SCP-9963

Everything you know is wrong.

SCP-9963, making a speech at the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

ITEM #:

9963

CONTAINMENT CLASS:

CERNUNNOS

Special Containment Procedures: Due to his¹ public standing and fame, as well as the logistics required to erase him from public memory, containment of SCP-9963 has been deemed impractical. Instead, Mobile Task Force Upsilon-16 "Miracle Machines" is to covertly monitor SCP-9963 and send weekly reports regarding his readings.

Following Incident-9963, direct contact with SCP-9963 is forbidden.

Description: SCP-9963 is Alfred Matthew Yankovic, known to the public as "Weird Al" Yankovic. SCP-9963 is a baseline human, measuring at 183 cm in height and 66 years of age as of 2025.

SCP-9963's anomalous properties involve his consistent measurements on numerous Foundation analytical scales. These include, but are not limited to:

• 0 Humes²
• 0 Akiva Radiation³
• 0 on the Pickman scale⁴
• 0 Medranites⁵
• 0 Lloyd-Fox Particles⁶
• 0 on the Hussian scale⁷
• 0 Cultons⁸
• 0 Berkley-Trudeau Emissions⁹

As the majority of consensus humanity has a minimum reading of ≤0.001 (with a margin of error of ±0.0001) on all Foundation scales¹⁰ during their average lifespan¹¹, SCP-9963's persistent normalcy is - in and of itself - anomalous.

Discovery: SCP-9963's properties were discovered on 01 November 1987, during a concert at Knott's Berry Farm, Buena Park, California. Investigative Task Force Sigma-50 "Snoopy's Sniffers" were searching for an unrelated anomaly on the premises when Agent Evan Stevens inadvertantly focused his Scranton Reader¹² upon SCP-9963. Sigma-50's investigation was halted in order to corroborate Agent Stevens' readings; by the time they were confirmed to be valid, SCP-9963's performance had ended, rendering apprehension impossible.

Sigma-50's findings were reported to Site-21 Command, which were in turn reported to Overwatch Command. A transcript of the resultant meeting between the latter is below:

SUMMARY MEETING OF THE O5 COUNCIL, 02-11-1987

In attendance: O5-1, O5-2, O5-3, O5-5, O5-7, O5-8, O5-10, O5-11, O5-12, O5-13

Absent: O5-4¹³, O5-6¹⁴, O5-9¹⁵

---

O5-02: This had better be important, One. I was having the most wonderful dream—

O5-01: I assure you, Two, that this is much more important than whatever juvenile fantasy you were having.

O5-03: Ma'am, please, you of all people should know about professionalism here—

O5-07: Am I reading this right? "Weird Al"? The novelty singer?

O5-11/O5-12: (Simultaneously) What?!

O5-01: (Clears throat) Volume, everyone. Yes, Seven, you aren't mistaken. It appears that Mr. Yankovic is anomalous.

O5-08: (chuckling) Six ain't gonna like this.

O5-05: Never took him for a fan.

O5-08: He ain't.

O5-03: Can we please focus?

O5-10: Calm down, Three. Are we certain that Sigma-50's Readers were properly functional?

O5-01: Undoubtedly, Ten. The chances of all three of their devices being wrong are astronomically low.

O5-11: Surely you don't think…

O5-12: We need to contain him?

(O5-02 grimaces and shudders, but says nothing.)

O5-01: That would be tricky, I'll admit. Mr. Yankovic's explosion in popularity—

O5-10: We can't just kidnap him and replace him with a double?

O5-01: Unfortunately, Mr. Yankovic's… uniqueness would be extremely difficult to replicate, even with the technology at our disposal.

O5-08: (Scoffs) We can't just yank him anyway and use the Ennui Protocol?

O5-03: We can't do that! It's disproportionate, not to mention the manhours we'd need to put in to—

O5-02: Do you have a better idea, you whiner? Even if this guy "only" has no Humes, we have an obligation to—

O5-07: Now hold on a damn minute—

(An argument breaks out amongst numerous members of Overwatch Command. O5-01 attempts to restore order, to no avail. After one minute, the noise is silenced by the slamming of something metallic against the table.)

O5-13: Enough. I have run calculations, and determined with 99.999% certainty that total containment of Mr. Yankovic - or rather, SCP-9963 - is infeasible at this time. As such, I would like to make a proposal in its stead.

(Silence on the recording.)

O5-13: We shall designate SCP-9963 Cernunnos, and assign a dedicated Task Force to continue measuring its readings for the foreseeable future. … All in favor?

(Four "Aye"s sound.)

O5-13: All against?

(Four "Nay"s sound.)

O5-13: … Since it appears Seven is abstaining, I shall break the tie with a vote in favor. The motion passes. Meeting adjourned.

Current measures for SCP-9963 were subsequently put into place.

Incident-9963: On 05 July 2022, following the placement of O5-07's successor, Task Force Upsilon-16 was ordered to apprehend SCP-9963, pending a revision of his Object Class.

SCP-9963 was subsequently approached by Agent Lantic in plainclothes outside of a hardware store in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The transcript of the encounter is as follows.

(Agent Lantic approaches SCP-9963 at a brisk pace.)

Lantic: Holy… are you Weird Al?

(SCP-9963 looks around in faux-confusion, before pointing to himself.)

SCP-9963: Who, me?

Lantic: (Laughs) Yes, you. I'd recognize that hair anywhere. I'm a huge fan.

SCP-9963: Glad to hear! … You're not gonna quote those songs at me, are ya? I've heard them so many times—

Lantic: No, no, not at all. (Laughs) I just want you to autograph something.

SCP-9963: Oh, I don't really do spontaneous things like that.

Lantic: Oh, it's just a small thing. (Lantic removes a disc case for the album "Poodle Hat"¹⁶ and marker from their bag)

SCP-9963: Well, if ya insist. (SCP-9963 signs the case) Say, I recognize ya from somewhere. Weren't ya in the front row for Strings Attached, June sixth, Fort Lauderdale?

Lantic: Oh, yeah. (Laughs) Me and a few friends got lucky.

SCP-9963: (Hums) You and your friends must get lucky with my shows a lot.

Lantic: What do you mean?

SCP-9963: Oh, don't play coy, skipper!

(Agent Lantic tenses up, reaching towards a concealed button to call the rest of Upsilon-16. However, they pause after a moment and allow for SCP-9963 to continue.)

SCP-9963: Ya think I won't recognize the same few people at every show? You all must either be some really dedicated super fans, rich stalkers… or secret agents.

Lantic: I… I…

SCP-9963: Word of advice, kid. Take some improv classes. You five are as see-through as a damp bedsheet ghost.

(SCP-9963 hands the signed album back to Agent Lantic, who accepts it hesitantly.)

Lantic: Th-thanks. I'm sure you're really busy right now, so—

SCP-9963: Well, hang on now. Before you leave, I want ya to tell your friends a few things.

Lantic: Like… what?

SCP-9963: First, if [DATA EXPUNGED]¹⁷ is still kickin', tell him his gunners can't hit the broad side of a barn!

(Agent Lantic frantically pushes their Task Force Ping button)

SCP-9963: Second, tell 'em to stop calling me an "it". I ain't a dang sewer clown! And third…

(The remainder of Upsilon-16 – also in plainclothes – begin to approach Agent Lantic and SCP-9963.)

SCP-9963: Tell Izzy I said "hi", if you can. Or…

Lantic: O-or what?

SCP-9963: I'll sue ya!

(SCP-9963 proceeds to walk away from Agent Lantic, just as Upsilon-16 fully converges on their location. Another Agent moves to apprehend SCP-9963, but Agent Lantic halts them, shaking their head.)

Following this incident, Agent Lantic was amnesticized following their report back to Upsilon Command, and reprimanded for their poor conduct and composure. SCP-9963's classification of Cernunnos is to remain; his requests have been granted.

Footnotes

1. See Incident-9963.

2. Measures reality stability in regards to an object, entity, or location.

3. Measures faith and divinity.

4. Measures exposure - inadvertant or deliberate - to sub-Veil phenomena.

5. Measures an entity's profaneness, usually as a result of exposure to [REDACTED].

6. Measures exposure to temporal anomalies.

7. Measures exposure to 'pataphysical anomalies.

8. Measures religious civilians' exposure to faith-based cults.

9. Measures an entity's political influences.

10. Refer to "Are All of Us Anomalous?" by Moto Hoji, Department of Readings Newsletter, 6/2021 ed.

11. For example, Doctor Alto Clef – himself a self-proclaimed "Reality Sink" – possesses: 0.123 Humes, 4Akv, a 100 ranking on the Pickman scale, 9,570 Medranites, [REDACTED] Lloyd-Fox Particles, a 52 on the Hussian Scale, 21 Cultons, and 76_B-TE.

12. Deprecated Foundation device used to measure Humes; replaced by the Kant Counter in 2000 as part of the Millennium Initiative.

13. At a Foundation-Coalition relations conference with DC Al Fine.

14. Preoccupied.

15. Ill.

16. Sourced from their personal collection.

17. Legal name of O5-06's predecessor.

‡ Licensing / Citation

Cite this page as:

"SCP-9963" by AlienSpaceBat, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/scp-9963. Licensed under CC BY-SA.

For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.

Filename: weird al.jpg
Name: "Weird Al" Yankovic at the Lin-Manuel Miranda Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony (45212532085) (cropped)
Author: Luke Harold
License: CC 1.0 Public Domain
Source: Wikimedia Commons