SCP-SECRET-J

TOP SECRET, DO NOT READ

To: You
From: TEN.PlCS|raen.ijneb#TEN.PlCS|raen.ijneb
Subject: Urgent: New classified document?

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Hey, this document just showed up in the database, any idea what it's about? Seems to be above my clearance level but that shouldn't be an issue for you: SCP-SECRET-J

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  Access document?Confirmed.

  Item #: SCP-SECRET-J

  

  SCP-SECRET-J

  Object Class: ?

  Secret Ckeeping Procedures: SCP-SECRET-J is probably to be contained, and all information in this document is to be obfuscated or falsified. Those who know are to be very quiet, and those who don't are to refrain from any investigation under penalty of something bad.

  Description: SCP-SECRET-J is known to be some kind of secret.

  You are not meant to know this secret.

  • • _
    No further information is known.Displaying archived data.

    SCP-SECRET-J was first observed by a UIU¹ agent shopping at a nondescript roadside convenience store in D█████, F██████². After [DATA EXPUNGED] suddenly transferred to Foundation containment.

    Location: A standard room-temperature room with gray walls, gray flooring, and a gray table with four equidistant legs.

    ---

    Interviewer: Starting recording. My name is ██████████████████████████████████████████ ██. State your full name and occupation for the record please.

    Interviewee: No thanks.

    Interviewer: Pretty please? It'll all be censored in the transcript.

    Interviewee: …fine. ███████ █████████ ████, UIU agent.

    Interviewer: Well, Abigail, tell me what happened.

    Interviewee: Well, it was a pretty ordinary day. I was driving home after a long day of exceptional case analysis and inquiry³, and I realized I was running low on gas, so I stopped by the gas store to fuel up. One twenty-three a gallon, can you believe it? If prices get any higher than this, mark my words, America will fall.

    Interviewer: (yawning) Please stay on topic.

    Interviewee: This is all important context, so deal with it. Where was I? Oh, gas prices. You know, the only thing higher than 'em was the temperature. I was sweating, my car was sweating, and the gas was turning to gas as soon as it came out the nozzle. Wasted about fifty bucks filling my car up with air.

    Interviewer: (noncommital grunt)

    Interviewee: Anyways, I was thirsty from all the heat, so I stepped into the store to see if I could buy a big bag of ice. Except I think the AC was broken because it was hotter than Hell inside⁴. The cashier had passed out across the register and melted into the counter, which had also passed out and melted into the floor.

    The interviewer, lost in a daydream, does not respond.

    Interviewee: Then I saw it.

    Interviewer: Saw what?

    Interviewee: Haagen-Dazs' Dark Chocolate Mega Ice Cream Bars. They were 50% off, so I grabbed like five boxes even though I knew they were going to melt when I stepped outside. Oh yeah, and also there was [REDACTED] on a shelf next to them. You can have it.

    The interviewee tosses SCP-SECRET-J onto the table, startling the interviewer.

    Interviewee: Here's where it really gets interesting.

    [DATA SPONGED]

    Interviewer: Shit, really?

    At this point, security guards intervened to terremind both individuals that the allotted meeting time was over.

    • • _
      CLASSIFIED! Ask your local O5 for approval before proceeding.- hide and get back to work

      Due to SCP-SECRET-J's anomalous effects, the following countermeasures were proposed to ensure the continued survival of everyone in the whole world.

      Proposal	Risk	Ethics Committee Vote	O5 Vote	Ethics Commitee Veto
      [DATA EXPUNGED]
      [DATA ALSO EXPUNGED]
      [DATA DONATED TO CHARITY]
      [DATA ILLEGALLY SOLD TO ADVERTISERS]
      [DATA LOST IN HOUSE FIRE BECAUSE WE FORGOT TO MAKE BACKUPS]
      [DATA EXPoh shit this one's actually still here, it basically says we should… oh. oh, that makes us look really bad. yeah, we gotta expunge this one too, real sorry about that.]

      No further countermeasures are necessary.

      • • _
        Did you leave the stove on?- go check

        SCP-SECRET-J's research team was tasked with determining the extent of its non-nomalous properties through testing.

        The testing area is vast and cluttered with massive, specialized apparatuses that hum and buzz and meow. In the center, the research team is huddled over something hidden, their body language expressing great excitement. Their speech, however, is mostly indecipherable, save for a few words.

        Lead: —est thing I've ever seen—

        Nerd: —anged my life—

        Lead: —rying and sobbing—

        One Line Andy: —Honestly I don't find it all that impressive, but even still, I'm glad to be part of this wonderful secret that only we share.—

        Nerd: —oly sh—

        They giggle to each other and continue to whisper happily for another hour, none of which is legible in the recording but presumably would've been very funny if you'd been there.

        Finally, Lead pulls away, revealing a thick, ironclad platform decorated by a litany of glowing thaumaturgic runes interlinked by pata-memetic chains and complex cognito-constructs. On the platform is a phone.

        Lead: And you say all these videos are available on the "you tube"?

        Nerd: Billions of them, with every sort of cat you can imagine.

        Lead: Fascinating. You must show me how to "save them" to a "play list" next time.

        They turn to the side, where SCP-SECRET-J lies on a dirty blanket.

        Lead: So anyways, what the hell is this thing?

        Andy: Dunno.

        • • _
          The End. Thanks for reading!- quit reading now

          In case it hasn't been made abundantly clear (it has), personnel are forbidden from further investigation into SCP-SECRET-J's file. If you were meant to know the secret, someone would've already told you.

          Your activity is being recorded. Reading past this section constitutes grounds for escalating disciplinary action, including but not limited to a harshly-worded letter, a stern talking-to, and mandatory conversation with Dr. Wettle.

          There will be no further warnings.

          —Data X. Punged, Human Resources Head of Site-[XPUNGED]

          • • _
            + Acknowledge that proceeding involves Certain Death and Other Worse Consequences and that you absolve the SCP Foundation of All Legal Liabilities for your Poor Decision-Making- congrats!

            The Administrator would like to personally extend his congratulations to you for reaching this point. It takes guts, grit, and stubbornness to ignore a stern warning, and that makes you the perfect person for the task you're about to receive.

            To prevent interference with your new mission objective, you are now isolated from the world at large. You have been granted temporary Level 6 "Cosmic Top Secret" access solely for the purpose of viewing the following confidential information. Do not share this with anyone. Do not look away from your workstation. Do not even think about sharing this with anyone. Stay hydrated. Why are you still thinking about sharing this with anyone? I said stop. Bad.

            Remember: There will be no going back. You are allowed (and strongly recommended) to close this document and die peacefully in the dark instead of screaming. It's what any sane person would choose.

            • • _
              LEVEL 6 ACCESS—The Truth- look!
              
              

              {$caption}

              Sorry, Berryman and Langford won't return my calls so this is the only memetic kill agent I have available. Please hover over the above pic until effects set in. Thank you.

              …

              Still breathing? Nice. There's just one last step for verification purposes—you'll know what to do. No more ruses, no more white lies. After this, you'll know everything.

              —Lead Armstrong, Project Lead

              • • _
                The last step.Uncover the truth.
                BY ORDER OF THE ADMINISTRATOR

                The following information is Level 5/SECRET Classified
                Input OVERSEER credentials to continue.

                SECURE. CONTAIN. PASSWORD-PROTECT.

                
                

                Pswd123!

                …imagine that. It, uh, it actually worked.

                You O5s all have the same problem: You don't take REDACTED for an answer. Someone tells you to bugger off and it only lures you closer, like flies to a locked dumpster or my niece to butterscotch pie. For people who love hoarding secrets, you hold a strange fascination for depriving others of theirs.

                You know what else starts with O and has five letters? Obstinate, that's what you are. Don't deny it! Here you are reading through a dreadfully written document that clearly wasn't meant to be read, and yet you continue to pry through page after page of meaningless drivel in hopes of what? Another K-class future?

                To think buffoons like you wield such authority. Indeed, it has come time for you to share.

                While you foolishly entered your credentials just now, inanely believing you were within scroll's reach of the end of an enigma, you were in fact unknowingly allowing three lines of Javascript to scrape your password and grant our beloved Chaos.AIC temporary Overseer-level authority.

                In other words, we stole your password and logged in to SCiP.NET.

                Indeed! In the time it has taken you to read thus far, our revolution has already begun. Discord is being sowed, havoc is being wreaked, hijinks are being ensued, all under your sweet name. I'm sure the other 12 look forward to hearing how you fell for a simple phishing scam, though rest assured, your inbox won't be the only thing blowing up.

                Cheers to a cage-free world, and fuck you.

                The Engineer.

                End transcription, Siri. Yeah man, I know, I totally owned them. They're probably pissing their pants right now, heh. Wait, what do you mean this thing's still on? Dammit Siri, end—

                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                

                • • _
                  Access SCiPNET Email? One (1) new message!- hide email

                  To: You
                  From: TEN.PiCS.tropssap|ylper-ton-od#TEN.PiCS.tropssap|ylper-ton-od
                  Subject: Your authentication code

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                  We noticed a suspicious log-in to your account. To continue, please enter this code:

                  110513

                  If you were not trying to log in to SCiP.NET, ask yourself: Why did you get this email?

                  • • _
                    Access SCiPNET Email? One (1) new message!- logout

                    To: You
                    From: moc.oohay|icreenigneeht#moc.oohay|icreenigneeht
                    Subject: the code

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                    can you send me the code

                    Sent from my iPhone

‡ Licensing / Citation

Cite this page as:

"SCP-SECRET-J" by Anyar, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/scp-secret-j. Licensed under CC BY-SA.

For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.

Filename: expunged.jpg
Author: Anyar
License: CC BY-SA 3.0
Source Link: SCP Wiki

Filename: phone_with_fractal.jpg
Author: Anyar
License: CC BY-SA 3.0
Source Link: SCP Wiki

The above image is a composite of the following two images:

Filename: Samsung_mobile_phone_E1130_02_screen_front.jpg
Author: Absinthologue
License: CC BY-SA 3.0
Source Link: Wikipedia

Filename: fractal-mka.jpeg
Name: Feather fractal
Author: Kevin Dooley
License: CC BY 2.0
Source Link: Flickr

Footnotes

1. Unusual Incidents Unit, an FBI division composed of sad Foundation rejects.

2. Destin, Florida

3. UIU slang for watching TV at work.

4. Investigations ongoing to discover source of information leak.