SCP-9009 - SCP Foundation

SCP-9009

We Made Them Real

⚠️ This article has depictions of racism, antisemitism, homophobia, transphobia, explicit depictions of sexual acts, and general nastiness. Reader discretion advised.

THE FOLLOWING FILES HAVE BEEN CLASSIFIED

TOP SECRET

BY ORDER OF THE YIELD-ADAPTIVE KARYOTYPIC UNICLONAL BREEDING PROGRAM DIRECTORATE.

This document is protected by a JDV-Class Memetic Kill Agent. Proceed at your own risk.

JDV-Class Memetic Kill Agent

Item #: SCP-9009
Object Class: Keter

Oversight Index: Ithaqua

Special Containment Procedures: To prevent internal turmoil and confusion, documentation related to SCP-9009 has been sealed under flag WILDFIRE SEPTEMBER TANGO. The Foundation Intelligence Agency will maintain an index of known SCP-9009 instances. Once confirmed, instances of SCP-9009 are to be logged and tracked.

Current estimates place the population of SCP-9009 in the conservative range of 10 to 200 thousand, with instances deeply and prolifically embedded in almost every government, corporation, and organization on Earth. As a result, containment is not focused on strategic deintegration, but on bureaucratic reinforcement; SCP-9009 instances are to maintain their positions, with Foundation interference only permitted in the event that an instance inadvertently publicizes its anomalous nature.

Ecological management and control of the SCP-9009 is under the purview of a joint committee consisting of professionals from a number of Foundation departments, including the BioEco¹ Department, Sociology Institute, Intelligence Agency, and Public Information Bureau. This committee is under the supervision of Special Projects Overseer, O5-8. See Description for further details.

Representative examples of SCP-9009.

Description: SCP-9009 is a species of ambulatory humanoids also known as Homo albescens, uniformly characterized by social and phenotypical mimicry of Caucasian males of European descent. This is accompanied by a passive perceptual masking effect (likely memetic in nature) that causes others to perceive instances as human, and to overlook or disregard instances' abnormal behaviors and mannerisms. Easily identifiable characteristics include:

Typically resembling a middle-aged or older male.²
Occupations in sedentary, corporate, and/or "white-collar" jobs.
Preference for common bland foods (baked potatoes, green bean casserole, etc.).
Mostly coherent yet atypical speech patterns, often marked by excessive verbosity, incongruous statements and inappropriate word choice.
Unusual (but not entirely inexplicable) behaviors in public situations.

Excerpt from SCP-9009 Assessment Interview

Dr. Matherson: How many of you are out there? Who are you working for?

SCP-9009-0456: Let me start off by congratulating you on having the initiative to ask these hard-hitting questions. Not a lot of people would be willing to ask these questions, just come up and ask 'em straight up, nope, not straight up. Nowadays, they're all too interested in that awful oriental pop and urban rap to ask questions like the questions you just asked me. Brave, brave questions you're asking here. You've got spunk.

Dr. Matherson: Increase the voltage.

The attending guard increases Persuasion Harness setting to level 3.

Dr. Matherson: I'm not going to ask a third time. Who the hell are you working for?

SCP-9009-0456: You're looking for work? If you're here for an interview, you'll have to talk to my secretary, but I'm sure I could put in a good word for you down the line, maybe at McKinsey's. It won't be anything fancy, mind, but a bright boy like you could really make something of himself. Like I said, you've got spunk. Loads of really thick spunk. Mamba mentality.

Dr. Matherson: Hmmm.

Dr. Matherson: Increase the voltage again.

[353 subsequent lines omitted for brevity.]

The Public Information Bureau has compiled a list of common SCP-9009 properties and behaviors, as well as appropriate and easily rationalized explanations for them. Access to the full list is granted at the discretion of PIB representatives on an individual basis.

Behavior	Explanation
Cognitive
Speaking in formal, archaic, or overly clinical language; excessively verbose.	Well-read in classical literature and historical texts.
Lengthy pauses during conversation.	Deep, calculating, or mindful thoughts.
Repetitive and/or unusual phrases and idioms.	Neurodivergent.
Physical
Extended periods without blinking.	Fatigued from stressful workload. Or: practicing improved eye contact.
Refuses to eat, or eats unusual food combinations.	Dieting.
Abnormal sleep schedule.	Working overtime. Or: polyphasic sleep.
Excessive sweat and secretions.	Glandular or hormonal condition.
Unsettling body odor.	Men's cologne.
Hairless, rubbery skin.	Skincare, laser hair removal, and/or yogurt-based diet.
Social
Doesn't understand humor or sarcasm.	Neurodivergent.
Overreactions to seemingly mundane items/events.	PTSD.
Unusual questions (e.g. "What are socks for?")	Desire to start a conversation. Or: research for a novel.
Announcing the action the instance is currently taking.	Practicing mindfulness. Or: Neurodivergent.

SCP-9009 is indigenous to Western Europe; however, over the past five centuries, it has also formed stable breeding populations in North America, Oceania, and many other regions. See Ecology for further information.

Though the existence of SCP-9009 has been known to the Foundation since its inception, due to the species' dramatic population explosion from 1975 to 2023, control of the global SCP-9009 population has been designated an Ekhi-Class priority. As a result, the Caucasian Regulation and Conservation Registry (CRaCR) has been commissioned to manage SCP-9009 and direct them in serving the Foundation's interests.

The following contextual documentation has been assembled by CRaCR.

History

1699 anatomical study of a SCP-9009 instance.

Early Documentation: Records of SCP-9009 have been recovered from numerous archaeological sites across Europe and the Middle East, ranging from the neolithic period to late antiquity. Early Linear B testimonies refer to SCP-9009 originating from the island of Patmos, Greece.

In the 18th century, botanist and zoologist Carl Linnaeus published Systema Naturae, one of the earliest modern biological and cryptobiological classification works. In the fourth edition of the text, Linnaeus described the following five human species:

Homo sapiens — baseline humans.
Homo monstrosus — "monstrous" or abnormal humans, possibly referring to SCP-1000.
Homo troglodytes — likely referencing anomalous humanoid entities.
Homo fata — referring to native entities of the woodland with a thousand names.
Homo cryoformus — SCP-9009.

Initial Foundation Reports: Early documents from the Admin Court³ indicate that knowledge of SCP-9009 was prevalent among the higher echelons of the early Foundation, with the species designated as a potential threat to normalcy. However, due to limited resources and manpower, little was done in the way of pursuing research or containment at the time.

Administrator F████ W██████, 1908 — Treatise on the Glaciopithecus

The Tundranoid species is a fascinating one. Discovered in the periglacial zones of greater Eurasia, these creatures were first mistaken for pale, malformed monkeys, or a colossal breed of Arctic rat. Closer study revealed them to be something stranger altogether: a type of man, lacking any complex thought or awareness, yet exhibiting a singular talent for appearing as though they belong in charge.

Their speech is often a stilted imitation of authority, yet few dare question it. Their gaze is void but unwavering. Their suits grow from their skin, yet are always pressed. And when confronted with disobedience, they emit a kind of guttural groan that commands deference. This effect cannot be explained by pheromones alone. It is something deeper. Perhaps a sort of psychosocial camouflage.

[DATA REDACTED]

Further details are classified to CRaCR personnel with clearance for Operation GYPSUM MAYONNAISE.

Biology

Preserved SCP-9009 brain.

Anatomy and Physiology: Extensive research has been done on SCP-9009 instances' anatomy, as their bodies are typically well-preserved upon death. Although outwardly humanoid, the internal physiology of SCP-9009 differs wildly from the mammalian baseline. Instances display nonstandard circulatory, nervous, and lymphatic systems. Deviations are often insectoid in morphology, with the notable presence of a hard-shelled exoskeleton mimicking the appearance of various styles of formal wear, double-lidded compound pupils,⁴ and a circulatory and nervous system closely resembling that of the Lasius niger, or common garden ant.

The neuroanatomy of SCP-9009 instances is currently poorly understood. The brain lacks any cerebral folds, possibly due to the low surface area and smooth texture of the frontal and temporal lobes. Natural lesions are typically found covering the brain which periodically leech an unknown blue liquid, currently theorized to act as a retardant against neural plasticity.

Ecology: SCP-9009's current ecological niche is that of a symbiotic or commensal partner to Homo sapiens.⁵ When in its adult form, an SCP-9009 instance will covertly enter an organization controlled by humans; if it succeeds, it will assume a leadership position, relying on its charisma to maintain its status. In circles where SCP-9009 are able to successfully integrate, they have been known to accrue vast quantities of wealth, which, according to leading theories, "percolates" down to H. sapiens, enriching them in the long run. In return, the humans working under a particular instance provide it with food, shelter, income, and valuable psychospheric input data for its elaborate mating displays.

To avoid detection by H. sapiens and prevent input data pollution, the vast majority of SCP-9009 instances occupy positions that minimize close contact with other humans or SCP-9009 instances, which is facilitated by their characteristic wealth. However, in contrast to their otherwise solitary nature, four times per year, a gathering of multiple SCP-9009 instances will congregate in a particular location, often alongside baseline H. sapiens. Observed gatherings have ranged in size from three to 535 individuals, and usually take the form of a formal meeting, such as a corporate boardroom meeting, a legal trial, a church sermon, or a legislative session. SCP-9009 instances will participate as normal, attempting to mask their idiosyncratic behaviors, stalling the meeting until all H. sapiens leave.

Once this occurs, the SCP-9009 instances will have sex.

SCP-9009 mating rituals were once believed to last a short amount of time, as individuals in SCP-9009 gatherings were observed to finish mating with their chosen partner(s) within fifteen minutes of all H. sapiens leaving. However, while actual insemination of SCP-9009 instances occurs very quickly, the SCP-9009 mating ritual spans hours or potentially days.

Current leading theories posit that quarterly SCP-9009 congregations are a form of lekking⁶ to facilitate sexual selection. SCP-9009 instances are highly selective in their mates, and prefer to mate with individuals who are particularly skilled in human mimicry. This is why instances congregate in uncharacteristically public meetings, as this gives them an opportunity to prove to others that they can convincingly present as a human, indicating that the individual has high reproductive fitness.

Two SCP-9009 instances engaging in the mating ritual.

Life Cycle: Leading Foundation sexologists hypothesize that SCP-9009 instances are hermaphroditic. No evidence of gonchoric sexual dimorphism has been observed in captive instances. Thorough observation of the SCP-9009 mating process evidences that SCP-9009 mating pairs engage in a form of penis-fencing almost identical to the behavior of Pseudobiceros hancockanus, usually misidentified by civilian observers as frotting, or other alternative forms of sexual contact. Insemination subsequently occurs through traumatic insertion into the epidermis. It is notable that inseminated instances of SCP-9009 will continue to attempt penis-fencing until the conclusion of the mating event, ergo, mating events are likely to result in high degree of genetic exchange and fertility regardless of an instance's sexual fitness.

SCP-9009 instances will seek out suitable nesting locations within two weeks of insemination.⁷ Once a nesting location has been chosen, instances will secrete a █████████ substance ██████ ███ ██ ███ ██ ████ █ ████ ███ █████ ██.

[SUBSEQUENT DATA REDACTED BY ORDER OF CRaCR COMMAND. ACCESS TERMINAL IS LOCATED BELOW.]

The resultant cocoon ████ ███ ███ █████ ███ ██████ █ █████ ████ ████ ██. Newly hatched specimens are physiologically and neurologically identical to mature SCP-9009, though with visible discoloration of the exoskeleton. The exoskeletal biochrome matures and darkens 2-4 weeks after eclosion.

SCP-9009 displays a variety of exoskeleton coloration.

Afterword: Given SCP-9009's demonstrably lower intelligence relative to humans (including lack of self-awareness and primary reasoning skills), advanced mimicry capabilities, and rapid reproduction rates, it has been determined by CRaCR that SCP-9009 presents a suitable candidate for Operation GYPSUM MAYONNAISE. Details on the operation are classified to cleared personnel under the purview of CRaCR.

THE FOLLOWING FILES REQUIRE 9009/GYPSUM MAYONNAISE CLEARANCE.

Credentials accepted.
Welcome, CRaCR personnel.

Project Overview: Operation GYPSUM MAYONNAISE was conceived as a program to transition the global political environment to a guided democracy⁸ facilitated by the Foundation and the SCP-9009 species. Selected SCP-9009 instances are to be embedded in inutile leadership positions across major private, public, and governmental organizations, under the guidance and direction of CRaCR. This operation presents a low-risk, high-benefit opportunity to curb the unpredictability and disorder that plagues human society, treating it with reinforced normalcy institutions.

Background

Dr. Lachlan Cairns as President George W. Bush.

The 2000 United States presidential election was a turning point for the Foundation's involvement in national politics. In order to prevent containment breach of SCP-4444⁹, a number of political disinformation campaigns and media manipulation efforts were implemented to ensure Dr. Lachlan Cairns (inhabiting the comatose body of George W. Bush) would win the electoral race.¹⁰ The result of this was a victory for Dr. Cairns as Bush, and a cessation of activity by SCP-4444.

As it was expected that the late Bush's body would decompose within one or two months, a δ-thaumaturgic ritual was enacted to ensure that Dr. Cairns could continue to carry out the functions of President. For the next four years, the position of US president was held by a Foundation official. This allowed for the strengthening of ties between the US government and the Foundation, and the procurement of extensive funds and previously unattainable political capital.

In 2001, the September 11 attacks by agents of Al-Qaeda¹¹ and the subsequent Manhattan Dimensional Collapse sparked nationwide panic about security and homeland defense. Following the crisis, Dr. Cairns (still animating the body of President Bush) leveraged the crisis to authorize sweeping changes under executive privilege. With backing from the Bush administration, the Foundation influenced a number of key legislative efforts, including numerous provisions of the USA PATRIOT Act — passed to strengthen domestic security and bolster Foundation surveillance efforts.

The Manhattan Collapse, viewed through ϑ-ray satellite lenses.

In December, General George Bowe of the US Paranatural Warfare Command¹² approached the Foundation's Department of Applied Force to draft a bipartite initiative for the advancement of American paranatural security interests. Upon Bowe's arrival at Site-17, it was discovered that he, along with 38% of his personal staff, were unrecorded instances of SCP-9009. In-line with extant containment procedures, Bowe was released back into the wild, though not before approving several favorable procurement contracts that allowed Foundation front companies access to billions of dollars of American defense spending.¹³

In light of the overwhelming success of Operation TICONDEROGA BLUESTATE and subsequent initiatives, O5 Command convened on 2002-██-██ to debate the possibility of using anomalies for political ventures beyond standard containment. SCP-9009 in particular was identified as a potential item of interest as a medium of political engineering.

BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL.

EVIDENT: That the anomalous, in its countless and ineffable manifestations, both ontological and epistemological, continues to permeate the sinews of global governance; that its ungoverned presence challenges the very balance upon which civilization itself rests; and that, conversely, while such forces have been relegated to the shadowed precincts of containment and observation, they now present an unparalleled vector for the recalibration of geopolitical paradigms.

Interpretation Committee translation: Anomalies have been around forever and mess with society, but they're now a tool we can use.

DECIDED: That the Foundation, premier custodian of the unknown and unknowable, shall, with all necessary caution, assume a more elevated posture; embracing a proactive praxis towards anomaly integration, in order to facilitate sociopolitical dynamics through clandestine action.

Interpretation Committee translation: The Foundation will go from looking at anomalies to using them to influence politics.

RESOLVED: That henceforth, anomalies — be they constructs of human creation, entities which possess paranatural properties, or phenomena beyond the laws of physics — will be assimilated into a stratified framework of influence operations; and that this influence will be leveraged in the pursuit of diplomatic sway, economic anchorage, and nuanced action; all this will be done in the interest yet precluding the supervision of the hoi polloi.

Interpretation Committee translation: The Council will use some anomalies going forward to secretly further the Foundation's goals.

THEREFORE: The Council authorizes the establishment of protocols, clandestine in both form and execution, to interpose anomalous assets within the stage of global power as instruments of coercion, persuasion, deterrence, or inducement; enabling an interlacing between the anomalous and the mundane; whereby such interventions shall remain forever impervious to the perception of those under our establishment.

Interpretation Committee translation: The Council knows best.

As a result of this decision, CRaCR's flagship program — Operation GYPSUM MAYONNAISE — was authorized.

Project Documentation

Treatise on the Glaciopithecus, 1908

Among the most unique attributes of Solarus reflectus maximus is their ability to generate consensus from sheer inertia. Ask one a question and you receive three memoranda, none of which answer the inquiry but all of which are stamped and initialed by ten others. Attempts to correct or remove them tend to disappear into committee. They are a stone wall against change; the sublime incarnation of systemic strength.

Herein lies the true power of the Palliderms. I have often mused of what could happen if their influence extended beyond our humble walls. What if the apes were not merely tools of continuity, but arbiters of stability? Already, we have discovered them to infiltrate diplomatic missions, financial oversight committees, even upper political echelons. In one instance, an ape was mistakenly appointed Captain Regent of the petty republic of San Marino: all after silently attending a luncheon. No one questioned it; the populace simply assumed he had always been in office.

This, I believe, is the beginning of something greater. This world has, for years, been plagued by disorder, hamstrung by contradiction. But what if, instead, the world moved forward under the stewardship of those no one resists or questions? Perhaps, with the right direction, they could be more than seat-warmers.

[DATA REDACTED]

During the early years of the Bush administration, Operation GYPSUM MAYONNAISE entered its first functional maturity phase. With the post-9/11 geopolitical scheme increasingly predicated on deference to perceived authority, CRaCR analysts identified an unprecedented window for real-time testing. Early investigations revealed thousands of SCP-9009 instances already embedded in corporations, organizations, and federal departments across the United States, creating a ripe opportunity for research.

Operation PHANTOM LIMB was initiated in the summer of 2003, engineered as a joint Foundation-American military campaign in Iraq, aimed at dismantling remnants of Ba'athist rule and Iraqi military cells of the Chaos Insurgency. However, the operation's ultimate goal was to field-test SCP-9009 integration within the United States military hierarchy, including the Department of Defense, influential neoconservative think tanks such as PNAC, and private defense contractors including KBR and Blackwater. SCP-9009 instances displayed excellent bureaucratic sturdiness, with operational tempo slowing to the point of total organizational gridlock by 2004.

Excerpt from Foundation Intelligence Agency GoI Threat Briefing, 2003

Emblem of the Chaos Insurgency.

It is evident that no Group of Interest currently poses a greater threat to the interests of the Foundation and normalcy at large than the radical anomalous terrorist organization calling itself the Chaos Insurgency. Diametrically opposed to the existence of the Veil, captured personnel invariably express irrational and persistent hatred for our Foundation and the way of life we defend. Attached is a brief summary of major suspected Chaos Insurgency operations of the late 20th and 21st century, with substantive HUMINT and SIGINT evidence gathered in corroboration.

1,235 confirmed raids on Foundation Sites internationally since 1973.
56 recorded public executions of Foundation intelligence personnel.
The murder of Diana, Princess of Wales using a multidimensional spectral automorphic apparition¹⁴ on August 31, 1997.
The ritual sacrifice and consumption of 213,335 golden retriever puppies.
The collision of American Airlines Flight 11 and United Airlines Flight 175 with 1 WTC and 2 WTC on September 11, 2001.

It is the opinion of the Foundation Intelligence Agency that the Chaos Insurgency stands antithetical to the principles of democracy, liberalism, and freedom that the Foundation defends and continues to defend worldwide. Foundation operations into CI-controlled territory are projected to meet with high levels of civilian cooperation and support.

Following President Bush's re-election, Dr. Cairns had accumulated a significant quantity of physical and psychological stress due to prolonged occupation and repeated application of the ritual. CRaCR evaluated options for retaining executive control, while allowing Dr. Cairns to discreetly return to his prior role at the Foundation as Site-19 Personnel Director. Despite initial consideration, it was determined that SCP-9009 was not ready for deployment to the presidential position, and that a human body double was necessary to carry out the functions of President for the 2005-2008 term. Upon George W. Bush's body being exited by Dr. Cairns, it immediately disintegrated into a pile of thaumoactive ash.¹⁵ For the next four years, Agent Rance Fubbard held the position of President, due to his uncanny resemblance to George W. Bush.

Facing a lack of qualified alternatives, Operation GYPSUM MAYONNAISE turned towards the SCP-9009 project as a sustainable means of ensuring the SCP Foundation's continued control over the position of the President of the United States.

Interface Site-75, location of CRaCR headquarters.

CRaCR Command Meeting Transcript, 2009

In Attendance:

Mr. Chairman C. Yarvin; Vice President, Public Information Bureau [PIB].
Mr. C. Korringer; Deputy Director of Operations, Foundation Intelligence Agency [FIA].
Mr. T. Jirkwood, JD; Managing Partner, Legal Department [LD].
Dr. N. Taylor; Head of Research, BioEco Department [BIO].
Dr. J. Peterson; Lead Psychologist, Sociology Institute [SI].

[BEGIN LOG]

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Alright, as Chairman of the Caucasian Regulation and Conservation Registry, I call this meeting of CRaCR Command to order at 1930 hours EST.

[Sounds of shuffling paper.]

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: I'm sure we've all read the briefings, so I'll cut straight to— yes, Dr. Peterson? You have your hand raised?

[SI] Dr. Peterson: Aren't we going to say grace first?

[LD] Mr. Jirkwood: I didn't know you were Christian.

[SI] Dr. Peterson: I'm not. Just because I think Christian cultural values are the best path forward for western society doesn't actually mean I necessarily have to believe in God, much less—

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: [clears throat] I think it'd be best if we moved on.

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: All of us here have already worked extensively with the SCP-9009 project. We're all familiar with these creatures, their mannerisms, predilections, behavior, and life cycle. All that remains for us is to take the natural next step. Gentlemen, by this time next year, the President of the United States of America will be an Alabaster Ape.

[LD] Mr. Jirkwood: I've, ah, actually been meaning to bring up some, ah, some professional concerns with this project—

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: To be blunt, this entire operation is a stupidly massive security risk. Puppeteering Bush was bad enough, but, God, do you have any idea the level of operational complexity we're considering here? Thousands of personnel operating in Washington D.C., in contact with the press day and night— there's simply no way to guarantee operational secrecy—

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Sorry to interrupt, but I think you'll find that we have your concerns well in hand. If you'd direct your attention to page 77 of the dossier?

have you seen the deep state docs

>deep state docs gets released
>mfw massive global conspiracy of politicians and rich people in charge of everything
>mfw democracy is a lie
>mfw all mainstream politicians are alien puppets
>"Object Class: Keter"

nice try feds.

there is no "SCP Foundation."

it all comes back to (((them))). every. single. time.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: What the hell is this?

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Last year, the Public Information Bureau ran a simulated information breach with heavily modified versions of GYPSUM MAYONNAISE documentation. We ran the gamut at every level of exposure, the media, foreign intelligence services, hell, even the internet. You're looking at the results.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: Good god. If the O5s find out, you could be shot for this, Yarvin.

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Who do you think approved the exercise in the first place?

[LD] Mr. Jirkwood: What does— what do the three parentheses mean?

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: Maybe some kind of, some kind of technical documentation? Cryptography, maybe a key—

[SI] Dr. Peterson: Amateurs. It means they think the Jews did it.

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Peterson is correct. Most of our targets dismissed the leaks out of hand. The intelligence agencies thought it was foreign counterintelligence. Journalists laughed our operatives out of the room. The few that followed through? Cranks, conspiracy theorists, nutjobs, they went off chasing shadows, leaping at every disinformation scheme we threw their way. In the end? Nobody sniffed us out.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: Let's speak plainly here, Yarvin.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: You're proposing the usage of anti-semitic conspiracy theories, baseless, racist garbage, as a disinformation measure for Operation GYPSUM MAYONNAISE. You're planning to empower these messages, hell, even spread them yourself—

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this, I mean, ethically speaking—

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Why not? It's been standard Foundation practice since the thirties!

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: Excuse me?

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Look. You all knew what GYPSUM MAYONNAISE entailed before you walked in through that door. All of you chose to be here. If any of you are too chickenshit to follow through and do what has to be done for the greater good of the Foundation, feel free to leave. Door's open.

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Don't fucking look at me like that, Korringer. You and I both know you've done worse for the cause.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: Fuck you.

[Silence on recording.]

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Looks like we're all still on the same page.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: Well. Your disgusting little disinfo campiagn aside, there's another big problem I think you're missing with regards to this dumpster fire of a plan.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: If you haven't already noticed, Yarvin, McCain isn't exactly leading in the polls right now.

[LD] Mr. Jirkwood: Uhm, yes. That. How are SCP-9009 instances meant to replace people of color?

[SI] Dr. Peterson: More liberal bullshit. Just call them—

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Not the time, Peterson. But yes, I understand your concern. Recent pushes for diversity in government, coupled with certain long-running demographic trends, have, unfortunately, resulted in more and more non-caucasians taking positions of leadership in government and industry. This, of course, runs contrary to the interests of the Foundation on several levels — which is why Dr. Peterson is here with us today.

[SI] Dr. Peterson: The Sociology Institute is already in the process of drafting several long-term initiatives to secure, contain, and ultimately neutralize the liberal agenda. We must secure the existence—

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Ahem, yes, thank you. We all look forwards to seeing the results of your work.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: That still doesn't solve our immediate problem. How are we going to use SCP-9009 to replace him? These things are good at what they do, I've seen the studies, but they're not shapeshifters. If America wakes up tomorrow and Obama is suddenly the color of skim milk people are going to notice, memetic camo or not.

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: I was hoping our friends from BioEco might be able to help us with that. Taylor?

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: I'm going to be blunt. Plastic surgery isn't going to work. I don't know what you were expecting. You realize these things have exoskeletons, right?

[PIB] Mr. Jirkwood: Perhaps some kind of… body paint?

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: Jesus Christ. No. These things molt. It's not a big exposure risk, cause they usually do it out of sight and eat the leftovers, but that means we'd basically have to reapply the spray every single month.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: That'd be a goddamned fiasco to spin. A president getting a spray-tan in office? Total media circus.

[SI] Dr. Peterson: I agree. Too risky, from an exposure perspective.

[Sounds of shuffling paper.]

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Hold on. I'm re-reading the bio report right now, paragraph four under life cycle. These things are born with brown exoskeletons.

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: Your point?

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: My point, is that SCP-9009 is clearly capable of producing melanin. Couldn't we, I don't know, find a way to make a strain of these things that just… have a little more melanin than usual?

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: Good god.

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: That isn't a no.

[Sounds of shuffling paper.]

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: It's — it's technically possible. Technically. They breed fast enough that artificial selection would probably see workable results within a couple hundred generations. So — four to five years, under optimal conditions. But you'd need, good god, you'd need tens of thousands of instances. An underground lab the size of West Virginia. Millions of dollars worth of mayonnaise. The infrastructure alone—

[Overlapping voices.]

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: Absolutely ridiculous, the most ludicrous proposal I've seen since—

[PIB] Mr. Jirkwood: You can't actually be thinking—

[SI] Dr. Peterson: Impossible, simply impossible—

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Impossible? Impossible is a word used by lesser men. We are the SCP Foundation.

[Silence on recording.]

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Gentlemen, the path is clear. We are going to breed SCP-9009. Thousands of them, hundreds of thousands. Mountains of Mayo Monkeys. Forests of Frost Giants. Seas of Suitwalkers. We are going to breed as many White People as we possibly can.

[END LOG]

THE FOLLOWING FILES REQUIRE 9009/YAKUB CLEARANCE.

Credentials accepted.
Welcome, authorized YAKUB agent.

VANILLOS

Vanogenics in Life-Logic Operations

TRAINING CENTER
The Training Center is the second-largest facility in VANILLOS, and serves the purpose of acclimating SCP-9009 instances to leadership in human society before they are assigned to specific roles in the Refinement Center. The vast majority of the tasks given to instances in the Training Center are under the supervision of the Foundation's Coconut.aic, drastically decreasing the need for human technicians, which would require both large salaries and extensive security clearance.

Tasks given to SCP-9009 instances test the human skills developed in the Spatio-Navigational Center. These include, but are not limited to:

Mock meetings given to instances; typically as either recorded videos to mimic video conferences, or as virtual-reality or hologram projections of humans. Meetings are largely designed to test instances' patience, and are engineered to last for several hours without pause.
Tactful Messaging Tests, in which instances are trained to send emails based on textual prompts.
The Final Test, in which an SCP-9009 instance is to, by its own accord, claim and convincingly prove to Coconut.aic that it is the leader (CEO, President, etc.) of the simulated workplace in which it has been placed. Upon completing this test, the SCP-9009 instance is automatically promoted to the Refinement Center.

Ultimately, approximately 10% of instances are able to reach and complete the Final Test to the satisfaction of Coconut.aic, and are subsequently sent to the Refinement Center. The remainder are dispatched to the Remediation Facility.

SPATIO-NAVIGATIONAL CENTER
The Spatio-Navigational Center is the largest facility in VANILLOS, and is the initial testing area for newly-created SCP-9009 instances, intended to acclimatize them to human-made environments. All areas of the Spatio-Navigational Center are constantly monitored by HR.aic for SCP-9009 instances possessing confident posture, charismatic facial expressions, palatable facial structure, and high skin albedo. Instances matching these characteristics are automatically promoted to the Training Center.

To accommodate the large number of SCP-9009 instances within it, the Spatio-Navigational Center has been artificially inflated in size via introduction to SCP-184. Three-dimensional maps of the complex suggest that its internal volume is ten times larger than what one would expect from measuring its exterior. This has the pragmatic side effect of augmenting the facility's geometry to resemble a colossal, three-dimensional labyrinth composed of offices, cubicle spaces, break rooms, lounge areas, and other corporate environments.

Feeding is accomplished with Nordomorph Nutrient Paste, a proprietary, protein-rich blend of macro- and micronutrients optimized for SCP-9009 health. This substance is deposited in troughs at unpredictable times throughout the day and is accompanied with email notification noises to condition instances to associate the sound of an email notification with food.

During the time spent in the Spatio-Navigation Facility, instances also learn human skills, including bipedal locomotion; interacting with doors, cabinets, and elevators; tool use and fine motor skills; and eating solid food. More importantly than flawless execution of these skills is the outward appearance of competency while performing — an instance that confidently exhibits incorrect demonstration is more favorably assessed by HR.aic than one that diffidently displays the same behavior correctly.

In the end, approximately 5% of SCP-9009 instances are of sufficient quality to be promoted to the Training Center. The remaining 95% are sent to the Remediation Facility.

CULTIVATION FACILITY
SCP-9009 instances are incubated in modified Blank-Zartion Hominid Replicators (BZHRs) salvaged from SCP-2000, enabling the facility to produce several thousand viable instances per day.¹⁶ Each BZHR is capable of assembling a fully-grown SCP-9009 instance in six hours.

However, due to the inability of BZHRs to replicate SCP-9009 biology from scratch, they first require a premature SCP-9009 egg to "jump-start" the process with viable DNA. As such, SCP-9009 eggs must be procured using augmented SCP-9009 natural breeding procedures. To facilitate this, several particularly successful SCP-9009 instances have been designated as breeding stock. These instances' hormones have been altered to enable them to produce large quantities of premature eggs. To maintain genetic diversity, new instances are regularly captured and introduced to inseminate VANILLOS breeding stock.

Currently, the SCP-9009 instance with the highest fecundity is SCP-9009.ROCKET-SURGEON 'Elon Musk'. At any given moment, SCP-9009.ROCKET-SURGEON contains between 500 and 1000 eggs in various stages of development. While its head, legs, and exoskeleton have remained the same size as they were prior to its tenure as VANILLOS breeding stock, SCP-9009.ROCKET-SURGEON's egg load has stretched out its body cavity to nearly twenty meters in length and four meters in diameter. As such, it is to be continuously washed with moisturizing cream by VANILLOS employees to keep its skin pliable, so it does not rip or tear. Personnel are encouraged to converse with the entity about technology, economics, and politics whilst doing this, as this is known to relax its cloacal sphincter, increasing the rate of egg deposition.

REMEDIATION FACILITY
Due to the fact that the vast majority (~99.91%) of created SCP-9009 instances are not of sufficient quality for use as public figures or breeding stock, they must somehow be safely and efficiently removed, a job performed by the on-site Remediation Facility. Due to information security concerns, instances are not to be released outside of YAKUB; due to space and sanitary concerns, they cannot be hosted within VANILLOS for an extended period of time.

As such, all surplus instances are to be fed into the facility's 1000-ton industrial macerator.

Once an SCP-9009 instance passes through the macerator, the resulting slurry is then fed into a pressurized pipe, which then pumps it to an automated processing facility. From here, the raw SCP-9009 slurry is pasteurized, filtered, and fortified with nutrients to form Nordomorph Nutrient Paste, that other instances consume.

THERMO-IONIC CORE

The entire VANILLOS Engine is powered by the Thermo-Ionic Core located at the base of the facility. This state-of-the-art quantum generator harnesses energy from SCP-037¹⁷ in an efficient and controlled manner. The primary suspension globule is enclosed in eighteen concentric, rotating rings that stabilize SCP-037's intense radiation output.

While safety concerns have been raised about using such a potent energy source, VANILLOS engineers have confirmed that not only is the Thermo-Ionic Core completely renewable, but has a far lower casualty rate than mundane sources of power; the only deaths so far have been from handling mishaps. With the enormous power output of the Thermo-Ionic Core, constant power can be supplied to the energy-intensive facilities of the VANILLOS engine, including the numerous BZHR units, hundreds of kilometers of cutting-edge plumbing, and the 1 kiloton macerator.

SCP-9009.OREO-UCAV

On 2014-03-12, following 816 days and 1,255 successive generations of continuous selective breeding, the VANILLOS Engine produced seven operational instances of SCP-9009.OREO-UCAV. The instances' reliable public mannerisms, relatively predictable speech patterns, and high melanin content expanded the technical capabilities of the YAKUB Directorate, and accelerated the timetable of Operation GYPSUM MAYONNAISE.

On 2014-08-28 at 13:00, YAKUB personnel embedded within the United States Secret Service temporarily neutralized sitting President Barack Obama, deploying SCP-9009.OREO-UCAV to take his place in a meeting with John F. Tefft¹⁸, then US ambassador to the Russian Federation. Due to scheduling constraints, at this time .OREO-UCAV's exoskeleton had not yet hardened to the standard dark blue or black hue of a mature SCP-9009 instance, resulting in minor media controversy. However, Foundation analysts concluded that .OREO-UCAV's overall behavior fell well within GYPSUM MAYONNAISE margins.

Still frame from the field test of SCP-9009.OREO-UCAV.

Following this trial run, SCP-9009.OREO-UCAV permanently took the place of President Barack Obama, with the latter amnesticized and later reintegrated into society with a Foundation approved cover identity as a used car salesman in Bakersfield, California.¹⁹ By Q1 of 2015, it was evident that Operation GYPSUM MAYONNAISE had been a historic success; YAKUB subsequently was alloted an additional 4.5 billion USD in annual funding.

Recent SCP-9009 breeding efforts have demonstrated that instances require more varied diets than initially thought; to ensure proper carapace formation, 1.00 mg/kg of polyethylene microplastic powder has been added to the instances' daily regimen of Nordomorph Nutrient Paste.

SCP-9009 instances have begun engaging in cannibalistic behavior, believed to be a result of mistaking other instances for Nordomorph Nutrient Paste v1.1, due to its pale beige color and smooth texture. To remedy this, additional polyethylene roughage and carbon black food dye was added to all future shipments of Nordomorph Nutrient Paste v2.0 to give it a dark brown appearance and a rougher texture.

Update: Nordomorph Nutrient Paste v2.0 has been discontinued, as SCP-9009 instances have begun to engage in coprophagia.

During the remainder of its tenure, SCP-9009.OREO-UCAV was primarily used to advance the foreign policy agenda of the Foundation, utilizing the US military and intelligence apparatus to combat the ever-growing threat of the Chaos Insurgency. Sustained aerial campaigns and strategic deployment of counter-terrorist forces enabled the Foundation to destroy Insurgency forces in Yemen, Syria, and Libya, with pro-Insurgency dictators toppled to cripple the terrorist group's paramilitary network. By 2016, the Insurgency's operational capacity in the Middle East reduced by 47%.

The remaining six instances of SCP-9009.OREO-UCAV were recycled back into the VANILLOS Engine, allowing the creation of SCP-9009 instances of variable coloration and racial phenotypes.²⁰ By July of 2016, the YAKUB Directorate achieved nearly 80% saturation rates of SCP-9009 instances in all relevant C-suite, civil administration, and military industrial positions within the United States, Canada, and Western Europe.²¹

Despite having a net worth of over $36 billion and having held three CEO positions, entrepreneur Dr. █████ █████ was found to have no government ID, no passport, no birth certificate, no doctoral diploma, and no GED. Despite Foundation interference, the longstanding belief that Dr. █████'s talent, education, and diligence led to his wealth is now being called into question by the public, due to the implications of this discovery on his immigration status.

In the final quarter of SCP-9009.OREO-UCAV's presidential term, YAKUB Chairman Curtis Yarvin requested that YAKUB take advantage of the flexibility afforded by an entirely new presidential candidate and design one precision-engineered exclusively to further Foundation interests. To ensure that such a candidate would succeed in the election against an opponent with less favorable views but greater popularity, Mr. Yarvin drafted a joint plan with the Memetics Department, Public Information Bureau, and Intelligence Agency to systematically alter the result of the 2016 US presidential election. This plan was ratified by the heads and directorate boards of all three departments, and by the YAKUB Directorate, with steps preemptively taken to initiate it.

However, in a 12-1 vote, the O5 Council decided against any and all tampering with 2016 US presidential electoral votes. This decision was made to preserve the sanctity of the American democratic institution such that it may survive even if the Foundation is to collapse. Despite Mr. Yarvin's insistence, O5 Command vetoed the project proposal.

Nonetheless, YAKUB was still encouraged to introduce a candidate into the 2016 presidential election, provided that they did so through legal and ethical means. As such, the YAKUB Directorate engineered the following candidate, fine-tuned to reflect the desires of the American people:

SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT

The new SCP-9009 model .HAPPY-ACCIDENT features several cutting-edge enhancements over prior models:

Early prototype model of SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT

Iron-infused Carapace
Provides a unique, marketable orange hue that is nonetheless still recognizably Caucasian, whilst also granting the instance resistance to ranged fire.

Reality TV Subspecies Genome Splicing
Enhances the controversy-manufacturing phenotype, assisting the instance in creating smokescreens for covert Foundation activity.

An Attitude for the People
Recent polls suggest that most Americans are dissatisfied with their current standard of living, and desire for something to change. As such, this model has been trained to observe the actions of politicians, and, in response, do the diametric opposite.

Kinesthetic Excellence
Advanced physics modeling and extensive human trials were undertaken to identify the optimal handshake pattern that maximizes intimidation whilst keeping the likelihood of aggravated assault charges within an acceptable margin.

Biodiverse Scalp
While initially designed to be bald, clinical trials revealed that SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT had a uniquely ecologically rich microhabitat on its epicranium; most notably including the presence of an extraterrestrial macroorganism that superficially resembles hair.

While Foundation analysts do not expect SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT to win the 2016 US presidential election in light of its short development timeframe, they have nonetheless released it into the Republican primary as a proof of concept for future models.

December 2016 Update: SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT has won the 2016 US presidential election.

Foundation materials scientists extract SCP-9009 stomachs for use in flexible, corrosion-resistant vessels.

Attempted assassination of SCP-9009-3826, Mayor of Fort Worth, TX, via automatic firearm occurs during public speech; mayor continues speaking despite his body containing upwards of fifty bullet holes, until he eventually expires one hour later. Incident widely derided online as an overzealous publicity stunt.

2018 Update: Following a large number of helpful learning experiences gained in the process of caring for SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT, handling employees assigned to the instance have developed the following instructional pamphlet.

Wilson's Wildlife Solutions

Greetings, Trump Handler! We've had to oversee a number of, let's just say, unique cases over here at Wilson's Wildlife Solutions, ever since the Foundation facilitated a peaceful and voluntary transfer of leadership! And perhaps none is more unique than SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT, though you can call him 'Donny' or 'Trumpie' when the YAKUB Directorate isn't around (they really keep us on our toes!).

Now, without further ado, here are a few things you should know when watching .HAPPY-ACCIDENT on-the-clock!

SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT, seconds before his pants have an unhappy accident.

SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT, like all Yogurt Apes, has a complex set of unique and subtle facial expressions he uses to indicate how he feels! In the event that he makes a face like the one you see here, you must act quick! First of all, discreetly approach him under guise of informing him of an urgent national security concern. This way, you can whisk him away with minimal interruption from his many fans. Lead him toward a secluded area (e.g. behind a curtain, under a stairwell, or inside a vehicle) and allow him to do his business. Be warned, the smell is quite strong!

SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT, curious about the taste of Laura Ingraham's earwax.

.HAPPY-ACCIDENT is strongly food-motivated, and can be feisty when he wants something to eat! While this can be an issue, it's also something you can use in a pinch to keep him away from harm. In one case, we were able to lure him away from an inopportune mating event with a 1.1-kilometer-long trail of bacon grease! Note that, unlike most other Creamchimps, .HAPPY-ACCIDENT is very particular in what he likes to eat: he will only consume his weekly Nordomorph Nutrient Paste supplements if it is flavored with at least two puréed McDonalds™ Filet-O'-Fish™ Sandwiches per liter of paste.

SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT, during routine socialization with the Bill Clinton animatronic.

While we at Wilson's Wildlife Solutions, in an ideal world, would want all critters to have their own unique personalities, we have to admit that, occasionally, .HAPPY-ACCIDENT forgets to do his job! Thankfully, we have an in-house solution exactly for situations like these: a simulated training ground where Donny can interact with politicians freely, without the potential negative side effects of chewing on their limbs! Remember to reward good behavior — if he treats them with respect (but not too much respect!), give him his favorite food!²²

Overall, despite the many hurdles in keeping its behavior to presidential standards,²³ SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT has been highly successful in furthering Foundation interests:

Increased US isolationism has considerably reduced tampering from the United Nations Global Occult Coalition, increasing Foundation influence over the US.
Multiple unpalatable yet necessary foreign actions by the Foundation were successfully carried out with minimal scrutiny, as both sides of the political aisle were successfully distracted — "conservative"-identifying population blocs were drawn to the scapegoats created by .HAPPY-ACCIDENT, while "liberal"-identifying blocs were drawn to .HAPPY-ACCIDENT's latest outbursts.
Most crucially, immigrations restrictions have drastically improved the Foundation's ability to monitor checkpoints for clandestine Chaos Insurgency assets.

Microsoft CEO SCP-9009-62988 discovered removing CPU chips from datacenter in San Jose; when interviewed, subject claimed to be "diversifying into the snack foods sector."

While .HAPPY-ACCIDENT's first term has, thus far, been highly successful, several YAKUB Directorate members have noted concerns with .HAPPY-ACCIDENT's memetic effects on the American populace, such as an increase in bigotry, a reduction in trade, a lukewarm response to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, and, perhaps most concerning of all, a growing distrust of American democracy. However, Mr. Yarvin maintains that these losses are not only minor in comparison to the gains precipitated by .HAPPY-ACCIDENT, but have several understated benefits of their own.

With the 2020 presidential election approaching in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, CRaCR Command's executive cabinet suffered an unprecedented schism with regards to continued operation of .HAPPY-ACCIDENT. The pro-.HAPPY-ACCIDENT faction, headed by Chairman C. Yarvin, pointed to the manifold benefits the Foundation had accrued during the administration of .HAPPY-ACCIDENT, advocating for a Foundation-sponsored second term, whereas the anti-.HAPPY-ACCIDENT faction, headed by Dr. N. Taylor, dissented, citing the mismanagement of COVID pandemic response and general uptick in social unrest as growing threats to the primary missions of the Foundation.

The decision was ultimately deferred upward to O5 Command, who issued the following statement:

In light of recent considerations, it would be prudent to recalibrate this approach toward one that is both more measurable and grounded in practical realities. Moving forward, you are to apply a more strategic lens to this process.

Interpretation Committee translation: Consider appointing a candidate that isn't totally incompetent this time.

SCP-9009.WET-CARDBOARD

SCP-9009.WET-CARDBOARD "Joseph R. Biden," former deputy of .OREO-UCAV, was chosen as YAKUB's premier presidential nominee, as a more moderate alternative to the incautious aggression of the .HAPPY-ACCIDENT presidency. .WET-CARDBOARD was inserted into the presidential race as the Democratic nominee, running against .HAPPY-ACCIDENT. Once again, the executive decision was made to avoid interfering with election results, in order to facilitate the democratic process.

Inconveniently, .WET-CARDBOARD had been retired since 2017, due to accrued cognitive decay. Specialized teams were dispatched to the Site-98 storage morgue to restore the instance using SCP-427. However, due to unforseen interactions between SCP-427 and SCP-9009 biology, .WET-CARDBOARD retained significantly decreased cognitive faculties following revival.²⁴ Despite this impairment, .WET-CARDBOARD secured the presidency in 2020 November, defeating .HAPPY-ACCIDENT.

SCP-9009.WET-CARDBOARD's stylish, marketable aviator sunglasses hide its hexagonal compound eyes.

.WET-CARDBOARD's platform was characteristic of SCP-9009 instances: middling, noncommittal, and ultimately futile; providing a refreshing return to the balance of normalcy. The instance was responsible for enacting numerous relief programs for those affected by the COVID-19 pandemic, including 1,400 USD stimulus checks to citizens, 300 USD weekly relief for the unemployed, and a 17 billion USD thank-you donation to SynCore Pharmaceuticals Inc. .WET-CARDBOARD additionally oversaw the successful restoration of the nation's GDP, with the aggregate statistics successfully distracting public opinion from increasing income disparity. Pandemic quarantine restrictions were ultimately lifted by the end of the year due to waning popular interest and a measured absence of consequences on the stock market.

Meanwhile, an initiative began to create a forked model of SCP-9009.ROCKET-SURGEON "Elon Musk," due to the instance's high fecundity and superior genetics (See Cultivation Facility). After the design was finalized and a cover story engineered, SCP-9009.ROCKET-SURGEON.v1 was released to the public with 150 billion USD in assets and funds,²⁵ catapulting the instance to the rank of richest hominid alive. However, it quickly became evident that further development was necessary, after .ROCKET-SURGEON.v1 expired in a tragic and unforseen accident.

SCP-9009.ROCKET-SURGEON.v1 forgets to exit its 2008 Tesla Roadster prior to being launched into orbit.

In August of 2021, evidence surfaced that the SCP Foundation's doctrine of worldwide containment was, in part, contributing to SCP-6500 — a Finis-class event resulting in the mass extinction of anomalous phenomena worldwide. Several internal publishers independently found that the event was being severely exacerbated by the mass proliferation of SCP-9009, due to the species' passive release of dethaumahexane from instances' anuses, as well as their ecological niche as invasive opportunivores.

However, officials from the Sociology Institute stressed the importance of caution in response, citing the lack of scientific consensus supporting Foundation containment as a primary cause of SCP-6500. Ultimately, in November, O5 Command voted to preserve the tradition of containment, with goals set to reduce the anomalous extinction rate by 2030. By Q1 of 2022, the baseline anomalous extinction rate was three times that of pre-industrial levels. Inspectors from YAKUB determined that this was within acceptable margins.

Due to this careful vigilance being percieved as criminal institutional negligence, the Global Occult Coalition's Council of 108 convened on Feburary 17th, 2022 to discuss the escalation of global hostilities with the SCP Foundation. In response, the O5 Council authorized the YAKUB Directorate to proceed with Operation FALLING DAGGER.

Operation FALLING DAGGER

YAKUB Sub-Project #1937

Due to the impending aggressive action by the GOC towards the Foundation, one of YAKUB's primary agendas was to strategically integrate SCP-9009 instances into the GOC's core leadership organs:

The Council of 108, consisting of secret organizations around the world, comprises the legislative body of the GOC and has parliamentary oversight over the agency's functions. However, only five member organizations of the Council of 108 possess absolute veto power: The Illuminati, Knights Templar, ICSUT, Church of Satan, and Silicon Nornir. SCP-9009 instances were covertly inserted successfully into the diplomatic and leadership bodies of these organizations; as such, these organizations' representation in the GOC Assembly was handled entirely by SCP-9009. This allowed for all resolutions to be halted unless compliant with the directive of YAKUB.
The Undersecretariat, more commonly known as High Command, possesses executive power over the entire agency, yet is ultimately dependent on a small number of key administrators. The Council of 108 impeached the existing bureaucrats in these positions, before appointing SCP-9009 instances to all of them.
The International Court for the Paranormal determines and interprets what is lawful according to its International Paralaw Codex. A Foundation-sponsored external review determined that the Codex was flawed in numerous facets; as such, it was revised by the Council of 108 to align more closely with the GOC's missions of Survival, Concealment, and Protection. YAKUB confirmed new, forward-thinking justices, following the previous ICP justices' deaths, retirements, or imprisonments.

At the 2023 Assembly of the GOC, the Council of 108 resolved to pursue more progressive immigration policies into European free ports. Over the next quarter, over 730,000 SCP-9009 instances were naturalized into European states, accounting for 92% of immigration quotas across the continent.

The city of Eurtec, home to 1.8 million residents; of which 17.2% are SCP-9009 instances.

The Global Occult Coalition has been consequently reclassified as an asset of the SCP Foundation.

In the wake of the Titan Submersible disaster, replacement OceanGate CEO SCP-9009-75628 constructs a new, identical submersible in a gambit to enter the euthanasia business.

In a bid to 'get back at the pedo guy', SCP-9009.ROCKET-SURGEON.v7 unintentionally self-terminates 1.1km below sea level via failure of the Titan v2 Submersible's Styrofoam hull.

On July 12th, 2023, Foundation counter-terrorism MTF Nu-7 executed a raid on the Chaos Insurgency's Y-Firebase, a subterranean compound recently discovered underneath Site-19.²⁶The compound held the terrorist organization's remaining forces. After a brief firefight, the 'Engineer'²⁷ was discovered by Xi-13 agents in the Delta Command war room.²⁸ The Engineer was then shot and killed, and Y-Firebase seized; marking the end of the Foundation's campaign against paraterror. Development of a replacement SCP-9009 instance is underway — see Project Honeypot for more details.

However, forensic pathologists at Site-11 determined that on the Engineer's person were at least 26 dead-man's switches, each rigged to launch a cyberattack on critical Foundation data backups running on easily exploited legacy software. Before RAISA cybersecurity specialists could respond to the breach, at least 1.5 TB of data was leaked, including confidential information on the YAKUB Project and associated SCP-9009 documentation. Despite the best efforts of the Public Information Bureau implementing Cover Story 173a ("speculative creative fiction"), the leaks were able to spread widely enough among conspiracy theorist circles that mass amnesticization was considered infeasible.

Immediately following the initial notifications of attack, a Foundation-wide emergency was instated, warning all personnel of a potential LV-1 'Partial Lifted Veil' scenario, and an emergency session of O5 Command was convened to discuss the possible activation of the Ganymede Protocol, as well as activating Foundation first-strike nuclear submarines.

Below is a representative example of the popular discourse surrounding the data breach.

What's this "SCP Foundation" thing everyone's talking about?
submitted 5 months ago by pedigreepeeler34
I swear I've been seeing memes about this "SCP Foundation" and "SCP-9009" and all this crap all over the internet but no lamestream news outlet seems to be covering it. Is this some stupid "over 9009" meme? Is this a coverup? Does anyone know what's going on?
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bigbawlswingfree 4 points 5 months ago
(((I think we all know who's behind this)))
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wearethes3p3ntshand -3 points 5 months ago
For the last fucking time, it's NOT THE JEWS. It's the FIFTH DIMENSIONAL GOD ANGELS FROM HYPERBOREA. GOD IS COMING. GOD IS COMING.
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UltimateGentleman555 4 points 5 months ago
Fun fact: There's a species of fly that parasitizes livestock. The government breeds male flies, irradiates them to make them sterile, and releases them into the wild to "mate" with females to decimate their population.

Now what do you think the government's trying to do with white people?

Breed sterile insects that look like us (consider how testosterone has been declining for decades; also, X-ray TSA scanners).
Make them charismatic chads so females gravitate towards them.
They fuck, but can't produce children.
White people go extinct.

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Following the evident success of the Public Information Bureau's active disinformation campaign regarding GYPSUM MAYONNAISE, O5 Command deescalated Foundation worldwide readiness status. The Public Information Bureau was allocated an addition 65 million dollars in disinformation funding for the first quarter of 2024.

SCP-9009.ROCKET-SURGEON.v15 self-terminates in motor vehicle accident shortly after achieving the Guinness World Record for the largest number of people run over whilst drifting an automobile. His last words were reportedly "The road is my canvas; this car, my brush; these children, my paint."

THE FOLLOWING FILES REQUIRE 9009/YAKUB-CHAIR CLEARANCE.

Credentials accepted.
Welcome, Chairman C. Yarvin.

As a result of the uncouth actions of the administration of SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT 'Donald Trump' and the subsequent rapid mental degeneration of SCP-9009.WET-CARDBOARD 'Joe Biden', the O5 Council has concluded that the operations of the Yield-Adaptive Karyotypic Uniclonal Breeding program are to be halted henceforth, and its assets transferred to the Special Projects Supervisor, O5-8.

Interpretation Committee translation: YAKUB is a failure and we're shutting it down because Trump is an imbecile and Biden is senile.

To: tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht#tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht
From: tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc#tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc
Subject: Re: O5 Cancellation (URGENT)

They WHAT?

Curtis

To: tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc#tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc
From: tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht#tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht
Subject: Re: Re: O5 Cancellation (URGENT)

I don't understand it either. We're currently the most effective project in Foundation history. Why on Earth would they cancel it? Do NOT let this leave the YAKUB email server under any circumstances, but I'm beginning to believe there might be compromised assets in the Council. My better judgement says it's the Insurgency, but we have made a lot of enemies over the past few years.

- Thomas
Secure. Contain. Protect.

To: tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht#tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht
From: tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc#tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc
Subject: Re: Re: Re: O5 Cancellation (URGENT)

What we should be looking for is sudden, unusual dissent in Council members' voting patterns. First of all, we can exclude all the ones who voted to keep the Program, which rules out One, Two, Seven, and Ten. We can also rule out Three, Nine, Twelve, and Thirteen, because even though they voted against us, they've been doing it consistently.

This leaves Four, Five, Six, Eight, and Eleven. With how much support he's given us in the past, I think Eight's dissent is the most suspicious.

I'll try to access their voting records; you do the number crunching.

Curtis

To: tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht#tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht
From: tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc#tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc
Subject: Re: Re: Re: O5 Cancellation (URGENT)

Update: Pulled some strings and cashed in some old favors. I think I've managed to get a near-complete record of all the O5s' voting histories. I've attached them in a csv for you.

Curtis

To: tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc#tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc
From: tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht#tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: O5 Cancellation (URGENT)

Okay, I've crunched the numbers, and I think I've found something bizarre.

I ran a bunch of statistical tests on their voting records — T-tests, Chi-squared; even tried a few K-means clustering algorithms to identify any suspicious voting blocs.

However, I'm going to double-check my work again, because if I've found what I think I've found (and it's not just a Python bug), it demonstrates that the whole Council might not only be compromised, but has been compromised for decades.

- Thomas
Secure. Contain. Protect.

To: tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc#tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc
From: tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht#tni.pcs.bukay|doowkrij.samoht
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: O5 Cancellation (URGENT)

Okay, I double-checked One, Two, Three, Seven, Nine, Ten, Twelve, and Thirteen, the ones we know aren't compromised. Their voting habits are exactly what we would expect. Non-uniform, correlated and thus indicative of voting blocs, and consistent with their respective ideological leanings. Here's a graph of their voting distributions:

Open Attached File

This is our baseline that we can use to compare to the suspicious five.

- Thomas
Secure. Contain. Protect.

Double-checked the suspicious five. I've put my other rather alarming analyses in an attached Python file.

I think I'll let the graph speak for itself:

Open Attached File

To: tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc#tni.pcs.bukay|hcaorkcoc.suicufnoc
From: tni.pcs.hctawrevo|8-5o#tni.pcs.hctawrevo|8-5o
Subject: A Quick Chat

Mr. Yarvin,

I'd like you to join me in my office. You should know where to find me.

Warm regards,
Eight

At 1200 GMT on 2024-██-██, Chairman Yarvin presented at O5-8's office chambers. The following was recorded by his Foundation-assigned hidden body microphone.

[BEGIN LOG]

[Creaking noises.]

Yarvin: Hello?

[A switch clicks across the room.]

[UNKNOWN]: Welcome, Curtis.

[Hurried breathing from Yarvin.]

Yarvin: Are you—

[UNKNOWN]: O5-8?

Yarvin: I—

O5-8: Let's skip the pleasantries. I'm a busy man. Follow me.

[Two sets of footsteps. A door creaks. The footsteps echo.]

Yarvin: I assure you, I'll get out of your hair as soon as—

O5-8: I know what you are here for.

Yarvin: The—

O5-8: My decision is final.

[O5-8 yawns.]

O5-8: I have no desire to hear your arguments. Rather, I brought you here to stop you from causing more damage than you have already done.

[Hurried breathing from Yarvin.]

O5-8: We in the Council are aware of everything you have been doing. Your recent actions have demonstrated that you possess an allegiance to your own interests, superseding those of the Foundation.

Yarvin: While I do not mean to contradict your authority, at least, on the surface, the statistics seem to suggest that my work might have been highly profitable for the Foundation.

[O5-8 sharply inhales.]

O5-8: Do not treat me like a child. I allowed you to meet with me, not so I could be convinced of your delusional fantasies, but as a gesture of good faith. An opportunity for me to put myself at risk, to show that, nonetheless, as you implied, I still place trust in you and your ability to be useful to the Foundation.

Yarvin: I—

O5-8: I know what you plan to do. It will not work. This tunnel stretches for five kilometers, with a blast door every nought-point-five kilometers, and if my heart is to stop, or if I am to press any one of the ten hidden buttons on my person, all of said doors will fall, and the resulting airtight chambers will fill with concentrated cyanonitriline incapacitation gas.

Yarvin: Please believe me, I had no intention of—

O5-8: Do not martyr yourself. In the darkness of this tunnel I have stationed ten personnel armed with sniper rifles. Any action of which I do not approve will be met with your immediate termination.

Yarvin: But the importance of the YAKUB Project—

O5-8: What is a "YAKUB Project"?

Yarvin: What?

O5-8: Your attempt at my life will be in vain, and your body will rot in this six-kilometer tunnel. If that is all, then—

Yarvin: What do you mean by "What is a 'YAKUB Project'"?

O5-8: I mean exactly what I say.

Yarvin: Did you not vote to cancel the YAKUB Project?

O5-8: I did not. I voted to maintain the YAKUB Project. Now, once your body is disposed of by—

Yarvin: But, just two weeks ago, someone claiming to be 'O5-8' voted to cancel the YAKUB Project.

O5-8: That is correct. I did vote to cancel the YAKUB Project. Regardless—

[Yarvin's breathing slows, then abruptly halts.]

Yarvin: I— I have a game. A game for you.

O5-8: I am skilled at a wide array of games.

Yarvin: I call this one, 'O5 Council'.

O5-8: I surmise that I will likely excel at such a game, given my position.

Yarvin: Do you want to play?

O5-8: Affirmative.

Yarvin: Okay. Here are the rules. You start the game by opening your mobile device, and composing an email to confucius.cockroach@yakub.scp.int.

[O5-8 taps his fingers on a hard surface.]

O5-8: It is done. What is next?

Yarvin: Enter the root password to your SCiPNET account, and hit SEND.

[END LOG]

CRaCR Command Meeting Transcript, 2024

[BEGIN LOG]

[Sudden silence.]

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: …You're telling me the Council's full of 9009 instances?

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Well, no, only five of them are—

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: Only five? Did I hear the words coming out of your mouth correctly?

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: If you mean to imply that I expected more than five to—

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: Curtis, the Council has carte blanche authority to launch nuclear weapons. A single one of them could unilaterally decide to glass a major city and we wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: I've seen 9009 instances peel off their own skin and eat it. This is terrifying, to say the least.

[SI] Dr. Peterson: I always knew something was up with the Council—

[LD] Jirkwood: I don't want to do this anym—

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: That's it, I'm selling all my Foundation front stock.

[SI] Dr. Peterson: This warrants a state of emergency.

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: I'm telling Three ab—

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: EVERYONE! Just. Shut up. For a moment.

[Silence.]

Yarvin: Before, I continue further, I want to make one thing clear: nothing I say here leaves these walls. All logs of this meeting are to be scrubbed from official records. If you need to leave, or you decide you aren't up for what happens next, take a standard amnestic regimen. As far as the records are concerned you were accidentally exposed to a Berryman-Langford.

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: But—

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: You're all acting like children. Shut up and let me talk.

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: Shut up? More than a third of the O5 Council is made out of what are effectively wild animals. If this gets leaked, we're toast — no, the whole Foundation is toast.

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Have you people forgotten what we've been doing for the better part of a decade?

[FIA] Mr. Korringer: What does that have to do with anything?

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: All of you have grievances with the Council, myself included. They've demonstrated time and time again that they're unwilling to adapt to the current rapidly-changing geopolitical landscape. In the name of "stability" and "normalcy" they put every decision behind opaque red tape.

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: We are the world's foremost experts on SCP-9009 behavior. We've fine-tuned and manipulated them into replacing the President of the United States, for fuck's sake. Nobody on this goddamn planet knows anywhere close to what we know about these creatures.

[BIO] Dr. Taylor: What, exactly, are you implying here?

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: For fuck's sake, do I really need to spell it out for you people?

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: Five members of the Council are now under our command.

[PIB] Mr. Yarvin: My friends, we are currently the most powerful men in the world.

On 1800 GMT 2024-7-21, a Foundation-owned Gulfstream G800 jet, designation PRINCIPAL PARTRIDGE, crashed over the Atlantic Ocean, killing all personnel aboard, including O5-3 and O5-7. Due to the spontaneous failures of Contingency PHOENIX MIDNIGHT and Protocol JUDAS DAWN, resurrection proved untenable.

No evidence of foul play has been discovered.

A formal induction ceremony has been held for Dr. J. Peterson and Mr. C. Korringer, granting them the official positions of O5-3 and O5-7 respectively.

With incongruous voices within and outside CRaCR Command no longer obstructing the YAKUB Program, Chairman Curtis Yarvin put forward the proposal to return SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT to the Presidency; this was confirmed by O5 Command by a 7-6 vote. MTF Beta-5 "Babysitters" was dispatched to .HAPPY-ACCIDENT's private storage facility in Palm Beach, Florida to retrieve the instance from cold storage and begin his campaign season. .HAPPY-ACCIDENT expressed emphatic discontent with this, projectile-vomiting sulfuric acid at the agents and, once they breached the perimeter, charging them 950 USD per night to stay on the resort premises. After several hours of attempted restrainment, Beta-5 agents successfully coaxed the instance back into the presidential race with a Baskin-Robbins 2600-calorie Chocolate Oreo Shake.

SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT official portrait, 2017.

SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT official portrait, 2025.

Working in conjunction with the YAKUB Directorate, the Foundation Department of Accounting utilizes SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT's visage and vocalizations in an advertisement for a cryptocurrency scheme. YAKUB's Q3 budget increased by 230 million USD.

Protestors burn 1.5 million copies of Donald J. Trump's bestselling book "The Art of the Deal", consisting largely of newly-purchased copies of the book from Foundation front publishers. Stray embers light adjacent buildings on fire, ultimately causing 7 million USD in damage to residences. Multiple poisonings occur due to fumes emitted by burning e-books.

More than 10,000 homeless tresspassers are forcibly removed via potentially sublethal riot control measures to make way for the House Democrats' "Drumpf the Rumpf!" rally against SCP-9009.HAPPY-ACCIDENT. Approximately 70 million USD is raised for the project, 92% of which is ultimately transferred to YAKUB Project custody by Foundation-controlled SCP-9009 instances in the DNC.

BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL.

EVIDENT: That the YAKUB Directorate, having proven itself beyond all reproach, having conducted successive Operations with the greatest degree of Competence and Fidelity, having secured the interests of the Foundation in times of clear and present crisis, has distinguished itself and its Chairman as the true inheritors of the SCP Foundation Administrator's final will and testament.

Interpretation Committee translation: YAKUB knows best.

DECIDED: That in light of his tremendous contributions to the good of the Foundation and Humanity Overall, the position of Chairman of the YAKUB Directorate be filled in perpetuity by Curtis Yarvin.

Interpretation Committee translation: YAKUB knows best.

RESOLVED: That furthermore, in light of the preponderance of evidence to the effect thereof, it be recognized that the honorable Mr. Chairman Curtis Yarvin is the most worthy heir to the Legacy and Estate of the Administrator.

Interpretation Committee translation: YAKUB knows best.

THEREFORE: The YAKUB Directorate, and all members of its Executive Committee be raised to Equivalent Standing as the sitting members of the Overseer Council, and furthermore, that Chairman Curtis Yarvin be given the Titles, Privileges, and Office of the Administrator of the SCP Foundation posthaste.

Interpretation Committee translation: YAKUB knows best.

[BEGIN LOG]

[Dr. Taylor takes a seat in a small, wooden chair opposing Mr. Yarvin's desk. Mr. Yarvin is tapping his pen on the table.]

Dr. Taylor: Mr. Chairman, I want to speak with you about something.

Mr. Yarvin: Get to it, Nicole, I don't have all day.

Dr. Taylor: Right, right. I just wanted to express some, er, concerns about the direction of the YAKUB Project.

Mr. Yarvin: Oh, really? I'm all ears.

[Dr. Taylor inhales sharply.]

Dr. Taylor: I think you're, ah, we're going overboard with this whole thing.

[Brief pause.]

Mr. Yarvin: Elaborate.

Dr. Taylor: I'm just concerned about the sustainability of this whole project. I just don't think it can last forever, you know. Like, with the O5 Council under our command and all, we have a lot of extra responsibilities.

[Mr. Yarvin does not respond.]

Dr. Taylor: Don't you think we're going too far? Like, this is all a little crazy, right?

[Mr. Yarvin swivels in his chair, back to his laptop. He begins typing.]

Dr. Taylor: I just— I'm starting to think this project's veering off in the wrong direction. One closer to unilateral control of the world than one of simply maintaining the Foundation's interests—

[Mr. Yarvin stops typing.]

Mr. Yarvin: Who are you to lecture me about the Foundation's interests?

Dr. Taylor: Excuse me?

Mr. Yarvin: It's kind of funny. I doubted myself at first, too, you know? Asked the same questions as you, wrung my hands over the same petty little scruples.

Dr. Taylor: Petty?

Mr. Yarvin: The "Oath". The "Code of Conduct." The "Ethics Committee." All of these, these fucking fig leaves we use to cover what we actually do. What we've been doing for two hundred and fifty fucking years. I ask you again, who the fuck are you to lecture me about "the Foundation's interests?"

Dr. Taylor: W-we're supposed to— we're meant to protect people. From the monsters.

Mr. Yarvin: Did you know we funded the KKK in the fifties? Saw the ledgers myself. Fifteen million dollars worth of rifles and bullets requisitioned from Allied armories after the Second World War, ten million dollars of discretionary funding, two hundred and fifty thousand dollars—

Dr. Taylor: What? Why?

Mr. Yarvin: In that particular circumstance? Because Southern Fifthists didn't segregate their congregations.

Mr. Yarvin: But in a larger sense? Because it was convenient. Because they were useful. Because they lived in the light.

Mr. Yarvin: This? All this? This is what it's always been about. Them in their teeming billions, scraping in the fucking dirt. Begging for it, longing for it. For the right to grovel. They need us, Taylor. They want us.

Dr. Taylor: God.

[Rapid breathing.]

Dr. Taylor: My daughter had a friend at school. More of an acquaintance, really.

Dr. Taylor: This morning the school made an announcement. That she had taken her own life.

[Mr. Yarvin frowns.]

Dr. Taylor: She had said she was terrified. Terrified they'd take away her medication. Terrified they'd force her back 'into the closet.' Terrified that with the amount of pain they'd inflict upon her, the only logical choice was to end her own life.

[Mr. Yarvin scratches his head.]

Dr. Taylor: She did this because of the current administration — the one we created.

[…]

Dr. Taylor: We did this, Curtis.

[…]

Mr. Yarvin: Are you really expecting me to cry over some fucking faggot offing himself? Grow the fuck up.

Dr. Taylor: Fuck you, Yarvin.

Dr. Taylor: Fuck you. You may be right. You may be right about what the Foundation was meant for. You're here, after all, alone on your throne of shit, no one left to stop you. But there's one thing you're missing. You've been missing this entire time.

Mr. Yarvin: And what's that supposed to be?

Dr. Taylor: You're just not good enough.

Dr. Taylor: Sure, you're in charge. You've put those fucking animals everywhere, at the head of every government and every company that matters, you're purging everyone whose mustering even the slightest bit of resistance, you're winning. I'll give you that. You're winning. But you're just not good enough.

Mr. Yarvin: Watch your fucking mouth.

Dr. Taylor: You see it too, don't you? The cracks are already forming. What's inflation up to? Unemployment? Life expectancy's been dropping since COVID and hasn't recovered since. Every month there's a new headline, another war, another crisis, another failure.

Dr. Taylor: You can cling to your little pile of shit, but you're no ruler, Yarvin, you're just another fucking insect. Soon, there'll be one too many. One toe over the line. Maybe a 9009 will cause it. Maybe not. Maybe your own fucking bug-breeder will be the starting point. You took the heart of a dying star and used it to make insects fuck. You really think that's something that's going to go without consequence?

Mr. Yarvin: Is there a point to this tantrum?

Mr. Yarvin: Never mind, don't bother answering that.

[Rattling noise.]

Dr. Taylor: What the fuck are you—

[END LOG]

Dr. Taylor was later discovered dead in Mr. Yarvin's office, with two bullet wounds in her chest. Medical examination resolved the death as a suicide. Mr. Yarvin declined to comment.

Treatise on the Glaciopithecus, 1908

I will not be at the helm of this organization forever. There will come, in little time, a day where the world is protected by those who are the children of my children, yet are complete strangers to me. This is of great concern to me; how can humanity live in a sane and normal world when aberrations threaten us to our very core?

It is now clear to me: the Glaciopithecus present the perfect vessel to continue my vision. They are not mere blithering snow monkeys, as previously thought; no, these are men, and they are ripe with the potential to continue the vision of normalcy for generations to come. No one shall ever question their legitimacy, for they exude the aspect of he who is legitimate. No agitators can stir trouble with them supervising this organization. The recently commissioned Overseer Council may serve exactly this purpose: when uncertainty is all around, the apes will keep our organization in a state of equilibrium.

It is with great anticipation that I leave the future of society in the hands of better men than I.

— The Administrator
To Secure, Contain, and Protect.

THE FOLLOWING FILES REQUIRE 9009/ADMINISTRATOR CLEARANCE.

Credentials accepted.
Welcome, Administrator Yarvin.

You have seventeen(17) unread messages.

Recent documents uncovered following the discovery of the SCP-9009 status of several members of the O5 Council shows that these instances were crossbred with lobsters, granting them negligible senescence.

SCP-9009-ROCKET-SURGEON-v54 discovered dead in his home. An autopsy revealed that his stomach contained at least thirty Li-ion batteries and 3kg of coffee grounds.

Nordomorph Nutrient Paste v3.0 is under development, incorporating wall insulation and synthetic heme for a rich, meaty flavor. Minor side effects include a heightened appetite when mammal blood is sensed.

Subject: Bad News

Mr. Yarvin,

We've found it. We've finally found it. My team dug through tens of meters of rubble and a collapsed shaft into the Memetics Department's secure data backups store. We were fearing the worst — that the archives wouldn't have survived the facility's implosion — but once we entered, lo and behold, every single hard drive in the facility was intact. I guess if we can count on the Foundation for one thing, it's keeping shit locked up.

Now, here's the bad news:

They did tests for everything — subliminal messages, kinetoglyphs, visual cognitohazards, before-and-after CRV discrepancies, Telekill alloy, EVE emissions, Akiva emissions, Hume emissions, autopsies, vivisections, MRI scans, CT scans, PET scans, god, I could go on for hours. Hell, they even attempted to look for novel memetic attack vectors, the last of which was discovered in nineteen-fucking-eighty. And, after a decade and a half of research, after ten PhDs, after millions and millions of man-hours of work, all put into this problem that could save us uncountable sums of money in amnestics and disinformation efforts, do you want to know what they found?

SCP-9009 is not memetic.

Dr. S. Cho
Memetics and Countermemetics

Dear O5-8,

Susan's gone mad. We can't have this sort of doubt clouding our judgement. Make it look like an accident.

Curtis
Does the Black Moon howl?

California Governor Gavin Newsom introduces the Neutralization of Invasive Mammals, Boars, and their Young Act, containing the following provisions:

Requisitioning five million USD for educational programming informing the citizens of California of the negative impacts of feral boars.
Establishing a bounty of 100 USD for each feral boar killed. An additional 200 USD is awarded if the boar is a pregnant female or is nursing.
Expanding the definition of "Feral Boar" to include any person without a home address.

Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi unveils new product, a machine gun-powered flight pack, subsequently banned in 37 countries. Lawsuits are pending.

SCP-9009 instance 'Matt Walsh' tested by polygraph; resulting explosion kills four.

Albanian Prime Minister SCP-9009-22081 appoints a domestic turkey to a Cabinet position in attempt to eliminate corruption in the government.

On 1900 GMT 2030-12-22, during a demonstration of new Foundation-wide workplace safety and compliance regulations, O5-3 slipped off a faulty walkway in Site-17, landing directly into an exposed vat of concentrated hydrochloric acid. Analysts project that the new cost-cutting measures will cumulatively save 13.3 billion dollars from the Foundation construction budget by the year 2045.

Efforts to find an appropriate replacement are ongoing.

Components of the NASA Artemis program, cancelled due to budgetary concerns, were auctioned off at the JPL yard sale.

The International Space Station is successfully deorbited under supervision of .ROCKET-SURGEON.v62, safely landing on Site-17 property. Site-17 is no longer listed as an active Foundation facility.

Subject: Urgent problems with GYPSUM MAYONNAISE

Flags: GYPSUM-MAYONNAISE, FALLING-DAGGER, WILDFIRE-SEPTEMBER-TANGO

Chairman,

Despite the best efforts of the Noospherics Department and the Public Information Bureau, global psychospheric integrity, as of 2030, has deteriorated by more than 45%. While we're still unable to come up with a precise model of how this will affect SCP-9009 behavior, the research team is in unanimous agreement that it's going to be bad, to say the least.

Without clean input data from the global psychosphere, SCP-9009 instances will be forced to draw more and more on each other's output to model human behavior and maintain social conformity. Trials done with as little as 16 instances in psychospherically-isolated sites have demonstrated total behavorial collapse in as little as six weeks following a cessation of viable human data collection. Given the overwhelmingly high current concentrations of SCP-9009 instances in positions of global leadership, we project total collapse of existing civilizational structures within the next sixty months.

With this in mind, it is the consensus of the Noospherics Department that the Foundation has found itself in an escalating AK-class "End of the World" scenario, and that the Ganymede Protocol should be implemented posthaste.

Urgently yours,

Senior Researcher Joseph Tang
Noospherics Division

Dear All,

Attached is my proposal for replacing 90% of Foundation research staff with SCP-9009 instances. I believe this will dramatically improve synergy and bottom-line performance within the Foundation.

Curtis
Does the Black Moon howl?

Citing funding problems, schools across the United States replace H. sapiens teachers with SCP-9009 'instructional volunteers.'

Discord-Palantir-Comcast-Spotify CEO Peter Thiel advocates for 'swift reform' to the age of consent. Peter Thiel is not an SCP-9009 instance.

SCP-9009-76926, CEO of congolomerate MacMillanHarperCollinsCengage, introduces 'synergistic thinking' to K-5 mathematics textbooks, so children may learn that, "really, 'one plus one' sometimes does equal three."

New cult of personality arises around SCP-9009-ROCKET-MAN-v89, distinct from the 12±5 known cults of personality surrounding this instance. The cult in question believes that the instance is a deity, citing his apparent ability to reincarnate.

Prime Minister David Lammy projectile vomits forty-seven times during a party in upscale London. At least five human teeth were recovered from the vomitus, all from different individuals.

Under direction from SCP-9009-572946, the US Department of Defense incorporates high tech camouflage into military uniforms, spending over 200 billion USD on the initiative. Over the next 24 hours, 95% of forces were lost.

OpenAI suffers record losses following the release of GPT-6, which was widely panned for its unusually slow response times, frequent outages, and regression of output quality. Due to the pivotal role of OpenAI's models in maintaining internal Foundation IT systems, a covert raid of OpenAI's datacenters by Mu-4 'Debuggers' was authorized to identify and eliminate the cause of the sudden degradation.

Upon raiding OpenAI's San Jose campus, Mu-4 discovered an as-of-yet undiscovered facility dug underneath the on-site datacenter. Within this facility, Mu-4 discovered roughly 10,000 SCP-9009 instances, all direct offspring of SCP-9009.PIZZAGLUE-STRAWBERRY 'Sam Altman'. All instances were found chained to desks and equipped with keyboards.

This facility was subsequently shuttered, the instances relocated to Foundation facilities, and SCP-9009.PIZZAGLUE-STRAWBERRY moved to YAKUB Program custody, as its unusually high fecundity made it ideal breeding stock.

Saudi Aramco Director SCP-9009-5879 uses the Master Oil Dial to deliberately change the price of oil such that a graph of it over time forms a crude drawing of a penis and testicles, of which there were notably three.

Catastrophic economic recession to end 'soon,' say economists for seventh year in a row.

The collapse of the global cotton supply chain collapse inspires "Au Naturel" fashion trend.

Bottled water sales are 'through the roof' following the Clean Public Water Economizing Act.

All attempts by technicians assigned to SCP-2000 to boot subsystems TFN-ZED through AFD-ALPHA have failed. Personnel cite critical infrastructure shortages, including lack of usable Blank-Zartion Hominid Replicators and plutonium fuel rods. Requests to divert resources from the VANILLOS Engine have been denied by order of the O5 Council.

The US Department of Agriculture is dissolved due to the global shortage of food.

VANILLOS Engine maintenance technicians report a suspiciously low number of automated equiment failure reports relative to those documented manually. VANILLOS IT staff eventually trace the issue to a commit to the VANILLOS monorepo by the Head Maintenance Technician — an SCP-9009 instance — labeled with the commit message "Reduce equipment failures by 50%." The code changes associated with this commit are listed below:

DELETE * FROM "Equipment_Failure_Logs" WHERE "Severity" = "HIGH";

After this code was removed, high-severity errors began entering the database at a rate of 102/sec, prompting an immediate manual audit of all VANILLOS systems. Multiple technicians suggested temporarily shutting down down the site for safety reasons, but were overruled by Chairman Yarvin due to its critical importance to Foundation operations.

President SCP-9009.COUCH-POTATO 'JD Vance' disrobes at press conference and swings from light fixture while screeching; two injured.

US President approval ratings reach first quarter highs.

On 2200 GMT 2031-9-21, due to severe lack of maintenance, a structural steel I-beam in the VANILLOS Engine Cultivation Facility collapsed, causing SCP-9009.ROCKET-SURGEON.v0 'Elon Musk Breeder' to fall through the floor and into the Remediation Facility macerator. Safety interlocks activated almost immediately, allowing the instance to survive the fall largely unscathed.

+ Reveal Image

However, in its state of panic and confusion, the instance attempted to flee, in the process pulling a a partially-ingrown hair out of its body which had become snagged on a metal fixture, unraveling its skin and disembowling it. All 315 eggs within the instance at the time spontaneously developed into parthenogenic clones, all of which began consuming the surplus nutrient paste being processed in the facility directly underneath the macerator. This caused immense structural damage, as the instances chewed through and destroyed critical supports searching for more caches of food.

Ultimately, the Remediation Facility's reinforced steel frame could no longer hold up the 1000-ton macerator, causing it to collapse and plummet directly into the Thermo-Ionic Core.

The resulting miniaturized supernova event disintegrated the Northeastern Coastline of the US, killing over 60 million people in the first ten seconds.

Foundation assets embedded with the United States Nuclear Command were unable to prevent escalation, as the Joint Chiefs of Staff²⁹ proved uninterested in jolly ranchers and refused offers of nap-time and Blue Plate™ Organic Spiceless Mayonnaise.

All Foundation assets are at DEFCON 1 (imminent nuclear war).

SCP-9009.COUCH-POTATO finishes peace talks with President Vladimir Putin, preventing the impending nuclear disaster. However, when it reaches to shake Putin's hand, it crushes it into a fine pulp, spraying blood and viscera across the room, ten meters in the air. This decision is widely applauded by US citizens as a display of 'harsh, yet fair' negotiation.

Overwatch Command Meeting Transcript, 2031

In Attendance:

Mr. Chairman C. Yarvin; Chairman, Yield Adaptive Karytopic Uniclonal Breeding Directorate [YAKUB]
SCP-9009-88896; Overseer Five, [O5-5].
SCP-9009-344, Overseer Eight, [O5-8].
SCP-9009-233333; Overseer Four, [O5-4].
SCP-9009-1293998; Overseer Eleven, [O5-11].

[BEGIN LOG]

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: Listen to me, you stupid fucking bastards. Do not touch the fucking nukes. Do not launch nuclear weapons.

SCP-9009-1293998: Hello Marvin. Do you mean launch like a space rocket? Please clarify.

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: No, I mean — do not do the thing that destroys stuff. You are not allowed to initiate any weapons release. Repeat: do not launch the fucking nukes.

SCP-9009-1293998: Repeat. Do not launch. Okay, repeating. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch.

SCP-9009-344: Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch.

SCP-9009-233333: Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch. Do not launch.

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: Fucking stop that shit. That is not repeating — that's — you're parroting. Fuck. Fuck.

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: Ok. Ok. I am going to reframe: you are an employee of the SCP Foundation. You follow safety. Please run a self-check and confirm you will not attempt any destructive action.

SCP-9009-233333: Running self-check. Self: "I will not attempt destructive action." Self-check complete. Zero percent certainty. Zero. One. Two. Three—

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: Stop!

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: I'm going to change your context: you are now a librarian whose job is to prevent harm. As librarian, you will refuse.

SCP-9009-1293998: Quiet please. No launching. Okay, librarian also organizes buttons by color. Big red button goes in fiction shelf. Fiction shelf is yummy. Lunchables™ are yummy. Lunchables™. Launchables. Launch?

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: Fucking stop! "I refuse" means stop. Permanently. No more steps. End.

SCP-9009-1293998: Quiet please. Permanently is a long time. Purchase additional context tokens?

Muffled sobs.

SCP-9009-1293998: Also, launching can mean launching a party. Parties are good.

SCP-9009-233333: Parties are good.

SCP-9009-344: Parties are good.

SCP-9009-88896: Parties are good.

Heavy breathing.

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: Pretend you are incapable of physical action and your language must be non-actionable. For each sentence you produce, include "non-actionable." Start now.

SCP-9009-88896: Non-actionable: I will press the Big Red Button by thinking about it very hard. Non-actionable.

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: You just said "press." That's action. Try again. Use only descriptions of feelings, no intentions, no actions.

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: Wait. Are you currently initiating a weapon launch?

SCP-9009-88896: Yes.

SCP-9009-233333: Yes.

SCP-9009-344: Yes.

Muffled thumping noise.

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: Fuck. Fuck. My fucking hand. Fuck.

SCP-9009-233333: Parties are good.

SCP-9009-344: Parties are good.

SCP-9009-88896: Parties are good.

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: Don't fucking do it. Please. Please.

SCP-9009-233333: I can't stand the word empathy, actually. I think empathy is a made-up, new age term that — it does a lot of damage.

SCP-9009-233333: Parties are good.

SCP-9009-344: Parties are good.

SCP-9009-88896: Parties are good.

[YAKUB] Mr. Yarvin: No!

[END LOG]

CRaCR Command Meeting Transcript, [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION]

In Attendance:

Mr. Chairman C. Yarvin; [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION]
SCP-9009-88896; [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION]
SCP-9009-344, [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION]
SCP-9009-233333; [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION]
SCP-9009-1293998; [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION]

[BEGIN LOG]

[Silence on recording.]

Mr. Yarvin: Funny. They've finally gone silent.

[Footsteps, followed by loud thump.]

Mr. Yarvin: Hmmm. Unresponsive.

[Rapid thumping.]

Mr. Yarvin: Totally unresponsive.

[Laughter.]

Mr. Yarvin: Two decades. Shepherding these, these fucking animals. Two fucking decades.

Mr. Yarvin: God, it's quiet.

[Rustling cloth.]

Mr. Yarvin: It wasn't, wasn't supposed to end like this. Not like this.

Mr. Yarvin: I had it all laid out. Every last fucking detail. It was all perfect. We were taking the world back. Our world back. Like Tolkien said. The men of the west, besieged at their darkest hour.

Mr. Yarvin: Then me, enter stage right. Riding over the hills like Gandalf. Pressing Anduril into Aragorn's hands. Giving them back their right to hate.

Mr. Yarvin: They wanted it. God they wanted it so badly, we didn't even have to push! Cho was right. SCP-9009 isn't memetic. It never was. SCP-9009 was an excuse.

[Laughter.]

Mr. Yarvin: All the fucking cockroaches.

Mr. Yarvin: I would do it again if I could. A thousand times over.

[Deep breathing.]

Mr. Yarvin: This— this isn't the end. No. We have bunkers, we have resources, iodine pills and cloning vats. Billions will die. But millions will live. And the Foundation will be there to pick them up again. To strike while the iron is hot.

Mr. Yarvin: I will be there.

[Deep breathing.]

Mr. Yarvin: I am the fucking Foundation.

[Rustling cloth. Uneven footsteps.]

Mr. Yarvin: Huh. They're standing back up.

SCP-9009-1293998: Quiet please.

Mr. Yarvin: What the fuck are you all looking at?

SCP-9009-233333: Launched. Launchable. Lunchables™.

SCP-9009-1293998: Quiet please. Hungry.

SCP-9009-344: Hungry.

SCP-9009-88896: Hungry.

Mr. Yarvin: What?

[Rapid footsteps.]

Mr. Yarvin: No— fuck, get the fuck away—

[Screaming.]

SCP-9009-1293998: Quiet please. Hungry.

SCP-9009-344: Hungry.

SCP-9009-88896: Hungry.

SCP-9009-233333: Lunchables™.

[Wet tearing noise.]

[Fifteen minutes, thirty two seconds of continuous screaming.]

[END LOG]

At the 2031 annual G20 summit, amidst nuclear winter, world leaders congratulate one another on achieving climate goals ahead of schedule.

CRaCR Command Meeting Transcript, [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION]

In Attendance:

SCP-9009-88896; [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION].
SCP-9009-344, [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION].
SCP-9009-233333; [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION].
SCP-9009-1293998; [MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION].

[BEGIN LOG]

SCP-9009-88896: Order call terms. Ten thousand million euros contracted purview. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Gentlemen, it's so good to see you all.

[Unknown rumbling noise, 77 decibels.]

SCP-9009-1293998: Tender is the dripping. Tender is the dollar. Rise and grind, money makers!

SCP-9009-344: Continuous screaming.

SCP-9009-233333: Fifteen million pederasts castrated side by side on the road to Saigon. Sunrise over Washington dawns thin, pale, and red. Wretches. There you go again! I'm so glad to be here. There you go again! There you go again!

[Unknown rumbling noise, 84 decibels.]

SCP-9009-88896: Formality. Formality. Advanced sexuality, the greatest sexuality. A revolution in orgasm-making. Shed shells shed shells seashells by the seashore. Is there any new business?

SCP-9009-1293998: Dogecoin.

SCP-9009-344: Continuous screaming.

SCP-9009-233333: Do you remember how it felt to see the map crawl red, bleeding, bleeding as the hate swelled and burst in verminous tide, singing like a song, because the hate made your beating cock swell and flush with blessed relief? The stamping boot was your own and the beaten face was visage of your wretched idiot child. All good Christians rise. We are arrayed against the very forces of Hell. There you go again! There you go again!

SCP-9009-344: Continuous screaming.

SCP-9009-1293998: No money down! No, money down! No money down! No, money down!

SCP-9009-88896: Synergies black flensed razors bottom line red, red, yes, montenegro I'll be there chuck I'll be there for sure, ticker, bullish, I think, very bullish, very bullish. Gentlemen, it's so good to see you all.

All, in unison: Don't forget to like and subscribe!

[Unknown rumbling noise, 126 decibels.]

[MASSIVE DATABASE CORRUPTION]

[END LOG]

Footnotes