip. Now place them in yer bowl along with the eyes, fingernails, and some saltwater from the jar we had the matrix in, make sure not to strain that too much though it's still gotta be submerged!
Before we move on, I'd like to make a few things clear: some of the chefs in chat may have realized that i haven't done any blood rites, or even any preservation spells for this dish, not to mention my cruder than usual removal of ingredients. Well, that's just the thing, i won't be making any food from the specimen! I talked about my condition before and how Hunter Industries has helped me through it, well, this is how i get my medicine, you see! I haven't taken em for a while, so I needed to stock up for next month. This stream was the perfect opportunity to do so. Hunters' gadgets and gizmos have made sure that I can take care of my health, first and foremost, letting me live a normal life without spending it in some shady organization's hands. I hope that cleared up any confusion about my processes. Now let's move on to….
STEP 5: Now that the body has loosened up from all our harvestin, we can safely take out the wings without any breakage, and put em in the oven, low and slow. I prefer to sprinkle some lemon zest on em for acidity after stripping the wing membrane (remember to cut against the grain.)
STEP 6: While we wait for the wings, we can grind up the mixture we've set aside, making sure to get a smooth texture as it might take time for the flesh to soften without somethin to break it down (like the saltwater i told you to get.) Done? Great!
STEP 7: Now that the mixture and wings are ready, we're almost done! Now let's peel off some skin from our
fairy and place a sheet on the wings to help em rest.
STEP 8: Remember that matrix? Take em out of the saltwater and squeeze some oil right on our mixture and dice the matrix into cubes.
STEP 9: Remove the skin off the wings and scrape the dust onto our mixture, along with our matrix cubes, and mix everything aaall up nicely.
STEP 10: Well, I guess we're pretty much done. You can do a lot of things from here, either keep the wings and skin to use as a firestarter, wrap them with some hair close to the scalp to make elfwraps, or a charm/staff. Keep the matrix to use as an emergency spell reserve. Use the rest of the body in any ritual you please, or as a (winks) "pleasure doll". As for my medicine, I'm going to take the mixture as a milkshake to replenish my EVE for a month, but I've ordered some of those pill maker things from a place called Wondertainment (I'll do an unboxing, don't worry) so I can take em on the go.
At the end of the day it's not a permanent solution, I've never found such a thing, always on deaths door I've felt different from my peers all my life (the peers i knew existed at least) spending every day in the hostpital my parent's wasting away dollar after dollar on either sorcerer, scientist, or preacher yet crumbling under their presumed failure. But that's the thing, I'm still here, young Filip is still here, pops….(Filip begins tearing up) And I made it, I survived hell though it was, I'm still here, living my best life as 1 million people look at my work and better themselves because of it. And after all that, what else can a man really ask for?
Well, folks, I think that's enough for today. I hope you've learned something from the stream or at least enjoyed it (as I sure have couldn't thank you lovely fellows at home enough.)
Finally, thank you to Hunter Industries for sponsoring this stream and once again…..
FILIPS FARM FLOPPIN OUT!!!