Great television is hard to come by. Take a load off and stay awhile. Ignore the pigs.
Item #: SCP-9030
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-9030 is currently uncontainable. Efforts are ongoing to intercept and remove shipments of media infested by SCP-9030.
Selective-memory amnestics are to be administered to every human above the age of 12 in North America and Europe. This is accomplished through an aerosolized compound sprayed over large public areas and the injection of the amnestics in all mandatory vaccines.
The initial vector of the amnestic is to target memories involving the key words “fable”, “fairy tale”, and “fantasy”. The secondary vector is to target the key words "gray", and "tooth".
Description: SCP-9030 is a phenomenon affecting seemingly random pieces of media primarily in North America. SCP-9030 will “infest” a piece of media and change its narrative. These changes largely consist of the additions of pigs and their subsequent deaths. These deaths are usually implied to be incredibly violent, but are rarely described or seen. Characters within the narrative do not react to these deaths or other changes within the narrative in any meaningful way. If changes to the narrative are consistent with the original tone, plot, and characterization, they are reacted to accordingly.
SCP-9030 is believed to have existed within several narratives before becoming anomalous. Though these narratives have been investigated, it is unclear if there was a large-scale memory erasure event or if they have always existed in this state.
Addendum A: Instances of SCP-9030
The following are some of the most notable SCP-9030 infestation events. It is important to note that SCP-9030 infestations, unless stated otherwise, only affect a single copy of the infested media.
| INFESTATION POINT | TYPE OF MEDIA | EVENT DESCRIPTION |
|---|---|---|
| Little Red Riding Hood1 | Book | The wolf is no longer present in the story. When Little Red Riding Hood arrives at her grandmother’s house, she hears chewing sounds from within the bedroom. She does not knock on the door. She spends the majority of the story looking at her shoes. An hour later, when her grandmother leaves the room, they eat pork together. Neither speaks. |
| Jack and the Beanstalk2 | Book | Jack plants the bean in his family’s farm and it grows overnight. However, he does not climb it. Pieces of pig viscera fall from above. Jack’s father stands beside him and puts his hand on his shoulder. |
| Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark3 | Film | Pigs replace Nazis as the primary antagonists of the film. At the end of the movie, rather than being melted by the opening of the Ark, they are roasted. A large, dark shape can be seen emerging from the Ark before the film cuts to black, but it is too indistinct to make out. |
| Humpty-Dumpty4 | Cartoon | The fairy tale is significantly longer than its original version. Humpty-Dumpty is left lying on the ground for a significant, but unspecified length of time. Inside his cracked shell is a piglet. Eventually, one of the King’s men gives him a bandage which he uses to cover up the crack. There are brief descriptions of scratching from within Humpty-Dumpty, but they cease after a brief period of time. |
| [REDACTED]5 | Book | Every infested copy of the story contained only the words "No take-backsies". Over 38 instances of [REDACTED] have been infested by SCP-9030. |
| Braveheart6 | Film | The movie continues normally throughout the majority of its runtime up until the ending with Wallace's death. Before being drawn and quartered, Wallace screams and says that there is a "great beast within the city walls". His cries are ignored and he is tortured via the Goat's Tongue,7 however the torture is performed by a pig rather than a goat. |
Addendum B: Event-9030-A
On September 28th, 2023, an SCP-9030 infestation was detected and intercepted in a recording of the now-defunct late night talk show "Stayin' Up with Joel Bauer". The clip was of an interview between Bauer and three guests from an upcoming theatrical release in 1999.8 The guests in question were actress Maria Lang and actors George Conti and Albert Andersen. This recording has been classified as Event-9030-A due to the numerous unique anomalies present that had not been seen in an SCP-9030 infestation before and have not been seen since.
The full recording has been transcribed below:
BEGIN RECORDING
The footage stutters and flashes on to a bright, blurry display. The zoom is adjusted until the lens focuses on a man standing in front of the camera, standing on a small circular stage, identified as Joel Bauer. He is wearing a navy blue two piece suit and leather shoes. Behind him and to the left are his desk and a long white suede couch. There are dark blue stage curtains in the background with faint halogen lights placed intermittently above. A cramped hallway is set into the back of the stage, presumably for guests to enter through. Bauer looks to someone off screen before looking into the camera, straightening his tie, and smiling.
Bauer: Good evening everyone, I hope you're all having a lovely night. I know I am. To begin tonight's show, we'll be having the main cast of Lupo on to talk about the film and their experience working with Spielberg, and maybe even give us some behind the scenes info.
The audience claps and hollers. Bauer smiles and puts his hands up to quiet them.
Bauer: After that, we'll talk with Tom Waits about his new album "Mule Variations", his first in over five years. Then, to finish off the night, we'll have Jerry Seinfeld on in anticipation of his next tour across North America.
Audience claps again. Bauer speaks over the clapping.
Bauer: Well, I'm glad to see you're excited. Now, if you could get ready for another round of applause, please welcome George, Maria, and Albert, everyone!
The audience continues clapping. "Big Band" jazz music plays as three figures walk onstage from the hallway. The three are identified as Lang, Conti, and Andersen. Lang is wearing an ankle-length red dress, Conti is wearing a wool jacket, jeans, and sunglasses, and Andersen is wearing a bright red jacket and cargo pants. Lang sits on the end of the couch closest to Bauer, Andersen takes the middle seat, and Conti sits at the opposite end. The audience's clapping gradually dies down as Bauer sits at his desk, shaking each of the guests hands.
Bauer: I'm so happy to have you all on the show, it's really such a pleasure. I-I heard you all just got into New York a few days ago, is that true?
Lang: Yeah, we wanted to get in before the show tonight so we could go around and see the sights.
Conti: We got rained out of the plane right when we landed. Made a break for the cab and got to our hotel as fast as possible.
Andersen: Ruined my best sweater.
The audience laughs. Conti begins scratching a hangnail on his left index finger.
Bauer: Well that's quite unfortunate, but how's the city been treating you so far? Besides the sweater, of course.
Audience laughs lightly. The curtains in the background begin to part.
Conti: It's a, uh, a new experience, for sure. I'm used to back roads, farms, fourteen year olds driving tractors down gravel paths.
As the curtains open further, a wall of straw is revealed.
Conti: There's an odd hideousness to it, I guess. Like something's biting your arm, trying to get to the bone, but it's so cold you can't feel it. You just let it keep gnawing, gnawing.
Andersen: The pizza's plenty good. Better than any I've had before. Some New Yorkers like to act like it's God's gift to food, but it's nothing to scoff at, that's for sure.
Bauer: I think you might want to apologize to the audience of New Yorkers in the crowd you just insulted tonight.
Audience laughs. Someone yells out "Best in the world!"
Bauer: Well how about you, Maria? You've been awfully quiet.
Lang: It's been nice. I went to see all the sights, eat all the foods. Just experience everything for the first time.
Conti continues to scratch his hangnail. A small droplet of blood is squeezed out and quickly dries, turning the hangnail dark red.
Lang: My parents called me last night to make sure I hadn't been mugged yet. They specifically said "yet".
Audience laughs. The straw begins to rot.
Conti: Mine called me too. Wanted to tell me that my grandmother thought she'd already seen Lupo and was waiting to congratulate me on a job well done.
Audience laughs again.
Andersen: I thought your grandma died?
Conti: Oh, yeah. It was my grandfather. Slipped my mind.
The straw falls away in clumps until it has rotted beyond usability. There are wooden logs lining the wall behind the straw. Conti continues scratching his hangnail.
Bauer: I'm sorry to hear that George.
Conti: It's nothing. That actually reminds me, I went out to go find a restaurant last night, just some midnight cravings, and I saw this dog. It was in an alleyway, alone.
The audience squeals.
Conti: I went up to it to say hi, and it didn't move an inch. I walked right up next to it, and it wasn't breathing. I nudged his body with my toe, but he just flopped over like a half-empty beanbag. He was starving, I think. When he died, I mean. I wanted to bury him somewhere, but there was only concrete or asphalt everywhere I looked, so I dropped him in the dumpster.
A drop of blood from Conti's hangnail runs down his knuckle.
Bauer: Where did you end up eating? If you don't mind me asking, of course.
Conti: The Topside. Didn't eat.
A loud, hollow bump is heard. Its source cannot be identified.
Lang: I love the Topside, I actually went there most nights. What did you get?
Conti: I didn't get anything.
Andersen: I think I stopped by there once. It was a nice little place. Bit too stuffy for my tastes, but the food was good.
Conti: How many dogs starve in New York, do you think?
Another drop of blood is squeezed from Conti's hangnail. The skin around it is red and puffy.
Bauer: The Topside's a great establishment. I actually, I know the guy who owns it.
Conti: Oh really? You should've gotten me a discount.
Audience squeals and clicks their hooves together.
Lang: Me too.
More squealing. A log falls from the wooden wall behind the guests. The same hollow bump from before is heard as it hits the ground.
Andersen: Anyway, what are we here to talk about again?
Bauer: Right, right, of course. Lupo. Almost forgot.
Lang: Same here.
Several more logs fall down. The focus of the camera shifts to Bauer.
Bauer: Alright then, I imagine you two are just dying to tell all these lovely people here tonight about this movie, and I bet they're ready to hear it.
The audience squeals. As the rest die down, one squeal is heard above the others. It continues for twelve seconds before being abruptly cut off.
Bauer: They certainly sound ready.
The camera cuts back to the guests. In Andersen's seat there is now a pig.
Bauer: Now I know you can't give us everything, especially with opening night so close, October 15th for those who don't know, but I am curious what you can give us.
The Andersen pig drops down onto the floor and walks offstage.
Lang: Is it getting a little cold in here?
Bauer: There is a bit of a draft, now that you mention it.
Squealing is heard from the direction the pig went. A thin line of blood runs down Conti's wrist. He has rubbed the back of his hand raw and is beginning to scratch away the skin.
Lang: I guess we could talk about the uh, the cafe scene?
Conti: Yeah probably.
Lang: You don't seem very certain.
The audience squeals. Conti speaks as they quiet down.
Conti: I could gut you right now.
Lang: It's really getting cold in here.
Bauer: Yeah, maybe we can get some, some uh blankets. I'm sure the crew can get them for us.
Conti: Are you sure you're not trying to freeze us to death, Joel?
The audience squeals and oinks. The logs all fall away from the background, revealing a brick wall.
Bauer: Alright, we have to stop getting off track. I think the viewers at home are probably tired of hearing my voice, so why don't you two talk for a little while? You are the leads, after all.
The camera focuses in on Conti and Lang.
Lang: So, my favorite scene in the movie is this little moment in a cafe. The main characters, George and I, are sitting at a table just chatting. Everything's over, and it's just this little "calm after the storm". And George says "I'm so hungry. I'm starving. Please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I need more. Just a little more."
Blood runs down Conti's arm to his elbow. It drips onto the couch and stains the white fabric red.
Lang: It's a lovely scene. I think it really encapsulates everything the film was going for. It's this beautiful look at a person's search for meaning in a world they weren't born into.
Conti: I think it's awful.
Lang: In all honesty, it's been such a pleasure to work with George. He's such a sweet man.
Conti: Why don't you ever respond to me?
Conti has scratched a small hole into his hand near the hangnail. Blood leaks out of it slowly.
Lang: I remember one night when we were finished filming and it was pouring outside. I'd forgotten my umbrella, and he was just, standing there. Waiting for me.
Conti: Why do none of you ever respond to me?
Lang: He walked me out into the rain and asked me how my folks were doing. I hadn't seen them in weeks, but they'd called a few times.
Conti: Are you still feeling cold?
Lang: Oh listen to him, still so concerned over me.
Conti: I'm gonna wring you out.
Lang: Anyway, he walked me all the way out to my car and made my day a little brighter. It was lovely.
The camera cuts back to Bauer's desk. There is now a large pig seated there with its front hooves on the top of the desk. It oinks loudly and, after sniffing the air for a few seconds, begins eating a piece of paper.
A brick falls out of the wall.
Lang: This whole experience has just been amazing. I really couldn't have asked for a better costar than George.
Several lines of blood run down Conti's arm. It has begun pooling on the ground in front of him. There is a large gouge on the back of his hand. The wound is a dark purple color and pus leaks out of it. The hangnail is longer now, and the skin around it is bright red.
Conti: I'm gonna bleed out all over the fucking carpet, Jesus. Does anyone have a towel?
Lang: The wind's louder now.
Conti: Huffing and puffing.
Lang: That's a funny way of putting it.
The Bauer pig falls off its chair and squeals. The audience squeals in reaction.
Lang: Well, do you want to continue the interview?
Conti: Sure.
Grass rapidly grows on the linoleum flooring. A winding gravel path appears and leads up to the back of the stage, presumably going further beyond the wall. More bricks fall out. Conti stands and walks over to Bauer's chair.
Lang: So how's life as a talk show host.
Conti: It's just fucking great.
Lang: That's amazing to hear.
Conti's scratching is now audible. Blood squirts from the gouge.
Conti: Oh god.
Lang: How do you feel about the choices you've made, what they've led you to?
The lighting changes. There are no longer halogen light bulbs. A bright, yellow shine emits from somewhere above.
Conti: I never should have left. I didn't know I could ever be this hungry.
Lang: How does your family feel about it? Your friends?
The brick wall crumbles. The sky is visible beyond Conti and Lang. Fields roll into the distance. On a hill, there are three houses. The camera zooms in on Conti.
Lang: It's a little chilly, isn't it?
Conti grabs the hangnail between thumb and forefinger and pulls. It peels down his arm and reaches his elbow. Gray fur sticks out of the seam.
Conti: I'm so hungry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Lang: How do you—
Lang's voice is suddenly stopped and replaced by the sound of squealing. The camera zooms out as Conti walks around the desk and kneels down beside the Lang pig. He holds its head in his hands.
Conti: Do you, do you hear me?
The Lang pig squeals. The audience squeals. The Bauer pig and the Andersen pig are approaching the houses on the hill. Conti turns to look at the camera as the sun, suddenly appearing from overhead, rapidly sets.
Conti: Can you hear—
END RECORDING
At the end of Event-9030-A, an empty stomach was ejected from the television used to play it. The words "And they all three lived happily ever after" were etched into the stomach lining.
