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Item #: SCP-143-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: Whether or not SCP-143 can even be contained is a matter of debate. Current methods are purely reactionary, and include knowing smirks, sighing and saying "You guys, you're so cute together. Wish I had something like that,1" and, in severe cases, the use of spray bottles.

Description: SCP-143 is the raw, unstoppable chemistry between Researcher Julian Farnsworth and Junior Researcher Paul Samuels. Whilst under other circumstances this burgeoning beautiful relationship would merely warrant Archon (or even Ticonderoga) classification, SCP-143 unfortunately necessitates graver measures, due to the fact that the two researchers are at each others' throats if they're in the same room for five fucking minutes.

These confrontations (henceforth referred to as Benedick-Beatrice Events) usually begin with awkward silence, as the two size one another up2 before pretending the other doesn't exist. This state of vaguely tension-filled equilibrium is soon broken when someone just can't help himself and makes some unnecessarily snide comment,3 to which their partner in this oh-so-merry dance will feign indifference whilst composing an unoriginal put-down that, via some probable memetic infection, they perceive as tremendously witty.

Invariably, carefully constructed insults begin to fly across the no-man's land of the cafeteria until they produce the heavy artillery that is whate'er petty remark flits through their smooth yet lovelorn cerebral cortices, as the battle degenerates into a verbal slugging match.4 Farnsworth's duelling style incorporates swift, incisive jabs, including such moves as questioning Samuels' intelligence, competence, fashion sense and inability to attain full researcher status. Contrariwise, Samuels prefers the brutal broadsword blows of kindly suggesting his opponent remove various wooden items from various bodily orifices.

Benedick-Beatrice Events will continue in this vein, with volume and passion rising to a fever pitch, until they are screaming at one another loud enough that you can genuinely hear them outside the Site. It is presumed than the final stage of an Event would constitute the two halting abruptly, so close their noses almost touch, their ears ringing in the sudden silence, the faint smell of Site 135's famous treacle tart and custard on each others' breath, the faint sensation of that hot breath tickling their faces. Slowly, hesitantly, Samuels raises one hand, runs it through Farnsworth's dark, curly hair. And from that point, well, who knows?

We certainly don't; they've never gotten anywhere near that point, due to just about everyone in Greater Manchester5 yelling at them to shut up first.

Suggested neutralisation methods have included transferring one or both researchers, infecting them with an antimeme that renders them unable to perceive the other, and just locking them in a cupboard until they murder or shag each other; however, the O5 council have rejected such methods on account of "look, mate, we can't stand in the way of true love, we're not actually Disney villains." So we just have to listen to it. Every day.

Addendum: Staff testimonies

I'm this close to banning Farnsworth from Memetics. I swear Samuels can sense his presence like a Jedi or something, everything that isn't a smart-alec dig at him goes out of his head when they're on the same floor. I need a lab assistant who's focused, so I'll see about setting him up with a Grindr account or something.

- Dr. Ellen McDonald, Department of Memetics and Countermemetics

As a psychiatrist, I think it's important to consider what Freud would say in this sort of situation. He would suggest that we're projecting our own unconscious feelings of loneliness, depression and envy onto two external targets, when really we should search within ourselves and come to terms with the root causes of these emotions through introspection, so that we can move on with our lives.

Furthermore, it being 100 years on and Freud being a hack, it's important to disregard that entirely, because they totally want to bang.

- Dr. Sam Chase, site psychiatrist

Don't you all have jobs to do?

- Director Stacey Black, Site 135

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