rating: +175+x

Item #: SCP-TLDR-J

Length Class: Too

Special Containment Procedures: Dr. Vang has been tasked with drafting new containment procedures for SCP-TLDR-J, and is expected to complete the task within one week. The old ones were really long, so Dr. Vang's trademark brevity is expected to come in handy.

TL;DR: SCP-TLDR-J is a metamorphic document with a variety of forms, each possessing unique, mostly pointless anomalous properties. Whenever SCP-TLDR-J is read by an individual who intends to read it in its entirety, it will metamorphosize into a form that the individual would disregard due to length.

Addendum: A list of every one of SCP-TLDR-J's forms. You can skip this bit, honestly.

  • Form A is a copy of Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. Form A emits a scent described as "bitter almonds" and "sound of a D-Class falling to the floor and convulsing". No other anomalous properties are apparent.
  • Form B is a copy of Foundation Document C17-G4N. When SCP-TLDR-J transmorphs (?) into Form B, some indestructible shadow monster thing appears somewhere and we have to contain it with MTF Nine-Tailed Fox or Roblox or whatever. At the very least, their documentation is pretty brief.
  • Form C is a copy of Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville, that is capable of exhibiting "Southern hospitality." Several personnel[whomst?] have spoken highly of the lodging, food, and good conversation provided by Form C.
  • Form D is an in-depth description of the various ways in which a non-existent piece of fiction misrepresents military technology and procedure, written in an aggressive and dismissive tone. Form D is capable of writing and printing original fictional stories, typically detailing artificial intelligences that live in gross holes and have fetishes. Or something like that — we've never actually read any of these, as Form D has confirmed that they were deliberately made uninteresting in service of realism.
    • Upon further review, it was found that fiction produced by Form D suddenly acquires literary merit when expressed via a series of pictograms and abstract symbols.
  • Form E is a copy of Under the Dome by Stephen King. Did you know that Form E was once hit by a car? Just something to consider.
  • Form F is a copy of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Subjects that come within a few meters of Form F develop a single-minded obsession with achieving specific goals. Subjects uniformly describe their motivation as "Well, it tried to make me an objectivist, but that sounded stupid, so I tried to put my own spin on it. Clever, right? [pause] Well, I think it's funny. [pause] Maybe if I made an Overwatch joke too? Something about staying on the objective? [pause] Yeah, you're right. It's too topical."
  • Form H is a copy of the webcomic Homestuck, by Andrew Hussie. Physical contact with Form H enables subjects to telepathically communicate with any horse in the world. This communication typically consists of variations on "neigh" and "*snorting noise*", which can only be properly interpreted by the subject and causes the subject to become a "horse person".
  • Form I is a copy of the Terms and Conditions for Apple Media Services (including iTunes, etc.). Form I is incapable of fitting into any USB socket, regardless of its orientation.
  • Form J is a copy of Ulysses by James Joyce. Subjects who read any content from Form J develop a sexual fetish for flatulence that mirrors Joyce's own. Seriously, look it up if you think this is fake. Or don't — it's gross.
  • Form K is a comprehensive compilation of the manga Jojo's Bizarre Adventure by Hirohiko Araki. Form K is accompanied by the appearance of an autonomous, muscular humanoid construct composed entirely of sheets of paper. This construct identifies itself as "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, as in the song name. [pause] Well, I don't know, someone has probably named something else after that, so I decided to clarify. Not like it matters." It is theoretically capable, by way of a rapid series of punches, of imparting the property of being "too long" on any document; however, in most cases, this simply results in the destruction of the affected document.
  • Form L is, currently, a copy of the primary documentation for SCP-6236. The exact nature of Form L varies at irregular intervals, but all iterations have thus far been Foundation documentation. Form L is sapient and telepathic, and will make frequent demands to be let outdoors. When placed outdoors, it will instead demand to be placed indoors.
  • Form M is a copy of Les Misérables by Victor Hugo. Form M is a millennial. *rolls eyes*
  • Form N is a copy of Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon. Form N is quite the rascal, and when allowed, will get up to all sorts of mischief. What follows is a list of The Things Form N Is Not Allowed To Do At The Foundation.
    1. Yeah, no, I'm not writing this. Not even for the sake of stretching the article's length. It would just be annoying.
    2. If I wanted to do a long-form parody of the Bright List, it would be its own thing. And I don't. It's just horrifically unfunny, outdated, and rife with 'edgy' humor that shouldn't see the light of day in 2017. EDIT: Or 2018. It was at like +735 when I wrote this. God.
    3. There's no point in doing a less-humorous satire either, because even an overwhelming success would basically just drop it from +1911 to like, +600. As if that matters.
    4. Form N is not allowed to feed anything with peanut butter to Cain.
    5. The whole "getting serious in the middle of a joke SCP, as meta-humor" thing is because I can't actually think of a joke to make about it.
    6. I almost blame Bright for not just deleting the damn thing, but frankly, I'm in no position to talk.
    7. If this bit stays in past the editing stage, something has gone horrifically wrong.
    8. Eh, fuck it. If SCP-3999 can do it, so can I.
    9. Any suggestions that The Thgins From N Is Not Awleold To Do At The Fooiadnutn be edited are "What? Oh, for the love of God, do you seriously need me to give a quote? [pause] Fine, they crimp Form N's style. And please do some editing before you put this in the final version.", and will result in the removal of the suggestion box until further notice.
  • Form O is a copy of House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. Form O renders readers mysteriously incapable of giving a straight answer to the question "I need help writing an SCP, could y'all name some things that you considered reading, but decided not to because they were too long?".
  • Form P is a copy of Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. When read, Form P will generate a series of probabilistic anomalies that result in the delivery of a peanut butter sandwich to SCP-073.
  • Form Q is a copy of Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes. When provided with internet access, Form Q will frequent online chatrooms to discuss memes, communism, and LGBT issues. For this crime, it deserves to be executed by the Global Occult Coalition.
  • Form R has only been observed on one occasion, in which SCP-TLDR-J was approached by Junior Researcher Riseborough, who had stated that she intended to read SCP-TLDR-J regardless of length. Form R is a complete transcript of the song I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves. Casualties were extensive.
  • Form T is a copy of War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. Form T produces trivially infohazardous objects at a rate of once per week, many of which appear to contain references to people who scream at video games on camera or something. The task of analyzing and cataloging these manifestations has been delegated to a team of Junior Researchers at Site-19.
  • Form U is a copy of The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien. When read, Form U will generate a series of probabilistic anomalies that result in a peanut butter sandwich gaining sapience and self-replication abilities, eventually overrunning Site-17. SCP-073 will be enlisted to neutralize the anomaly by feeding it to Dr. Kain Pathos Krow, who will smack his lips for thirty minutes thereafter.
  • Form V is a copy of this document. SCP-TLDR-J will morphify (?) into Form V whenever this document is read, and subsequently breach containment, transmorphormogrifying (??? I'll look up the right word and edit it in later) into this document. Then, if a subject who has thought about Under the Dome by Stephen King within the past two hours reads it, SCP-TLDR-J will develop a pronounced "bitter almond" scent.

Hey, quick question. I read this whole document through, and when I got to the end, SCP-TLDR-J killed me with cyanide gas. Why was this possibility not accounted for when drafting the documentation?- Site Director Sloane

We honestly didn't expect anybody to read it.- Dr. Cage

Understandable. Make sure Vang puts a disclaimer about that in his final draft of the containment procedures.- Site Director Sloane

Can do. By the way, sorry about the whole "killed me with cyanide gas" thing. Are you alright?- Dr. Cage

I've been better.- Site Director Sloane

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