Dadliest dad jokes of all time.
Item #: SCP-DAD-J
Object Class: Keter
SCP-DAD-J-32 playing under the snow.
Special Containment Procedures:
All identified SCP-DAD-J instances are to be placed in a modified, soundproof, humanoid cell, appearing as a suburban housing unit provided with a 4K 44" television, a lifetime supply of beer, a grill for barbequing, and a lawn with a full set of lawn tools. Anyone who wishes to talk to SCP-DAD-J instances are to wear soundproof headphones to prevent audible perception of SCP-DAD-J's "dad-jokes"1. Under no circumstances are staff to respond to setups or politely laugh. "Dad-jokes" from male staff with families are to be monitored for any SCP-DAD-J influence.
Description:
SCP-DAD-J is the designation for a collective of middle aged male individuals, with 35 instances currently in containment, ranging from 40 - 50 years old, who are married and have at least one children. When a subject delivers a low effort joke, hereby referred to as "dad jokes", the recipient(s) of the aforementioned joke will enter an acute violent state, with an intention to harm and/or murder SCP-DAD-J instances. The violence rate depends on how frequent SCP-DAD-J tells the joke.
DAD-J-23 Incident Report:
An incident occurred in a bar located in Edinburgh, during which resident Duke Magnum was an undiscovered instance of SCP-DAD-J, resulting in the designation of SCP-DAD-J-23. He was subsequently contained after he was found running from a violent crowd numbering approximately 47 individuals at 02:33AM. Foundation Field Agents in the vicinity of this incident swiftly detained SCP-DAD-J-23.
The following is a security camera log of SCP-DAD-J-23 watching a live football match at a bar:
SCP-DAD-J-23: The hell is the ref smoking? Even me nan could tell that's a fowl, and she's bloody dead!
SCP-DAD-J-23 finishes his beer. Multiple sighs can be heard as he stands up and walks to the bar.
SCP-DAD-J-23: You know what would be great right now? Another pint of Stella, mate!
Bystander: Oi! One for me too, mate!
SCP-DAD-J-23: You a Stella man too mate? You know what that makes us?
Bystander-1: Heh? What's that?
SCP-DAD-J-23: "TASTE BUDS"!
Bystander-1 spits out his beer.
Bystander-1: What the fuck.
Bystander-2 spits out his beer on Bystander-1's face.
Bystander-2: What the fuck.
The bartender furiously clenches his shaker, breaking it.
Bartender: What the fuck.
Everyone else: What the fuck.
The bar begins throwing various objects at SCP-DAD-J-23, brandishing various weapons ranging from butter knives to broken chair legs. The bartender reaches under the bar, before jumping up brandishing a shotgun.
SCP-DAD-J-23: Hehe… Uhmm… Hey sport… I don't want any trouble… Cause my kids are enough trouble as it is…
The bartender fires the first shell, which hits the wall behind SCP-DAD-J-23, narrowly missing his head.
Bartender: Get the fuck out.
SCP-DAD-J-23: Oh fuck! Oh shit! Oh fuck! Hold on! Let's talk about this like matu-
The bartender fires a second shell, grazing SCP-DAD-J-23's shoulder, accidentally killing someone trying to stab him in the back. The rest of the bar chases SCP-DAD-J-23.
SCP-DAD-J-23: Oh sweet mother of God! I knew that I shouldn't have been skipping out on Zumba!
Addendum DAD-J-2:
The following is a series of interviews with individuals surviving SCP-DAD-J's memetic effects. Some sections have been cut for brevity.
Interviewer: Researcher Buddy
Interviewed: Sue John
SCP-DAD-J-10 after his perm.
Sue: My name is Sue John, and I'm 48. I'm… Presman John's wife. Way before when Angela was in my womb, we wanted to throw a gender reveal party, and… My hubby said a joke. He turned to me and said "what do you do to have a space party?" and before I could get a word in he screamed "you planet!".
Researcher Buddy: I-I'm… Sorry for that Miss Sue. It's okay if you don't want to continue.
Sue makes a ruminating face.
Sue: I just stared at him when he said it. He told me that I looked spaced out.
Interviewer: Researcher Buddy
Interviewed: Rowan
Rowan: My name is Rowan, and I'm 7 years old. On a Christmas night with our families, dad bought me a broken drum as a present… And want to know what he said?
Researcher Buddy gasps.
Researcher Buddy: W-what did he say?
Rowan tears up.
Rowan: "The best present is a broken drum, because no one can beat it".
Researcher Buddy also tears up, hugging him.
Researcher Buddy: Oh, my poor boy! You should never had to hear that!
Rowan: I also asked him to put my shoes on and he just said "Sorry, buddy, but I won't fit in your shoes."
Researcher Buddy hugs Rowan even tighter.
Researcher Buddy: You're a strong boy Rowan. You're the strongest boy I've ever met.
Interviewer: Researcher Buddy
Interviewed: Darreck Kilroy
SCP-DAD-J-35 prior in containment.
Darreck: The name's Darreck Kilroy, and I'm 53. I'm a friend of Carl "The Car Guy" Butterman. He's a sweet guy. But then we had Thanksgiving together. And he turned to me and asked "What do you call a cow with no legs?"
Researcher Buddy whispers quietly to himself with no's.
Researcher Buddy: Oh dear god…
Darreck: Ground beef.
Researcher Buddy: There must have been a lot of people there who had to hear that, right?
Darreck gives a small chuckle to himself.
Darreck: Well, the good news is that the house fire has been extinguished, but so was dinner!
Researcher Buddy’s skin can be seen turning into tomato red, with a frown.
Researcher Buddy: Y-… YOU MOTHE-
Note: Following this interview, Researcher Buddy attempted to murder Darreck who is now designated SCP-DAD-J-35 with an unsharpened pencil. But you can say it was a pointless decision!2
