Item #: SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J
Object Class: Imaginary
Figure 1. A suspected on-screen manifestation, taken during a viewing of Disney's Mulan 2. Duration is 4 milliseconds. A reproduction of the unadulterated cognitohazard (probably inactive, probably; bottom-left) is included for comparison.
Special Containment Procedures: It is mandatory that Foundation researchers involved in the here-mentioned studies not view any movie suspected of containing instances of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J in order to preserve clinical purity. The same researchers are to accept the existence of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J as axiomatic and ignore the naysayers. Inklings to hypothesize "more likely" reasons for the central question of this research project are to be resisted because the author desperately needs to publish something and quick, you guys.
In the event of never-before-approved, research-oriented screenings, testers of the study group are not to participate without cellophane lenses that are impregnated with tourmaline-based anaglyph technology and capable of antagonizing Aleph Meta level cognitoadverse effects. To protect further, and as a failsafe in the event of (1) an equipment malfunction or (2) the emergence of tourmaline-resistant instances, testers are to maintain 75% contraction of their orbicularis oculi muscles for the duration of the film(s). Electrodes may be placed to assist in the sustainment of said contractions.
The current model of approved spectacles. Must be worn at all times during viewing. Currently $30,000/pair. Can be purchased from and only from Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D.
Two research personnel per participating theater are to covertly crouch outside the cinematic premiers of movies fitting the likely habitat of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$-J, stenographing the content and calculating the concentration of both favorable and unfavorable criticisms as movie-goers leave the theater or venue. If approached with suspicion by any non-Foundation personnel, researchers are to immediately begin diversional maneuvers as outlined by Protocol SQRT—1.
Description-1: SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$-J is not:
- a 3-part spatial anomaly in an abandoned mobile juice bar that can convert any nipple into an industry-quality juicer.
- a VHS cassette depicting a puppet that hesitantly admonishes you to rewind the tape and makes your finger inexhaustibly itchy until you press "Play".
- a pack of crayons that are anomalously incapable of coloring but may or may not begin sleeping when flirted with.
- a cummerbund which when worn grants the adorner the ability to whisper in any language when less than 5 inches from another's ear.
- a fucking plush toy for God's sake that gives adultery-inspiring massages that are isolated to the philtrum.
- a BE-Class-Migration-End-of-Consciousness-Scenario-worthy ounce of dietary fiber.
- about bees.
- a compulsion-impinging didgeridoo that can only be resisted at close proximity when twerking to Top-20 hits.
- a 50 year old Caucasian male who anomalously enjoys pulling up his socks on his calves and who can be heard saying "C'mon, who likes slouchy socks?" each time he does.
- a series of obtuse ritual motions that cause all one's body hair to be curly and lush but that also increases the risk of being poached in proportion to the gravity-defying volume evoked.
- a rampant archival phenomenon whereby the surnames of individuals in official documentation are replaced by their childhood nicknames.
- an infectious telephone call which spontaneously answers on recipients' phones and adds them to a Guinness Book of World Records campaign for the largest teleconference involuntarily assembled.
Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D.'s employee badge (censored).
No, SCP-
$\sqrt{-1}$ -J is a theoretical Aleph-Class audiovisual cognitohazard, postulated by the up-and-coming, so-hot-right-now Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D. to explain wholly or in part the financial success and continuation of unfavorably-reviewed installments in modern movie franchises. Foundation investigation arose after wondering how a previous Lead Researcher became exceedingly wealthy.
Dear sickeningly non-anomalous journal,
I'm again beaten to the punch. Someone already published a paper on horses with some anomalous nanoparticles integrated into them that seek boredom. It's always so bittersweet to find one's feet in the footprints of the greats!
I've been a Foundation doctoral intern for… 6 years now and have very little to show for it. How hard it is to get dibs on an anomaly, huh? How many of them are there now? 4000? All I need is just one. Preferably, a big one that yields some exploitable technology and I can retire on the royalties, like ██████ ██████████ did for himself. I wonder what he did exactly to get his fortune…
- Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D.
P.S. Ever since I used that topical cream, my cheeks have been sticking together. I have to pull them apart and sometimes even ask for help from strangers. I wonder if that's a known side effect… maybe it's an anomalous side effect?! I'll hopefully write soon with an answer.
Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D.: "…Hey Jacob, didn’t ██████ ██████████ one time say something about making a deal with Disney about some cognitohazard that had an obvious financial application in movies?… that asshole.”
Dear still-disappointingly-regular journal, with no predictive or creative capabilities by which my career could be established,
We have a heading!
No thanks to you,
Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D.
P.S. I stopped a fellow employee who was walking by the restroom about the issue I last mentioned. He happened to be a anomaloproctologist and was kind enough to take a video log for me on my cellphone. The picture is blurry though and not centered… I wonder if he was even looking, or maybe he was missing his glasses? Maybe my rear instills an anomalous effect in electronic devices?? I will review this footage more thoroughly later and report. He denied my request to have a sample processed is his home lab for diagnostics (he apparently doesn't have a home lab, oddly enough), but was very accommodating otherwise and I would recommend him to anyone, especially my peers.
The theoretical basis for SCP-
$\sqrt{-1}$ -J was probably developed in 2001 by former Site-42 Memetics & Cognitohazards Department Lead Researcher and asshole ██████ ██████████, who retired in 2005 and most likely shared the cognitohazard with film studio executives for an obvious financial application. SCP-
$\sqrt{-1}$ -J is assumed to now be in the possession of all major film studio and distribution corporations in the United States.
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| The Foundation understands squinting for 2 hours at a time can be hard. Agent Rodgers enjoys the help from the provided electrodes. |
Upon witnessing SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J, and with increasing enthusiasm after each exposure, individuals will be willing or inclined to see a proposed next installment in a franchise or series. Additionally, individuals with a Psychic Resistance Scale score of ≤ 65 will respond with critical enthusiasm to the film employing descriptors such as "well done", "awesome", "really really good", and in the case of sequels, "even better than the last one,” regardless of the installment's content. Foundation anomalosensitive modeling predicts that the severity of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J instances is to increase as a result of current 3D/IMAX film technology by orders of magnitude approximating 12 Michael Bays (or $0.\overline{9394}$ Jerry Bruckheimers).,
While the author admits that it has not been proven per se that the implicated corporations possess the capacity to create SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J, the likelihood of the observed outcome(s) with respect to the films' ratings and earnings without the use of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$-J is $\approx {1 \over 9.6e968}$, rendering the assumption (1) essential with respect to the conceptual comprehension of the observed gross revenue numbers, and (2) pragmatically actionable as fact.
Figure 2. Foundation Agents (the adults plus Dr. ”Jimmy” Banks, Ph.D., circled and just prior to sneezing on a Class-C participant) attending a screening of Air Bud 3: World Pup. This was part of a randomized trial to test the efficacy of the then-available and much-cheaper safety goggles.
Table of Suspiciously Successful Example Movie Franchises and Their SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J Coefficients
| Marv██ Cinematic Universe |
|
| Targeted Movies* |
█ron Ma█ (2008), The ██credible Hu██ (2008), █ron Ma█ 2 (2010), ██or (2011), ███ta█n ██eric█: The█First█Avenger█ (2011), Marv██'s ███ A██n█ers (2012), I███ █an 3 (2013), Tho█: █he █ark █orld (2013), ██p█ain ███████: T██ █i█t██ Sold███ (2014), Gu█r█ians ██ █he ██laxy (2014) █vengers: Age of Ultro█ (2015), Ant█Man (█015), Cap██tain A██mer█ica: C█iv█il Wa█r (2016), Doc███ ██range (2016), Guardians of the ██████ Vol. █ (2017), Spider-███: Ho██comin█ (2017), Th██: █ag███ok (2017), Black Pan████ (2018) ████████: Infinifty War (2018), Ant-Man ███ the Wasp (2018), ██pit██ Marv██ (2018), Untitled Avengers f██m (2019), Unt███ed ███der-█an: Homecoming seq█el (2019), Guard████ ██ ███ Ga███y Vol. █ (2020). [JUST DATA REDACTED] |
| J Coeff. |
1.0 |
| CODE** |
N/A (Normalization Entry) |
* Post 2006. Films are listed in chronological order of release date. Highest-grossing installments are in bold type. Movies of higher questionableness are in italicized type and merit additional scrutiny. Unreleased titles are dimmed and are included in models as super-duper-theoretical data.
** Categorization of Disproportionate Earnings
| T█████████s film series |
|
| Targeted Movies |
Tr████████s (2007), T█an███████s: █even██ of the █allen (2009), T████████ers: Dark of the █oo█ (2011), T███sf█████s: Age o█ ██tin█ti█n (2014), T█████orm██s: T█e █st ██i███ (2017), █umbleb██ (2018), Tran███████s 7 (2019) [JUST DATA REDACTYL] |
| J Coeff. |
9.1 |
| CODE |
Extremely High with Maximum Expectation Index |
| Pi██t█s of the █████bean film series |
|
| Targeted Movies |
Pi██t█s of the █████bean: D█ad Man'█ █████ (2006), Pi██t█s of the █████bean: A█ World█s ███ (2007), Pi██t█s of the █████bean: O█ ███anger █ides (2011), Pi██t█s of the █████bean: D█ad M█n T█ll N█ T█l█s, Pi██t█s of the █████bean 6 (TBA). [JUST DATA PTERODACTYL] |
| J Coeff. |
5.1 |
| CODE |
Moderate with Moderate Expectation Index |
| Twi████t Saga |
|
| Targeted Movies |
Twi████t (2008), The Twi████t Saga: New ████ (2009), The Twi████t Saga: ███████ (2010), The Twi████t Saga: Breaking ████– Part 1 (2011), The Twi████t Saga: ████████ Dawn – Part 2 (2012) [PTERODACTYL JUST REDACTED] |
| J Coeff. |
ERROR |
| CODE |
Value outside range. |
Amnestic-Facilitated Interrogation: PoI $\sqrt{-1}$.
Dr. B███s: Alright Jimmy you little tit brie, the jib is up.
Jacob: Jesus calm down, he's a child and his name is Hiro.
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Can I go back to the Foundation Day Care?
Dr. B███s: Once you explain well enough why you were attempting to see another Land Before Time movie in there, son.
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Where is my dad?
Dr. B███s: Wise guy, eh? What if I pop you with some Class-Xs? Hmm?
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Like X-Men?
Dr. B███s: No these are classified pills that can selectively erase memories of our choosing. Look here boy.
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Are those Smarties?
Dr. B███s: They… are.
(PoI $\sqrt{-1}$ eats the Class-X amnestics.)
Jacob: WHA-… What are you doing?!?
Dr. B███s: What do you have to say for yourself now, Jimmy?
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Who is my dad?
Dr. B███s: Not so wise anymore are you? Tell me; would you like to go watch the new Land Before Time movie that's coming out?
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: (excited) #4 is coming out?!
Dr. B███s: … it's at #14 now. (To Jacob) Both the X's and the cognitohazard are stronger than I anticipated. Let's keep him for further interrogation.
Jacob: What the hell man?!
Dr. B███s: Hey kid, do you remember who you are?
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Umm… my name is Jimmy?
Dr. B███s: (To Jacob) See? It's fine. (Back to Hiro Jimmy) So, do you want to work for us? Right now we're studying movies, so to speak. If you say yes, you can see all the Land Before Time movies that they make.
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Are you the X-files?
Dr. B███s: Uh no… but I guess at the same time, yes.
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Are you and doctor?
Dr. B███s: It's "a" doctor, kid. And well, my name contains both "Dr." and "Ph.D.", so…
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Can I be and doctor?
Dr. B███s: (To Jacob) Are there anti-child labor regulations in the Foundation?
Jacob: I'm calling Kerosara man.
Dr. B███s: Oh c'mon his dad works with us and it's inevitable he will too one day… might as well be now and for me. We could call it an "youth internship".
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: When is tomorrow?
Dr. B███s: Well, I think this is enough to get us an interview log, right? Welcome aboard son!
PoI $\sqrt{-1}$: Dad?!
Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D. was scheduled for a defense of this dissertation on 6/21/18, at 10:00. However he has not been located since the online submission of this proposal.
All in favor of thesis rejection:
