First the needless company-wide upgrade to the iPhone 23, now this.
"Okay, everyone give a round of applause for that very… enthusiastic presentation by our Maxwellist liaison on full-scale integration of NeuraBorg gestalt implants." Disparate clapping follows a brief pause, dying out after another moment, "We'll call you if we reach the vote threshold—no, we don't want a 'test drive', thank you. Nice try. Ahem, alright. Next up… let's see—ah, we have a Dr. Cyprog from Prometheus Innovations, here to present their newest proposal for our ongoing containment problems, which you all should be well aware of by now. Doctor?"
"Thanks—Thank you for having me, Site-19. I'm Dr. Hugh M. Cyprog, lead researcher with Prometheus Innovations. I am joined today by my assistant, Charles, proud to present a groundbreaking innovation in the world of eigenmechanical paratechnologies: a deceptively simple device that can not only stabilize the local Hume field at record radii for use in control of ontokinectic phenomena, but can also be used to automatically calibrate aspect radiation sensors to an accuracy of ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-seven-per-cent, with an approximate confidence interval of two-point-three-three, to the power of minus-four, plus-minus point-oh-oh-five.1 Charles, if you would."
Dr. Cyprog's personal assistant and part-time intern, a cybernetically-enhanced psychogenetic artificial thought construct,2 is seen piloting a small, squeaky-wheeled flatbed into the meeting area, which carries an unknown mass concealed beneath a dark blue, polyurethane-coated cellulose fiber tarp. The doctor indicates to a projector screen behind him which blooms to life.
He continues, "The elusive Mill field has never been definitively proven to exist, only that it cannot not exist, and we industry experts long considered this to be a great failing of modern science. Like other quasi-quantum matrices quantized under linear phase-shift operators displaying such levels of endochronicity, you cannot directly observe the Mill field from tangible space while affected by entropic decay, only via measurement of planck-length subatomic membrane exchanges created at the boundaries of its scalar field before relevant interactions occur can you prove that its nonexistence is a falsehood. Let no one tell you otherwise; any other data recorded on this subject is largely the result of interpolations created for the purpose of appearing accurate to the layman, or complex interactions caused by incomplete vacuum crystallization of the field's many end-state structures."
(Click to enlarge)
A few rising mumbles of disbelief emit from the crowd, skeptics of the methodology and truthers seeking to disprove the phenomena entirely, among other, sane and more level heads sharing the same sentiment.
"Yes, I know. A difficult, controversial quandary, indeed! Until today, the modern scientific zeitgeist has yet to experience anything of this magnitude. So, I ask you to hold your criticism and please, turn your attention to the future of Thiotimoline-based anomalous sink devices…"
The Doctor's assistant pulls the tarp from the flatbed, revealing a golden machine beneath, a glimmering testament to man's defiance of natural order.
"We present to you: the Scranton Encabulator Mk VI."
The room is quiet for a moment, while realization of the machine's true significance turns stunned silence into applause.
(Click to enlarge)
"Thank you. The Mk VI has significant improvements over previous proposed designs, which were deemed unworthy of commercial production." He clicks the remote as images of inferior machines flick by on the projector, "These prototypes possessed obvious scalability issues, on top of inherent flaws in design which produced mixed results even in controlled lab conditions. Much of these concerns have been addressed in the Mk VI."
"This device runs on a proprietary, state-of-the art-series of algorithmic principles, implemented to sufficiently subvert the Hume expectation factor instead of the Hume incredulity coefficient, formally generated by multiversal inflow of effluent Humes to produce significant modal symmetrization and desymmetrization of the Mill field."
Murmurs break out among the audience as members of the group shake their heads in disbelief.
(Click to enlarge)
"As you can plainly see, the eigenmachine is constructed on a Laser-cut baseplate comprised of a lattice of post-stress-reduced beryllium bronze and hafnium carbonitride molded into a centahepdeximal five-cube multiplex. Furthermore, the system is mounted in a modular, isotopically-pure Scrantonite-354 casing, featuring ellipsoid Irrilite bearings that travel along a direct yet compactified octahedral vector, splitting the barrier between the membrane of the Mill field found along an array of micrometer-sized sensory diodes. The runoff aspect and ionizing radiation is then annihilated within the superconducting reaction core at the heart of the machine. Excuse me."
Dr. Cyprog takes a drink from a plastic bottle of Poland Spring 4:1 Water-to-Liquid Acetylene and proceeds.
"Continuing on. The base of the Encabulator's central shaft is composed of one hundred and eight Evenheart resonators in sequence, seated under the acetic acid coolant system, point-circumambulation interior rotors tuned such that the resulting thaumic backlash is effectively self-neutralizing. A traditional Epsilon-Class, Leyline-based Voral-X Engine, retrofitted into the dynamic PRG-7-compliant reparameterization slots of the reactor's mainframe, is then utilized to analyze the resultant field oscillations."
"Every seventh oscillation is integral to the detection of the Mill field; Elan Vital-Energy conductors, triggered on the detection of sub-integrational particle destabilization by the internal ARAD systems, induce a subfluxual counter-harmonic resonance event. Following this, countervailing anharmonic resonance output is reduced by up to ninety-three-point-nine percent, an extraordinary feat compared to previous designs."
"Thus, the Scranton Encabulator Mk VI is the only field-tested device capable of being used in the containment of Type Periwinkle entities. Additionally, large-scale Akiva radiation fluctuations can be rendered practically imperceptible, provided the Encabulator's sinks have been properly armed beforehand. These are just the tip of the iceberg, folks. The applications and peace of mind offered by the Mk VI truly are a wonder. Any questions?" He indicates to the far wall, where a raised hand emerges from the crowd of figures, "Yes, you there."
"Thanks. First of all, interesting design choices", one of the resident bean counters exclaims with backhanded insult, "My question is: how will we power something like this? Most of our current SRAs require significant energy consumption. I can't imagine this is any better, right?"
The man sits back smugly, enjoying the pointed nature and veracity of his contribution. Dr. Cyprog responds swiftly, "Well, as I mentioned earlier, instead of a traditional conductive connection to the local power grid as a primary source of energy, this system generates its own self-sustaining power via the vacuum destabilization weakening the domain wall, which is induced by excitation of the hume field. This process does typically take a few minutes to see adequate returns, which is why an onboard capacitor is utilized to store reserves capable of activation and up to ten minutes of operational capacity. In the event neither option is available, we do in fact include AC power hookups. Overall, the machine uses a fraction of the power draw compared to Scranton Reality Anchors. Any further questions?"
The inquirer's expression fades to one of disappointment, while Director Grisham pokes his head up and around at the assembled accountants and investors.
"Interesting. So, does anyone here have any objections to this system?" His voice possesses confidence that effectively conceals all present confusion.
No one speaks out of fear they may be outed as not being the smartest in the room. Grisham turns to Dr. Cyprog and extends a hand of congratulation.
"Looks like you just made a sale!"
LATER THAT DAY
"Do you people even know what this thing is? Did you run it by the administration, because you didn't run it by me. This is… completely and utterly unsuited for our purposes."
Doctor Placeholder McDoctorate is struggling to find a kind way of wording his thoughts, the researchers and pencil pushers before him looking less and less pleased by the moment.
"Firstly, this system generates massive levels of flux within the local Hume field. Why would this be an adequate replacement for the SRA? I need a static field. Not an excited one. This is Ontokinetics one-oh-one, people."
The group is silent. Placeholder scans the machine's included documentation and groans.
"Secondly, the power system for this 'encabulator' is ridiculously dangerous. I'm surprised we haven't locked it in a cell yet. If it weren't for the plot armor, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near this thing. 'Weakening the domain wall'? This garbage is generating power from false vacuum decay! Do you have any clue what tampering with those sorts of things can do to our reality?! What possessed you to look at a machine you know nothing about and decide to drop how much on it?" He flips through the packet until the final pages, to a section on pricing, "Oh—oh my god. So many zeroes. I think I'm gonna be sick—hurk."
Stifling a gag, Dr. McDoctorate raises a finger and takes a moment to breathe. When he speaks again, his head is still aiming downwards.
"None—none of this software is compatible with our systems, and they expect this thing to just be plug-and-play. Christ. First the needless company-wide upgrade to the iPhone 23, now this. I need a drink. I'm sure this will come in handy, thank you. Thanks. Yes, bye."
He steps away from the dismayed group and slides over to the P.M. Center's admin break room. Inside, he finds his way to the Placeholder-Blank Ontological Rationalization and Coherence Extractor,3 flicking the contraption on and debating, finger ignoring the first three options, hesitating over a button reading "STRONG" but ultimately opting for the one on its right, labeled "OVERLOAD". After a minute of quiet humming, a dark slurry dispenses into the paper cup below its spout. Placeholder pinches his nose and tosses back the viscous beverage, feeling the bitter, coffee-like analog sting the back of his throat.4 He sighs, waiting for the concoction to wipe away the fatigue brought about by that previous conversation. Eventually, it succeeds.
He proceeds back to his office, which is now empty, aside from himself and the newly-purchased encabulator. Perusing through dossiers, reports, follow-up emails and stacks of other paperwork, Placeholder happens upon a relevant packet of documents, a GoI dossier on Prometheus Innovations, which describes an incredibly fortunate underdog story. How does a company like Prometheus Labs come back from near-total bankruptcy with zero prospects of any note to an investor? A company of pure liability at that time, now more than stable, but at what cost? Reports from Extradimensional Affairs claim an unknown group of interest, Anderson Robotics, never emerges from the ashes of Prometheus Labs without it going up in flames in the first place, which is something it tends to do in other realities. Placeholder couldn't help but wonder how and why this timeline was so special. The altruistic nature of Prometheus Innovations seems like a stark contrast to their previous operations, and yet they have no qualms fleecing the Foundation out of an ungodly sum with a single purchase? It's not like they need the money, now that they're valued at somewhere close to one trillion USD.
The odds of investing in a failing, money-hungry paratech firm already under investigation, and successfully turning it into the world's leading tech solutions company… it just doesn't make sense. Placeholder soon finds himself hovering over the Encabulator, lost in caffeine-assisted thought as he starts to inspect the device, trying to find some explanation for its exuberant price tag. Surely, there has to be a reason. Then again, many of the components were nothing the polymath expert had seen before. No wonder the techies were enamoured… Or intimidated.
On the interior of the device's posterior access panel, he finds more peculiarity, despite the mundane nature: a technical specifications sticker from Prometheus Innovations, which occupies a large space on the carbonitride lattice, with random metrics of little use to him covering the adhesive's surface. The label isn't the first of its kind, either, as another sticker is present beneath it, slightly askew, and possibly another below that.
Removing the letter opener from his desk, Placeholder carefully peels up the label, cursing to himself as bits pry up with the layers below firmly adhering to the rest. Eventually, he finishes, and much to his disappointment, the label is mostly the same as the one prior. On closer inspection, he realizes the main difference, a handwritten message which reads "TO SETTLE THE DEBT" in the field for additional information. The handwriting is familiar, but he can't place it. Along with this, the badly-worn date of certification which, although mostly illegible, differs greatly from the previous.
Removing the second label, Placeholder emits a noise of surprise, having not seen the newest logo for Prometheus Innovations prior to that moment. It doesn't make sense—but maybe it does.
"You know," he says to himself, gears now spinning despite the unfortunate circumstances, "this could be a great way to get promoted."
"Better practice your firm handshakes," a voice in his head suggests. The next words drain the color from his face.
"And, just so you're aware, we may may need to, uh, brush up on our stylesheets."
TWENTY YEARS LATER
Doctor Placeholder McDoctorate is struggling to find a kind way of wording his thoughts. Right now, he's staring down the barrel of a dozen or so sets of angry eyes with a firm grasp on the future of his career. These same eyes, staring back at him from atop their ivory towers, belong to the O5 Council. Blind as though they may be, those piercing gazes demand answers.
He begins, "Surely, you must understand—"
Before the fifth word could leave his mouth, one of the figures speaks, voice impatient and sterile.
"No, we don't understand. Which is why you are here before us now. We've taken time out of our busy schedules to demand answers."
Another voice, more soft-spoken, interjects.
"Well, my schedule was rather open. I'm relatively sure yours was as well, Eight. Honestly, it is nice to get out of Facility T, for whatever reason—"
"I'm not Eight! I'm Three," the figure points across their shared table, "He's Eight."
The council member on the receiving end of the point leans forward, hand against the back of his ear, "What?"
O5-3 raises his voice, "I said, you are Eight, not me!"
O5-8 responds, taken aback, "I'm not eight. I'm forty-five. It's 1989. I know what year it is!"
O5-3 buries his head in his hands, "I wasn't suggesting that, but you're still wrong, you senile doorknob." He turns back to Placeholder, "Apologies, where was I—oh, right. I was in the middle of telling you off."
Mustering as much of a smile as humanly possible in that moment, Placeholder responds, "You don't need to tell me off, everything is under control."
"Hm." The council member's round eyeglasses glint as he leans forward into the light, "If that's the case, why do I have number crunchers telling me the Foundation is financially barren, and that somehow you are at the center of the problem?"
"Because, well, that's how it looks from an outside perspective, but—"
"Oh, cut the… Cut the crap." The sudden vulgarity elicits some gasps from around the room. One councilmember falls out of their chairs in shock as O5-3 continues, "I logged into our Bank of America account today. You know what I saw?"
McDoctorate hesitates, "Uh—Well, I can explain—"
The Overseer interrupts him once more, "Don't. Allow me. I logged into the account today and saw a withdrawal. I don't even want to speak the number out loud. Needless to say I'm extremely disappointed. We've given you so much of our annual budget for your toys. And for what? Where are the results? How could you possibly need more money after all of that?"
Waiting a moment to ensure O5-3 had finished speaking, Placeholder draws a breath and explains his plan to settle the debt.
| YAY | NAY | ASLEEP |
|---|---|---|
| O5-1 | ||
| O5-2 | ||
| O5-3 | ||
| O5-4 | ||
| O5-5 | ||
| O5-6 | ||
| O5-7 | ||
| O5-8 | ||
| O5-9 | ||
| O5-10 | ||
| O5-11 | ||
| O5-12 | ||
| O5-13 |
| STATUS |
|---|
| APPROVED |
FORTY YEARS PRIOR
TOP STORY IN FINANCE AND BUSINESS: ANONYMOUS ANGEL INVESTOR SAVES PROMETHEUS LABS, CITES PLAN TO 'REBRAND' PUBLIC IMAGE.