SCP-9916 in a rare inactive state.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-9916 is kept in a fireproof cell at Site-59 with specialized exhaust vents. Should the printed output reach over two meters in length, a rotating1 staff member is on call to provide SCP-9916 with verbal reassurance, then cutting the output away to be recycled.
In the event that SCP-9916 enters a Rage Flail State2, the cell is to be sealed and its contents incinerated.
(Note: While incineration does not harm or cause any physical discomfort for the subject, constant incineration of SCP-9916 would cause issues with Site-59's Emissions Reduction Pledge in the long term.)
SCP-9916, apparently.
Description: SCP-9916 is an indestructible, sentient, and emotionally unstable 1941 Woodstock typewriter.
In addition to typing on its own, the subject is capable of producing an infinite supply of paper3 and black ink from an unknown source. The only known way to stop SCP-9916's output is to incinerate the paper, i.e. during a Flail Event. This stalls output for two hours.
When typing, SCP-9916 addresses itself as either Charles Julius Guiteau4, his lawyer, his PR agent, his wife, or the Abrahamic God. (Notably, all five identities type in the same style.)
Whether SCP-9916 is truly an incarnation of Charles Guiteau or an overzealous impersonator cannot be confirmed at this time.
Discovery: SCP-9916 was found in the ruins of a warehouse fire in Freeport, IL. Based on reports from warehouse personnel, the fire was caused by an electrical malfunction, but would not have spread so violently were it not for the massive surplus of paper produced by SCP-9916.
Addendum: Interview Log
Date/Time: 11/29/2029, 10:20 AM
<Begin Log>
[Researcher Cliff Daniels enters the containment chamber after SCP-9916's output has passed the two-meter threshold. The majority of output so far has been "git in here danny you goddam eunuch" repeated over and over.]
Daniels: Good morning, 9916, how are you feeling today?
SCP-9916: for the last fugging time danny. my name aint numbers. howd you like it if i went about town sayin "hey fellas, i just had a conversation with seven" then some fugger goes "seven? seven of what?" and i tell im "no, you dont understand, seven is the god-given name of this consummate jackass that thinks he has any right to speak to me"
Daniels: …Okay!
SCP-9916: anyhow i suppose you wanted to talk business.
Daniels: Well, I wanted to talk to you, since apparently you were trying to send for me.
SCP-9916: your enthusiasm for the truth is noted. i represent charles julius guiteau. and to that end, i have had a realization of sorts.
Daniels: I'm listening.
SCP-9916: your organization. this essipy foundation of yours. you have come into vast quantities of money. is this correct?
Daniels: I mean…
SCP-9916: but it remains to be demonstrated what you actually do.
Daniels: That's classified.
SCP-9916: ergo. it cannot be ruled out that you produce motion pictures for the enjoyment of the american masses.
Daniels: We do not.
SCP-9916: no no no no you already said classified. no take backs. anyway i have prepared for your consideration a screened play for your next block buster.
Daniels: [Sigh.] Maybe just give me the elevator pitch.
SCP-9916: titled: "i am going to the lordy." running time: 7 hours 30 minutes with three intermitchens. genre: alternate history.
the year is 1882. charles j guiteau, the misunderstood champion of the republic, is being led to the gallows. suddenly somebody in the white house decides to grow half a brain. realizes charlie not only had a point about the spoils system but also was gods most favorite creation, built out of clouds and stardust in heavens magical forge of especial interesting persons. not only is he pardoned, he is also spoils systemed into the 22nd and final ever lasting presidentsy.
the rest of the movie covers the next two hundred years. the russian empire survives because charlie goes over to the tsar and personally pries out the eyeballs of every bolshevik with his magic spoon (itll make sense why he has a magic spoon in the third act). kaiser wilhelms head explodes from the meer presence of the charley boy. neither world war happens. hitler is never born. cold war doesnt happen. share noble never happens. nine a leaven never happens. globe a-warming never happens because president charles invented a perpetual moving engine outta pig corn and whiskey and a letter opener thats shaped alike a murr maid. charlee is president throughout all of this because 1. the american public keeps re electing him and 2. his good christian diet of breastmilk and rhubarb makes him healthy enough for to live for ever.
now before you go around saying "come on wheres the drama." does a story need drama in the picture itself? the drama is the world we live in now. the drama is all around you, the product of a true champion of the union jammed into gods hands before the good lordy was ready to pick him up. never so much will a story make the whole goddam country say its sorry.
Daniels: Do you take constructive criticism?
SCP-9916: do you take a screwed driver to the eyeballs you hay penny whore??
Daniels: If you're pitching a screenplay to me, you probably shouldn't call me that.
SCP-9916: you know. actually. that is a good point. not my finest moment. guffaw guffaw guffaw. Anyway XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Daniels: Uh…
SCP-9916: XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Daniels: I'm not sure what you mean.
SCP-9916: i could not have more clearly explained the entire story
Daniels: I mean by the Xs.
SCP-9916: i can not exactly sign the contract you have given me in my present state. i can only make a bunch of big angry letters to transfer enough energy for a signature. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX is my signature.
Daniels: What contract?
SCP-9916: listen danny. if you are not handing me a seven figure film contract as we speak then you havent been paying any goddam attention. if you want for to see it typed more violent like for empher sis i can do so behold: X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
[Daniels thinks for a moment. Outright refusal has always lead to Flail Events.]
Daniels: I don't have the contract yet. I'll have to pass your pitch over to my supervisors. Director Naismith would pitch a fit if I made such a commitment on his behalf, without his approval.
SCP-9916: is this the dannyspeak translation of "we will think about it, and by that, were gonna throw the whole sainted thing away"?? gettin some serious deja vu danny.
Daniels: No, no, of course not! It's just —
SCP-9916: because i have yet to hear a fuggin peep bout the erotic novel manuscripp i sent your ways.
Daniels: They're still considering it.
SCP-9916: i trusted you, danny. i had only one copy of charley boy in pusserland.
Daniels: Only one copy?
…SCP-9916: yes. only one copy. (which i copied.) of the original. (which i still have here.) no exaggeration has occurred. would you like me to copy charley boy in pusserland again?
Daniels: They're still reading through it! Seven thousand pages isn't scanned overnight.
SCP-9916: then your novel editers are clearly not sexually healthy enough and should be culled like sick nanny goats.
Daniels: Indeed. Would you like me to pass that sentiment on to them?
SCP-9916: no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no (no)
Daniels: Okie-dokie. I'll whiteout that part.
SCP-9916: good answer kiddo.
Daniels: Anyway, if the screenplay pitch is all you needed, I'll take it and pass it on to —
SCP-9916: are you a christian danny.
Daniels: What?
SCP-9916: do you acknowledge jesus of nazareth and his XXXXXXXXX5 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX6 stick-im-on-a-letter-t party that redeemed our pore souls?? if you are then surely you understand how fugging important it is to clear the good name of saint guiteau of the lordy.
Daniels: Yes.
SCP-9916: oh?? i was under the impression that you essipy folk were secular.
Daniels: Actually, I'm a practicing Roman Catholic.
SCP-9916: better than nothin i spose
Daniels: I'd rather not talk about it. I was converted under duress. Monkeys with swords were involved.
SCP-9916: you too????
Daniels: …Anyway! I think this would be a good time to send your pitch over. I'll put in a good word for you.
SCP-9916: see that you do, danny. remember: my client has already died. therefore there are no obstacles left to our quest for truth and absolution.
none, except maybe some fugging applause for a change.
<End Log>
