Portrait of Dr. Silberescher
- Dr. Löwen Alphonse Davison Augustin Jakobs Atreides Lemuria Agloval Silberescher's Personnel File
Name: Baron Silberescher, D.SPAaVOCFoL, KSC
Security Clearance: Level 0
Facility: None (Castle Silberescher)
Profile: Dr. Löwen Alphonse Davison Augustin Jakobs Atreides Lemuria Agloval Silberescher, Baron of [REDACTED], Lord Knowledge, Savior of Ocelots, Spellshaper of the Boros Legion, and Keeper of the Sacred Chao, known alternately as "Lö", “Alfie”, “Davey”, “Augie”, "Aggie", “Jake”, “Lemmy”, “Silber”, “Doc”, "Ladajalas", and "Old Sliderule", is a noble residing in the minute principality [REDACTED], located in southeastern Europe. In 2009, Foundation agents entered contact with Baron Silberescher after the detection of anomalous radio signals emanating from the noble’s barony. The Baron, after a period of negotiation over brandy and chocolates, willingly handed over the object responsible for the emissions [now designated SCP-███], and offered to maintain a connection with the Foundation, citing knowledge of several anomalous objects, both in the Baron’s custody and being tracked down by the noble’s servants. Agents provided a telephone number through which the Baron could contact a Foundation branch in Lithuania; Silberescher graciously accepted and indicated the intent to install a telephone system in the barony as soon as possible. Roughly two weeks after the incident, Baron Silberescher contacted the branch, providing a specimen of the species known as SCP-████.
Baron Silberescher bears an avid interest in scientific research, especially in the subject of anomalous objects. He claims to study such items as a pastime, and explained in a conversation with Agent █████ that experimentation with such items is rigorous and only concludes when the Baron “exhausts their mysteries”. However, of the data offered to Foundation emissaries, none has been useful in a significant way; a typical "report of qualities" contains almost no information that a research team would not ascertain within a cursory initial inspection, and the rest consists of idiosyncratic statements of conjecture and opinion. Of SCP-███, the Baron wrote:
This creature's attitude is irredeemably callous and unsavory, and its vocal emissions most stinging to the ears; any attempts made to reform its character of conduct and hygiene in order to introduce it to formal society would, with no doubt in mind, result in disaster and fulsome embarrassment. Its ear-shattering screams, insistence on hiding its face from view with its gangly arms, and shamelessly ignorant political opinions make it a most tiresome conversational partner; however, when it accedes to the situation, rather than endeavoring to strip away its gear, it can succeed on the rugby pitch like few men of its lanky stature.
In addition, the credentials he possesses are questionable at best. Silberescher’s degree is a “Doctorate of Science, Philosophy, the Arts, and Various Other Celebrated Fields of Learning”, a fictitious program offered exclusively to the noble by a nearby university. The Baron has claimed that, although he identifies as a doctor, the honorific imparted by a D.SPAaVOCFoL is actually “Lord Knowledge”. He also related an anecdote in which an aspiring biologist named Szalek █████████ somehow, "through either bureaucratic error or sheer cunning", signed up for and completed the program, then was appointed "Lord Knowledge". The young man was commended and executed.
The study of anomalous objects is one of L.A.D.A.J.A.L.A. Silberescher's numerous pastimes. The Baron is also, among other things, a cultivator of exotic plants and animals, an apple breeder, a charcoal artist, a welder, a "level 21 planeswalker", a musical performer who released an album in the "orchestral rap" genre under his own label (using the pseudonym "Amateur Knight") and the world's leading collector of memorabilia relating to the 1984 film The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. The Baron insists, repeatedly and without provocation, that he is not the Kwisatz Haderach.
Agents of the Lithuanian facility Site 61 are to pursue an amicable relationship with Baron Silberescher, due to his cooperative nature and his apparent connections in regard to the location of items relevant to Foundation interests. Agents assigned as liaisons are to accept any gifts offered (including bullions, street names, and ocelots) and participate with the Baron in any sporting events or other physical pursuits which he offers, including elk hunting, chessboxing, apple picking, mensur, and "spiel von flammenwerfer".
