Squawk.
Projection of SCP-9037 represented as a manifold
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-9037 is to be kept in Site-184 in a standard containment chamber with reinforced steel walls. The containment chamber must have four 4 Scranton Reality Anchors built in, one for each cardinal direction. Information of SCP-9037’s physical mass is to be constantly recorded and monitored. Equipment used around SCP-9037 is to be regularly swapped monthly or upon malfunction. SCP-9037 must be constantly tracked as it ‘moves’ in the noosphere. Concepts ideologically related to SCP-9037’s current state are scanned for their complexity, proximity, and presence in total collective consciousness. The data gathered is limited to level 3 senior researchers due to its sensitive nature towards operations concerning SCP-9037. Researchers viewing the data must have a background in the noosphere, preferably with a metaphysics division.
SCP-9037 must be provided with a manufactured concept to digest at weekly intervals. The manufactured concept must be noospherically located near SCP-9037, in depth, not within the public consciousness, and not a core component to the reality’s normalcy. Junior researchers are tasked with researching the field provided to them from the previously listed criteria. Research must be incredibly rigorous and thorough, citing numerous papers. Research is not required to be submitted to any other personnel in the foundation, only proof that the research was completed is needed.
8-72 hours after feeding, security department personnel are readied to deploy at major populated locations. Personnel are to be put on alert for any new anomalous objects appearing in this time frame, specifically in relation to the form of research that was recently created. Anomalies that closely relate to the ideological structure SCP-9037 recently consumed are to be detained and sent to area-314. Anomalies detained this way are to be classified SCP-9037-1. Anomalies with classification SCP-9037-1 will be put under jurisdiction of personnel working closely with SCP-9037.
Description: SCP-9037 is partially an ideological complex existing within the noosphere (realm of human thought). SCP-9037’s complex is primarily constructed of anti-noospheric (realm outside of human thought) content, possibly of an alternate reality. This composition makes SCP-9037 incredibly unstable, as it contains abnormal and incompatible conceptual constructs. If completely isolated, SCP-9037 would collapse and release mass amounts of anomalous structures into the physical or metaphysical world. SCP-9037 can gain noospheric proximity to ideological structures by associating itself closer to the target concept.
SCP-9037 appears to be a mixture of various objects constantly in a volatile flux. The total mass of SCP-9037 takes up 6 spatial dimensions. It is only tangible with its surroundings occasionally when affected by reality normalizing apparatuses, and its high dimensionality renders most of SCP-9037’s physical mass unviewable. SCP-9037 can be moved by stabilizing its physical mass with Scranton Reality Anchors, and then pushing it like a regular object. SCP-9037’s full form has yet to be put together. SCP-9037’s size on the physical plane can vary, but is averaged to be the size of an elephant.
In order to stabilize itself and prevent a collapse, SCP-9037 is able to take structures in the noosphere and break them down into their conceptual complexes. SCP-9037 integrates these constructs within its form to replace its unstable constructs, slowly purging it of anomalous properties. SCP-9037 prefers to move towards and incorporate ideas that are in close ideological proximity, complex, and not within the public consciousness. Further, SCP-9037 has cravings for constructs that closely resemble that of its own, for a smoother replacement process. SCP-9037 feeds at one week intervals, but is estimated to be able to survive without feeding for a month before it collapses.
SCP-9037-1: SCP-9037-1 is the anomalous byproduct of SCP-9037. Upon intake of a conceptual structure, SCP-9037’s replaced ideological complexes will be removed from SCP-9037, occasionally manifesting into a separate anomalous structure classified as SCP-9037-1. Instances SCP-9037-1 is only produced approximately once every seven feeding cycles.
ADDENDUM 9037-01: 9037-1 Instance Activity: On 03/18/2004 the Foundation dispatched MTF Gamma-4 ‘Green Stags’ to the Metro Vancouver region, British Columbia, Canada after multiple consecutive anomaly captures in the area. These anomalies were all classified with separate designations, despite suspicions raised of a common source being a factor in their appearance. MTF Gamma-4 ‘Green Stags’ was sent with directives to discover a potential source of these anomalies, but turned up empty.
ADDENDUM 9037-02: Discovery of SCP-9037:
On 03/29/2004 foundation agents were alerted by field agents of anomalous presence in forests surrounding Metro Vancouver region, British Columbia, Canada. Sightings described a large blurring, flickering mass of random objects in constant flux. A containment team composed of members from two mobile task forces, Gamma-4 ‘Green Stags’ and Epsilon-6 ‘Village Idiots’ was dispatched to secure SCP-9037. The containment team located SCP-9037 and set up a research site to better understand SCP-9037’s esoteric nature.
EXPLORATION LOG
DATE: 03/29/2004
EXPLORATION TEAMS: MTF Gamma-4 ‘Green Stags’, MTF Epsilon-6 ‘Village Idiots’
SUBJECT: SCP-9037
[BEGIN LOG]
Gamma-4 [SANDFORD]: How close are we to the target?
Epsilon-6 [KRAVIT]: One hundred fifty meters away. We should get a visual soon.
Gamma-4 [SANDFORD]: Good to hear.
Containment team closes in proximity to SCP-9037, gaining a visual on the object.
Gamma-4 [SANDFORD]: Well shit. We’re sure that the perimeter is up right?
Epsilon-6 [EBNER]: It better be.
Epsilon-6 [KRAVIT]: I can confirm that the veil has been set up.
Gamma-4 [SANDFORD]: Good. Now who knows how to move this thing?
Epsilon-6 [KRAVIT]: It doesn’t look very tangible. I don’t think it looks like anything at all, actually.
Epsilon-6 [EBNER]: I think we should probably set up a more long term perimeter. We might need some time with this.
Gamma-4 [SANDFORD]: Well then let's get to it.
[END LOG]
ADDENDUM 9037-03: Relocation Attempts:
The temporary research operation built at the location of SCP-9037’s discovery was mainly there to figure out a long term containment option.
| Date | Test | Effects | Notes |
| 04/05/2004 | SCP-9037 was physically pushed by a mechanical arm | Mechanical arm phased through SCP-9037, before a third of it unexpectedly turned into a paralyzing cognito-hazard. | Memetic monitoring and security of SCP-9037 was increased after the test. |
| 04/11/2004 | SCP-9037 was surrounded by 2 Scranton Reality Anchors | SCP-9037’s physical integrity increased marginally, though not enough to move it. | |
| 04/21/2004 | SCP-9037 was surrounded by 5 Scranton Reality Anchors | SCP-9037 was stable enough to relocate it in the physical world. SCP-9037 shrunk in size by a scale of 2. | Methodology was designated the standard relocation procedure for SCP-9037. |
Closely following the discovery of a method to safely relocate SCP-9037, SCP-9037 was transferred to area-314 for containment.
ADDENDUM 9037-04: Transfer to Site-184:
To better research the complex ideological properties of SCP-9037, SCP-9037 was scheduled to be transferred to site-184’s metaphysics department.
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 06/02/2004
PARTICIPANTS: Henrriete Pauler, Rodger D. Barret, Jonah Kirisame
[BEGIN LOG]
Henrriete Pauler, Rodger D. Barret, and Jonah Kirisame sit around a roundtable in a meeting room to discuss the transfer of SCP-9037.
PAULER: Welcome to area-314.
BARRET: Thanks for having me. Give me everything quick, my schedule is busy enough.
PAULER: Of course. Jonah, will you do the honours?
KIRISAME: As there has been a large increase in esoteric anomalies, we’ve decided to send some over to your metaphysics department for analysis and development of more effective containment procedures.
BARRET: Are there any big names I need to be aware of?
KIRISAME: I have the full list here.
Krisame slides a dossier to Barret, who puts it by his side.
PAULER: Most of these metaphysical anomalies are non-physical, and you won’t have to deal with them infrastructure-wise.
BARRET: Good to hear.
PAULER: However, some of them are physical. Don’t worry too much, the only one we’ll be sending your way is a new skip designated SCP-9037.
BARRET: Anything of importance to note?
KIRISAME: It's highly unstable. We recommend securing it with multiple Scranton Reality Anchors. We also think that its metaphysical side is fairly complex, but we don’t have the facilities to check it.
BARRET: And that’s where we come in to do all the work.
PAULER: Don’t flatter yourself, Barret.
BARRET: Yeah, yeah. I’ll make a copy of the transcript and dossier to send to the metaphysics department.
PAULER: Good. This meeting is concluded.
Pauler, Barret, and Krisame all stand up and leave the meeting room.
[END LOG]
SCP-9037 was shortly placed under the jurisdiction of site-184’s metaphysics department. Senior researcher Perit R. Ackermann was in charge of the research and development of containment methods for SCP-9037. The first tests conducted were attempts to map out SCP-9037’s ideological being, in the noosphere. Mapping out the noospheric structure of SCP-9037 took approximately a month due to its anomalous properties. Research found that SCP-9037, similar to its physical form, was an incredibly large and highly complex structure in the noosphere. Research also uncovered the low integrity of SCP-9037, however continuous monitoring showed a marginal increase in stability over time.
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 07/01/2004
PARTICIPANTS: Rodger D. Barret, Perit R. Ackermann
[BEGIN LOG]
BARRET: What’s my favorite metaphysicist doing here on the first day of the new month?
ACKERMANN: Giving a report on the status of SCP-9037’s research, director.
BARRET: Yes I am aware. You should try small talk some time.
ACKERMANN: I’d prefer not to.
BARRET: Have it your way. What’s the map looking like?
ACKERMANN: After countless attempts, we’ve mapped out most of SCP-9037. Some parts are still far too esoteric to map out however.
BARRET: Splendid. What’s the data telling us?
ACKERMANN: We’ve gathered some troubling results.
BARRET: Oh?
ACKERMANN: SCP-9037 is composed of multiple incompatible and highly anomalous ideological complexes. In lamence terms, it's unstable.
BARRET: Damn, that is bad. Are we talking about a collapse?
ACKERMANN:Exactly our thinking. If it was just isolated, it would probably die and release all of its broken conceptual constructs onto the physical world.
BARRET: Basically, a big disaster.
ACKERMANN: A really big disaster. I’m talking global scale, a couple dozen anomalies at least, if not hundreds.
BARRET: Is it that serious?
ACKERMANN: Probably. It's a very large anomaly.
BARRET: How far away are we from a collapse?
ACKERMANN: It’ll last maybe four weeks? A bit more than a month at most, but at that rate it’ll be too late.
BARRET: That’s one overseer sized shitstorm if I’ve ever seen one.
ACKERMANN: There is a very small amount of hope left. We’ve detected that it's gotten slightly more stable over the past week. We don’t know if this is a trend that will stretch into the long term, but we’ll keep monitoring.
BARRET: You do that. I’ll plan a meeting with the council in around a week.
Ackermann leaves the office.
[END LOG]
ADDENDUM 9037-05: Unknown Integrity Increase:
Between 07/01/2004 and 07/06/2004, researchers continued to monitor SCP-9037’s properties. During this time frame, researchers additionally mapped SCP-9037’s location relative to the noosphere. Notably, on 07/03/2004, a sudden increase in SCP-9037’s stability was detected. While marginal at first sight, the increase would notably extend SCP-9037’s time until collapse by a week. Reasoning behind the sudden increase in integrity remains unknown.
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 07/04/2004
PARTICIPANTS: Rodger D. Barret, Perit R. Ackermann
[BEGIN LOG]
BARRET: Back so soon?
ACKERMANN: Yes. The news is important, and the news is good. Probably.
BARRET: This is about SCP-9037 right?
ACKERMANN: Correct. Recently, it gained an increase in stability.
BARRET: Great!
ACKERMANN: It's managed to turn its unstable bits into stables bits. We haven't been able to figure out why, but it's better than an apocalypse.
BARRET: Well that's good to hear. At least the meeting I planned with my superiors shouldn’t go too badly.
[END LOG]
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 07/08/2004
PARTICIPANTS: Rodger D. Barret, O5-2, O5-3, O5-6, O5-9, O5-12
[BEGIN LOG]
O5-2: Always a load of problems from metaphysics departments.
O5-6: Lets not pin too much blame. They’re doing their job.
O5-3: Stop being biased for your love of the noosphere.
O5-6: It's not love. It's an appreciation. Now, what do we have, Mr. Barret?
BARRET: A big problem. As you all know, SCP-9037 is another case of a large, ideologically based anomaly.
O5-12: Yes, O5-6 has informed us.
BARRET: Unlike many other anomalies, SCP-9037 is far too unstable to sustain itself. I’ve been told we have about a month before it collapses.
O5-9: Are you kidding me?
BARRET: No.
O5-2: Well what’s the fallout going to look like?
O5-9: I wouldn’t imagine it to be a very friendly fallout.
BARRET: Looking at the size of the anomaly, this is at least an Ekhi level disruption. It’s very likely to be higher. This thing is one of the largest noospheric structures we’ve seen, which means if it falls then we’re looking at about two hundred anomalies worldwide, maybe more.
O5-6: That is a big problem. How accurate can we expect this estimation to be?
BARRET: These are the numbers given our current pool of knowledge on SCP-9037’s conceptual structure. There might be more esoteric regions we have yet to discover.
O5-12: What is the estimated containment level for each of these anomalies? Can the veil survive something on this scale?
BARRET: From what we can tell about SCP-9037’s current state, they’re either going to be mostly Euclid class anomalies, with maybe 10 percent of them as Keters. This will all happen within the course of a day. I don’t expect the veil to make it out alive.
O5-3: Is there any good news?
BARRET: Yes.
O5-2: That’s surprising for the metaphysics department.
BARRET: Since last week, SCP-9037 had a small burst of increased stability. There’s traces of this happening over the course of the last month as well.
O5-9: What is the cause of this stability?
BARRET: We are unsure, and it could be destructive. However, I would take that chance over the collapse of our world order.
O5-6: Another win for the metaphysics department!
BARRET: Thank you, O5-6.
O5-3: I think this meeting has met the limit of its productivity.
[END LOG]
ADDENDUM 9037-06: Conceptual Digestion:
Regular monitoring of SCP-9037 revealed a steady increase in integrity, confirming the beliefs of site-184’s metaphysics department. Monitoring of the noosphere and close monitoring of SCP-9037 found evidence to support SCP-9037 was digesting other ideas to support itself. Support was provided by the [DATA EXPUNGED] division. This discovery was finalized on 08/20/2004.
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 08/20/2004
PARTICIPANTS: Perit R. Ackermann, Anastasia Rebane
[BEGIN LOG]
REBANE: Hello Perit!
ACKERMANN: What brings you here?
REBANE: Well, some big news! It's a lucky break, one that the researchers really need after researching with their head up their ass for so long.
ACKERMANN: Do keep it professional, Rebane.
REBANE: Don’t see the need to. Anyway, let's get on with the breakthrough.
ACKERMANN: Excited to hear it.
REBANE: We’ve discovered how SCP-9037 was healing itself. It turns out it's actually been eating other ideas.
ACKERMANN: Really?
REBANE: Yup. It explains its volatile movement, and also why it relocates itself in the noosphere.
ACKERMANN: How strong is the evidence?
REBANE: How little trust do you place in a friend? Well the evidence is strong. We’ve found that ideas near it seem to disappear, and cease to exist. We’ve also discovered that it's been using various parts of ideas to remake itself!
ACKERMANN: That sounds… even more dangerous than before.
REBANE: How so?
ACKERMANN: Well it can’t just change itself so quickly. It could lead to a collapse.
REBANE: I think it knows what it's doing.
ACKERMANN: I suppose if the evidence backs it. We need new procedures, removing ideological structures doesn’t sound very good.
REBANE: You are correct. Apparently, it just recently ate the solution to the Riemann hypothesis.
ACKERMANN: I’m sorry, it ate the one hundred fifty year old unsolved math problem?
REBANE: Apparently it wasn’t actually unsolved, until last week. It also leaves an anomalous byproduct, which can apparently just manifest as anything anywhere. We believe it's only a one in seven chance, though.
ACKERMANN: Not good. What did the Riemann hypothesis make?
REBANE: We don’t know, but we have reason to suspect that it led to all those anomalies appearing a couple months ago. I’ve got to take my lunch break now, so good luck drafting up new procedures. The results are in your inbox!
[END LOG]
New containment procedures were drafted to safely protect important concepts from being dissolved. All instances of SCP-9037-1 are to be transferred to area-314 for containment. Following new containment procedures, SCP-9037 was scheduled to be continuously fed until purification.
ADDENDUM 9037-07: SCP-9037-1 instances detained:
Shortly following the discovery of SCP-9037’s generation of anomalies, thirteen anomalies were reclassified as SCP-9037-1. Five of the anomalies were found before SCP-9037’s anomalous byproduct generation was known, while the other three were detained after the event. A mobile task force was created for a swift recovery of instances of SCP-9037-1, designated MTF Gamma-8 ‘Dung Beetles’, with permission from O5-6, and the Director of Task Forces. Shortly after the completion of their directive to contain a buildup of SCP-9037-1 instances, MTF Gamma-8 ‘Dung Beetles’ was dissolved.
ADDENDUM 9037-08: Instability incident:
On 01/29/2009 Senior researcher Anastasia Rebane proposed a test involving letting SCP-9037 consume a small anomaly in a controlled environment. The test was turned down by the leader of projects surrounding SCP-9037.
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 01/29/2009
PARTICIPANTS: Perit R. Ackermann, Anastasia Rebane
[BEGIN LOG]
REBANE: Hey Perit. I wanted to ask you something for SCP-9037.
ACKERMANN: I thought that case was practically closed. It's been five years since the last major development.
REBANE: Well let’s see if we can make a new one. Many of the junior researchers have a proposal for you that could reveal valuable information about SCP-9037’s properties.
ACKERMANN: Go on.
REBANE: We are suggesting that SCP-9037 eat an anomaly. A small one, just to see what happens.
ACKERMANN: No.
REBANE: What do you mean no? It's a great test! Probably the best one you’ve gotten from them, too.
ACKERMANN: No. It's too unstable, and if we feed it an anomaly, it could collapse.
REBANE: We ran the numbers, and the margin of error is sizable.
ACKERMANN: I still don’t like the sound of it.
REBANE: It's the perfect test! Anomalies are complex, they aren’t in the public consciousness, and we can probably push one towards SCP-9037 to eat. It’ll also boost team morale. There’s dozens of researchers fed up with having their weekend taken up by meaningless research that they can’t even remember! Because it doesn’t exist!
ACKERMANN: There's too much room for things to go wrong.
REBANE: Perit, we work at the fucking foundation. If we don’t make things go wrong now, they’ll go wrong tomorrow. We’ve done way more, for way less. This could be big, and we have a chance to manage it if it goes wrong.
ACKERMANN: Sorry Anastasia, I’m not giving permission for this test to go through.
[END LOG]
On 02/03/2009, an unauthorized test conducted by junior level researchers resulted in SCP-9037 consuming an anomalous noospheric structure, leading to a destabilizing effect. From what containment teams could gather, SCP-9037 produced 17 anomalous objects, with only 14 having been found or contained a week after the incident. SCP-9037’s instability incident was traced back to management issues in site-184’s metaphysics department. These issues resulted in an Ethics Committee intervention.
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 02/05/2009
PARTICIPANTS: Rodger D. Barret, John Gregerson, Perit R. Ackermann, Osmund Khan
[BEGIN LOG]
BARRET: You all should know what this meeting is about. We need to talk about the recent incident involving SCP-9037, and the failure in management behind it.
ACKERMANN: Why is the ethics committee here?
GREGERSON: On behalf of the Ethics Committee, we are here to discuss the failure in management, and to mend any fractures in the department.
ACKERMANN: You know I hate the ethics committee.
BARRET: Yes. But they are a necessary addition. Now, Khan, do you admit to enabling the conditions for SCP-9037 to consume the anomaly?
KHAN: Yes. I allowed SCP-9037 to consume… well it got eaten so it doesn’t really exist anymore.
GREGERSON:Osmund, why did you go forward with the test despite a lack of permission from Perit or other senior researchers working with SCP-9037.
KHAN: Because management was being a dick.
GREGERSON: Keep the environment professional, and do elaborate.
KHAN: Some of us have worked years on this project, with absolutely nothing happening. We all research obscure topics like abiogenesis in figs that we won’t even remember a day later. Not a single major test has been approved for the past five years, and a lot of us are getting fed up with the inaction. Our proposal to feed SCP-9037 an anomaly should have been taken more seriously.
ACKERMANN: Your results would speak otherwise.
BARRET: Ackermann, now’s not the time to be rude.
GREGERSON: Osmund, would you say that this pent up frustration was due to a lack of proper management? I would also like to hear your opinion on this as well, Perit.
KHAN: No shit. From our perspectives, all we’re doing is sitting around doing nothing.
ACKERMANN: I believe this issue stems from an inability for hotblooded big-shot wannabees to retain any sense of patience.
KHAN: Look here perry the platypus-
ACKERMANN: Do not call me that.
KHAN: Whatever you say Phineas. The point is that there is potential for serious research and breakthroughs via SCP-9037. It's not every day you get to study something like this, and we shouldn’t be throwing it away.
ACKERMANN: I would also like to not throw away the veil. The world is already changing dangerously by itself. The internet and these new megacorps and all of this shit is already bad enough and that’s just baseline humanity. We don’t need anomalies to help the apocalypse along, and it’s certainly not worth making it all worse for some bullshit research, something that you’ve clearly demonstrated.
GREGERSON: Can you both please maintain a professional and friendly envi-
ACKERMANN: Fuck these ethics committee meetings. I’m leaving.
Ackermann leaves the room.
[…]
KHAN: Same here. You all couldn’t screw in a lightbulb, let alone screw some sense into Phineas over there.
Khan leaves the room
BARRET: I hate these meetings. Everyone just gets pissed.
GREGERSON: I think they’re forgetting we’re on par with the O5 council.
BARRET: Lets be realistic here Gregerson, you’re barely on par with the D-class that scoop of 173’s manure.
GREGERSON: Watch your tone. This meeting is being recorded.
BARRET: When an O5 walks into a room, everyone shits themselves. When the ethics committee does, they all open a bottle of scotch. Ever wonder why?
GREGERSON: Can we get back on topic? This problem needs to be sorted.
BARRET: Yes, I know.
GREGERSON: I’m going to schedule meetings with Perit.
BARRET: Why not Khan?
GREGERSON: Because he isn’t the one in charge. A lot of this rests on Perit’s shoulders.
BARRET: If you say so.
[END LOG]
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 02/06/2009
PARTICIPANTS: John Gregerson, Perit R. Ackermann
[BEGIN LOG]
GREGERSON: Take a seat.
ACKERMANN: Is this still about the incident surrounding SCP-9037?
GERGERSON: Yes.
ACKERMANN: I thought we already had a meeting about this.
GREGERSON: We did, and if you can remember, the results were indecisive.
ACKERMANN: I recall.
GREGERSON: Let’s get down to brass tacks. As head of SCP-9037’s research, we’ve seen some problems in your division. Complaints have risen by eight hundred percent over the span of the last two years. There is a growing dissatisfaction spreading across everyone working with SCP-9037. Requests to be re-assigned to another project are two times what they should be. On top of that, the ability to properly follow containment procedures is declining as well. What do you have to say?
[…]
ACKERMANN: I don’t know. My guess is that these people just can’t stick to their jobs.
GREGERSON: I doubt it. From what I’ve gathered, the consensus is that nothing new is happening. People are going in expecting to do groundbreaking research, and are instead spending late nights solving the corner couch problem. The inaction in this department is causing a lot of frustration.
ACKERMANN: Well everything we have now has been working perfectly fine. We are making steady progress, and it will keep going like that.
GREGERSON: Would you say that you’re afraid of change, Perit?
ACKERMANN: What?
GREGERSON: Change. Societal, technological, anomalous. Do you dislike it?
ACKERMANN: Well, maybe some aspects, but change is good.
GREGERSON: What don’t you like about change?
ACKERMANN: If it isn’t broken, you don’t need to fix it. It's all pretty unnecessary.
GREGERSON: If you’re going to do your job well, you need to adopt a new mindset. The one you’re working with isn’t going to work out for this assignment.
ACKERMANN: John, it’s been working out pretty well for me so far. You need to be looking into that Oswald guy, or whatever his name is.
GREGERSON: While it was partially his fault, the management rests on you.
ACKERMANN: I didn’t even do anything!
GREGERSON: Exactly my point.
ACKERMANN: I don’t understand how these meetings keep getting foundation funding.
Ackermann leaves the room.
[END LOG]
ADDENDUM 9037-09: Containment procedure changes:
SCP-9037 was left vulnerable after destabilizing itself with the anomaly it consumed. Measurements at the time provided the possibility that SCP-9037’s consumption habits would have to be changed. If left unattended, the vulnerability could fester and permanently affect SCP-9037’s ability to purify itself. Senior researcher Anastasia Rebane and numerous junior researchers drafted new containment procedures that introduced methods to streamline SCP-9037’s feeding.
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 02/17/2009
PARTICIPANTS: Perit R. Ackermann, Anastasia Rebane
[BEGIN LOG]
REBANE: There’s been a new development for SCP-9037.
ACKERMANN: I swear to god if its about the-
REBANE: No, it isn’t.
ACKERMANN: I’ve really had enough of that conflict.
REBANE: Okay, we get it! Back on topic. I have a couple new findings, and I’ll start with the first one.
ACKERMANN: Go ahead.
REBANE: In an effort to boost morale and to further our knowledge, I had the junior researchers map out the data in certain ways to see if we could find any connections. One such iteration showed that the conceptual structure of SCP-9037 can resemble a wing. There’s also iterations that find some areas to be webbed feet. This is only what we could gather from our pre-existing knowledge on the purified areas of SCP-9037.
[…]
ACKERMANN: What is this supposed to mean?
REBANE: It gives us an insight to what SCP-9037 will be when it purifies.
ACKERMANN: Why is this important?
REBANE: Where’s your sense of wonder? For all we know it could turn out to be a chicken!
ACKERMANN: Can we please move on to the more important updates? Also, chickens don’t have webbed feet.
REBANE: Whatever you say. We found that SCP-9037 has had difficulty fully digesting concepts recently, and also purifying itself.
ACKERMANN: I’m guessing this is because of the incident?
REBANE: We think so. Here.
Rebane hands Ackermann a file containing an updated version of the secure containment procedures for SCP-9037.
REBANE: This contains new procedures that should hopefully let SCP-9037 purify more easily. Techniques in it could also give insight into the anomaly, and potentially others.
ACKERMANN: How much has SCP-9037’s purification slowed down?
REBANE: Well, only marginally, but we do have reason to believe that it will get a lot worse in the foreseeable fu-
ACKERMANN: Well until then, I see no problem here.
REBANE: What do you mean?
ACKERMANN: Look, this might be a problem, but SCP-9037’s probably just going to bounce back from it. There’s not a strong reason for us to change much, especially since there’s some uncertainty behind it.
REBANE: Perit, as a friend I would like to say that-
ACKERMANN: Anastasia, save it. My answer is clear.
REBANE: You need to understand! This is critical to the well being of SCP-9037!
ACKERMANN: Well being? It's an anomaly, it doesn’t need well being. That’s not a valid reason for us to waste millions of dollars on this project.
REBANE: You know that isn’t what I meant.
ACKERMANN: I already had this project ruined by these moronic updates and tests. I will not have it happen again! To make myself clear, I will not waste billions of dollars in our funds on flashy equipment, I will not condone dangerous and useless research, and I certainly don’t think SCP-9037 can be a fucking chicken!
[END LOG]
On 02/20/2009, the ethics committee and the director of site-184 came to a decision that Perit R. Ackermann was no longer fit to manage the containment and integrity of SCP-9037. Perit R. Ackermann was reassigned to another project within site-184’s metaphysics department. Senior researcher Anastasia Rebane was put in Ackermann’s place as the lead manager of SCP-9037’s containment. Under Rebane’s authority, the recently drafted updates to SCP-9037’s containment was approved and put into action.
SCP-9037’s ability to cleanse itself significantly improved after the initiation of the updated containment procedures. Team morale noticeably increased, leading to an increase of productivity concerning SCP-9037. It is estimated to take approximately seven more years for SCP-9037 to complete self-cleansing.
ADDENDUM 9037-10: Cleansing Completion:
TRANSCRIPT LOG
DATE: 01/05/2011
PARTICIPANTS: Rodger D. Barret, Perit R. Ackermann, Anastasia Rebane, Osmund Khan
[BEGIN LOG]
Barret and Ackermann sit in the employee lounge of site-184.
BARRET: Hey! Long time no see!
ACKERMANN: Indeed.
BARRET: How has life been?
ACKERMANN: A bit unnerving.
BARRET: Really?
ACKERMANN: I don’t find it that surprising. Nearly everything we find now is some existential threat to multiple realities.
BARRET: I get that. Sometimes it makes you want to go back to the time where it was just a couple nerds and a parasocial mountain climber.
ACKERMANN: The good old days.
BARRET: I honestly don’t think the change is that bad.
ACKERMANN: Why?
BARRET: Everything is so exciting these days. Technology, medicine, anomalies. Every day feels like we’re stepping out of a dark cave, or something.
ACKERMANN: I’m… not sure of that analogy.
BARRET: Well I was never good at them.
ACKERMANN: I know.
BARRET: You should.
ACKERMANN: Is there anything special happening soon?
BARRET: That reminds me. Follow along.
Barret leads Ackermann out of the employee lounge. Barret walks in the viewing area for SCP-9037’s containment chamber, where a Canadian Goose is in sight.
ACKERMANN: If memory serves me right, SCP-9037 should be here. Did they move SCP-9037’s containment chamber?
BARRET: Not an inch.
[…]
ACKERMANN: Wait. So you’re telling me, that this-
BARRET: Is SCP-9037. In its full, newly purified glory.
ACKERMANN: How? Before it was some meta-memeplex whatever and now it's just a goose?
BARRET: Exactly.
ACKERMANN: That shouldn’t be possible. There has to be some other thing I’m missing.
BARRET: Somewhat. It still has a massive conceptual side to it. But physically, it's just a goose.
ACKERMANN: A regular old fucking goose? No way.
BARRET: Yet life still finds one. It was able to replace all of its structure to make a new self. It might have left us almost a hundred problems to deal with on the way, but I think that might be for the better.
ACKERMANN: Is the ship of Theseus really still the same ship if it's rebuilt a hundred times over?
BARRET: Try six hundred.
ACKERMANN: My point still stands.
BARRET: I won’t try to argue philosophically with you, but I will tell you that all that matters is if the ship of Theseus floats. It was able to change itself for the better. That’s a good thing.
[…]
ACKERMANN: It's really just a goose. I hate my job.
BARRET: I’ll leave you to it, and maybe eventually it’ll sink in.
Barret leaves the room. After five minutes, Rebane and Khan walk into the containment chamber.
KHAN: I can’t believe we did it. Twelve years and finally, we’ve done it. You still haven’t told me what SCP-9037 is now.
REBANE: We’ll get to that. Oh, hey Perit! I hope we weren’t intruding, or anything. If you’re still upset about the whole-
ACKERMANN: Oh please, that was years ago. I was also a bit of an asshole, I will admit.
KHAN: At least you accept who you are.
ACKERMANN: No need to make it more personal than it already is.
KHAN: Of course. Anyway, where’s SCP-9037’s new containment chamber? Also when did this goose get here?
REBANE: Well, that’s the great part. SCP-9037 doesn’t have a new containment chamber.
[…]
KHAN: Wait, so you mean to tell me, that the super noospheric devourer of laws, is no more than the geese that annoys me around picnics?
ACKERMANN: Hey, at least it wasn’t a chicken.
[…]
A content smile draws itself on Ackermann’s face.
[END LOG]
SCP-9037 attacking a beaver in its containment chamber
Special Containment Procedures: The containment chamber for SCP-9037 consists of a large 128m2 room with reinforced steel walls in Foundation Site 184. A one way mirror is installed on the north side of the containment chamber. The interior is fashioned as a picturesque waterfowl habitat with a large and deep pond and flora. SCP-9037’s handlers are clearance level two personnel trained in animal care and goose biology that tend to 9037’s every need. Other animals native to waterfowl habitats such as beavers are included in the containment chamber.
Desciption: SCP-9037 is a canadian goose (Branta Canandensis Maxima) of regular proportion. SCP-9037 is identical to a member of Branta Canandensis Maxima in all ways. SCP-9037 has a stable, but incredibly large ideological structure in the noosphere. Despite its complexity, SCP-9037 manifests physically as a goose. SCP-9037 was previously incredibly volatile, but has since had its anomalous properties purged.
