ADMONITION: EPISODE IXI: ITS OVER 9000!
DESCRIPTION: SCP-ADMONITION-J is the PLACEHOLDER-HARKNESS-XYANK-TESLA Model 42069-N1C3 Eigenweapon Device 9000.01. It currently accounts for 90% of the Foundation's operating budget. The device perpetuates the narrative substack as to not permit SWANN Entities to breach into our narrative level..At least, according to Dr. McDoctorate. .Why on earth did we recycle the header picture from the Acroamatic Abatement one? Are we stupid? .The author sure is. Not the one behind the picture. Harry is great. In order to activate, the device requires the sacrifice of 1,000 Foundation personnel. Specifically not D-Class. and is currently the leading cause of death within the Foundation.. We die in the dark so they may live in the light, or something like that.
In addition to requiring massive amounts of bodies in order to function, SCP-ADMONITION-J also requires its SCP documentation to be very pretty or else it will become sad and will start causing resonant cascade reality failures. The reasoning behind this, if any, remains unknown.. Though I could hazard a guess, my lawyers have advised me not to do so.
ADDENDUM 1: INTERVIEW WITH DR. MCDOCTORATE
O5-3: Hello, Doctor McDoctorate.
McDoctorate: Hello, Hector.
O5-3: Please don't call me that.
[McDoctorate is distracted playing with a SCP-6416-CUBE instance and does not hear him.]
McDoctorate: Yeah.
O5-3: Anyways… I am excited to be interviewing you today.
[McDoctorate does not look up from his SCP-6416-CUBE.]
O5-3: I'm a big fan of your work.
McDoctorate: Everyone is. And if they aren't, they're wrong. Isn't that right, Jim Cim?
Cimmerian: You're wrong about being wrong. Which is to say, you're right.
McDoctorate: Thanks, Jim Cim.
O5-3: My favorite was that one where we build a device and then we suffer extremely because of it.
McDoctorate: One might say we were… admonished.
[McDoctorate is wearing sunglasses. The crowd goes wild.]
McDoctorate: Thank you, thank you. Upvotes to the right.
O5-3: Just a moment, Doctor McDoctorate, I am hearing reports from ETTRA that the SWANN Entities are attempting to breach this narrative layer again.
McDoctorate: So? Fire up SCP-ADMONITION-J.
O5-3: But if we activate it again, we'll lose what's left of our staff! And we don't even know how since someone forgot to attach Special Containment Procedures to the document!
McDoctorate: This isn't tagged on-guard-43, it's tagged deepwell-catalog. That means we can do literally whatever we want as long as we justify it as being for 'the greater good'.
O5-3: It's also not tagged with admonition,.Not unless someone has truly lost their marbles. so what does that say about our situation, Doctor?
McDoctorate: Wait a minute…
[McDoctorate scrolls to the bottom of the page.]
McDoctorate: NO! NOOOOOOOO! IT'S TAGGED joke! WHO DID THIS?! ADMONITION IS VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS!
O5-3: Knowing the current -J climate, it might be MisterFrown.
McDoctorate: No. This was someone who is a known opp.
O5-3: What the hell is an opp?
McDoctorate: You're killing me, smalls.
O5-3: Researcher Smalls died the last time we activated SCP-ADMONITION-J.
[McDoctorate facepalms.]
O5-3: Wait, are you in your twinkish boy character mode? Or mad scientist mode? I'm conflicted here.
McDoctorate: God damn it, ADMONITION is serious business. I am not a twinkish boy. I am a genius! I can prove it! I'm going to sing the Elements Song from memory! There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium and iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium…
O5-3: Doctor McDoctorate, the SWANN Entities? What should we do?
McDoctorate: Activate SCP-ADMONITION-J. We're going to take an SCP-INTERMISSION-J while I sort this out.
INTERMISSION:
CARTOON BOX
thank yuo for watshing my intermeshun :)
ADDENDUM 2: RESEARCH OF DR.MCDOCTORATE
[McDoctorate walks down the Research Head offices of Site-55. They are mostly empty.]
McDoctorate: I fucking hate Boston. Mostly because I hate the Bruins. Go Maple Leafs.
[McDoctorate stops at the GoI Research Head office and kicks the door open.]
McDoctorate: YOU!
Everwood: The fuck do you want, Place? Jeez. You owe me a new door, by the way.
McDoctorate: I know you're an ADMONITION hater!
Everwood: What the hell is admonition?
McDoctorate: It's not pronounced like that, it's ADMONITION. Come on. It's like a brand.
Everwood: You mean like Wonder World ™ ?
McDoctorate: Literally no one but you and DarkStuff care about that canon. I'm talking about ADMONITION. The wiki's equivalent of the MCU.
[Everwood sighs.]
Everwood: Dude, you need to relax. I have no idea what you're talking about, but it sounds like some 'pataphysical bullshit that I have no interest in hearing about.
McDoctorate: I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about your creator. They're a known ADMONITION hater.
Everwood: What did I just say?
McDoctorate: You know what, that doesn't really make sense now that I think about it. Your creator made peace with me a few years ago. I know they even enjoyed EXISTENTIAL ABATEMENT.
Everwood: Are you going to explain anything or are you just going to keep yapping?
[McDoctorate tosses his hair.]
McDoctorate: Geniuses don't need to explain themselves.
[McDoctorate leaves the office and continues walking down Site-55.]
Everwood: Hey!
[Everwood chases after McDoctorate.]
Everwood: Why are all my staffers gone? Why did you kick down my door and yell about admoniti—
McDoctorate: ADMONITION! Not admonition! ADMONITION is serious business!
Everwood: Yeah, sure. Anyway, I think we need to figure something out. Someone, or something, has killed all my staff and now the Site's a ghost town.
McDoctorate: Of course! Someone is altering the narrative! I figured it out because I am a genius!
Everwood: dog seriously you need to explain things better. i dont know whats going on and i am literally part of the story.
McDoctorate: Aha! See?! You just did it right there! You spoke in all lower-case with minimal punctuation and in a meta fashion, when normally you are not a meta-thriving character! Well, except that one time. Can I get a link? Thanks.
Everwood: Oh god, you're right. Gross. I think we need to—
McDoctorate: Take another SCP-INTERMISSION-J? I agree! See you all at DEEPWELL-SITE-17!
Everwood: … what?
INTERMISSION:
CARTOON BOX 2
oh no were amlst done :(
ADDENDUM 3: DR.MCDOCTORATE AND DR.EVERWOOD'S BIZARRE ADVENTURE
[McDoctorate and Everwood walk down the DEEPWELL area of DEEEPWELL-SITE-17. Computers beep all around them.]
McDoctorate: We're almost there, Jay. We're almost to the Narrative Substack Archive.
Everwood: If the Foundation has the power to alter reality's Narrative, how come they don't use it to stop anomalies from propagating? Or maybe even get rid of that lizard that wrecks 19 three times a year?
McDoctorate: We tried that. Can I get a link? Thanks, you're the best.
Everwood: Who are you even talking to?
McDoctorate: Don't worry about it. Anyway, look! There's someone over there!
[McDoctorate points ahead to the main DEEPWELL computer. There is someone visibly typing away at it, but their identity is obscured by the light of the computer.]
Unknown: Uh oh!
[Unknown scampers off and disappears in the distance.]
Everwood: Ah, hell. How are we gonna catch them now?
McDoctorate: Easy. We check their login credentials.
Everwood: Good call.
[McDoctorate and Everwood approach the terminal and access the credentials of the previously logged in user.]
Everwood: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
McDoctorate: Who the hell is—
ADMO
FEATURING RESEARCHER JAMES
WITH ART BY WINDELL OSKAY, NASA, WALT DISNEY, AND WARNER BROTHERS
