SCP-????-J
rating: +351+x
SCP- ????-J
LEVEL≥0
literally anyone
Containment Class:
what do i put here
Secondary Class:
i dunno
Disruption Class:
I SAID I DON'T KNOW
Risk Class:
how do i edit these
Item#: {$item-number}
Level1
Containment Class:
{$container-class}
Secondary Class:
{$secondary-class}
Disruption Class:
{$disruption-class}
Risk Class:
{$risk-class}
current status:
in a box
cognitive hazard level:
annoying
temporal hazard level:
timesink
memetic hazard level:
PLEASE HELP



Special Containment Procedures: SCP-????-J's box is currently kept in a containment cell 200m x 200m x 200m in size. SCP-????-J's box is comprised of multiple layers of tele-kill shielding, tantalum hafnium carbide, an outer layer of a graphene/carbyne lattice, and decorated with a vantablack floral stencil pattern.

vanta

Artist's rendering of the box's intricate surface ornamentation

This container is locked with multiple redundant locking mechanisms that are presumed to decrease the likelihood of unauthorized access. These locks are labelled SCP-????-Box-A through, uh, shit, SCP-????-Box-1 through SCP-????-Box-41 46 50 fuck it idk, the locks are—are all SCP-????-Box-1. It's a—what do you call it—collective designation. They materialize and dematerialize in random intervals but only one manifests at a time. When inactive, the box appears as a 1m3 sheen black cube, bearing a single hinged compartment.

Description: SCP-????-J is the designation for an anomaly of unknown specification, currently locked in this fucking box. It's been in Site-44 for as long as anyone can remember, and, I'm gonna level with you, no one knows where the fuck it came from. It's stuck inside with a bazillion gizmos, and they all show up randomly on the sides of the box. Anything—keypads, combination locks, time-based Sudoku puzzles—you name it. The thing is locked tighter than Clef's butthole.

SCP-????-J's condition was brought to the attention of Site-44 director Yanni Belushi when O5-1 pointed the box out during a leisurely stroll through the facility. The conversation is transcribed below:

SCP-????-J Discovery Transcript Log:

<BEGIN TRANSCRIPT>

O5-1: Oi, what the fuck is that thing?

Belushi: What, that? It's been around here for god knows how long. It's just a box, I think.

O5-1: There are no 'just boxes' in the Foundation. That thing probably has an Apollyon in it, lock that shit down.

Belushi: Yeah, you're probably right. Guard!

Guard: What's up, Belush?

Belushi: Don't call me that, that's not my name. Get this box out of here.

Guard: What, should I throw it in the trash?

Belushi: No, you moron, put it in a containment cell. Who knows what is inside the thing.

Guard: I dunno, Belush, the thing feels empty.

Belushi: I said don't. Fucking. Call me that. And stop rattling it around, you might piss off whatever is in there.

Guard: I'm telling you mate, this box is totally empty.

Belushi: And I'm telling you, put that box in a bigger box or else I'll shove my foot so far up your box that you'll be having infant-sized Dockers in nine months.

O5-1: Jesus.

Guard: Alright! Calm your tits, man. Sheesh.

SCP-????-J's box was then transported to its current containment area. Guard was reprimanded and probably demoted, jackass.

We weren't sure if the box was safe to open for the longest time, we still don't know for sure, but like five years ago—after the old Administrator kicked it—the story goes that the Council was divvying up his stuff and O5-4 kept going on about how the late Admin borrowed his signed region-free copy of the Fringe: The Complete Series Blu-ray box set back in like '14 and hadn't returned it, and that it was odd the old man's DVD collection hadn't been recovered with any of his effects nor from his numerous storage units,1 then they found some ledger of the Admin's with "OPEN THE LOCK, ENACT EVIL CHAIR-MAN AGENDA" scribbled in one of the margins. O5-1 mentioned SCP-????-J's container having locks, then they got this ludicrous idea they were somehow referring to the same thing and maybe SCP-????-J's box had a bunch of stolen Blu-ray disks inside.

So we started opening the box for them, or doing our best to. Then like last year, O5-4 finds his boxed set of Fringe in his basement, behind his dehumidifier or whatever, and left us to figuring out the nature of SCP-????-J ever since.

Anyway, we are making progress. Probably. Every time we solve something, or we think we do, the box makes this tone and we never see that specific bastard lock again. I think it's working. Some of them have timers on their sides, counting down. Sometimes a little instruction is scribbled on the exterior of the box, most often written in black permanent marker, which is, you know, an absolute pain. Most often, though, we're in the dark. If it weren't for some clues, we'd be going nowhere. How else would we have known you had to send it a fax? A fax?! Who faxes shit anymore? What is this, 1870?

A full list of all these goddamn locking mechanisms are found here.

Type: Info: Notes:
Standard combination lock Container requires a five number combination No solution found
Biometric fingerprint scanner Requires thumbprint of late pianist Mieczysław Horszowski Thumb is kept in a maximum security cryogenic freezer in Site-132
QWERTY Keyboard and LED TV Standard alphanumeric Login/Password. Minimum length password of fifty characters No solution found
Connect Four AI considered to be harder than a 'normal' round Completed
CAPTCHA Characters match no known language QWERTY keyboard unable to replicate symbols
Trigonometry test Scantron sheets print out of previously unseen slot Complete
Eating contest Six saltine crackers dispense from unseen part of the box. All six crackers must be eaten in twenty seconds Incomplete
Hand crank Simple wooden hand crank, required no special efforts3 Complete
Switches A grid of 15 x 15 switches in random states. No apparent order No solution found
Internal debate One random humanoid interacting with the box will enter a catatonic state. This lasts anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour. All report having a "dream-like" experience, wherein they argue with themselves over a transgression from their past. Outcome of argument determines lock state Complete
Tic-Tac-Toe Box always goes first, always starts in a corner No solution found
Tequila-drinking contest Endlessly refilling shot glass of tequila manifests on top of box No survivors
Rock, Paper, Scissors Humanoid hand manifested to participate. Best out of three Complete
Sending the box a fax message, requesting access into the box Facsimile machine must be placed on top of box Fax number found on bottom of box
The Great Conjunction Only occurs when Saturn and Jupiter share an ecliptic longitude Scheduled to complete in December 2020 Complete
Pocket Dimension One side of box will dematerialize to reveal an alternate version of Earth made entirely of denim jean pockets. Remote exploration of area has revealed "[DATA EXPUNGED]" inside some of the pockets Incomplete
One switch (Protected with a childproof medicine cap) Cap proved to be easily removable Complete
Reset Pin Small (350µm) pin required to activate lock Complete
Secret handshake developed by the Administrator Slot in side of box extends several humanoid hands Humans do not possess enough hands to complete handshake
Deadbolt Key slot size of human finger, requires insertion and fracture of left pointer finger Complete
Sudoku Prints and receives from same slot and must be completed within ten minutes. Considered "fucking difficult" Complete
Standard lock-and-key SCP-005 proved to be capable of disengaging mechanism Complete
Rubik's Cube Box separates into twenty-seven smaller, connected cubes and randomizes. Goal is to rearrange box to original state within ten minutes Complete
Riddle A timed locking mechanism that requires one to solve a series of random ambiguous riddles before completion4 Incomplete
[DATA EXPUNGED] Data expunges No solution found
Cognitive Test A multi-choice quiz on pattern recognition as massive quantities of smoke confirmed as containing SCP-420-J exude from small holes in the body SCP-????-J's container THeorettiaklyb iimposlbe Completed. Yassim, you lightweight
Personal ZK Individuals attempting to open box will permanently lose the abstract conceptualization of reality No solution found
Rap battle Snarky robot voice materializes and challenges individual to a rap battle No solution found
Defensive procedures Box will growl and attack anyone in sight. Knocking it "unconscious" does the trick Complete
Will At a random interval, the box will emit cognitohazardous transmissions that cause all involved to lose interest in opening the box. Overpowering this lack of desire completes the mechanism Complete5
Cylindrical hole roughly 3.5 cm in diameter Dr. ████████████ [DATA EXPUNGED] hole …Completed
Russian Roulette Six (6) buttons manifest on SCP-????-J's container. At least one button causes the interacting individual to terminate. Autopsy revealed internal organ failure due to the sudden manifestation of a Smith and Wesson .38 revolver within the chest cavity Complete
Staring contest Large eye manifests on side facing the nearest person. Presumably unlocks when eye contact is broken via demanifestation. Video footage shows an average of 90 minutes until demanifesting Incomplete
Sharing contest Large drop slot manifests on side facing the nearest person. Presumably unlocks when said person has given SCP-????-J's container enough of their own possessions. Video footage shows an average of 90 minutes until slot demanifests Incomplete6
Intravenous lines Seven IV tubes of different colors extend from box. A button corresponds to each color (ROYGBIV) All aforementioned colors cause individuals to explode
Smiling at the box for four hours, to be carried out by members of Mobile Task Force Lambda Omega Lambda ("Happy-go-lucky's") Smiles must be sincere and performed by at least five individuals Incomplete
Pencil sharpening A complete Ticonderoga pencil slides out of a hole in the box. Pencil must be placed back into hole, which changes to operate like a pencil sharpener. Upon sharpening the pencil down to the eraser, lock disengages. No clear way to lose test aside from a free, quality pencil Incomplete7
Salmon Panels on all side faces of box dematerialize to reveal non-euclidean passages. Salmon gush from compartments, creating debilitating tidal waves of fish. Single button on box disengages lock mechanism Complete
Contract Contract prints from box stating its official rights to open said lock would be provided cost-free, should it be processed "correctly". This involves getting the signed copy notarized, framed, and placed on the wall of its containment cell Complete, but annoying
Placing a sandwich on top of the box Must contain turkey Completed by accident
Two buttons One large, red button, bearing a skull and crossbones. A small green button with a happy face No survivors


Incident Report ????-1-2A

During recent testing, several new locking mechanisms have appeared. Any undocumented activity involving SCP-????-J's box should be reported to Site-44 Director Belushi immediately and recorded in the SCP-????-J's Box's Extended Mechanism Log.

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