Site-87 Orientation: FAQ
…and with that, ladies and gents, we've reached my favorite portion of the annual Site-87 orientation: the FAQ section. We've gotten a lot of new hires this year, so I've been asked to go over a few of the more esoteric parts of Site-87's work culture and infrastructure that you may have heard about, but aren't sure if it's true or not. All of these have been submitted by new or current hires.
'Question 1: Do you really hold Halloween parties? Do you serve black-and-orange cupcakes? Are you twelve?'
Well, I can't speak for myself on the last question, but we find that festivities help boost the morale of workers. Other sites organize events such as birthday parties or Christmas events, but it's true that Site-87 does, uniquely, have Halloween parties. Believe me, once you stick around here for a few months, you'll want to blow off steam around Halloween too.
And yes, we get the cupcakes from this little place in town called Kiedrowski's. We also get half-price pączki from them around Fat Tuesday for a containment procedure.
'Question 2: I think my office-slash-workstation-slash-living quarters got moved around-slash-messed with when I wasn't there. What gives?'
Unfortunately, Site-87 is still in Sloth's Pit, and we're beholden to a principle of 001-Pickman that is poorly understood. We've coined the term 'narrative geography' to describe it. Essentially, things move around in such a way to make for the best outcome. It's settled down in recent years, and used to be far more extreme; for instance, the Biology department, which encompasses everything from Parazoology to Mycology, yo-yoed between Sublevels 6, 7 and 8 from 2005 until 2015. Thankfully, the documentation also seems to be affected by this, but it is… worrying.
'Question 3: How many anomalies does Site-87 contain?'
That's a difficult question to answer. In terms of SCP objects, we have just over a dozen. However, because Sloth's Pit is such an active Nexus, we've had to start up a secondary system called the Chapman Unclassed Anomalous Entity system. These are classified as UAE-Chapman- and then a number. These apply to both sapient anomalous entities, and phenomena. The newest one we've classified is somewhere in the eleven-thousands, and this system has been in place since 1978.
'Question 4: Is the cafeteria food edible?'
We certainly try. We have a Department of Gastronomy here that helps prepare our menus. That particular department was originally opened to investigate the 'Nausea Cluster' on Main Street, a series of restaurants that are seemingly incapable of producing edible food, or if they do, they end up making you sick.
Take Berry's Fine Eats, for instance. On average, it takes forty minutes from seating to serving. I once waited ten minutes there for a glass of water. The food has been described as cold, soggy, inedible, and on at least five different occasions, achromatic— that is, without color.
Next door is Pollyeye's, a pizza restaurant that serves literally the best breadsticks in Wisconsin… but there's a solid 50% chance that your plumber will never speak to you again after you eat there. The less said about the former Vegan Buffet, whose old owner believed human meat was vegan, the better.
While Sloth's Pit does have fast food chains, I think you'll find that a mediocre cafeteria meal is better than paying $20 for McDonald's on the other end of town from Site-87. We do allow for delivery, but they have to be collected either outside or in the lobby of Site-87, or are forfeit to our receptionist. No exceptions.
'Question 5: Site-87 doesn't have an Artificial Intelligence Conscript assigned to it. Why?'
Well, there are a few reasons for that. For one thing, we only have a limited number of AICs in the Foundation, and AIAD is fairly stingy with them. Two: Helen, our general-purpose recall bot — which you should have on your Foundation-issued phones as an assistant, similar to Siri or Alexa on civilian devices — largely serves the same purpose.
'Question 6: How many people work here? What's your work culture like? Is fraternization okay?'
Hey, Sarah, when I do the orientation for next year, remind me to put them in order of priority, because this should have been at the top.
As of March 2024, there were 917 people employed at Site-87, between admin, the task force, researchers, and maintenance staff. Technically, everyone in Sloth's Pit — population about 30,000 — is considered an E-Class personnel with moderate knowledge of the Foundation so if you want to count them, closer to 31,000.
I could give you a spiel like, how all Foundation Sites, we do not tolerate discrimination, sexual harassment, or hatred, except as a containment procedure, and even then, approval must be given by myself or another member of administrative staff, and if able, the person who the harassment is being directed towards must be notified before hand. This has happened before, believe it or not. It's a long story involving having to exorcise the Ghost of Black Fridays Past.
(God, that was a stupid…)
Anyway. Open discussion of politics, while not disallowed, is discouraged on the grounds that it's difficult to be civil on certain maters. However, if you are reported for deadnaming, misgendering, or otherwise discriminating against a sexual or gender minority not just in Site-87, but in Sloth's Pit as a whole, you will be demoted to the lowest possible position in your department and have a commensurate pay cut. We're adults here. We can handle the concept of self-expression and gender transition.
As for fraternization, statistics have shown that one in five people at Site-87 get romantically involved, and most of my friends who are married met their spouses working here. So, interpret that how you will.
'Question 7: On a scale of one to ten, how much danger are staff of the site usually in? Is it true a giant koala tries to eat the site every Halloween?'
Firstly, it was a pataphysical sloth, not a koala, and that only happened once. Secondly, we haven't had anything that severe happen in a while. The worst we've had happen since 2020 is a raid by the Foundation Elimination Coalition, which was swiftly repelled. Things always seem to just… work out here, for better or for worse.
'Question 8: What's your org chart like? Do you have sections like Site-43 or 120 does?'
We actually tried adopting Site-43's organizational style starting in 2020, and a few departments — like Thaumaturgy & Occult Studies, Security & Containment, and Habitation & Sustenance — do use its naming scheme, but overall, there are about a dozen major departments for research at the site, each with their own subdivisions on their own sublevel, starting at sublevel 3— sublevels 1 and 2 are dedicated to housing our task force and administrative functions, respectively. Sublevel 3 is where most of our staff are housed, eat, and are entertained. These departments are:
Gastronomy on sublevel 3, due to its proximity to our cafeteria, and need for gas burners in the test kitchen; natural gas was largely discontinued in Foundation sites in 1993, after the Dr. Morraine incident at Site-293 in Alberta, but we have a writ allowing us to use it. Town laws say that the height sublevel 3 is at is the lowest gas lines can be dug, so that's why it's higher than any other department in the site, geographically.
The medical department is on Sublevel 4, including our infirmary, therapy offices, and pharmacy. Under ideal circumstances, this is the deepest into Site-87 anyone from Sloth's Pit will ever have to be brought, and even then, St. Francis de Sales Hospital has a exomedicine division for stuff like lycanthropy, Stevenson Syndrome, and the so-called 'visible migraine syndrome', where one's head inflates in direct proportion to the pain of the headache they're feeling.
Philosophical and Conceptual Containment, focusing on thaumaturgy, memetics, religious studies, anthropology, pataphysics, metaphysics, and regular physics, are on sublevel 5.
Biology, on sublevel 6, which has departments of entomology, parazoology, mycology, and botany, among others. Botany has reinforced greenhouses behind the site for the care of anomalous plants.
Sublevel 7 focuses on surveillance and containment of digital anomalies throughout the town; they are admittedly a bit rarer, but we do get things such as the 'Leet Phreaks' (long story there) every now and again. It also houses the investigative division.
Archives are on Sublevel 8. The… thing that we call Sublevel 13 has nothing to do with them. Researcher Claire Sage will be happy to help you out with any archival requests.
Sublevel 9 houses several departments, but the most prominent of them is the Department of Nexology, which studies Nexuses. You might think it's a bit odd that it's that deep in the Site, but it's for security purposes.
Sublevel 10 is home to several 'hard' sciences that aren't covered by biology, such as geology, chemistry, and astronomy, while Sublevel 11 houses the majority of our practical experimentation laboratories; if you need to test something like a heat ray or a dark matter generator, you'll bring it down there.
Sublevel 12 is containment, but it's not the deepest level of Site-87. That would be Sublevel 14, which houses the Department of Multi-Universal Affairs. Most of what happens down there is classified, but if you've been assigned to it, you'll know what to do.
'Question 9: Any anomalies that Sloth's Pit hasn't seen?'
Oddly enough, we've never encountered any evidence of extraterrestrial activity in the area. Not sure what to make of that. There's also a distinct lack of anomalies related to the Ojibwe people who once inhabited the area, which is a bit more explicable, given that Sloth's Pit only became anomalous after it was colonized. That hasn't stopped it from bugging our anthropology department for years, though.
'Question 10: What other holidays are affected by the Nexus, outside of Halloween and Christmas?'
Those are the two big ones, but we've had all sorts of kerfuffles over the years. St. Patrick's Day in 2015 had everyone in the city speak with an Irish Brogue, while Thanksgivukkah — an event in 2013 where Thanksgiving and Hanukkah fell at the same time — saw 'turkey golems' that we still aren't sure of the source of. Then there's the whole deal with the Easter Funny which… I honestly don't get. But yeah, holidays are active times, they're just usually less fatal than Halloween and Christmas have been.
'Question 11: When should I report anomalous phenomena, given this is a Nexus?'
We have forms at the front desk and on every floor for reporting any anomalous activity you think is notable. In addition, the app you'll install on your phones has a searchable database of all known anomalies in Sloth's Pit, just in case you're afraid of making redundant reports.
'Question 12: Is the Goldbaker-Reinz Insurance Package any different here versus, say, Site-19?'
The plan here specifically does not cover any anomalous medical practitioners in town. You can see Dr. Fforde, the self-proclaimed 'tooth wizard' over on Bleaker Street, if you really want to, but it'll be on your own dime, and you should know that three employees here have reported their teeth being replaced by new sets once every three months or so, and those teeth aren't always compatible with human anatomy.
'Question 13: What happens if I wake up and the Pit is right next to my bed?'
That's not how SCP-4040 works. It's in a static location, just one most of us can't access. If you do encounter an anomaly in your living space, pull one of the alarms ASAP.
'Question 14: Is there a list of restricted activities at Site-87?'
Those can be found on Pages 17 to 39 of your employee handbook, but most of them amount to the following:
1) Use common sense when dealing with anomalies.
2) Don't give the Nexus a straight line that it can respond to with a punchline. If it would result in something catastrophic happening on TV, keep it to yourself.
3) Don't blab about what we really do to the E-Class living in town.
'Question 15: Should I be worried if…
Hold on, am I reading this right?
'Question 15: Should I be worried if a pigeon recites my full legal name, address, date and place of birth, mother's maiden name, and last charge to… my credit card?'
This got asked often enough to be considered a Frequently Asked Question? Sarah, are you sure about this?
…Fifty-seven times? Let me see that.
Oh god dammit. This is why we tell people to stay in the Site until they finish orientation, so this kind of stuff doesn't happen…
All right, folks, that's all the questions we have time for, I'm afraid. Most others can be answered by reading the fact sheet about Nexus-18, consulting your copy of the Tourism Guide, or else asking your department head. If you'll excuse me, I have to call someone from the Department of Ornithology over at Site-53.
Welcome to Site-87, folks. Once again, I am Director Tristan Bailey, and if you ever need me, my door is usually open.